Word count: 1560

Genre: general

Rating: worksafe

Note: Character study for several different individuals working with the Black Order.

Everyone has things that embarrasses them, or at least makes them uncomfortable about themselves. Some things are the kind of things that you make fun of, like the times when Allen walks in his sleep to the kitchen and eats all the ingredients for the next day's breakfast. Other things aren't as easy to laugh off, if they are talked about at all. Like Allen's sudden habit to walk in his sleep to other places than the kitchen, with a twisted smile on his face and a chilled look in his eyes, so unlike his own always calmly cheerful self that even Link sometimes hesitates to address him when he gets out of bed in the middle of the night.

Lenalee is ashamed of her own reactions and doubt when it comes to this new Allen she's encountered once already. She is scared to death that she one day will have to witness the Noah take over and steal this part of her world from her, and that she will not be able to do anything about it. She is ashamed of her own disability to decide who she would be loyal to in case Allen would turn into their enemy.

And then the daylight brightens the halls of the new Headquarters, and washes away all the doubts of the night, and soon Lenalee is allowed to forget the guilt of her own uncertainties and to instead bow her head in shame and ask another poor finder to please forgive her brother, he means no harm; he is only a little overprotective, though she herself has nothing against having lunch with him sometime – as a friend, of course.

Komui on his side shows no shame what so ever for having put another man who wanted to make friends with his sister in the hospital lounge. Instead, he clings to said sister, sobbing into her shoulder and demanding to know exactly what her relationship with the man is ("he was touching your shoulder and everything!", "please, brother, he was just telling me I did a good job in Istanbul last week…") and as he sees the tiny wrinkle disappear from her brow to be replaced with a reproachful look, he feels no regret at all.

But then he is alone in his office, looking through mission reports and counting lives (five hundred deaths by Akuma counted only in Europe over the last four days), wondering how many he could have prevented from being ruined, if he'd only been more competent, he bows his head and wishes at least for the ability to keep her safe, keep her smiling, keep her away from everything that causes her unnecessary pain. He knows that there is nothing he can do, and his own weakness pains him more than he can stand.

Reever finds Komui asleep under a pile of coffee stained reports sometime around noon the next day, and yells at the "incompetent head of science" for a few minutes, before he goes to work to see how much he will have to cover up for for his chief today. When he finds that all the numbers are in order and all the new missions have already been sent out, it perplexes him for a moment, before his ears redden slightly and he has to go to brew another cup of really black coffee for the "incompetent head of science".

In the kitchen, he runs into Miranda, who is too busy apologizing to everyone she encounters for the horrible mess of a pudding she has been attempting to help the kitchen staff make. It never seizes to amaze people how much the woman can actually fail at, but – as Allen often points out – it is also hard to get angry at someone who tries so hard. Miranda is never late to fall to her knees and clutch at someone's clothes, sobbing and asking for forgiveness, even though the only one who finds her mistakes that severe and shameful is herself.

Actually, there are some who finds this particular trait of her rather adorable, like Marie, and some who find it remarkable and admirable, such as Krory. The Rumanian man often looks to Miranda for inspiration to put his own past behind him, and stop feeling such guilt and shame for what he did to one of the most important people in his life. No matter how well he knows that Eliade was his natural enemy and that he acted on instinct when he killed her, he still wakes up screaming in the middle of the night more often than not. To look to Allen for advise isn't possible anymore because of "the watchdog", as most of the Exorcists has taken to calling Allen's blond shadow. Krory would be too ashamed to let the inspector hear about his awful deeds in the past, and so he tries to learn to deal with his guilt on his own, with various levels of success.

Another person who is ashamed by his past is the latest addition to General Tiedoll's squad. Chaozii never did tell anyone, not even Kie or Maosa, about his feelings towards his mistress. He has desperately been trying to convince himself that his devotion was built on loyalty, and that his grief only came from having lost the "family" he had gained amongst Anita's followers, but in reality, there were quite a few times when he thought about the things he would have liked to do to the "damn General" once they caught up with him, for hurting his beloved's feelings like that.

Experience has made him a wiser man, however, and he has a new purpose now, he reminds himself as Tiedoll points out another smaller mountain for him to try his Innocence on.

Talking about General Cross; if that man has ever felt any guilt or shame for any of his past actions, he has been sure to never show it. Allen wishes that he could believe in the regretful tone in his master's voice when he said he was sorry for what the boy had been put through, but in reality, he isn't sure what he thinks. And that is another reason for him to look deep into his eleventh bowl of soup, feeling like the worst kind of person for doubting his own protector like this.

Then he is asked to promptly go to the Arc's control room to fix some of the settings for gate 32; the Order has gotten a call from a rather annoyed General Klaud Nine who's group has been stuck in a snow storm in Moscow for a whole day. On the way there, he has to run past the library, which means that he is side tracked by Lavi, who sticks out his head just as Allen passes by and asks him if he can lend him his "watchdog" for a party of chess, maybe?

Allen waves the redhead off with a "No time, there's—sorry, I'll talk to you later" and Link sends the young Bookman an annoyed look as the two continues down the hall.

Lavi is left standing in the door, grin fading only a little as he watches their backs. He still has more than a little problems with sorting his feelings towards the white haired boy out; ever since the Arc, and Road, he has found that he can't quite face that part of himself any more. While he before were too easy going and took too many things for granted, analyzing the world around him without analyzing its impact on his own self, he is now uncertain about how to keep the act an act without letting the friends he's made notice.

He is also uncertain of what really is an act. The name Lavi is as real to him as a name ever has been, and the relationships attached to that persona are dear to him in a way that is unforgivable for a Bookman. One day he will have to give it all up, he doesn't doubt that, but that doesn't keep him from fingering the Innocence by his side thoughtfully, looking for a change in the connection, ever fearful of what he might find. Him and Bookman hasn't had many missions lately, as the old man wants to stick around and record the initial using of the Arc as a transport device, and a life without fighting and putting pressure on his Innocence suits Lavi just fine, for the time being.

Of course, all of this is things he could never mention out loud, or even in his personal records. The shame he feels is another new emotion, as he has never had anything to be ashamed of before, but he has no one to talk to.

Bookman is out of the question. The old man knows about his apprentice's suffering, of course, but he will let the boy overcome his own obstacles. He doesn't feel guilt for leaving Lavi hanging, neither does he feel annoyance for the boy's refusal to deal with the problem right away. Bookman keeps his own records, which are completely freed from all emotion.

Him and Kanda are a bit alike in that respect. Kanda doesn't show shame, he doesn't feel shame; he is a man with a purpose, and he doesn't have time for something as hindering as regret.