Jesus on Twitter

Just been given birth to. Had three old guys staring at me when I came out. Knew this immaculate-conception thing was a bad idea.

Step-dad talked to an angel last night. Tried to tell me and mum about it but I didn't listen. He's not my real dad anyway.

WTF!!!! Running away cos King Herod is trying to kill me. WTF is his problem?

Hiding in Egypt. I hate hate hate Egypt. If they're so clever, why do they build so many pyramids? Haven't they heard of the square? It stinks like camel.

Bored bored bored... :-(

Going to Nazareth now cos step-dad saw an angel again. Mum sure knows how to pick them.

Tried to get baptized but the guy asked if I could baptize him instead. Thinking twice about this whole Christianity thing.

OMG! Got out of the water and the heavens were opened unto me! The Spirit of God descended on me like a dove! This is frickin' AWESOME!!!!!!!

Been fasting a few days now. The devil asked me to jump off a pinnacle but I told him to get lost. What kind of idiot does he think I am? Tosser.

Johnny B is in gaol – c ya later Nazareth.

Just got a whole bunch of disciples. We're going to rock this kingdom. LOL

Been preaching at some synagogues and healing the sick and stuff.

Sunday is tomorrow – day off! OOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEAAAAAH!!!

Went to a mountain and told the disciples a whole bunch of stuff. Can be accessed on my website .org

Healed a leper and cast out some devils and stuff.

Did all this good stuff and the Pharisees are still giving me crap. Just as well they're going to hell. ROFLAMAO

Disciples all went off to do their own thing. Sort of lonely now except God is with me and all that stuff too. I'd kill for a burger.

Just fed five thousand people with five fish through a belief in God. Also tried my luck on the lottery but only won division four.

OMG! Just turned water into wine! Party at my place WOOOOOOHOOOO!

Pharisees are back with the Sadducees this time. I hate it when they gang up on me – G2G.

Going to Jerusalem and told my disciples I'm going to be crucified – got a bit akward – no one likes backing the losing horse or the horse that gets crucified.

Last supper. Tasty tasty fish. MMMMM yummmm tasty tasty

Got double crossed by Judas Iscariot today. Surprised none of the other disciples worked it out – he's the only one with a last name

Up on the cross today. My arms kinda hurt.

Bored bored bored… :-(

Going away for a few days – hope they don't cancel my twitter account.

Just got back again everybody. I'll be visiting y'all soon – much preaching to catch up on!

Gave an inspiring pep talk today to the disciples about keeping up the good work. Went pretty fecking well.

I'm off again – See yas upstairs! LOL

Sitting next to God and having an awesome as time! See you all soon – AWESOME AS, HELL YEAH BABY!!!!!!! xox