Shrink or Swim

Lost and Found

Beneath a deceptively abandoned warehouse lies the top- secret headquarters of KAOS, the 'international organization of evil'. It's goal: world domination. Somewhere inside it's labyrinthian passageways a voice echoed.

"Well?!" The fat man's fist pounded on the desktop. The shockwave sent the pencil cup toppling over, sending it's contents rolling in all directions. The two men in front of the desk jumped slightly at the sudden outburst. "Where is it, Segfreid?" The huge man demanded.

The smaller of the two men stepped forward. A blond moustache covered his upper lip and a small scar adorned his left cheek. His German decent revealed itself plainly as he spoke.

"There vas a storm during transport. Ze device vashed overboard. Ze homing beacon indicates..."

"Do you realize how important that device is to KAOS?" The large man behind the desk rose threateningly. "It will revolutionize our smuggling operations. It will make us millions! And the more money we have the easier to take over the world, yes?" Before either had a chance to answer he continued, his voice menacing. "You were in charge of transport arrangements."

Segfried mentally flinched. He knew KAOS's punishment for inefficiency and it wasn't pleasant. But he was the Vice President of Public Relations and Terrorism. Perhaps he could pass the blame.

"Yas, Sir. But..."

"No 'buts'!" the man roared. "You were in charge. The loss is your fault."

Segfried swallowed hard and allowed himself a glance to Starker. His subordinate and lackey was staring straight ahead as he stood at attention. It seemed even his dense brain understood the seriousness of their predicament.

The heavy man behind the desk sat back, opened his cigar box and looked over its contents casually. He finally picked one, lit it and took a few leisurely puffs. He seemed to be enjoying the tension he had caused.

"It's your fault," he began again. "So you will be the ones to retrieve it."

Both men let out a sigh of relief.

"You will fly to Hawaii, then proceed by boat to the location of the device."

"By boat?" Starker spoke for the first time. "Vhy can't ve use a plane?" He whined. "I get seasick."

"Idiots!" He leapt out of his chair with a swiftness of a man half his size and pounded the desk again. "An airplane would be picked up on radar." He took a few more puffs of his cigar and settled down again. "Make arrangements immediately." The big man made a small shooing motion with his hands, sending cigar ash floating down to the desk. "Now get out of my office."

Segfried was not happy as they marched down the long corridor, their boots clicking crisply on the tiled floor. He mumbled fiercely under his breath.

"Vhat's wrong, Segfried?" The taller man asked. "You look...angry."

"Really? Vhat tipped you off?" He spat sarcastically.

"Vell," He paused as if thinking the question over. "Your eyes get all big, and funny little creases appear on your forehead."

Segfried tried to ignore the stupid answer and answered the original question. "Dumkoff! It vill take us days to get there, secure ze device and get back."

Starker shrugged his large shoulders. "Ja, so?"

"Tomorrow is the Annual KAOS Barbecue!"

"Oh." Disappointment touched Starter's deep-set, chronically confused eyes. But he brightened quickly. "But ve get to go to Hawaii! I've alvays wanted to learn the Hula."

The large man began humming 'Aloha O'e' and waving his arms in a rather pathetic impression of the dance.

Segfried rolled his eyes and gave his comrade a hard slap upside the head. "Dumkoff! Zis is KAOS. Ve don't Hula here!" After a second thought he added, "Polka, yes. Hula, no."

Meanwhile, on a small peaceful island in the South Pacific...

7:00 AM day 1

"I got a bite! Oh, boy!" Gilligan gave his fishing pole a hard yank to set the hook. The pole bent nearly in half as he dug his heels into the sand. "I think I caught a whale!" Whatever he had caught was putting up a good fight. Finally, with great effort, he hauled a seaweed-covered object onto the beach.

"A box!" One of the reasons he loved fishing was that he never knew what he was going to catch. More interesting stuff came out of the lagoon than even his wild imagination could ever dream of. Granted, some things had been less than beneficial, like the WW2 mine, the exploding plastic, and radioactive seeds. But many great things had come out of the lagoon too; a lion, a magician's trunk, a video camera and costumes, a jetpack, and of course, plenty of fish.

He found a suitable rock, pried open the lid and tossed it aside. With great anticipation he peered inside. His jaw dropped. "Wow," he muttered. "Skipper!" He leapt up and bounded off in the direction of camp.

"Skipper!" Gilligan shouted as he burst through the jungle foliage into the clearing.

"Don't bother me, Gilligan. Can't you see I'm busy?" The captain didn't even look up from where he was patching the wall of their hut.

"But, Skipper, I caught something."

"Good for you." The captain's voice was considerably less than ecstatic.

"You gotta come see."

"Quit pestering me, Gilligan. Bring it up here, clean it, fillet it, and give it to the girls to cook for lunch."

Gilligan shook his head. "Uh...not this."

The Skipper was beginning to get flustered. "Whatever it is, just bring it back to camp!"

The first mate gave a small shrug. "It's pretty big, Skipper. I don't think I can carry it."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?" He shoved the hammer in his pocket with an irritated grunt and followed the excited young man into the jungle.

"All right, Gilligan. What's so important that..." He saw the box and at once his eyes rolled heavenward and he heaved a short irritated sigh. "Is that all? Another box of junk?"

"I don't think its junk, Skipper." Gilligan said, nearly dragging the captain across the beach toward his unusual catch.

"What is it then?"

"I don't know. But I don't think its junk. See?"

The Skipper's eyes widened as they reached the crate and he got a good look at what was inside.

"What is it, Skipper?"

"It looks like some sort of machine. Let's take it to the Professor. He'll know what it is."

7:15 AM

"I have no idea what it is." The Professor stared hard at the strange device now standing in the supply hut. It was four and a half feet of metal, wires, knobs and buttons. But the most unusual feature was the glasslike cylinder that topped the strange contraption. It was about as big around as the Skipper's arm with tiny silver wires running the entire length.

"I think it's an alien laser gun." Gilligan concluded. "Just like in the adventures of X-Ray Man!" Using his thumb and forefinger as an imaginary weapon he began firing on various objects. "Tseew! Tseew! Boom, POW!"

"Will you knock that off!"

A whack over the head from the Skipper's hat brought the first mate out of his little game.

"'Alien laser gun'. Hmph! That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

The Professor shrugged. "You never know. Gilligan's guess is as good as mine."

The Skipper's jaw dropped. "You mean this could be an alien laser gun?" Had their intelligent friend gone island-happy?

"Well, not the alien part obviously. I seriously doubt that extraterrestrials would utilize oak crates for transport or pack their valuables with Honolulu newspapers."

The captain breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't know what he would have done if the Professor had gone nuts.

"But it could very well be a weapon of some sort."

"Like a laser gun?" Gilligan asked hopefully.

The Professor smiled. "Perhaps."

"Oh, boy!"

"Please, Professor." The Skipper implored. "Don't get him more wound up than he already is."

"There's good reason to be excited, Skipper."

"Of course there is! A real, live laser gun. Wow!"

"It's not alive, Gilligan. And that's not what he means. Er...What do you mean, Professor?"

"I mean this object, whatever it is," he put a hand on the glass cylinder, "will be the key to our liberation."

"This thing?" The Skipper pushed back his hat to scratch his head. "But I thought you don't know what it is."

"I don't. But you see this little box here?" The Professor pointed to a small square protrusion with a solitary blinking light. "That's a homing beacon. It emits a signal that the owner can home in on. They could be en route here this very minute!"

The Skipper could barely contain his excitement. "Are you sure, Professor? I mean are you sure they'll come looking for it?"

"Well, I can't be 100% certain. But simply the fact that it has such a feature as a homing device insists that it is of utmost importance. It appears to be highly sophisticated and probably quite expensive. I doubt the owner would not even make an effort to recover it."

"Oh, boy." Gilligan turned excitedly and bolted from the hut. "Hey, everybody! We're going to be rescued! We're going to be rescued!"

Yes, there is a bit of a crossover to Get Smart (the show not the movie). But since I just needed some good bad guys (oxymoron) and they're not an integral part of the story I didn't feel it necessary to put it in the crossover section.