The Absolutey Awesom Advisor

Issue # 6

Dear Triple A,

What are some of your Do's and Don'ts to chatting up non-humans?

Sincerely,

LS

****

Dear LS,

The biggest Do is:
Whenever Possible, DO research on the species with whom you are going to be interacting. Different Species and different races on individual planets have different cultural taboos and it's hard to keep track of them all.

I find that the best thing to do, especially if you are in Starfleet, is to constantly keep up with your Xenobiology and Xenocultural Studies. I know you graduated already, but learning is a never ending process and studying different cultures and races is…to borrow a word "fascinating" stuff.

Let me give you some examples to show you why it's so important to be Culturally affluent.

Cultures like the native races found on Risa, Tendaria, and Danidria, are very 'touchy feely' and constantly touch those with whom they are conversing. In fact Danidrians consider it an insult if you refrain from touching then during conversation, or shy away from contact.

Vulcans and Betazoids on the other hand, try to avoid direct contact do to their telepathic natures. True Betazoids are not touch telepaths as Vulcans are, but their telepathic abilities are enhanced by the touch of certain receptive or responsive species.

Chlorpanids are a very conservative race. In their culture, touching is something considered a very intimate and private act and is only allowed in the privacy of one's home, and then only with close friends or family members. They do not greet with a hand shake and even avoid brushing up against one another in passing. At formal dinners, their chairs must be place far enough apart that their elbows will never inadvertently rub, they do not engage in activities such team sports or dancing and they consider it a huge insult if you 'forget your manners' and clap them on the shoulder. Trust me – the um.. Captain… got himself into quite a jam and nearly capsized formal negotiations during diplomatic liaison with the Chlorpanid government a while back.

If you can't do your own research for whatever reason, like say, you are in a bar on shore leave, here are some general rules of thumb to consider:

Don't Touch Any Tentacles!! (not even on accident!)
For God's sakes – listen to this one. Tentacles of any kind are VERY sensitive and just by touching one you can be doing anything from declaring war, to making very inappropriate sexual advances.

Do Try to conduct yourself in a Polite and Professional Manner at all times.
(You are a member of Starfleet after all)

Don't - Start any bar fights. (Whether you are chatting up non-humans or not)

Do - Try to find out what their interests are.

Don't - Stare at any strange body parts they might have that you don't, or aren't familiar with.

Do – Smile and be friendly. Unless they seem scared, intimidated or angered by your smile. In some cultures, showing ones teeth is an act of aggression.

Don't - Keep smiling if they have any of the above responses. Move on – find someone else to talk to.

Do – Compliment them.

Don't - Pet them. I don't care how furry they are – or how soft their fur looks – petting – NEVER leads to anything good.

Do – Mention that you serve aboard the Enterprise and that Captain James T. Kirk is the finest Captain in the Fleet. That might get you brownie points. He's pretty awesome.

Don't - Touch antennae. If you have questions – see the bit about tentacles above – same diff.

Do - Turn on the Charm

Don't - Tell someone to relax and call them cupcake if you've already insulted them.

Do – Bat your eyelashes a lot and look up through them – if your chatting up is an attempt to flirt of course.

Don't - do the eyelash thing if you aren't trying to flirt – or things could go wrong fast.

Do - Ask about their homeworld. (Unless they are Vulcan – then Don't)

Don't – Forget to use a condom… you know – if you ARE flirting. (and you're successful)

Sincerely,

AAA

Dear AAA,

In the last couple of months the budget needed for Environmental Services including Laundry Facilities exponentially. We have come 'under fire' from our superiors, including Commander Scott, as he is ultimately in charge of Maintenance, which includes all Environmental Services and the Laundry Facilities department. Needless to say, Commander Scott was very unhappy that our increased spending has resulted in the depletion of over half a year's budget in just two months. However, he was less pleased by my explanation for the increase.

You see the Laundry Facilities department has received an increased amount of laundry as of late, including an unusual amount of bed sheets with, suspicious sticky stains on them, coming from the same two high ranking officer's laundry shuts over and over. This has been happening daily in fact.

Environmental services have had to add extra shifts and cleaning supplies to handle an influx of suspicious stains and spilled fluids throughout the ship as well. These have most commonly occurred in the Science Labs, after hours, the turbolifts, and for some reason the table and floor in the board room.

There have also been similar, 'spills' reported in the Captain's ready room, various supply closets, and for some other odd reason, a couple of Jeffries tubes. The 'spills' are organic material, and considered bio hazards, as they are technically… body fluids. Because of this, the Environmental Services staff has to use Personal Protective Equipment each time they have to clean up one of these spills and treat it as an actual biohazard incident. This is proving to be very costly both in regards to supplies and increased time usage due to the reports that must be written and filed with each incident.

My question is this. Is there any way you could speak to 'The Captain' and see if he would be willing to find a way to increase the Environmental Services and Laundry Facilities budgets, so that we can adequately handle this influx of 'sticky messes'? We would be ever so grateful.

Also, you might mention to him that if Admiral Pike doesn't approve the budget increase, we have checked the video surveillance footage in the aforementioned areas during the times that the spills occurred and are 100% sure how they occurred and who is responsible. We would be more than happy to forward that video footage to Admiral Pike, or anyone else at Starfleet headquarters if it will help get our budget increase approved.

Bottom line – we just don't want Scotty yelling at us anymore.

Can you help us oh great and mighty Triple A?

Sincerely,

The Environmental Services and Laundry Facilities staff.

*****

Dear E.S. and L.F. Staff Members,

Blackmail, no matter how eloquently worded, is unbecoming of a Starfleet Officer, or Officers, as the case may be.

Regardless, your budget increase request has been approved, despite the fact that the proper paperwork was submitted with missing information. However, the Captain appreciates your candor in light of the fact that the paperwork must go through the proper channels.

As for the security footage you most generously offered to send to Starfleet and/or Admiral Pike. I'm afraid it is 'no longer available'. Darn huh? (Yes even the copies you thought you saved to your hard drives….hmmm poof gone… imagine that.)

In regards to the 'biohazard spills', I'm sure that you will see less of those in the future.

You get the budget increase anyway.

Go away.

AAA

Dear Triple A,

My friend has an unusual problem that I've never heard of before and when she came to me with it, well, I'm just at a loss for words and don't have any idea what to tell her. And this is weird for me because trust me – I've been around the block a few times, and I thought I'd heard everything.

You see, she recently started dating again after a somewhat painful breakup. She really likes the guy she is seeing and a few weeks ago they decided to take their relationship to 'the next level' so to speak.

The sex itself was great but there is a huge problem. Her new boyfriend has had some past problems with E.D. which he's been treated for. He no longer has E.D. but his sexual dysfunction problems seem to have gone in the opposite direction, and he has a very difficult time reaching climax.

On one hand, that can be a very enjoyable thing, because he has great longevity, but on the other hand, it eventually gets frustrating for both of them.

The biggest and weirdest, if you ask me, part of the problem is the solution that he was able to come up with. I mean it's just… it's just weird and there's no other word for it.

You see, he found that if he's able to think about a certain person he works with – who he claims he is not in the least attracted to, and also claims he's a little put off by – he can achieve climax. He has to actively fantasize about that other person during sex with my friend. This would be bad enough but, the last few times, when he finally did reach orgasm, he actually shouted the other person's name instead of my friend's name.

You can see how that would be really awkward and embarrassing for both of them right? I mean, I just don't know what to say to her. I find it creepy, but she really really likes this guy and he's a perfect gentleman to her in every other aspect.

I just don't see how she can keep sleeping with a guy who yells "Keenser! Oh my fucking God yes Keenser!" every time he cums. I would have given up already. No offense meant to Keenser… really …. It's just… WOW – you know?

What do you think she should do? Because I am just… like I said…at a loss…

Sincerely,

Weirded Out but Concerned

****

Dear Weirded Out,

I would love to help you, but I'm laughing so fucking hard that tears are streaming down my face and I can't see what I'm typing.

Please for the love of God tell me who your friend is, and then Please for the love of God tell me that she's sleeping with Scotty…. Wait… I think I know who it is.

She's gonna kick your ass when she reads this too.

If I were you, I'd hide.

AAA

Dear Triple A,

Okay, during the Narada incident, there was the whole issue with time
traveling and ect. right?

I got a chance to meet older Spock (which was pretty
damn awesome!), and he said something about the first James T. Kirk having
brown eyes, not the current captains' blue.

So my question is (since the eyes would have developed in the uterus BEFORE the alien ship arrived) if you know of the Captain secretly wearing glasses?

Thanks,
Four Eyes

****

Dear Four Eyes,

I don't know what the Captain 'secretly' wearing glasses would have to do with the difference in his eye color from this time line to the supposed original, but I will answer your question anyway.

The Captain does wear glasses occasionally. He does not make a secret of this, he needs them to read.

His eyes are blue, because his Mother hand them permanently enhanced shortly after his birth. I'm sure that you are aware that most babies' eyes start out blue. You also may be aware that the Captain's father, George Kirk, died during the Kelvin incident on the day of the Captain's birth. The Captain's mother was very distraught by this.

When she looked down at her infant son, he looked so much like her husband that she found comfort in it. So when the baby's eye's started to change color, she went to a geneticist and had the change halted. Using pictures of the Captain's late father, the geneticist enhanced the blue pigmentation already present in our then infant Captain's eyes, and ensured that they would remain blue during his later development, mirroring the color or his father's eyes.

Unfortunately, the chemical used by the geneticist caused the Captain to become allergic to retinex, which is commonly used to treat near sightedness or far sightedness. Because the Captain is allergic to retinex, he occasionally has to wear glasses or contacts to read.

SOME people think it's sexy, but I'm not going to name names.

Sincerely,

AAA

Dear Triple A,

My friend is being a bitch. I need a phaser. Can I borrow one?

If not I could use some advice on how to make sure she fails the grade...

with love, (DON'T NERVE PINCH ME SPOCK!)
Awful Friend and Proud

****

Dear Awful Friend,

That's a toughie.

First of all, NO you cannot borrow a phaser. There will be no killing aboard my ship no matter how much of a bitch your friend is being.

Second of all, I know that you must be frustrated, but don't be spiteful and petty. That is beneath you. Stooping to her level to ensure that she is also wronged won't do either of you any good and will irreparably damage your friendship.

I'd love to offer you more advice on how to handle the situation without resorting to malicious tactics, but I'd have to know more about it.

What exactly is she doing to 'be a bitch' to you. Are you the only one she is acting this way toward? (If not there may be a bigger underlying problem that she needs professional help with) When did the behavior start? Was there anything particular that triggered it? Is this behavior out of character for her?

Without knowing a bit more about what is going on, the best advice I can give you is to ignore her behavior as much as possible. I know that will be hard, especially when you want to lash out at her in return. You can kill anger faster with kindness than more anger. In essence, just be kind to her, no matter how bad she treats you. Eventually she will either see the error of her ways, or will break down and tell you what the real problem is and you will be able to help her.

If you value her friendship, you'll want to find out what the real problem is so that the two of you can salvage what's left of your friendship.

Sincerely,

AAA

A/N: Thanks to "LS", FantasmaAlineal, karmapolice28, Captaingeek, and Fernsfairie for their AMAZING and AWESOME Questions. This Issue is dedicated to them.

I had to tweak a couple questions – so I hope this worked for you guys. Thanks again.

Hope you enjoyed it.

T.