Raph found a porn mag in Mikey's room today.

It was...ugly.

Not the magazine; that was actually quite impressive, as far as pornographic material goes. The models were surprisingly realistic, so either they paid a lot of money, half of the girls were under eighteen and looking to make a buck (and a lawsuit) or someone was very dutiful with their photo editing. I compared the pixel ratio on the neck to see if there were any "head transplants," but I didn't see anything. I didn't have time to scan it into my computer to do a more thorough examination though, Master Splinter confiscated it. I tried to tell him it was for the sake of science, but he didn't believe me. Damn.

I feel bad for Mike, though. I mean, it's not like we all haven't done anything like that; well, maybe with the exception of Leo, though I don't doubt he's at least thought about it. But he just wasn't careful enough. Really, leaving it out in the open like that? Of course, Raphael finding it was just pure bad luck. If it had been me, I'd probably just have left it alone. Leonardo would have taken it and lectured Michelangelo for a nice long while about the sinful pleasures that distract a man from the true path of ninjutsu, but eventually he'd work out that he was giving moral advice to the turtle equivalent of a brick wall and would have left to destroy it. Raphael, of course, had no such reservations. The second he discovered that his "adorable baby brother" had a magazine full of naked women in compromising positions, the entire lair knew and Mike was beyond humiliated. That was bad enough, but Sensei finding out...that's worse.

Much worse.

Not that he was absolutely furious, no; he was disappointed, but boys will be boys and he knows it. No, it's not because of the punishment.

It's because of The Talk. And Mikey got it.

...I wish I'd been there.

When Mikey finally left Master Splinter's room, the shogi door sliding to a doleful shut behind him, Leonardo and I tried desperately not to look too interested in seeing his expression. I'm better at it than Leo -our "Fearless Leader" being honest to a fault- but Raph sauntered right up and clapped Mikey on the shoulder, congratulated him on "becoming a true man." Mike just gave him a sour look, like he wanted to flip Raph over his shoulder but thought better of it. Raphael laughed and bullied him for a bit longer, but seeing as how Mike was (surprisingly) not taking the bait, he eventually got bored and wandered off to do something brutal. Probably beat the sand out of his punching bag again.

I'd thought that Michelangelo would head up to his room to be humiliated up there, but instead he wandered over to my work center and sat down heavily on a stool, letting his head connect with the table with a heavy sounding thud. My tools rattled and I calmly stopped what I was tinkering with to keep a screwdriver from rolling off. "That bad, huh?"

That was all it took. Mikey straightened with an agonized groan, eyes rolled skyward and hands held out like he was begging for respite. There was no doubt in my mind that he had, however silently, as our sensei outlined the more critical points of intercourse between two people, be they human, turtle or otherwise. "Oh my GodDonny, it was bad. It was so bad. He just kept going! I was like, 'Sensei I know all this,' and he told me that I didn't since I was so curious, and he just kept talking about it." His face flushed a darker green with a hint of a red undertone at the mere memory. "I know he was punishing me. I know it."

"As he should have." Leo apparently had made his way over here while we were distracted, silently -in all his ninja glory- for the sole purpose of getting in a good lecture to drive the point further home. Our eldest brother folded his arms over his chest and Looked Sternly at Mike. Did I mention that Leo is fluent in the language of Look? Because he is. "How could you keep something so indecent? How'd you even get a hold of it, anyway?"

Mikey squared his shoulders at that, lifting his chin and managing to look dignified (though I'm pretty sure it was just to be cheeky). "Leonardo. Bushido dictates that I not sell out my sources."

Leo snorted. "So it was Casey."

"H-how'd you know?!" Mikey gaped and I watched the exchange with raised brows, fighting a smile as I rested my chin in my hand.

"Process of elimination." Leo shook his finger at Mike, scowling. "I hope you've learned your lesson. You shouldn't let these distractions get in the way of your training. It's bad enough you goof off all the time with your video games, comics and movies, the last thing you need to add on to that is perversity."

"God, Leo, you're such a prude. Like you've never even had a wet dream."

Leonardo sputtered and flushed so dark he could've passed for Raph with a sunburn. I couldn't help it; I laughed and joined in. I had to. "If he did, it was probably about him achieving some new level of mastery over dual-wielded ninjaken techniques."

"Don!" Leonardo looked scandalized, like I had insulted his mother. Mikey, however, had roared with laughter and slapped his knee.

"Though if that's the case, I should probably pick up a couple psychology books; I'm sure Freud would have something to say about it." I rolled my eyes up to give Leo a meaningful look and my brother caught the hint, somehow lifting himself to appear taller and honorable without really doing anything. He glanced at Mikey once more, but opted not to say anything and instead headed back over to where he'd been meditating before.

Michelangelo thanked me by draping himself over my shoulders like some sort of reptilian scarf. "Donny, my hero. I knew there was a reason I hung around you."

"Oh thanks. It's not because you enjoy my company or anything." My retort was mild and Mikey caught on, grinning and handing me the screwdriver I'd saved earlier when I gestured to it. "I should start charging you protection money."

"You think Leo really does have dirty dreams about ninjutsu?" Mike's voice was thoughtful and I had to spare a glance to make sure that yes, he really was considering it.

"If he has a sex drive at all, I'm sure his dirty dreams have ninjustu somehow integrated into them." The back panel of the boom box gave way beneath my steady hand and I started to tear it apart -figuratively- for the parts. "But you need to be more careful, Mikey. Don't leave that kind of stuff out in the open; at least have a lock box."

"Yeah, yeah." Mikey sulked, leaning forward and resting his chin on his arms as he crossed them atop my work table. There was a comfortable silence as I tugged wires from inside the radio, arranging them out atop the table according to color and type. Then Mike made a sound of confusion and sat up, giving me a look. "...Don? Do you have...y'know. Stuff?"

I scoffed. "Of course I do."

Mike goggled, suddenly much more interested in me than he had been a couple minutes ago. He spun on the chair to face me, gripping the seat between his legs and staring in awe. "You do?! Really? I mean, it's not like, 'Hottest Nerd Babes in the year 2100?' "

"There's probably something like that in my archives." The screwdriver works as a lever and fulcrum in one as I pry open another panel. There's another sound of bemusement from mylittle brother at that response though, and I give him a knowing glance out of the corner of my eye. "...Mike, all my stuff is on my computer, locked with a password in a hidden folder that I'll never be showing to anyone. I meant it when I said you should have a lock box."

"Wow..." Mikey murmured, and I feel like I've suddenly gotten a little less nerdy and a little cooler in his eyes. Feels kind of good.

"And Raphael keeps his stash behind a loose brick on the wall opposite the entrance to his room." I probably should have expected the tackle-hug I got, but I didn't. Even though he interrupted my work and scattered the wires onto the floor with the maneuver, I couldn't help but chuckle and pat his shell. "If you do end up using that information, I didn't tell you."

Mikey jumped up to his feet and grinned, snapping off a sharp salute. "Yes sir!" And he was off to begin plotting whatever nefarious revenge he had in mind for our brother.

I shook my head and bent down to gather the wires that had fallen. My brothers will never learn; information is the best weapon a turtle can have, whether it be about how to infiltrate the Foot's headquarters or where Raphael's porn is hidden.

"That was wrong of you," Leonardo pointed out quietly from where he sat, but he was smiling.

"You'd have done it too." And he would have. "Raph deserves it."

Leonardo cracked open an eye, though he still maintained his lotus position, fingers barely touching as they rested on his knees. "You scare me sometimes, Don."

"Rightfully so."

I might not be the fastest, the strongest or the most disciplined, but I am the most powerful turtle in this lair and now all my brothers know it.