REINCARNATION

"Not at every problem, ones need other that can help them fix all the trouble;

There are time when ones just need other that will only listening without saying a word" –Syen Lee

I stay still on Allen's head keep on listening everything he says.

"You know, Tim. I enjoy talking to you because you're always in silence, even sometime I feel bored because it seems that I'm just talking to the wind. But, still, it's nice be with you…"

I don't know when or where I heard it; maybe it was just too long that I don't remember anymore. But it doesn't really matter when or where, does it?

It is said that anything that exists will be lost someday. But lost doesn't mean that it will be no longer exist, because for one reason everything means existence. When anything is lost, it never goes away so far, it just transforms into others.

Hey, if it is so, when I disappear someday I will be reborn, right?

And when the time comes, will God grant my wish?

Longer than what I could remember, at that time, I was still staring my master with question all over. I had bad feeling about everything, about what would happen.

Well, people know what happened back there.

My master called Allen and told him that he would go to HQ, he even let me accompanied him. But that was not all, the truth is…

"I guess I've bring too many annoying things with me, so I will have to throw away some of them," said my master after he'd put us around.

Horror atmosphere was felt all over suddenly.

"Th… throw away?" asked Allen bluntly.

"Yeah! I will throw away some of you," he made his point. Then my master walked around the room, glared at his innocence, Grave of Maria, before he continued, "there's no way I'll throw away Maria. So the choice will be fall between the three of you." He pointed his finger at me, Allen, and the other…

"Nee… Shishou, why does it have to be me?" Allen had his bad feeling, "why not throwing away those useless things of yours?"

"Such as?"

"That weird hat?! Or that mask, or that exorcist robe that was ignited by a cigar," Allen spoke his words.

"Useless, hah?" my master gave Allen his threading glare and of course with hammer that was raised high.

"Go… go… gomenasai…"

Well, my master was the winner.

"And you!" he shouted us.

Judgement seemed to recognize it, so it started to wriggle, give out it most passionate look, and sound *ngiu'… ngiu'*. It no longer seemed to be fearful revolver, Judgement only seemed to be a little kitten being afraid to be kick out of the house.

"Yea… Yea… I won't throw you away," said my master.

And me? I knew what the end would be, but I kept on playing the scene.

"grrlll…grlll…grrrrllllll" I sounded. It was meant 'don't throw me away!'

"Hmm…" my master started his hum, "it's been three years since you became my apprentice. I think, it's about time you go out on your own. From today on, you carry the title exorcist."

"Really?"

"But, to officially become an exorcist, you have to come to the HQ and greet the people there. You know where it is, right?"

"Yes," Allen nodded.

"I'll have my golem accompany you. I'll even recommend you to Komui."

Hearing my name said… "Hey, why do I feel like I've been thrown away?!"

"Don't tell me that you're backing up of coming with me, Shishou…"

"I dislike HQ!" once again, my master lifted up the hammer.

"Ha… Ha'i!!!" Allen knew this was coming, so he did answer him as fast as he could. But then he whispered, "I should have known about his smooth talking about me being exorcist was only his alibi for throwing me away, shouldn't I?"

But no one really knew what really happened, I supposed.

The night before, my master had told me that it was time for that boy to go by his own; he said that Allen had grown enough to learn about the world so he would send him to HQ. And master didn't say anything else until he thought I fell asleep.

Yes, my master had thought that I fell asleep and wouldn't hear that he said. But the truth was I remembered it exactly; he said, "Tim, I hope you can take care of him for me."

"Yes, master. I'll take care of Allen for you, because I know that you love him (even though still, you've been threatening that little poor Allen so cruelly) and he loves you as well. But master, tell me, why don't you just show him that you love him? What is it that you're afraid of telling him that you do?"

***

I remembered about Allen shouting like crazy by the first few weeks after being kicked out by my master while I could only give him my sorry.

But that was past; while time still moves on so fast. Right now is now. And now is the time to regret what we did or what we didn't do. Now is the time we wish upon something that we could've never done.

Just like that Suman incident, or right after that. It was actually when Allen told me to go bringing the innocence that had just lost his host. At that time, I did really want to tell him that, I did want to be able to speak at least for that moment, "Allen, I love you. Don't die on me, ok?"

Then, when my master saved Allen, Lenalee, Lavi, and Chaoji from that berserk Tikky Mikk…

Why didn't anyone notice me? Ok, don't mention about Allen having the ruler out of nowhere and saying that I grew bigger.

"Master, I've been taking good care of Allen! You know it, don't you, master?" I felt like screaming to my master; I wanted to tell him that I'd done my part perfectly.

But my master didn't even know that I was trying to report it to him.

He never knew, just like Allen doesn't even know how many stories I do want to tell him.

"Tim… I don't know... I just don't understand," he sounded painful. "When Mana said that he loved me, did he really mean to say it to me, or he only said it to 14th inside me? I…"

"Hey, Allen, I wish I could talk so I can tell you many things about all you doubt and your question."

"At that time… at that time…"

"At that time, Allen… maybe Mana did tell it to 14th inside you, maybe. But, Allen… Mana, he didn't see you as a host for his lost brother, he didn't. Mana saw you as a little boy that lost everything including the affection that you'd been supposed to have, Allen."

"At that time… Mana and I were just a pair of a clown and an orphan, weren't us?" he started to sob, "We were, right, Mana?"

"Yes, Allen. Maybe his logic said that you only a body for his own brother; but, didn't he see you as a little boy?

"Don't you even know how he loved you; how he took the role as a father for you, you that had never even how it felt?

"Allen, aren't you supposed to know it better than anyone else?"

I was still waiting the words he would probably say next. But then, it was silent, Allen didn't say a word. The next thing I knew was Allen fell asleep.

While at the next day, none of three of us understands what really is happening.

Allen is still in silence; tears will probably run down soon, but no.

And me? I can only stand on the window pane, trying to wipe off master's dry blood by my wings as if it will be able to replace him. Hey, that dry blood, it doesn't matter whose, it is not my master! It's just dry blood, and blood is not my master.

"Tim… Master's gone," Allen said.

"Yes, I know…"

"Tim… why do everyone keep on leaving me? Why?"

"Allen, I don't know it too. But I will never go far away from you! I promise it to you, as I still keep my promise to my master."

"Nee, Tim… do you understand?"

"Yes, Allen. I do. I do understand that it is painful, and you're in this pain."

Master, hadn't you ever imagined how Allen would miss you so much? Master, I'm angry right now! I still don't understand how could you left us, especially Allen that will feel it more than anyone else.

Hey, master… well, ex-master for you'd given me to Allen, why did you end up leaving us? Why did you go away after for the first time you showed him how much you cared? Why did you go away even without hearing my gratitude for making and letting me learn this world?

"Tim," he continues on asking, regretfully, "Does he know that I love him too? I should've told him long ago, shouldn't I? Or at least last night… I could have just told him that instead throwing you away to his had, right, Tim?"

"Yes, Allen, it is. But don't you know? It is because you threw me yesterday, now I have my body aching all over." I wish I could speak, so maybe if he hears me he will have a little smile on his face.

Because of that…

If there is someday that I shall have to disappear and reborn; may I ask Him one thing? I won't ask much, really, just one thing exactly; so when I reincarnate someday, I'll be something that can speak.

Yes, I only hope that in life then, I can cheer people and tell those people I love about how I feel, for at least I will have no regret when I will once again disappear.

So I can tell them about how much I love them.

So I can tell them about how much I need them.

So I can tell them about how much they've become a part of my existence.

And of course, I can say that I've done what I should have done as my reason to live; so there will be someone looking at me, smiling to me, saying, "Yes, I knew you've done your duty perfectly."

"Maybe I don't say a single word, but it doesn't mean that without words I am mute. Maybe there is nothing to be heard, but it doesn't mean my heart does not scream; maybe, it's just you that cannot hear me." –Syen Lee.

The two quotes upside is really coming from someone named Syen lee. It is, her name is really Syen Lee. And she is not a step-sister (or an OC step-sister) of those Komui and LenaLee Lee. Well, it is exactly the same on how to write it down and how to pronounce it, that made me confused as well.