A/N: This is just a quick one-shot songfic that popped into my head when this song came on the radio during my drive to work this morning. I figured since it wouldn't go away all day I might as well do something with it, right? This is based on the song "Honesty (Write Me A List)" by Rodney Atkins. If you've never heard the song, take a listen either before or after you read this - it's a really beautiful song.
Meredith Shepherd shivered slightly as she opened the door of the rented black sedan and was met a gust of cold Manhattan wind. God, I hate this town, she thought bitterly as she stepped onto the curb.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?"
She smiled and shook her head as she looked back at her friend in the driver's seat. "You know I have to do this alone, Alex," she said sadly. "I'll call you when I'm ready to be picked up."
Closing the door behind her, she quickly made her way out of the cold and into the warmth of the small diner. Meredith could instantly see why Derek liked this place. It had that homey, unpretentious feel that almost made you forget you were in the middle of one of the busiest cities in the country, and she could almost smell how good the food would taste – or at least, how good she imagined it would taste if she'd had even the tiniest bit of an appetite.
Spotting him tucked away in a back booth, she quietly slipped in across from him, placing her hands on the table and staring intently at them. "So," she said tentatively. "How does this work?"
He said, "Just think it over and write me a list,
So we can figure out what we both deserve."
They both knew that there was no need for small talk, not on a day like today. Pleasantries were entirely inappropriate at the start of an unpleasant conversation like the one he knew he was about to have. Both of their lawyers had been opposed to this meeting, although Meredith wasn't sure if they were more frightened of losing their massive retainers or of some actual injustice being committed against one of their clients.
Derek Shepherd had come to fight, and he'd assured his lawyer of that beforehand. The poor man was probably still a little shaken by the way Derek had just rolled over during his last divorce. This time, Derek had no intention of giving Meredith everything, even if he'd been the one to instigate the whole thing.
She hardly could believe it,
That their love had come to this.
Dividing and deciding his and hers.
This was not how things were supposed to work out. There should have been babies, picket fences, happy endings – he had promised her a dream and for a time, she'd let herself believe it could come true. But her life was not a dream, it never had been, and she'd been foolish to think that it could be. She'd known for a while that the dream was fading, that it was slipping out of her grasp, but it wasn't until she'd come home one night and found the signed divorce papers waiting for her on the kitchen table that she knew it was well and truly gone, and her husband along with it.
She hadn't been surprised that he'd gone back to New York after leaving her. Seattle was the new Derek, New York was the old Derek. His family was here, ready to welcome him back with open arms. And now she had to take all their love, all the hurt and betrayal and pain, all the joy and happiness and beauty, and boil it down to one little list? Freaking impossible, she thought to herself.
But she grabbed a paper napkin,
Asked the waitress for a pen.
And one by one she wrote down
What she wanted most from him.
Meredith wasn't sure what he'd want from her, what she even had to offer him in terms of the settlement. What did she have that she even considered hers? Her mother's house had long since been sold and the profits poured into the building of their dream house. She couldn't ask for that, though. The land was his, and the house with it, and she would never take that from him, even if her lawyer thought there was a chance she could get it.
Honesty. Sincerity. Tenderness and trust.
A little less time for the rest of the world,
And more for the two of us.
Kisses each morning. I love you's at night.
Just like it used to be.
The way life was, when you were in love with me.
In the end, she wasn't sure there was anything that they'd accumulated in their eight years of marriage that she wanted to keep. The stuff meant nothing to her, and could be easily replaced. It wasn't as though either of them needed the other for money, not with the million dollar job offers that came their way every few years. No, financially she'd land on her feet, even if she walked away from their marriage with nothing more than her maiden name and an ache in her heart.
There had been good times, times that she might even call great, even if they were so long ago that it was hard for either of them to remember. There had been a time when all she wanted to do was see him, when she begged to be on cases with him just to spend time together. There had been a time when he rushed home from work every night, when he actually knew where the 'off' button on his phone was and when he occasionally didn't have to be reminded to use it.
She reached across the table and placed it in his hand
And said, "You know, this isn't easy for me."
If all she kept were the memories of the happy years, Meredith knew she'd be walking away a winner. The truth was, despite how bad things had been the past few years, she had never once regretted marrying Derek. And that was the hardest part – the knowledge that this wasn't her doing. The fact that if it had been up to her, the word 'divorce' never would have entered their marital vocabulary. They might not have been happy, but at the same time, the marriage never would have ended, because she had never given up the hope that someday, those first few happy years would be found again.
As he thought about the new car,
The house and the land
Derek couldn't help but feel guilty when he saw the pain in his wife's eyes as she handed him the list. He'd come to this meeting with every intention of being fair, but being firm. There would be no rolling over like there was when he divorced Addison, no giving up and giving in this time. He had a list in his mind, things that he wanted to get out of this second failed marriage of his, and he walked into that diner with every intention of fighting her for the things he wanted. He'd had the land before her, and wanted to keep that, which obviously meant keeping the house. He supposed he'd turn the car over to her, he could always buy himself another one.
And wondered what that bottom line would be,
And a thousand other things that she'd want him to leave behind.
He hadn't bought Meredith much jewelry, not compared to what there had been to split and sell with Addison. His mother's ring would come back to him, he would see to that. The rest of it – a few pairs of diamond earrings, a sapphire necklace, an emerald pin – he figured she'd want to keep for herself. He still had the Manhattan townhouse that Addison had insisted he take in their divorce, the place he had never thought he'd set foot in again but now found himself living in; he wondered briefly if Meredith would be interested in it. There was furniture in Seattle they'd need to sort out, a small but valuable art collection he'd started recently – when he really thought about, they truly did have a lot of stuff she could lay claim to.
But he never dreamed he'd open up that napkin and find,
Honesty. Sincerity. Tenderness and trust.
A little less time for the rest of the world,
And more for the two of us.
For a moment, Derek nearly forgot to breathe as he read, reread and read again the words on that napkin. After everything they'd been though – after everything he'd put her through – this was what she wanted. He'd pushed her away, buried himself in his work and left her to fend for herself. Staring at her shaky handwriting, glancing nervously across the table at her tear-stained cheeks and shattered eyes, he finally started to see exactly what she was thinking.
Kisses each morning. I love you's at night.
Just like it used to be.
The way life was, when you were in love with me.
He'd almost forgotten about the good years, when they used to stay up all night talking…or not talking, as the case might be. Before the miscarriages, before he'd dragged her to half the fertility specialists in the country, before the failed in vitro and tests and prodding and misdiagnoses. Before the fights, before he stopped listening, before she stopped talking. Before he became Chief, before she moved to Seattle Presbyterian, before he could go days without realizing he hadn't seen his wife at all.
Before everything else, there had been love. Not just any love, either – what they had had was a deep, all-consuming love. A love that made them believe in the face of all odds that they would make it. A love that had him paging her to any place he could think of, just so he could see her again. A love that had survived so much, that he'd slowly pushed it to the side and assumed it would always be there.
Well he fought back the tears as he looked in her eyes
And said, "I don't know where to start."
Derek couldn't remember the last time he'd cried in front of his wife. Maybe after the first miscarriage. After the second, even. Beyond that, when it had become obvious that this would be their pattern, he'd stopped crying in front of her, convinced it was just one more reason she wasn't eager to see yet another specialist, to try yet another option. Meredith had done plenty of crying, of course, but he'd remained dry-eyed when she was around. Somehow, they had turned themselves so inward in their pain that they had failed to so much as think about each other. And now, after years of pain and heartache and in the face of what he was sure she considered his ultimate betrayal – walking away, fleeing to the safety of his hometown instead of staying to face her – he wasn't sure going back was even possible.
And she said, "Everything on that list in your hand,
Is written somewhere in your heart."
"I don't want to give up, Derek," she said quietly, standing up and looking over at him. "You told me once that you would always show up, no matter what. I'm not saying that I think we can snap our fingers and have the marriage we used to have; I'm not stupid. But I know you're using your head, not your heart right now, because I know in your heart, you still remember how to be in love with me. I'm still here, Derek, I'm still waiting for you to show up. You know where to find me when you're ready."
Derek let out a shaky breath as he watched her walk out of the diner. Glancing down once more at the list, he smiled as he knew exactly what he needed to do. Tossing a few bills on the table, he slipped the napkin into his pocket as he stood up and quickly followed her out of the restaurant.
Honestly. Sincerity.
Just like it used to be.
The way life was, when you were in love with me.