broadway is dark tonight

kendall/james, one-sided logan/kendall

an: before anyone asks, this story is complete. it will never have a sequel or another chapter or a spin-off (because it would take too much out of me to continue this, even if this is like my child, and now it's fully grown from all the love and attention that I gave it, and the last thing I need is it living in my garage when it's full grown.)

---

"They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cos (s)he's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no, it don't breakeven

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
yeah, I'm falling to pieces"

- "Breakeven,"
The Script

---

Kendall Knight is a liar and going to hell for it, and he knows it. He knows it in every single muscle in his body, every hair in his head, everytime his heart clenches painfully when he hears a goofy laugh and smells hair gel and cinnamon and cologne and hears a pleasant humming noise or stupid slightly off-key singing.

He's madly in love with someone-- no, not someone, someone who is his best friend and makes his world go round and he would take a bullet for them. He loves them with all his heart and it breaks a little more each time that they flirt and laugh with another person with long hair and smells of flowers and weakness and they're a skank.

Kendall can do so much better than this girly whore who is leaning against the counter of the register, her shirt hanging down. He makes a disgusted sound in the back of his throat and focuses on the calender behind her, makes himself read every single date. He does not flinch everytime he hears laughing and flirting (liar) and damn, if the hoe doesn't stop, he's gonna slap her. She'll deserve it, having her boobs laying on the table and twirling her hair and saying how she just looooves boy bands-

He grinds his nails into his hands and grits his teeth. "Can we please just pay?" he forces out of his girl-- who's nametag reads Jenny-- and James look over. James frowns, something akin to confusion on that perfect face and when he says, "Sure," there's a hint of irratitaion in his voice. He doesn't try to mask it.

He should, Kendall thinks, glancing over at Jenny again. If I have to sit here and watch him with this hoe, then he should so be able to have some freaking decency. It's disgusting.

He does not tell himself that it's only because he's jealous and Jenny is actually kind of pretty looking and James doesn't look at him with that goofy grin and big, wide beautiful brown eyes. He just hates to watch his best friend (-- and hopefully one day boyfriend, which is way too much to wish for and he knows it but he can't help but be optimistic because then- well, it's too much to think about) flirt with someone who will break his heart one day, slowly and painfully.

They pay the bill, splitting the cost, sling on their coats and Kendall pulls James away before he can say goodbye to Jenny. James shoots him an annoyed look which Kendall ignores, choosing to drag him by the sleeve through the door and the cold air hits in the face. He shudders as the door closes and James's hand lands on his, prying his fingertips off. (He doesn't know if he shudders from the cold air or the touch of James's hand, and he doesn't bother to figure it out.)

He turns and braces himself for that angry face of James. He expects to see his eyebrows drawn low and that look of 'What the hell was that?' on his beautiful baby-doll face.

"What the hell was that?" James asks, only there's confusion a hint of curiousity instead of anger. Kendall prefers anger than this, because it'll only lead to pestering questions that he doesn't want to-- nor will-- answer. He'll change the subject and make excuses because it might lead to a huge, earth-shattering secret flying from his lips before he can stop them and he really likes his face to be bruise free.

"N-Nothing," he stutters out weakly. Kendall mentally kicks himself in the head for that, grinding his teeth together. All the anger from before ebbs away and all that is left is exhaustion, like there always is. He's tired of lying, but he'd much rather hate himself than have James hate him.

Beggars can't be choosers, he tells himself in his mind but it doesn't help. It was his stupid mind that got him in this situation in the first place. (Wrong, his brain whispers. It was your heart and your dick that did this. Your heart for falling in love with him, falling and crashing with no parachute and all there is a pit of thorns underneath him, and he didn't bother to think about the consequences. It was your dick that made you notice that he was getting hot when you were thirteen and everything started changing and you haven't been able to change in front of him like you used to or sleep in the same bed because he'd wake up with an unpleasent surprise poking him in the back.)

James glances over at him as he blows his hair out of his face, eyes squinting in the sunlight that still manages to make everything cold. The cold air slaps him in the face and Kendall turns his head. He doesn't want to get caught staring, that'd mean more confessions and questions and he doesn't want to get in a fight. Because as bad as this sucks, it can still get a hundred million times worse.

"What was with that? Everytime I talk to a girl, you freak out and go off the deep end. Look, I know we haven't seen each other much and stuff, but we're in LA. This is the paradise for girls and money. We have to get out there and see the world."

"Uh-huh," Kendall says slowly, a little skeptical. He kicks a random rock in the rock and rocks on his heels, hands shoved in his pockets as they wait for the crosswalk to turn to green. "We really gotta get our driver's license sometimes, this walking thing sucks."

James laughs, a little bark of nervous laughter. Kendall's stomach coils and he forces himself to breath out his nose."I'd probably fail it," he admits sheepisly and Kendall turns his head to look at his profile. "'Sides, we have to have our permit for six months before we get our license."

"Logan's the only one who has his permit, too. We could just help him pass the test and have him chauffeur us around. It'd be kinda cool."

James snorts and shakes his hair out of his eyes, green-brown sparkling. "Yeah, except he'd want to kill us by time he's done. You know how he is."

It's said with a touch of love underneath the it's-just-Logan-being-Logan voice. Kendall's stomach tosses painfully and he wonders if James says his name like that, love and affection audible. He hopes with everything he has.

"Hey, there it is."Kendall whips his head around and frowns. "There's what?"

"T-That look," James says, eyes bright and wide like he's trying to solve a mystery. He looks kind of like a little kid, he thinks and grins. "That far away look you've been getting lately. You always smile just like that. It looks like yo-" James gasps suddenly and his eyes grow even wider, if at all possible. "You're in love! That's what that look is!"

Kendall feels all the blood drain in his face. He sees spots dance behind his eyes and all the bones in his legs turn to jell-o. He leans over and takes the pole in his hands and puts his head down. He wants to puke; he can feel the chinese food he just ate climb up his stomach and press against his lips. He wants to scream.

"Kendall? Kendall! Are you okay? Hey, what's happening?"

James lays his hand on Kendall's arm and he feels sparks slide up his spine. "Please," he whimpers, "don't touch me." (or I'll explode.)

He can hear the harsh intake of breath from James and can see his face from the side of his eyes; scared and hurt and sad. He hates himself for a minute for being the one to hurt him, but he knows that if James touches him again, he'll explode into millions of pieces on the ground of tiny words of I love you, James and I'm such a fucking liar and Please forgive me.

Spots dance behind his eyes and his lips mumble something-- he's not sure what-- before everything goes black and he falls into ignorances's and self-hatred's arms.

---

When he wakes up, the first thing he's aware of is the throbbing in his head. He briefly wonders where am I? He hears voices and clamps his jaws shuts and just listens to the brief words and syllables he picks up, like radio static waning in and out.

"-just passed out."

"-such a fucking idiot-"

"-what does it-"

"Has he acted like this for lo-"

"-I don't get it!"

"Are we out of toilet paper?"

"-why wouldn't he tell me?"

"-to the hospital?"

Finally, after a while-- it could be minutes, seconds, or hours, all he knows is that he keeps drifting between dreamland and reality and his head throbs-- he stays concious for a minute. He barely flutters his eyes open a fraction of an inch and peers around from what he can see. It's not much, so he opens his eyes and groans.

The lights hit his eyes and he screws them back shut, whimpering a bit. Someone rushes over and he feels someone take his hand and hears someone whisper in his ear, "Baby? Are you okay?"

He tries to say 'yeah' but all that comes out is a dry croak and he screws his eyes tighter and lays still for a minute. The voices stop and after a few seconds of counting to ten in his head, he opens his eyes reluctantly and peers around.

His mom laughs a little and holds his hand a little tighter, pressing a kiss to his head. He sees Katie, trying her hardest to look like this a burden to her but he can see the faint tear-tracks on her cheeks and the red ring around her eyes. Her fingernails are bitten down and bloody.

Carlos is sitting in the chair next to his bed, concern written all over his face. Logan is across the room, chatting with the doctor like they're old friends and he's been crying. He frowns a bit, wincing as pain shoots down his spine and looks over at Carlos again. He's been crying too. He wants to ask what happened but his throat doesn't work so he shuts his mouth. He mouths 'water' and his mom squeaks a little and rushes off to get some.

His mom, Katie, Carlos, Logan. Wait, where's-

It all rushes back to him and he groans and hits his head against the pillow and the bed so hard that lights dance behind his eyes and everything goes black. He faintly hears someone screaming (it's hysterical and high pitched and ohmygawd, tell them to shut up!!) before he realizes it's him. Everyone in the room jumps and rushes over to his side. Carlos pats his hand, murmuring, "It's okay, just be careful. Watch your head."

James, he tries to say. James, where is James? I have to tell him I'm sorry, I have to!

"Hey, it's okay, calm down," Logan soothes, pressing his hand against the crook of his shoulder and smoothing his thumb back and forth and Kendall calms down a bit, wills himself to relax. He tries his hardest to use his eyes to plead with Logan, asking where his best friend (and they've been best friends with second grade, they know all each other's secrets (except the biggest one, the one that started this and slowly rips him apart)) and why he's not here, he needs him. He needs James.

"James isn't here," Logan whispers a little sadly and all heads turn towards him. "H-He's really upset. After you passed out, he flagged a car down and got you down here. He's in the waiting room. He won't talk to anyone, just stares at the wall. We're all worried about you two, you know."

"You two were always the one who managed to get in trouble," Carlos adds, smiling at him and Kendall weakly smiles back. "You two always did everything I guess, and you're the biggest pain in the asses ever."

Logan laughs across the room and Carlos glares. "Whatever, you were the one who managed to get your head stuck in the stairs last year. We had to call the fire department and everything."Carlos rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. "Oh, do you really wanna go there? What about the time when we were at your house and you had the brilliant idea to s-"

Logan launches himself at Carlos, slaps his hand over his mouth and mutters, "If you finish that, I'll kill you."

Carlos laughs and Logan makes a disgusted noise. "Ew, that's gross. Don't lick me, you could have some freakish disease."

They roll around on the floor until they end up a tangled mass of limbs on the ground, hair tussled and clothes rumpeled and smiling like crazy. Kendall suddenly misses James with everything he has, thinks about how, like Carlos and Logan, they're best friends and do everything together. His chest feels tight again and he coughs until he feels blood well up in the back of his throat. He suddenly wants to scream again.

"What happened?" he asks finally, voice hoarse and weak.

"You passed out," Katie says, finally speaking up. She pulls at her ponytail, twists it in her fingers and she looks at him like she almost lost him, and maybe she did. "You said that you were feeling bad and you leaned against a pole and James said that you were weak and t-that you got all pale and just crumpled. You hit your head on the concrete and needed four staples in the back of your head and you almost got hit by a car a-and you a-a-a-" she stops there, shoulders shaking and tears in her eyes.

She rushes over to Kendall, throws her arms around him and sobs into his hospital gown, stammering words that he doesn't even begin to try to understand. She lifts her head up and her face is tear-streaked. "D-Don't ever do that again!" she hiccups, sobbing again.

He slowly lifts his arms up, careful of the IV in his arm and slides them around her, pressing his face into her hair just like when she was little and she would come crying because of a nightmare.

"I-I won't," he stutters. He waits until she finishes and kisses her forehead when she finally lifts her head up. She smiles weakly and licks her lips.

She may try to act tough, he thinks, but she's still a scared little girl who lost her dad and doesn't want to lose her brother.

"Where's mom at?" Kendall asks.

"Probably to go check on James," Carlos says, twisting a piece of thread of his jacket around his fingers.

(His mom always acts like she has five kids; Katie, Kendall, James, Logan, and Carlos. She cares about them each like her own kids because she's always wanted a big family and they see her more often then they're own family.)

"How is he?" Kendall asks.

Logan frowns and glances toward the windows, the lighting emphasizing the faded bruises under his eyes and the paleness of his skin. "Rough. We all are."

Kendall closes his mouth and peers out the window, trying to get a glance of James. It's no use. "T-Tell him that I have to talk to him. It's important."

Carlos and Logan exchange a glance and Kendall's heart sinks to his stomach. They know what happened, he thinks to himself, James told them that I'm madly in love with him and now they're to think that I'm a freak and never talk to me again. I ruined this, I messed it up big time (and the irony is not lost on him).

"I don't think that he wants to talk to you," Logan says.

"Why not?" Kendall asks and he's fully aware that he's whining a bit but he can't help it. He wants to make everything better, fix it all and make sure that James is happy again, that's all that matters anymore. It's always about James, it's always been about him.

"He told us what you said," Carlos says gently. His voice is soft and comforting and Kendall panics and jumps underneath his skin for a moment.

"I just needed some room to breathe, that's all. I was trying not to pass out, I promise. I didn't mean anything by it-"

"What are you talking about?" Logan asks, mid-ramble.

"When I told him not to touch me when I was leaning against the pole," Kendall says, hands shaking.

"That's not what we're talking about," Carlos says again in that soft voice and Kendall wants to scream again. He doesn't know what they're saying, he doesn't understand! The world is a jumbled mess and his best friend isn't here, all sad and in a coma-state and it's all his fault and his head hurts and his chest hurts and everything hurts and it's so fucked up.

He starts to cry, clutches the sheets in his hands until he looses all feeling and buries his face in the pillow, careful not to make the lights dance behind his eyes.

"Hey," Carlos says and both him and Logan come over and wrap him in a hug and he cries out his frustrations and anger and fear.

"W-What did I say?" He hiccups into Logan's shoulder.

Logan stiffens and Kendall buries his face in Logan's neck as Carlos draws circles on his back.

"I don't think you want to know, not in this state," Carlos murmurs.

"Please," he whimpers as new tears come to his eyes.

"You said 'I love you' to James before you passed out. Me and Carlos had suspicions but we never really knew…"

Kendall shakes with the force of a tornado and hurricane and he is one, he thinks, destructive and ruining everything and everyone in his path.

"I never meant to say it. I just couldn't take it. It was too much to take; I never meant to hurt him, I promise. I told myself that I would never tell him," he says.

"We know, it's okay. We don't think any less of you," Carlos says. He slowly pulls back, grabs Logan's sleeve of his polo and whispers, "We should let you sleep."

Logan says his goodbye and Kendall settles into the sheets of the bed, alone, terrified and nervous and self-loathing as he slowly passes out.

---

When Kendall finally wakes up, the world is dark and he panics under his too-tight skin and hospital gown. He wants to scream but holds it back; he wishes that he had this amouth of self-control all the time.

You said 'I love you' to James before you passed out. Me and Carlos had suspicions but we never really knew…

No, that's not right, he thinks to himself as he stares a the colors passing against the ceiling; it goes from red and black to a dark shade of orange and blue and back again. I shouldn't have said 'I love you.' That doesn't even begin to cover it.

I love your smile and the way your eyes are drowsy in the morning and you sing at the top of your lungs in the shower. I love the way you bite your lip when you're nervous and can't do public speaking. I love the way that you grin when I compliment you. I love the way that you make me feel when I'm around you, I love the way that make me a better person. I love that your self conscious about how your feet are a little too large for your body. I love you, James Diamond with everything I have. I would do anything in the world for you.

By the time he's finished, his mind is in shambles and there are tears in his eyes. He closes his eyes and watches the nightmare play over and over again; James flirting when Jenny, the confusion in those beautiful brown-green eyes, the way James's face lit up and he had the stupidity to smile at him, the world spinning and that terrified, angry, hurt look on his face that he doesn't think he can ever fix.

He opens his eyes and tries to breathe deeply but he's hyperventilating and he wants James so bad that it physically hurts and he wants to cry, he really does, he can feel the tears brimming underneath his eyelids but he doesn't give himself the pleasure of it.

He has to suffer, he thinks. He hurt the only person he's ever fallen in love with, and he has to suffer.

His chest hurts from trying not to cry but surprisingly, his heart feels lighter. His shoulders don't ache, from keeping that secret bottled up inside his heart and it's finally free. He shouldn't feel better, but he does.

He finally cries.

His shoulders shake and his lungs and chest hurt from not getting enough air, and he cries like the eight-year-old boy who lost his dad.

When he's done, everything aches and he just wants to crawl in a hole and die. He feels awful and in his mind, there is only one word on repeat that's been his whole world since he was a little kid, only he didn't know then. Two syllabes, five words, and his entire world in replay in his brain and he can't turn it off: James, James, James.

---

Hours later, sunlight streams through the windows and Kendall wakes up groggy and disoriented. He doesn't know where he is and looks around faintly. He feels all floaty, and his head doesn't hurt anymore.

James, he thinks. I miss him.

He doesn't notice that anyone's at the door until he hears it squeak and someone murmur, "Damnit."

He laughs a little, confused, his eyes droopy and the world blurry. He swallows hard and thinks of James again.

Why isn't he here? he thinks.

"Who's th-ere?" he sing songs.

The person in the doorway pauses and a voice whispersstutters "James."

His heart flipflops lazily in his chest and he grins. He can feel the love in his chest well up and the world seems brighter. "James, bestest friend. You came!"

He throws his hands in the air and smiles at James. "Come in, it's kinda boring in here. So so so boring. Bo-ring."

James frowns, eyes red and blurry and hair messed up, looking like a wreck. He moves slow, like he's bruised up and he looks incredibly sad. Kendall's heart stalls and he tries to breathe but he can't. Because even though he's a wreck, he's still the most beautiful thing in the world.

James stutters and his face turns scarlet, contrasting against the white world that he's been drowning in. "W-What?"

Kendall frowns. "Whatcha talking about?" he laughs.

James's eyebrows draw together and he chews on his bottom lip, hands twitching against his side. He looks so confused and helpless that it hurts him.

"Are you high?" he finally asks after Kendall had been laughing at nothing in particular.

"Nope, no siree. I feel purty good, actually. I feel like Superman." He laughs again at a joke only he would get.

"I think I better go, come back when you're not in this state."

"No!" Kendall just about yells. He stops himself and sobers up. "No, I mean stay. I missed you."

He didn't mean to say that, but he can't take it back. He can't take anything back and James is looking so lost and confused and sad that he has to say something, make it better. He has to be able to protect him.

"I-I-" James falters, eyes brimming with tears. He shakes his head as his eyes cloud up and Kendall swears that he has never felt so helpless.

"Come here," Kendall says, patting the spot next to him. James falters, and his heart breaks into a million pieces on the hospital room floor, sliding under the rug and underneath the crack in the door, and he knows that he'll never get those pieces back. "Please," he pleads and his voice cracks with raw need and desperation.

James slowly slides off the chair and leans over and sits against the white sheets of the hospital bed. Kendall makes room and he sits down, slowly relaxing. He silently cries against the pale sheets and Kendall wraps him up in his arms, whispering things against his hair.

He never wants to let go, never let go of James. Because if he lets go, he'll lose him forever in the bustle of the city and he'll be left with an empty shell and a ghost of perfection. So he holds on tight, his heart breaking as James cries against his neck, tears slipping down the front of his gown, but he doesn't say anything. His stupid big mouth had done enough; caused this and he wasn't going to hurt James anymore than done already.

"It's okay, it's okay," he whispers, screwing his eyes shut as he holds love and perfection (and hopefully forever) in his shaking arms.

"Why d-didn't you tell me earlier?" he asks, shaking, against his neck.

Kendall is speechless, screwing his eyes tight as tears leak out of his own eyes and slide into the other's hair. "I-I-I-"

"Why?" James asks again.

"I couldn't tell you! Look what happened! I ended up in the hospital and I broke you! Everyone thinks I'm a freak and I've hurt you and I messed up. This was never supposed to come out. I am so so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, you have to believe me, I-"

Kendall stops mid-rant by James's lips crashing into his, messy and uncoordinated and confused and shaking. He grips James's arms desperately, holding on to him like a lifeline, and he swears that if he was any happier he'd explode.

James crushes his lips against his, maybe to tell him to shut up, he doesn't know and honestly doesn't care. He could die right now, here in this hospital bed, and he'd be fine.

Finally, they stop for air. James laughs, body shaking, and he buries his head in Kendall's chest as he asks, "This isn't the drugs is it? Not some fantasy or dream or something? This is real?"

"Yeah," James whispers, mouth inches from his. "This is real."

"I love you," Kendall says, closing his eyes, "I love you so damn much, more than you'll ever know. More than you can ever imagine."

"I think I have an idea," he says, kissing him again.

Kendall stops talking, shuts down his brain, and just lets himself feel.

---

Kendall wakes up to someone screaming. It's high pitched and a little frantic and he jumps, arms clamping down on James, who he's curled around. He lifts his head from where it was buried in James's shoulder, blond hair falling in his eyes. He blinks, confused, until he sees his mom standing in the doorway, hand against her mouth and face pale.

They just stare at each other for a moment before she laughs, holding her chest. "Sorry," she says, jerking her head towards James, who was still sleeping. "I'll let you two have some peace."She shuts the door and Kendall watches as she rushes down the hall and he can hear her voice as she apologizes to someone who she knocked over. He sighs, blows his hair out of his eyes and peers down at James.

He traces his face with his eyes; the curve of his cheekbone, the way his hair feel against the pillow, the slight twitch of his eyelids, the way his mouth would purse every little while. He leans in, presses a kiss against his forehead.

It was suddenly hard to breathe. He can't get enough air in his lungs and he panics. This isn't like when he usually stares at James and his heart kind of stops and his throat closes up; no, this was real. He opens his mouth to scream and nothing comes out. He shakes James as hard as he can, and his eyelids fly open.

James opens his mouth to speak but no words come out when he sees the look on Kendall's face. That peacefulness is replaced by fear-- pure fear, heart stopping, deer-caught-in-the-headlights fear. He shakes, croaking out, "Kendall?"

He thinks that this is ironic, that he thought that hours ago he would die happy. He faintly realizes that he's going to die, so he whispers, "I love you," before he passes out.

---

There's light, everywhere. It's in his eyes and in his brain and there's this stupid buzzing noise. It won't go away and he faintly thinks that if this is Heaven, it sucks.

At least he made it here. He was afraid that he would make it to Hell, for being gay and all and lying and decieving and making an angel cry.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, it stops and he just dissapears.

---

He floats and flies and he can't move or think or see or smell or touch. He just exists, and it's one of the worst things that he can imagine.

James, James, James, James is all he hears and he doesn't know who it is, what it is.

He hears laughing and the sounds of murmuring, one breathless and the other wide and alive. He hears the words I love you, James in his head. This James thing won't leave him alone and he cries in he non-existance whereeverthehellheis.

---

When Kendall Knight wakes up to the antiseptic smell of the hospital, sees white light, and hears people hustling around, he almost cries. But his muscles are stiff and he's frozen with fear, so the most he can do is pray.

Thank God it's over.

James. It's the first thought in the morning and the last thought of the night, and he breaks out in cold sweat. Oh my gawd, James.

Is he okay?

He looks around frantically, not seeing him.

"James?" he calls out.

Everyone in the room stops and peers at him. He feels strange in his new skin, in an awkward stage between catepillar and butterfly.

Suddenly, like a swarm, there's doctors and nurses on him, asking him questions and putting lights into his eyes and checking his temperature. He wants to scream Where is James? but he pretends that if he says one word, then the world'll explode and he'll never see him again. It's not as hard.

"What happened?" he manages to choke out.

"You got a concussion from your fall and you just blacked out. Have you felt any diziness, hear any buzzing noises? Has your eyesight been blurry and do you see bright lights?"

Everything clicks in his brain like a puzzle finding the right pieces and he sighs against the pillow. He answers the questions robotically, and after more poking and prodding, they leave.

It's silent except for the heart monitor he's hooked up to and he stares at the ceilings but the colors are gone; no more green-brown eyes, white teeth, dark chesnut hair, scarlett cheeks, tan skin. All there is is white, and he's drowning, only this time he can breathe shallowly. He doesn't think he'll ever get out, just be stuck in this room and he slowly rots away in the white sheets, alone and afraid and shaking. This is Hell, he thinks, in this stupid fucking white room.

Eventually, he drifts into darkness-- it's not sleep, everything just fades away-- and he's left with his mind and regrets.

---

He sees James in a dark hallway, smiling in his favorite pair of jeans, hair longer than the last time he saw him. He's in a dark blue hoodie and he's barefoot. His eyes are shining in the darkness and Kendall sighs from relief. He feels a giant weight remove from his chest.

"James," he says, allowing himself to smile.

He looks down at himself; he's in jeans and an old Minnesota Vikings sweatshirt. His hair falls in his eyes and he's got on an old, ratty pair of Nikes.

James is still smiling at him.

"James," Kendall says again, and he just smiles at him like nothing's wrong.

Kendall feels something akin to horror well up in his chest as he sees Jenny, the skank from the Chinese resteraunt slink up to him in a short black skirt, heels, and her hair in a ponytail. He hates to admit it, but she looks beautiful.

She slides up to him, puts her arms around him, and kisses him. James's eyes flutter closed and they kiss for a second. Kendall feels tears well up in his eyes as she whispers, "I love you," only she's looking at Kendall as she says this, demonic smile in her eyes. She grins and her teeth shine in the darkness.

"I love you, too," James says.

Suddenly, he can't breathe again, and he feels like he's falling without a net.

The darkness and the lights and the two lovers (and he shudders as he thinks about this) explode like glass. Shards of them fall everywhere, raining down on him, falling into his hair. He can't move, only watches at his world collapses around him.

---

This time, his mind shows him a slideshow. It's him and the guys; Kendall, James, Logan, Carlos.

Images rush by his eyes almost too fast for him to process, and he wishes it did. But, he can see every one of them clearly in his head, hear the noises and the sounds and feel the emotions. It's almost enough to drive him insane. Almost.

He sees him and James when they were little, laughing, scenes of Carlos and Logan and him and James when they used to stay the night when they were little. He sees them in the treehouse in his backyard, listening to the radio and drinking Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper and eating Twinkies, talking about what they were going to do when they were younger. He sees them goofing off in the pool.

He sees every comment him and James have ever made, hours spent on the phone, every look they ever gave each other. He sees the same look in both their eyes; hidden want and masked love, self-hatred and confusion with a tint of lust. He sees them wrestling on the ground, laughing and having the time of their life. Most of all, he sees James's face, the exact way that Kendall stares at him.

How could he have been so stupid to not see it? He felt the same way. James felt the same damn way, and they wasted so much time.

He wasn't going to take this long, he vowed himself. He was going to make it better, do something right for once.

The world shatters again.

---

He wakes up to someone touching his hair, featherlight and his heart lazily jumps in his chest. He opens his eyes and peers around the room.

Shadows fill the gap between the bed and the floor; the ceiling and the windows; the door and the tv. The only light comes from between the cracks in the blinds and it peeks out from underneath the door in a small, thin strip on the floor.

He opens his eyes and lazily blinks around, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the light.

"Who's there?" he whispers quietly, arms aching as he tries to raise himself up. "Hello?"

It's silent except for heavy breathing, and his heart hammers in his rib cage.

He's hit with a scent of cinnamon and hair gel.

Love and longing and lust wash over him in tidal waves and he strains his head up above the water long enough to whisper, "James?"

The door shuts and echoes long after it's closed.

---

After two more days, he's released from the hospital. His mom and Katie are both there to pick him up, carrying a bag of his clothes for him to change into.

He's never been more happy to see him. The last two days have been filled with confusing images, hours of lonliness that even Carlos and Logan couldn't fix, and the faint smell of cinnamon and hair gel that turns his stomach in circles. He was drifting between dreamland and reality, a world-- that everytime he visited, brought him more images and sounds and dreams and haunting looks-- that he couldn't seem to escape. It was miserable.

Kendall envelops his mom in a giant hug, kisses her on the cheek and lifts her off the ground in a giant burst of happiness that erupts from his chest and spills in the air as the form of the beautiful sound of his mother's laugh. She says that she misses him and loves him, kisses him on the forehead.

Katie smiles at him, wide and toothy just like a little kid, and waves a little. She takes his hand and leads him to the bathroom, deciding to stay outside and wait.

He huddles in the stall, looking at the graffitti on the bathroom doors that's slightly amusing. He reads numbers drawn out in sharpies and names with hearts on them.

He slides off his hospital gown (or as Carlos choosed to call it, a dress), sighing. He wiggles on some boxers and an old pair of jeans that are a little big for him. Must have lost weight in the past four days because I know that these fit when I got them, he thinks.

He slides on a red long sleeved t-shirt, struggling to raise his arms over his head. He struggles with his socks and shoes, laughing nervously at himself for his hands shaking so bad to not be able to get the laces tied right.

Finally, after what seems like forever, he steps out of the stall. He glances back at the messy writings decorating the stall, and steps out to where Katie is waiting, tapping her foot and rolling her eyes.

"About time," she says.

"Hey, do you have a marker on you by any chance?"

"Why?" she asks as her eyebrows furrow.

"I just…need it for something. Please?"

"Hold on." She fumbles around in her purse before handing him a generic brand Sharpie and looks at him oddly.

He walks back into the stall, leans his arm against the door to keep it steady and writes K.K. + J.D. He adds a heart around it and writes I love you, James. Forever.

He walks back out with a huge smile on his face, hands the marker back to Katie, who gives him a look like he's insane, and walks into the sunshine of the day.

---

He slides into the apartment and immediately heads towards the couch. He didn't realize how tired he was until he actually set foot in his home and exhaustion set into his bones at the thought of being able to sleep without d-drowning in white sheets and flooring and the nurses chatter outside the door.

He throws his bag to the ground, shuts his eyes and falls asleep.

---

For the first time in four days, he sleeps without dreaming of flashbacks or nightmares. It's peaceful, floating in darkness.

---

He wakes up when the sun filters through the blinds and his back aches a little, but it's nothing too unbearable.

He stands up, wipes at his eyes, and goes to brush his teeth and comb his hair. The house is silent, the peaceful sound of sleeping.

His room is next to James', who is next to the bathroom. Carlos and Logan's room are on the opposite side of the hall.

He comes out of the bathroom, running his tongue over the inside of his teeth, and stops by James's door. He opens the door and peers inside. All he can see is a stretch of light against the wall, a nightlight that he had used since he was seven. It was so he didn't fall and hit his head in the darkness when he was trying to go to the bathroom (he was clumsy and ditzy and uncoordinated when he was sleepy).

He whispers, "James," oh-so-softly, hears a bit of a snore in response. He frowns, heading farther into the room.

He trips on an abandoned tennis shoe in the floor and stumbles over about seven bandanas and something that he's hoping is a t-shirt.

Kendall finally makes it to the end of the bed, sits down, and taps James's shoulder.

"James?" he whispers.

No response, so he shakes him a little. The world spins around him in a fuzzy kind of way and he screws his eyes shut and counts to twenty until it's gone. He's not going to pass out with James near again, he refuses to see that terrified look on that beautiful face any longer. "James."

Finally, he sighs, presses his fingers against the crick between James's neck and shoulder and feels him shudder against him. Kendall wills himself to control himself, not to give in to his horomones. He can control this, he can.

James wakes up and looks around the room, blinking confused. "Wha-" he stops, eyes wide. "Kendall," he breathes out.

Kendall shudders in the darkness of the room, tries to slow down his wildly beating heart. He's been waiting years for this moment, he won't let himself ruin it.

"I have to ask you a question," he says and his voice trembles pathetically. "I need to know."

James sits up and Kendall can see the white of his eyes in the darkness. He smells like cinnamon and hair gel and something just James Diamond. He has a sudden flash of the hospital room, lingers of it along with heavy breathing and phantoms of shadows in the dark.

"What?" he asks, yawning.

"Remember what I told you, when we were coming back from the Chinese restaurant?"

"What, that we should get Logan to be our chauffeur?"

"What? No. Not that," he shakes his head. "Before I passed out. Do you remember what I said?"

"T-That you loved me," James says and there's such vulnerability in his voice and fear and confusion. Kendall wants to hold him in his arms and never let go, but James has to be willing to let him. He has to give him the chance. That's all he's asking is a chance, an opportunity to be all he needs.

"Yes. I need to know. Do you feel the same? If you don't, then I'll never bring this up again, I promise. I need to know."

James's lower lip quivers in the darkness and sunlight is beginning to stream through the curtains and make horizontal lines on his face. He breathes out one syllable, three letters, and Kendall feels like he can fly. "Yes."

Kendall's heart speeds up twice as fast and he wants to cry at what this means, the opportunites this could lead to. He's been waiting years for this, and now it's finally come true, it's finally happening. This means-

"But I can't," James says sadly.

"W-What? What do you mean 'you can't?' What does that mean?" Kendall says, and he knows that he sounds hysterical but he can't help it.

"I-I can't be what you want, what you need. I just can't. I'm sorry."

He's joking, Kendall thinks. There's no way this can be happening. No way in hell. He sat through the hospital wait and the memories and the lonliness but the universe can't raise him up like that, give him everything he wants and take it back just as fast. It can't.

"What? I don't understand-"

"I love you," James says fiercely. "But not in that way. I'm sorry."

Kendall's breath stops in his chest and he squeezes his eyes shut, wills himself not to cry. "N-No, you just need time to think."

"No, I know. I'm really sorry." James puts his hand on Kendall's arm.

Kendall jerks the touch away and tries to pretend that it doesn't send sparks up his spine. "Don't touch me."

He knows that he's being unreasonable and mean, but he can't help it. He just had everything ripped from him and they can't go back to normal like this, they just can't. It won't work.

He leaps off the bed, storms out of the room and slams the door. The house rattles. He grabs his jacket and his wallet and keys off the table and heads outside, hitting the ground and running.

Inside, James buries his head in his pillow and cries.

---

Kendall cuts down corners and jumps over the fences of people's backyards and runs through forests until there's sweat pouring on him so hard that he can't see. His lungs are on fire and he still wants to cry but he takes deep gulps of air until the world starts to stay upright.

The sweat runs into his eyes and messes with his contacts. He puts his hands on his knees and lays down on the ground. Sunlight hits his hot skin and he feels like he's melting, but it's a nice contrast from the feeling of drowning. He doesn't know which one he would prefer, though.

He stares at the sky and feels waves of anger and helplessness and confusion and hatred and self-pity, but most of all, love. Even when James outright rejected him and tore his heart in half, he couldn't hate him. He couldn't stop loving him.

I hate the world, he thinks. It sucks and the universe hates me and loves to play games. I know that I sound emo, or even like a teenage girl, but I don't care. Why can't things go right just once? Why?

Finally, the waves of emotion pass and he's left just feeling empty.

He picks himself up, dusts himself off, and heads back to the apartment.

---

When he gets back, the sun hangs low in the sky. His feet hurt and he's sunburned and he just wants to go crawl in a hole in die. But things are never that simple for Kendall Knight.

The first thing he sees when he opens the door is James, sitting on the couch in sweat pants and his Minnesota Vikings sweatshirt-- the image makes him pissed off and a little possessive all at once and he flashes back to his dream-thing and shudders as the air conditioner kicks on-- biting his nails.

Their eyes meet for a second and James's cheeks flush scarlett. "Can I talk to you? Please?"

Kendall knows that he should ignore him or say no, anything to keep the wall around him that he's constructed since running off that morning hold steady and not crumble in a million pieces. If he says no, his heart can't break anymore.

But he ignores his head and says, "Sure."

They don't move for a few seconds. The awkwardness in the air is almost tangable and Kendall clears his throat. He slides off his shoes and kicks them in a corner. His shirt is sticking to him uncomfortably so he pulls it off and throws it to the ground, standing in just his jeans and socks. He wrestles off his socks and shoves them in his shoes and tries not to notice the way that James's cheeks flush dark red.

He sits on the opposite end of the couch and a staring match ensures. "What did you want to talk about?"James coughs and looks at his hands, face flaming, and Kendall is suddenly shocked at how shy and unlike the James he knows and loves (and he winces a little at the word) is.

"What I said earlier," James says, pretending not to notice the way Kendall flinches at the memory, "I'm sorry."

Kendall doesn't say anything and focuses his eyes on a piece of wall behind James's head. He pretends that he's somewhere else but it doesn't work for very long. The silence is starting to get to him, but he refuses to say the first word. James has to fix this.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I panicked and I-I-"

Kendall looks up and sees tears brimming in those green-brown eyes that he knows so well. But he still refuses to be the one to give in.

"I freaked out. Look, the first time you told me, I didn't want to believe it. I thought that you were just mumbling nonsense or maybe it was from the fall or something. I…" James takes a deep breath and continues. "I couldn't imagine that you were in love with me. I always thought that you were straight. It was kind of a shock. But then I got to thinking and it kind of made sense.

"And then, I was kind of sure, and I went to see you in the hospital room and then we k-kissed and fell asleep and it felt good. No, great. Like it was supposed to happen." Now James looks at Kendall straight in the eyes, tears brimming and clinging stubbornly to his eyelashes.

"And then your mom came in and I panicked. I thought of how everyone would think of us, about what Carlos and Logan would say. Turns out they already knew." He laughs sadly and closes his eyes for a long time.

Kendall can feel his heart pounding in his rib cage and he's sweating and shivering at the same time, still in just his jeans.

Finally, James opens his eyes and looks at him. "And then, you passed out in the hospital. You were fine until you started f-falling for me. Look where that ended you. In the hospital. I'm going to hurt you, and I know it. I thought that if I denied it, you could find someone else who wouldn't destroy you like I knew I would.

"But then I saw your face when I told you and you looked awful, like you were ready to kill me and yourself. I guess that I was wrong." James pauses and looks up at him with pleading eyes. "Forgive me? Please? I know that it won't make things better, I know. But please, let me try to make it better. I'll try, I know I will. I want to make this work."

Kendall stares at him for a long time, mind going light speed. He doesn't know what to do, so he lets his heart do what it wants.

He leans in, grabs James by the back of the neck, and kisses him as hard as he can.

---

Kendall lies in his room, surrounded by clothes and everything familiar. James and him are both in just jeans, with James's head on his chest. He can feel their hearts beating as one and it brings a stupid smile on his face.

James's arms are around him and he knows that if he never moves, he'll be perfectly content for the rest of his life.

He hears a door close in the background and him and James both hop off the bed-- a little grudgingly-- and slide on a t-shirt off the ground.

Kendall smiles as he sees James in one of his t-shirts, gives him a quick kiss, and they both head to the door.

Carlos and Logan are standing in the doorway, both drenched from head to toe in water. They're both soaking on the carpet and grinning like crazy.

"Do I even want to-"

"No!" Carlos and Logan yell.

"-know?" James finishes.

"What happened?" Kendall asks.

"Hey, you're home!" Carlos says, bounces over to him and gives him a hug, laughing.

"Uh, dude?" he asks.

"Yeah?" Carlos asks, still holding onto him.

"You're kinda wet."

"Oh." The whole room laughs and Kendall grins so big that his face is going to split in half, he knows. But he can't help it.

He holds this memory in his head and locks up in a little room where he can keep it forever, pull it out when things get hard. He's gotten this far and everything is perfect. He knows that it's going to get worse, much worse, and he doesn't even try to tell himself otherwise.

He knows what lying gets you; in the hospital, watching the colors dance on the ceiling as you are forced to relive everything single thing that you'd rather not; see the world from a different set of eyes.

You go to different worlds and watch everything taken from you. It's awful, his Hell. It started off with a little (non-white) lie, too.

"Hey, you okay?" Carlos asks, waving his hand in front of him.

Kendall nods, licks his lips and responds with a shaky voice, "Yeah. I'm just gonna step outside for a while."

By the time he says this, he's closing the door. He rests against the wood for a second and hears questions that he doesn't want to-- or even know how to being to-- answer. He kicks off the wood, shoves his hands in his pocket, and rushes down the stairs like he's fire and he destroys everything in his path.

---

This is almost like the time in the hospital, times that he would rather not think about.

He's laying on top of the roof of the apartment, hands planted behind him. He had forgot to grab his socks and shoes from inside, so his barefeet dangle over the edge and he stares ahead as the sun slowly hides from the building and the faint trees. The streetlights are just beginning to come on, and the nocturnal world is starting to wake as the rest of them go to sleep, buried in their beds as the sun buries itself in the horizon.

There are colors in the sky; dark blue and indigos, blood reds and lazy oranges, vibrant yellows and fading pinks and light purples. There are still the most important colors missing, he thinks, as he blows his hair out of his eyes. Dark brown chestnut hair, hazel eyes, scarlett cheeks, tan skin, white teeth, faint brown freckles on the end of his nose, still-there scars and fading bruises.

The sunset has nothing on James Diamond, he realizes.

Clouds slowly drift across the edge of the sky, appearing from nowhere to join the explosions of rainbows. Light grey; darker grey; cotton-white and the color of rain on the sidewalk.

There's no hushsilent white of the snow though. It drowns everything out and quiets it, making everything a low whisper instead of loud roar. It makes everything simpler, brings people together as they're isolated from the rest of the world.

But Los Angeles, LA is so loud with people to meet and places to see and crowds to get lost in if you don't keep your eyes open wide all the time, he thinks. You have to keep your family and friends closer, closer than even before so they don't drift away in the midst of the activity, find the wrong people to hang out with.

It's such a dangerous place. He doesn't know why anyone would come here.

But then, times like now, when the world is almost silent (--LA is never completely silent, but it gets close sometimes--) and he can see streetlights and buildings and the barely-hustle of cars and the fading greens of forests, he can understand a bit.

He slowly stares at the sky until the stars come out from their hiding places amongst the clouds, greet him with shy smiles as they hover close to the moon, never too far away.

This part reminds him of Minnesota, sitting outside in the summer time and staring at the stars. Only, he's on a hotel roof and it's March, but other than that, it's the same. He takes a tiny bit of comfort in that.

"Hey," he hears next to him. He lazily extends his head and smiles a bit when he sees Logan.

"Hey," Kendall whispers in reply, finally laying back and tucking his hands under his head. The lights are on full blast now and he can see smears of light and the bustle of movement and it's almost like he's God, staring down at the city from far above, seeing everything and anything yet nothing all at once.

"How are you?" Logan asks, resting his hands on his stomach.

There are endless and infinite and no answers to that question, so he just shrugs his shoulders and stares at the blank expanse of the world.

"It was hell finding you," he says after a minute, rising up on his elbows. He stares at Kendall, eyebrows drawn low and nose scrunched up. Kendall resists the urge to laugh.

"How did you finally find me?" he asks.

"Tracking device in your cell phone," Logan answers.

Kendall frowns, digs around in his pocket and pulls out his phone. '14 Missed Calls' flashes on the screen and when he goes to his inbox, he sees 12 new text messages. "I didn't know I had this on me," he admits sheepishly. "It was on silent, sorry."

Logan shrugs with one shoulder and says, "'s okay."

"How did you…" Kendall starts, trailing off. He slowly builds up the nerve to ask and forces the question out of his mind and through his lips. "How did you guys know?"

"Know what?" Logan asks.

Kendall flinches. He really doesn't want to ask but it seems like he's going to have to so he takes a deep breath and mumbles out, "How did you know that I was in love with James?"

Logan's eyes are far away and spacey, and Kendall's kind of afraid to disrupt him. "We… it was kind of obvious, y'know? It was just the way you would look at him and the way you acted. We kind of had a hunch, but we didn't way to say anything in case we were wrong. I don't think James ever suspected, though, before you told him."

"You were right," he blurts out.

"Right about what?" Logan asks.

Kendall takes a deep breath. "About me falling for James. It… I started realizing it in seventh grade when the whole awkward pubery thing started. I tried to tell myself that I was wrong, there was no way that I could be- swing that way. So I went out with every girl I could to prove myself wrong."

Logan smiles and his teeth shine in the dark, the smile that makes the girls go crazy. "Yeah, we all remember that stage. We thought that you were a horny man ho."

Kendall laughs, low and soft. "You couldn't have been more off."

"Did it…work?"

Kendall smiles. "No, no it didn't. It failed miserably. Everytime something went wrong or I kept seeing James's face in my mind when I was with them, I tried even harder to prove myself wrong. I was kind of falling apart."

"Yeah, then we staged the whole intervention thing."

Kendall shudders lightly and Logan laughs again. He thinks back to that day and can't help the weak smile from forming on his lips.

The 'intervention' was that one day they sat him down on the couch, letters from all the girls and photos and names. They were all a blur, and with horror, he realized that he didn't know some of them. But they all told of how he broke their heart, and that brought him back. It ended with him shaking, promising that he'd never do it again, and the guys around him, telling him it was alright and hugging him.

"I kept… trying to deny it, but everytime I did, it just got stronger. Everyday that I kept the secret to myself, it tore a piece out of me. I hated feeling like I was living a lie," Kendall says.

Logan is silent for a minute, staring at the city beneath them, the glowing lights reflecting on his face before he turns to Kendall, tells him, "I'm tired of living a lie," and kisses him.

Kendall feels his eyes bug out of his head and he doesn't know what to do, just sits there frozen while he feels Logan's lips against his. He imagines James's face in his head, hurt, as he tells him not to touch him.

Finally, after a few seconds, Logan pulls back and stares at him in something akin to horror. "I-I'm sorry, I d-didn't- I-" he stutters, eyes wide and terrified.

He finally gets the control back of his body and moves slightly and shakes as he sees Logan flinch automatically. He thinks back to when he confessed to James in the hospital room, expecting to get hit and yelled at. He wants so desperately to yell at him for doing that, but he contains himself. Kendall doesn't want Logan to get hurt, not when he was in that exact same situation a few days ago.

"What was that?" he asks slowly.

Logan turns away, face rose with humiliation. "I just-"

Kendall stays quiet, waiting for a response. When he doesn't get one, he asks, "What happened just then?"

He draws his knees up to his chest, arms wrapping around them, and he looks like a little lost, child, scared and frightened. "I've wanted to do that since last year a-and I was jealous. Of James, for the way that you kept looking at him. I wanted to make sure that you didn't feel the same. Obviously, you didn't. B-But I just wanted to be positive. It's horrible wasting time on someone who you know doesn't feel the say way, you know?"

Kendall sighs, grabs Logan's sleeve and pulls him close. "Yeah, I know. It's awful, but sometimes, you have to move on."

"Make sure he takes care of you, James I mean. He's lucky to have you. Tell him he better not ruin it," Logan says.

Kendall laughs and nods his head, even though he can't see him. "I'll tell him, but trust me, I'm lucky to have him."

Overhead, the stars smile down at them.

---

When Kendall slides back into the house, freezing, it's past midnight and the house is dead asleep except for one.

James is on the couch, head on the edge of the couch and curled up, sleeping quietly. The sound of steady breathing was the only sound in the room. The television was on, light reflecting on his pale face.

Kendall heads over, looking amusingly at the episode of Hannah Motana that was playing on mute, shuts off the tv and heads over to James.

He stirs as he sits on the edge of the couch. James sits up, hair plastered to his head and eyes sleepy and a little confused.

"Hey," he says, sleepy, rubbing at his eyes.

"Why are you laying on the couch?" Kendall asks, smiling.

"I was waiting for you," James says, mid-yawn.

It was a simple sentence but it takes Kendall's heart flying high and he grins stupidly. This is what he waited years for, something he had but wanted more of. Wanted all of.

"Well, I'm here. Let's go to sleep."

"Mine or yours?"

"Either is fine," Kendall says.

"Mine it is then."

Kendall laughs as James trips over an abandoned backpack lying in the hallways, stumbling. He takes James by the elbows and leads him down the hall.

"Why your room?"

"'Cause it's cooler."

"Oh," Kendall says, shaking his head and laughing.

They slide into the room, bumping into things and laughing a bit, muting their happiness because of the thin walls. (Logan had left ten minutes after the kiss with an awkward goodbye and longing eyes.) They could hear Carlos snoring and Logan talking in his sleep, mumbling and unaware of his surroundings.

They tumble into bed, holding each other. They barely get under the covers before James is drifting off again.

"Logan kissed me," Kendall says, not aware that he said it outloud until James says, "What?!"

"On the roof, I told him that I was tired of living a lie, so he said that he was too, and then he kissed me."

"Did you… did you kiss him back?" James asks, quiet and unsure.

"No, of course not. I just kind of sat there, too shocked to move. He said that you better not hurt me because you have an amazing guy."

"What'd you say?" James asks, finding his hand under the covers and squeezing it.

"That I was the lucky one."

"Sap," James says, a smile in his voice. His eyes are closed and he brings Kendall's hand up to his mouth to press a kiss against the back of his palm.

"You love it," he answers.

"I do, I do. Oh, and tell Logan that if he ever kisses you again, I'll punch him in the face. You're mine."

"Ooh," Kendall teases. "Possessive much? I like it. Is that the only reason though, because I belong to you?"

"No, not the only reason. I love you."

He smiles, too happy for words. "I love you too, James. You have no idea how long I've wanted to say that."

"I know. I told you, no one can resist the hair. Or my ass, no one can resist that either. You can't, obviously."

Kendall groans and he can feel James smile against his chest. "Are we seriously talking about this?"

"What? You don't like my ass?"

"…I'm not answering that question," he announces.

James pouts, gives him a not-so-PG kiss and asks, "Why not?"

"Because, these walls are thin and I don't want to scar Carlos and Logan."

"Thank you for thinking of my innocence!" They hear Carlos yell.

"You liar! You have no innocence!" James yells back and Kendall laughs.

"You're one to talk. I hear you talking about your ass over there."

"It could be worse," James tells him. "We could be doing things that'll make you wanna gouge out your eyes." He makes obscene noises and Kendall's eyes go wide, shocked. Those noises go straight down to… somewhere. He wills himself to calm down, not take this too far.

Something hits the wall a 'thump' and James asks, "What was that? Did you fall off your bunk bed?"

"No, that was me hitting my head on the wall! Make it stop! Oh, and I'm on the bottom bunk, thank you very much."

James rolls his eyes and pouts as Logan yells, "Shut up and go to sleep already."

"God, you guys are a handful sometimes, I swear."

"You love me anyway," James tells him, wrapping him up in his arms.

"I do," Kendall tells him, kissing him on the top of the head.

It's silent, and he drifts off into oblivion, happier than ever before.

---

"This is not one thing I missed while I was in the hospital," Kendall announces, laying on the floor while spots dance behind his eyelids.

"You have five minutes left. FIVE MINUTES!" Gustavo announces, rollling his eyes as he stares at the boys who are all lying on the floor with their limbs sprawled out in painful-looking angles.

"Is it possible for this bone to hurt?" Carlos asks.

"There's not even a bone there!" Logan tells him, laughing.

"Whatever, it still hurts, whatever it is."

"I don't even know what that is. I don't think that's normal."

"Know what? Your face isn't normal," Carlos announces.

"Oh, your face jokes? Seriously? Grow up!"

"Your mom needs to grow up."

"Oh, it's on," Logan says, and then there's the sound of fighting, hair pulling, and punching and deep breathing and laughing and Kendall smiles at the sound. It's nice to have everyone back together, just being themselves and hanging out.

"Five minutes is up! Dogs, get up. Time to get back to work."

They all groan and head to the recording sessions, where James and Kendall will hold hands where no one will see, Logan and Carlos will pretend not to notice, and Gustavo Rocque will roll his eyes because all these boy bands are the same-- nice looking young men with cute smiles who always end up gay.

---

They're at the Chinese resteraunt where this all started-- the hospital visit, the tears and fighting and heartbreak and eventually, returned love-- and Carlos and Logan are outside, hoods pulled up as they have an argument involving skinny dipping and chocolate whipped cream (Kendall doesn't really know and doesn't ask, the last argument involved banjos playing, Japanese men, dolphins, and high heels and he got seven stiches trying to get in the middle of it).

Kendall and James are paying for the bill and James is once again flirting with Jenny, the skank waitress and he smiles as he gets an idea. She keeps her shirt down low, writes her number on the back of James hands, and smiles and giggles like a school girl. He half expects her to start barking and wagging her tail.

He pays for the bill and he makes sure that Jenny's eyes are on him as they walk outside. It's quiet, a secluded part of the neighborhood and Logan and Carlos are a block away now and he can hear their muffled shouting. He turns around to see Jenny looking with a dreamy look at James and smiles.

Kendall grabs James by the hand, wraps him up in his arms, and gives him a kiss in the middle of the street, for the whole world to see, damn the consquences. He can feel surprise in the way James's lips immediately part under his and he plunges his tongue into James's mouth. He hears a quiet gasp and lets go for air, wrapping James up in his arms. He turns back towards the door and sees Jenny looking at him with hatred burning in her eyes and jealousy tinting her eyes green (and a little bit of fascination, she's probably a faghag, but he ignores that). He presses a kiss to the side of James's head, smiles at Jenny, and twines their hands together.

"What was that about?" James asks, out of breath but smiling.

"Oh, nothing," he says, stepping into the sunlight. His chest is wide open, he's no longer drowning in white but instead, he's drowning James's brown-green eyes, and there is no where in the world that he'd rather be.

He looks down, sees that his larger hand is completely covering up the girly scrawl of Jenny's number and smiles. He finally won, and got the main prize: love.

"No more lying," he mumbles.

"Huh?" James asks, looking at him strangely, a smile on his face.

"Nothing," he repeats. "Absolutely nothing."

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an: I'm sorry for the last line being absolutely fail, but this has taken up about fifteen hours of my life, many hours of sleep, and I know that if I rewrite the last line, I'll never be happy and this'll keep building until it drives me insane.

Please review, lovelies.

Oh, the title of the story comes from the song 'Broadway is Dark Tonight' by the Goo Goo Dolls.

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