Every Hug – by The Problematique

The First Time

The first time was involuntary, I am certain of it. He did not walk toward me so much as fall against me, body crumpling in a graceful arch. I initially believed he must have lost consciousness.

But he had not.

He rested his face against the curve of my deltoid and trapezius muscles and breathed deeply as though inhaling life itself from the base of my neck. I remained still, unsure of how to proceed. We stood alone among a mass of bodies, fallen comrades and enemies alike, and Mr Scott would beam us out at any second.

"You're alive," he said finally, lips caressing my earlobe, so softly that another Human could not have heard him, only me.

He was stating a fact, however I did not know why he needed to say it out loud. I did not answer, as he had not asked a question, either. It was obvious that I lived and it was evident that he did not doubt that… anymore.

My body remained tense throughout the duration of this strange new gesture on Jim's part, strange because he was familiar with my personal preferences and often (not always) respected them. And tense because I was not comfortable with the touch, so much of it, everywhere. The surface of contact pressed every line of his body against mine, crowding me with skin and thoughts I had to block out as decorum dictated, even in my exhausted state when mental strength was not optimal.

I soon began to feel overwhelmed. Engulfed, surrounded.

And as the seconds passed and he still did not let me go I sensed my composure slipping, slowly, leaving me with the beginnings of panic, because I was not in control now, not anymore, and my fear only served to frighten me further, it was the beginning of the spiral, the losing of my mind…

"I'm sorry, Spock," he said then, his voice pained, tortured, wretched.

Somehow this gave me sufficient strength. I did not speak, however I was able to separate my physical reactions from my thought process, and take a calming breath. Jim's voice reminded me that this was him, that I must not give in. My focus returned, the spiral stopped spinning, and I mentally pulled back, pulled away, detached. Calm. In control.

If I analyzed this unusual situation, I could easily explain to myself why my reaction had been so negative. Rationally, there was a level of intimacy to this very Human contact I was not accustomed to, not with another person with whom there existed no previous romantic involvement. Furthermore it had come at an unexpected time, so it was natural that I was not prepared to deal with it accordingly.

I was aware, of course, of the fact that Human friends often embraced, however I had never expected such interactions to happen between Jim and I. Did this make us friends?

It was not a negative thought. It was curiously... logical. The next step in our interactions. We had become friends. Jim was my friend.

I felt his lips move against the skin on my shoulder as he spoke. I felt-

"I- I'm gonna pull away soon okay? I'm very sorry. Just… give me a moment. Please. Give me… this." His voice was rough and low.

I did not reply this time either, but it was because I could not.

This will be a collection of scenes between our boys hugging that will show the progress of their relationship as it changes... and evolves :D The chapters themselves will be short (but slightly longer than this one, and probably not as angsty. Then again, this is Spock's POV, and boy is he difficult to write with humour). Kind of like little glimpses into Spock's thoughts.

Is it very lame to use that segway and ask for a little glimpse of your thoughts? *wink wink nudge nudge*

I have decided that reviews are awesomesauce. Why? Well, I learnt this word not a few days ago and DECIDED it. Fun, yes?