DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Sherlock Holmes: London's famous detective. He is extremely intelligent, extremely eccentric and extremely unhygienic.
Mrs Hudson: 221b Baker Street's landlady. She also makes wonderful tea, so I've heard.
Inspector Lestrade: One of Scotland Yard's best detectives. Not as smart as Holmes, but don't tell him I said that.
Cardinal Ximenez: Spanish Inquisition member; the natural leader of the group, known for his confusing babble and high pitched voice.
Cardinal Biggles: Spanish Inquisition member; Wears an aviator hat and goggles.
Cardinal Fang: Spanish Inquisition member; charge reader with a confusing accent.
221b Baker Street, London
FADE IN
Holmes sits in his room, clutching and playing his un-tuned violin as he stares into space. Watson would sit opposite him, but I didn't feel like writing him in. Not that I disapproved of Law's interpretation, I quite liked him but the moustache was really-
FANS: Get on with it!
... Anyway, Mrs Hudson, his faithful landlady enters holding a tray with the necessary tea set and biscuits.
HUDSON: Tea, Mr Holmes. Inspector Lestrade is waiting outside, shall I send him in?
The detective tosses his violin on the floor, whips out a pipe from his pocket (*Giggles*) and lights it, as the landlady sets down the tray on the biggest available table space.
HUDSON: I shall take that as a yes.
She opens the door; Inspector Lestrade enters, holding a newspaper.
LESTRADE: Holmes.
Lestrade chucks the newspaper into Holmes' lap, which he briefly glances at before pulling a "why-don't-you-tell-me-what-you-need-me-for" face.
LESTRADE: A girl was found rolling around on a rooftop, rolled up in 4 layers of string. She's currently suffering from amnesia, due to being injected with an extreme sedative. We need you to help us on this.
Holmes bursts out laughing from hearing the 'crime', but coughs, recomposing himself.
HOLMES: Ahem... I see. Well, Lestrade, this is clearly someone's idea of a joke. I do not see the reason as to why I should be involved in something as petty as that.
Lestrade groans in annoyance, as Holmes chuckles on. I also laugh at how rubbish a crime I could think up for even a parody/humour fan-fiction.
LESTRADE: Holmes, please. I thought you were serious about your job!
HOLMES: I am, Lestrade. And I thought you were too. I wasn't expecting some sort of Spanish Inquisition.
A jarring music chord is heard in the fore-ground as three red dressed men run through the door and halt in front of Holmes and Lestrade.
XIMENEZ: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
LESTRADE: Who in blazes are you three??
The detective takes the pipe out of his mouth.
HOLMES: I believe they are the Spanish Inquisition, Lestrade. Note their red costumes, the cross around their necks. Also, note the lewd 'torture' devices hidden behind the two supporting Cardinals.
XIMENEZ: How did you know we were Cardinals?? NO-ONE BUT WE AND THE INQUISITION KNOW WE ARE CARDINALS!
HOLMES: The author of this terrible work forgot to delete the dramatis personae off our scripts, I think you'll find.
Gee, thanks. The Cardinals and Lestrade pull out a script from their pockets.
FANG: Ai du not haf a confuuuzin accent!
LESTRADE: The author forgot to remove the 'not as smart as Holmes' too.
HOLMES: Sadly that is true-
XIMENEZ: ENOUGH!! Our chief weaponry is surprise, surprise and fear! No! Our TWO weapons are surprise, fear and ruthless effici- NO! Our THREE weapons are surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency and our fanatical devotion to the Pope... Oh! Let us start again!
They run out of the room and close the door. Lestrade and Holmes look at each other; the latter still laughing at this eventful afternoon. His mind ticks away at the many ways of irritating these three men, rather than the opposite.
HOLMES: Well I wasn't expecting some sort of Spanish Inquisition.
The jarring chord reappears as the Cardinals re-enter.
XIMENEZ: Hah! NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
HOLMES: I think you will find we did, Cardinal. Because you asked if you could repeat this process just a few moments ago, leaving for us to discern you'd come storming into my abode again.
XIMENEZ: Well I... I...
Ximenez turns around to Biggles and Fang.
CAPTION – INCOHERENT WHISPERING
BIGGLES: You dare... er... defy Ximenez and his unexpected arrival?
HOLMES: Yes.
Biggles turns around back to the Cardinals.
CAPTION – DISCUSSING THE MIGRATION OF COCONUTS
Fang pulls out a manuscript and recites in his funny but confusing accent.
FANG: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church! "My old man said follow the—"
XIMENEZ: QUIET FANG! Now, bring out... the terrifying torture device!
A 'dun dun dun' drum beat in the background as Biggles holds out a roll of string.
LESTRADE: So you were the idiots who attacked that girl last night!
BIGGLES: She... er... um...
XIMENEZ: SHE LOOKED AT US FUNNY! That is a crime against our Inquisition! Biggles, roll the bowler hat man in the terrifying torture device!
Biggles runs around Lestrade and tying him up in the feeble string. Holmes picks up his violin and plucks randomly, as he observes the completely different situation. Ximenez gasps.
XIMENEZ: AND WHAT IS THAT??
HOLMES: Why, it's a vi-
The Cardinals scream in terror at the forbidden word.
XIMENEZ: Don't say that word! A blasphemy!
HOLMES: Oh? What is it?
They scream again.
XIMENEZ: NO SHUT UP!
HOLMES: I can't really shut up if I don't know what the word is, it's funny isn't it??
XIMENEZ: NO! MEN, SURRENDER POSITIONS!
Leaving Lestrade half tangled in string, the three Cardinals jump through the window, leaving a human shape in the broken glass. Holmes looks out, and shakes his head, sitting back down in his scruffy armchair, legs over the side as he plucks at the violin, pipe in mouth again.
HOLMES: Well Lestrade, I've solved your mystery in less than 5 minutes. All's well that ends well.
CAPTION – SILENCE
FADE OUT