A/N: This is a song fic inspired by Stabbing Westward's "Waking Up Beside You" from their Darkest Days album. Written in a couple of hours and unbeta'd, so please forgive any mistakes. If you want to hear the song, you can find it here, .com/popup/504684702197037246.

I've been so alone for so long

Forgotten by the world, forgotten to myself

I have been alone most of my life. My father wanted as little to do with me as possible. My mother loved me in her own way, but always insisted my father was a good and just man and was to be obeyed at all times. When I finally escaped to college, I quickly discovered that my so-called peers were boring and I refused to waste any time on them. The same proved true in my career until a certain conference in New Orleans, where I found you – the one person I found interesting enough to call a friend. Then Stacy came along and I thought I'd finally found the woman who would be with me forever. But the infarction struck, and I lashed out at anyone who dared to get close, driving her away. I assumed everyone else would follow and was ready to concede that I would be lonely for the rest of my life. But you…

Your effervescent eyes have awakened me

And brushed the dust away

You stayed with me, through the height of my pain; the yelled insults and undeserved anger thrown in your direction rolling off your back without leaving so much as a mark. Something about the ever-present patience and genuine concern in your brown eyes brought me out of my despair. They twinkled with amusement at my antics, scolded me when I crossed the line, and warmed my heart whenever I started to feel cold and alone.

But I knew you'd never stay.

Why would you? No one else ever had.

So I memorized the color of your eyes

As I lost myself inside you

Those warm brown eyes… I could stare at them for days and not tire of them. That first night we made love you held my gaze the whole time, letting me bathe in the warmth of your eyes as I discovered pleasure like I'd never known.

I memorized the way our legs entwined

As I drifted off beside you

We were like a two piece jigsaw puzzle, cut perfectly to meld together. The way you wrapped your legs in mine, oh so careful of my damaged limb, while you cradled me to you. I may have hidden the vulnerability and insecurity from the rest of the world, but you always saw right through it. I treasured lying in your arms, letting go of my fears and drifting off to sleep to the comforting sound of your steady heartbeat.

I miss, God I miss waking up beside you

But even the strongest hearts in the world eventually fail.

At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid

Afraid the day will come

And I'll wake and find you gone

When the diagnosis came, it shook us both to the core. It damn near took an act of congress to keep me away from you at work, but you insisted our lives should go on as normal for as long as possible. But at home you humored me, letting me hover while you cooked, washed the dishes and watched television. You even rewarded me with your beautiful smile when I managed to issue the occasional snarky comment that had once been my norm.

But you promise that you'd not abandon me

And kissed my fears away…

At night you invited me into your arms, holding me as you ran your fingers through my hair and dropped kisses all along my face and neck. You'd place a hand over my heart and promise me you would always be with me.

But I woke up to that day

I almost died that morning.

But I had memorized the way our eyes would meet

Reflected in the bathroom mirror

And I memorized your naked silhouette

As you slowly brushed your hair

I know I used to tease you about the amount of time you spent primping in the bathroom, but things changed after we became lovers. I would find myself getting up long before I needed to just so I could watch you in the mirror, something I suspect you enjoyed, too. You would move straight from the shower to the bathroom sink, little rivulets of water running down luxurious, bare skin as you tamed your wild, wet mane into place. If I looked up at the right time, I could catch you winking smugly at my reflection. I made sure to burn those images into my brain.

I miss, God I miss waking up beside you

I've been so alone for so long

I forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone

It hurts even worse than the pain from my infarction, unable to be dulled by anything the medical field has discovered.

But I'd memorized how warm your body felt

As you lay half asleep beside me

You were always warm near the end, your fever robbing us of the time we had left together. Some days it was all you could do to open your eyes, much less hug me back as I crushed you to me, silently begging you not to leave me.

And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room

And played upon your body

When we first started sleeping together, I loved the healthy glow the sun gave to your fair skin. The way it framed your body, casting shadows that accentuated your cheekbones and highlighting your chest and legs as if to remind me of just how perfect you were. But the last few days all the sun did was shine a harsh light on your emaciated frame, illuminating the irony of an oncologist dying of cancer.

I miss, God I miss waking up beside you

It's been a year, James. An entire year that I've survived, if you can call it that. Today will be the first time I've visited your grave, and guess what, Jimmy? I'm bringing a whole bottle of Vicodin with me and I have just one thought on my mind…

If I go to sleep for good, it means that I'll never again miss waking up beside you.

~end~