A/N: ...I blame the cold medicine.

Warnings: CRACK, yaoi/shounen-ai, some OOC

Pairings: Golden, Dirty, Silver, and Endurance for sure. Practically spits Royal, though, with vague hints (unintended or not) of Pillar and Thrill.

Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis.

Chapter 1

It was dark that Saturday. Grey clouds had gathered together to choke out the sun, heavy as if to threaten Tokyo with rain to pour down from their heights. It was a chilly sort of day as well, but they were lucky in that the wind had not started up to give them all a chance to catch pneumonia. Sometimes, if they let their minds wander idle for too long, they could hear their buchou's voice in their heads, chanting his trademark phrase with frightening intensity: "Yudan sezu ni ikou!"

Ryoma started, blinking sudden clarity into both his eyes and mind. He glanced around at the other Regulars gathered in the classroom, half-heartedly making sure Tezuka-buchou hadn't shown up to warn them again. The senior had bid that to him at the end of the school day, when Momo and Kikumaru had come barreling out of nowhere to drag him off with no explanation. As this was actually quite a common occurrence these days, Ryoma had little reaction, even as he was flung into a classroom where the others were.

What had followed was a blindingly useless hour of pointless bickering, courtesy of mostly Momo and Kaidoh, though God-forbid Fuji not get in on the action, leading to one distraction after another that had frayed Oishi's last nerve. The last half-hour had been spent (not-really-)listening to Oishi lecture them on the risk of severely injuring themselves one day and the proper behavior one should maintain while on school grounds.

"And off," Oishi was quick to amend, casting a pleasantly-smiling Fuji a considering look.

Kawamura fidgeted self-consciously nearby. "Oishi...shouldn't we talk about what we came here for?"

"Yes, now we can!" Oishi sighed. "As long as you guys behave, that is."

Kikumaru practically threw himself at the vice-captain, somehow managing to attach the entire length of his body to the flustered boy's side. "We will, Oishi, now let's hurry this up! You said we could go on a date after this!"

"Eiji!"

Fuji chuckled, catching the room's attention. They all knew better than to ignore Fuji when he was amused. Or when he wasn't. Or just ignore Fuji in general, really, because the tensai had to be constantly watched in order to keep the number of casualties down.

"This is about Tezuka's birthday, right?" The tensai cocked his head and many of the Regulars visibly twitched at the motion. "I thought we all agreed to have it at Taka-san's restaurant?"

"Yes," Oishi nodded, giving up on detaching a mewling Kikumaru from him. "But I also wanted to address the matter of gifts. I know we all planned on getting Tezuka our own presents, but I think we should get him something as a group. To show team unity!" He said it so earnestly, even Fuji didn't have the heart to scoff at him. It was a cute idea, in a sense.

"So we're going to get him a group gift?" Momo asked, a small frown on his face. "Like what? I just bought him some socks last year..."

"Momo!" Kikumaru cried, looking utterly scandalized. "How impersonal!"

"They were damn good socks!" Momo snapped back, now defensive. "What did you get him, Eiji-senpai?"

"I got him a stuffed panda bear!"

Silence met this proud declaration. Oishi looked off to the side, torn between exasperation and amusement at the memory of Tezuka's face as the redhead practically shoved a giant panda bear at the bespectacled teen. It had been both entertaining and horrifying all at once. Fuji hadn't stopped laughing for days afterward. (That week had been named the Week of Perpetual Suffering, where a record number of students from Seishun Gakuen Senior High had been absent, coming back to the students and faculty members who had remained facing life-lasting trauma.)

"I gave him some free meal coupons for Kawamura Sushi." Kawamura admitted, if only to have the awkward moment pass.

"I bought him the box collection of his favorite novel series." Oishi put in.

Kaidoh twitched as the room's attention turned to him. Damn clockwise sharing of opinions... "Fssshh...grip tape."

"Ha!" Momo exclaimed, pointing a triumphant finger at the other junior. "That's just as impersonal as the socks I gave him!"

Oishi sighed. "Momo, that's not exactly something to be proud about..."

"Grip tape is more useful than stupid socks, peach-butt!" Kaidoh spat, insulted.

"I bet Tezuka-buchou has tons of grip tape! Your's is useless, mamushi!" Momo retorted.

Inui swooped in just as Kaidoh made a move to lunge at his smug rival, pulling back the hissing junior before violence erupted. Again. "I compiled all the notes I've taken on him and gave them to him as a a multi-volume set." At the silence that ensued after this statement (which was more of a 'holy shit, there's a freaky stalker in the room!' silence rather than the pure 'what-the-freak?' silence that followed Kikumaru's announcement), he added defensively, "It came with a few videos on his performance as well."

This, if anything, increased the freaky-stalkerish aspect.

"What did you get him, Ochibi?" Kikumaru asked, once everyone (save Kaidoh, who was too used to this side of the tall senior) had inched away from Inui.

Ryoma pulled down the bridge of his hat. "...A watch."

This answer just earned the others' nods, as it should, because Ryoma refused to confess that he hadn't gotten Tezuka-buchou a watch. He, being the foolishly naive and blindly-believing boy he was, had instead listened to his mother's and Nanako's advice. He should have known, really; they had giggled the entire way through. He should have known that women were evil. Ryuuzaki-sensei should have been proof enough of that fact (whoever allowed the use of Inui Juice during practice was equal to the devil in Ryoma's mind). But no; he had went shopping for their generously-offered suggestion, bought it (much to the wildly-blushing salesgirl's surprise), and then cornered his Buchou after he and the older boy had finished their weekend friendly tennis match.

Tezuka stared at the gift in his hands. The high school junior had frozen as soon as he realized what it was he held, much to Ryoma's confusion. The junior high senior sincerely hoped his captain (for he will always be his captain in Ryoma's mind) wasn't disappointed that the younger boy hadn't bothered to wrap the gift. The package it came in looked fancy enough to pass Ryoma's tastes, and he had thought his and Tezuka's tastes were reasonably similar.

"Buchou?" Ryoma asked, after several moments of silence had passed and the older boy had yet to even blink.

Tezuka twitched, before suddenly turning an alarming shade of red. Ryoma stared at the other boy, horrified. I broke Buchou! Ryoma panicked, golden eyes wide as Tezuka opened and closed his mouth several times, yet no sounds came out. Fuji-senpai will kill me!

"Echizen," Tezuka finally choked out, the red in his skin lessening to a somewhat-controlled-but-still-troubling pink. "Do you know what this is?"

Ryoma stared at the gift in the older boy's hand. "...Lubricant." Green tea-scented lubricant, actually, because his captain struck him as a green tea-liking guy.

Tezuka's hand tightened around the ornate package. "Do you know what you use lubricant for?"

Why did Tezuka's voice sound so strange? "To soften your skin and relax your muscles." Ryoma dutifully answered, just as his mother and Nanako had explained to him. He had no idea of the item's usefulness for dealing with dry skin and muscle strain, and was marginally disappointed he hadn't known sooner. No matter now, though; he had bought himself a grape-scented one.

Tezuka finally moved his gaze to the younger male, a frown turning his lips. Ryoma blinked up at him; his captain's expression was...strange.

"Did Fuji put you up to this?"

Ryoma blinked, taken aback. "What?" Did Fuji get Tezuka the same thing? Dammit, and here he thought he was being original!

Tezuka dragged in a long breath, the flush leaving his cheeks--much to Ryoma's relief. "Thank you for the gift, Echizen."

Ryoma eyed him. "...Un."

"Isn't anyone going to ask me what I got Tezuka?" Fuji asked, breaking Ryoma out of his traumatized reverie.

Silence, for the third time, elapsed in the classroom. No one wanted to know what the tensai had gotten their stoic buchou, because if there was anything Fuji enjoyed, it was horrifying/shocking Tezuka. This, by association, often similarly affected the rest of the Regulars. However, no one was willing to say this to the presently-smiling Fuji, because admitting to him that he was frightening was like telling Akutsu Jin to shut up and bend over. (It just ended in pain and bloodshed and years of professional counseling.)

"So what are we getting Tezuka-buchou, Oishi-senpai?" Momo asked, laughing nervously. Fuji's pleasant mood instantly turned sour, which was surprisingly easy to tell despite the fact that the effeminate youth continued smiling. Ryoma, nearest to the exit, edged more towards it.

Oishi cast Fuji a worried glance before resolutely turning to face the others with a strained smile. "Well, I was thinking a new tennis racket. He's been eyeing the latest version of the Pro Light, so..."

"Doesn't that thing cost 20000 yen?!" Momo cried out.

"As it came out just last weekend, the current price stands at 19500 yen." Inui stated cleanly. "To cover tax as well, we'd each have to give 2,500 yen each."

Kawamura smiled brightly. "That's not so bad. I can scrape that up."

The others gave nods of agreement.

"If that's decided," Fuji's smile was more blinding than looking directly at the sun. "How about we play a little game?"

Ryoma hightailed it out of there before the tensai could lock him in with the rest. The screams of his friends echoed down the corridor as he sprinted as fast as he could from the classroom.

I knew it was a bad idea to let Fuji-senpai watch those Saw movies... Ryoma thought darkly.

Ryoma was having a dilemma.

Glaring at the innocent, inanimate form of his empty wallet, he felt a bubble of panic stir inside him. He hadn't anticipated being broke; he had won tennis tournaments, for God's sake, he could practically live on his own at this point. But right now, all of his hard-earned money rested with his parents (or, more specifically, his mom) and his right to spend freely had been viciously revoked last week when he had bought "a lifetime supply of ponta," as his mother had distressingly described. (Which was a complete lie, the goods only lasted through a week, dammit!)

Frowning, he glanced over at the slumbering form of his father on the couch. Ryoma didn't have an allowance, and his mother had seemed upset at his spending spree, but if he wheedled his father...

Then Pride came up behind Desperation and proceeded to drop-kick it into a quivering, crumpled form on the floor of Ryoma's mind.

Ryoma turned back to his wallet. Right. There was no way he was going to ask his family. Maybe there was a job he could pick up somewhere...?

"How much, little lady?"

Ryoma's bored, calculating eyes turned to the TV in half-hearted interest. He didn't often tune in to the shows his father watched, because they always held some dubious content (as his mother had informed him, over the bloodied form of Nanjiroh). Still, hadn't the old guy in the show--Is oyaji watching anime? Ryoma wondered briefly--just offer the female protagonist cash? For what? Ryoma peered closer; the girl didn't appear to be doing anything but smiling at the older man that had talked to her.

"Depends. If you want to spend a night with little me, however, I can give you a deal." she said, practically smirking. "Ten-thousand yen, you can have me all night. I'll do whatever you want."

Ryoma blinked as the old man easily agreed.

All night? What would they do at night? Ryoma wondered. He couldn't imagine doing anything except maybe playing some late-night tennis or sleeping. However, the show had offered him an interesting idea. Would someone really pay that much money just to have someone keep them company for the night? It was a strange concept to Ryoma, but...

Now who did he know that was strange? Every tennis player in Japan...and then some. Alright, now who did he know that would have plenty of money and would be willing to spend it willy-nilly? ...Someone from Hyoutei.

Oshitari was as creepy as Fuji, so he was immediately cancelled out. Gakuto was too much like Kikumaru that Ryoma didn't think he'd survive a night with him. Kabaji probably wouldn't even listen to him, Shishido was stingy, Ohtori was too in love with Shishido to spend the night with anyone but Shishido, and Hiyoshi would probably get all "gekokujyou" and kill him in his sleep or something. Ryoma could probably stand Akutagawa, but chances were the boy would be sleeping and wouldn't listen to his offer or pay him. Which left Ryoma's list sadly whittled down to...

...Atobe.

Ryoma twitched. Could he stand a night with Atobe? The older male was an egotistical, flashy nutcase; then again, he was also a good tennis player. And someone who was definitely rich enough to remember to pay Ryoma for keeping him company. Besides, the other would probably piece together that Ryoma just needed the money to buy Tezuka a present, and despite being a narcissistic freak, he was still generous enough to help out. Of course, he'd probably spend millions of dollars trying to get Tezuka a better gift in response, but it was the thought that counted, right?

Ryoma stood, resolution set. After school tomorrow, he would pay a visit to Hyoutei Academy Senior High School.

The campus was as ridiculously large and ornately done as Ryoma had expected. After taking directions from a sign done Venetian-style, it didn't take long to enter Hyoutei's tennis courts. It was already pretty late in the day (Ryoma had to go after his own afternoon practice), so most of the tennis club had gone. However, just like Seigaku, the Hyoutei Regulars remained behind for some extra training.

Stepping onto the court nearest the otherwise distracted tennis players, it didn't take long for Gakuto to spot him and immediately point him out. Atobe had turned, a smirk on his lips as he strode to the Seigaku freshman, self-praise already falling from his lips.

"Have you finally decided to leave Seigaku and join Hyoutei, brat? It was inevitable, of course; no one can deny ore-sama's glorious aura for long! Were you so awed by oresama's prowess that you decided to leave Tezuka's side? Not that you can be blamed, as oresama is a god among men--"

"Atobe, buy me."

Atobe's drivel came to a sputtering stop. The Hyoutei Regulars stared at the prodigy utterly gobsmacked, but Ryoma didn't seem to notice.

"Buy you?" Atobe echoed, still in the throes of horrible shock.

"Yes, buy me." Ryoma reiterated irritably. Did the Monkey King understand? What had that girl in the anime said again? "Ten-thousand yen and you can have me all night. I'll do whatever you want." He was going to add 'within reason', but Atobe and Reason had been estranged since birth and Ryoma wasn't keen on fighting a losing battle.

Oshitari, the first to recover, snorted with a smirk. "Now, Echizen-kun, you are worth far more than a measly ten-thousand yen. At the very least, ask for a million yen."

Choutarou whipped around to look at the tensai, horrified. "Oshitari-senpai! Buchou can't buy Echizen-kun!"

"Well, Echizen-kun did ask him to, and since Atobe would likely be deflowering an innocent maiden..." Oshitari trailed off suggestively.

Ryoma stared at the tanned youth. "Monkey King gardens?"

"Oresama leaves that task to oresama's servants!" Atobe snapped, brought back to reality at the insinuation of him doing something he considered a plebian job. Then he eyed the freshman anew. "Brat, do you even know what you're asking oresama?"

"To buy me to spend the night with you!" Ryoma snapped, irritated that Atobe just wasn't getting it.

Atobe raised an eyebrow. "And, pray tell, what exactly would you and oresama be doing during this time together?"

Ryoma eyed him warily. "I don't know, play tennis?"

Gakuto choked out a laugh. "Oh, there will definitely be balls involved alright..."

"Gakuto-senpai!" Ohtori whined.

Shishido just snorted, realizing the freshman had no idea what he had just offered their egotistical captain. "What do you need the money for?" he asked, before glancing at a now-smirking Atobe. "Because I think you just risked your chastity by asking Atobe."

"Buchou's birthday is soon." Ryoma said. "And my what?"

Atobe snapped his fingers before Shishido could respond, prompting Kabaji to drag the struggling senior off. Ohtori followed worriedly, casting glances back at the group as he followed Kabaji out of the tennis courts.

"Never mind him," Atobe dismissed imperially. "Since you have such a noble cause, oresama will generously help you. Of course, my good friend Oshitari has a point; I will purchase you for a night for fifty-thousand yen."

Ryoma eyed him suspiciously. "Just to spend a night with you?"

Atobe smiled charmingly. "For the night you and oresama shall share together!"

The captain of the Hyoutei tennis club burst into excited chuckles.

...Why did Ryoma feel like this was suddenly a bad idea?

"It has come to oresama's attention," Atobe started grandly, posed on a small theater-like stage with dual lights shining down on him. The surround-sound system was humming out a grandiose melody as the dive spoke, and Ryoma found himself feeling utterly disgusted yet reluctantly impressed at the same time. Who just thinks up things like this, after all? "That you, Echizen Ryoma, have been denied a most vital part of your education."

Atobe's following smirk was downright devious. "As such, oresama shall be your new instructor."

Ryoma, perched uncomfortably atop the violet, silk bedsheets of a giant king-sized, stared at the older boy in dubious belief.

"You're going to lecture me all night?" the freshman asked, bewildered.

Atobe chuckled. "Of course not. Oresama is a...hands-on instructor."

Bon Jovi's "Bed of Roses" began to play in the background.

Early morning practice began on the same note. Kaidoh and Momoshirou were aggravating each other with just their mere presence, Kikumaru and Fuji were laughing quietly to themselves as they discussed something--likely some kind of diabolical plan involving fish and bombs--in whispers, Kawamura was running around the courts with screams of heavily-accented English that didn't make sense more than half the time, and Oishi was trying to get everyone to calm the hell down before Tezuka arrived. In fact, the only oddity present was Ryoma, who sat on a bench and stared aimlessly into the sky. Had the others not been so....regular....they might have noticed their rookie's inattention, but they were so used to Ryoma trying to stay out of their way that they had yet to take note.

"Tezuka!" Oishi cried, sounding a mix of relieved and horrified.

Everyone immediately snapped to attention (sans Ryoma, who was pulled upright by a frantic Momo) and tried not to look too guilty. Except Fuji, that is; he just continued smiling serenely as he calmly ended his and Kikumaru's conversation with "--and that's what the escape car was for." Oishi convinced himself he didn't want to know, and decided it was time to start saving up in case he had to pay bail.

"Buchou," Kaidoh was the first to notice. "Your racket..."

Tezuka glanced down at said item, his displeasure at finding them not training alleviated somewhat by the gazes his new racket was drawing. (He was a tennis player, dammit, he could be proud of his own equipment!) "Aa. My grandfather purchased it for me as an early birthday present."

He was sent into confusion at the crestfallen looks of the other Regulars.

"But that's what we were going to get you!" Kikumaru whined loudly, stamping his foot.

"...I'm sorry, I didn't realize." Tezuka apologized, looking mildly concerned as even Fuji began to sulk.

"I had to ask for an advance on my allowance for two weeks. I can't even by burgers anymore!" Momo grumbled.

Kaidoh hissed. "Shut up, peach-idiot, no one wants to hear you whine."

"What did you say, Mamushi?!"

"I will have to harvest ingredients myself for the next two weeks since the money I used was supposed to be for my juices." Why did Inui sound so gleeful?

"I had to borrow money from my sisters!"

"I asked my parents, so I'll probably have to work a little longer at the restaurant...."

"Saa....I just found mine." Fuji smiled. "In someone else's wallet."

The others cast him fearful looks.

Kikumaru's "You didn't leave a corpse behind, did you?" was drowned out by Oishi's admission he had used the money he regularly donated to charity to help purchase the gift.

Momo glared at the youngest boy. "I bet you just used your earnings from the tournaments, huh, Echizen?"

Ryoma absently shook his head. "'Kaasan said I can't touch my winnings for the next few weeks." He paused, glanced down at himself, then resumed looking at the sky with an airy expression. "I slept with Atobe instead."

This was met with complete silence.

"You did what?" Fuji cut through icily.

To be continued...

A/N: I left off at crucial points for a reason though! By the way, can anybody else see Atobe listening to Bon Jovi? XD This fic shouldn't be too long; the next chapter should be the last. It will have the Great Confrontation! (Did Atobe really take advantage of the innocent Echizen? How will the Seigaku regulars react? What happened to Shishido? And what gift will Tezuka get now?! XD)

Please review. Critiques welcomed!