Facts of Life II

By Sapadu

"God said to Noah; 'I am going to put an end to all people for the world is filled with violence because of them. You are to bring two of each animal onto the ark to keep them alive with you.' … In other words: Life is hard, so you better find someone who will be your partner."

Puggy, Big Trouble (Barry Sonnenfeld 2002)

"I don't suppose it ever occurred to you that I would be bored when you wanted advice about talking to the female half of our species." Ken finally muttered. Ben was looking in the other direction, the exact same thing having just occurred to him.

"...Well, if nothing else, you can laugh at me when you see what happens." Ben muttered back. Ken just grunted.

The main hall of the temple was swarming with people, mostly adults, but the fair share of kids. There were apprentices with their Masters, Knights congregating over serious discussion, and schools of younglings trailing Masters and the adults herding them. The girl Ben was pointing at was at least a head taller than him, with long hair held back in a knot except for a few braids framing her face. Ken folded his arms and nodded. Ben took the signal and strode boldly over to the apprentice and her Master, swallowing against a hard lump in his throat.

"Um... Master Odgen... can I talk to Ino for a moment?" The Humanoid Master glanced over at Ben, then her apprentice, then shooed them off. Ino folded her arms as though Ben were bothering her, "Um... Hi, my name's Ben. I think you're cute, so I was wondering if you'd like to go out on a date with me; I'd be really nice to you, treat you like a Human Being, give you gifts, and love you every day."

Over his shoulder, Ben heard something distinctly like Ken's voice laughing. Ino's arms were still crossed and she was starting to glare. It was getting to the point that Ben was wondering if he had been staring or something.

"Oh PLEASE." She finally said, "Affection is SO last year."

What? The? HELL?

"Do you MIND? Master Odgen and I just got back from a mission." Defeated, Ben dropped and waved goodbye. He only looked up when he heard someone much taller than him snickering at him.

"Your sales pitch needs some work." Ken finally said, much more distinctly than the snickering Ben heard earlier. Sighing with exasperation, Ben looked up to Ken as pitifully as he could.

"When did AFFECTION become UNCOOL?" He asked, exasperated. Ken was still suppressing his laughter.

"I don't think that's QUITE what turned her off – for one thing, when you said that you would be nice to her, treat her well, and love her a lot..."

"Every DAY."

"Sorry, every day – that kind of implied that you thought she NEEDED it. That nobody else was nice to her, treated her like a Human Being, or gave her gifts, OR that she wanted it. Girls don't like being talked down to. For another, NO male Human just comes up and SAYS that he wants to be a gentleman – that sets off alarm bells for ANY female, Human or Non-Human." Ken held up two fingers as he counted off the points he made.

Ben scowled. It seemed like the stupidest reason for anyone to be freaked out about anyone being nice to them.

"Then, what am I SUPPOSED to do? I can't read minds – and even if I do, all the other girls my age have mastered the skill of blocking another Jedi from doing that trick." Ben asked. Ken was still snickering.

"I guess we can do this the old fashioned way – get out of your Jedi robes and find street clothes. We need ladies present to teach you how to charm them."

Ben stared – more precisely, he stared somewhat past Ken as a figure who immediately brought hush to any crowded room in the Temple came through the doors, straight towards them.

"Hi, Dad..." Ken pivoted sharply in a circle, his smirk turning into a broad smile as Ben's father glanced between the both of them, finally looking Ken in the eye as he managed to speak with a perfectly straight face.

"What ARE you two doing?" Ken's smile parted into a toothy grin.

"I'm corrupting your son and turning him to the Dark Side – don't try and stop me, Master!" Before he spun and grabbed Ben by the arm, dragging him off. Neither of them saw Luke's face twitch into a grin as he attempted to remain dignified.

"Might be a practical way of stopping him from having so many girlfriends as me."

Ben so rarely got out of the Temple that he sometimes forgot that normal civilian girls were not only pretty in a very plastic and bleached hair sort of way, they were also incredibly air-headed. Any time either he or Ken made eye-contact with one of them, they burst into giggles and went in the other direction to meet up with a bunch of other girls with identical features and whisper in a flighty, giggly, frivolous way.

"Why do they all giggle like that?" Ben finally asked. Ken remained perfectly serious.

"And now you know why I generally don't fancy their kind." Well, fat lot of good that did Ben. Ken didn't see the way Ben glared at him – he was too busy digging in his pocket for change, since this particular vendor didn't have change.

"How do I talk to them when they can't seem to comprehend multiple syllables?" Ben finally asked as Ken handed him his caf. The older man scanned the crowd as he gulped down his own drink, finally settling his eyes on a single lady who was poring over a display of perfumes. Ben didn't really see what was so interesting about her – the fact that she was looking at a sprayable, liquid form of whale feces for fifty thousand credits sure said something about her intelligence – until Ken poked him and gestured.

"Okay, if you had to go and talk to her, what would you say?" Ben sipped on his drink and scowled at his friend, glancing back at the lady before he finally started to look for something to compliment. She wasn't even that pretty – her nose was long and hooked, her skin brown, but in uneven spots that were neither freckled nor tanned, even her figure was straight up and down.

"...Her legs are kinda nice." And they were... or would be, maybe if she could shave properly. Now, they were just kinda nice.

"Okay – watch and learn." Ken passed his drink off to Ben and slid over to the perfumes counter. Ben deliberately took a drink from Ken's can.

"Miss, I just noticed – those are nice shoes. They look good on you."

The caf came out of Ben's nose as he started to cough. Shoes? SHOES? Ken had told Ben to watch him, just so he could compliment a woman's SHOES?

"Thanks – my friend gave them to me. She said she found them on a sale with..."

This had to be the most embarrassing moment of Ben's entire life – he was watching his friend and mentor, an old guy not even interested in women, chatting up this lady even when Ben couldn't make a single female friend.

Before Ben knew it, Ken had smoothly glided out of the conversation with the lady's comm channel in hand.

"So, catch any of that?"

Ben blinked and stared.

"Any of WHAT?"

Ken smacked Ben's head with the piece of flimsiplast the lady had given him.

"When you think something's attractive about a girl, don't compliment her directly – compliment the closest article of clothing."

Still blinking. Still staring.

"You do realize how GAY it makes you sound when you compliment a woman's shoes, right?" He asked. Ken smirked.

"That's a point in my favor that you DON'T have in yours." He pointed out, "Women aren't intimidated by men who aren't interested – they don't see them as a threat the way they do other men. Besides, if you compliment something she WEARS, it sends the message that you're paying attention. Women spend an obscene amount of time trying to pick out clothes that will get men's attention, so when you notice, it means she put that effort to good use. That's two points in your favor."

Ben squinted, nose wrinkled. It sounded stupid. He also had a feeling if he tried it, he'd sound even stupider. And when he said so, Ken just frowned.

"Okay, from what I've seen, this is any given woman's view of any man who might be even remotely interested in going out with her: A predator stalking prey. As far as women can see, men don't think don't feel, don't care – they just want..." Ken pointed downwards, "Action. And, no matter how many books they read or how many decent guys they meet, they will always firmly believe that no man wants to just have a nice, friendly, caring relationship. So, you've got to pretend to be the kind of man that isn't a beast – the kind of man all women will universally recognize as a Human Being with emotions and feelings..." Ben pulled a face.

"A bender?" He asked. Ken raised his eyebrows and gave Ben a glare that made him feel like an utter ass for even opening his mouth.

"Prove me wrong then." Ken finally challenged, turning back around and pointing out a much prettier girl in the crowd, "You think SHE'S cute?"

"Yeah." Oh, great. Now, Ken was going to make him talk to her – not only was he going to stutter or end up getting pretty thoroughly kicked for trying, he was going to have to say something queer like he wanted to know the brand of her dress or something.

"What do you like?" Ben just whistled, "Tits, it is then. Go tell her you like her shirt." Ken gave Ben a push, but Ben turned around and faced the older man.

"What? How do you expect me to pull THAT one off? I'm just supposed to say, 'Hey, that's a nice shirt'? She'll see through it immediately!"

"So, say you like the color on her, or that it's a cute cut, or ask where she got it. Play it by ear – it's like anything your Uncle does."

"And you think she'll buy it? I'd be lying through my teeth – how is THAT fair?"

"Is it fair that girls can just assume guys are jerks, even when they've never spoken to them before?"

"The point is, if I'm talking to a girl because I wanna go out with her, doesn't she kind of deserve some honesty? I can't lie all the time, or when it comes out that I didn't actually like her clothes, I liked how big her butt was or something, she'll get mad."

"So, change it up a bit – admit it at some point 'Hey, when we met, I kind of lied – I didn't think the shirt was cute, I thought the girl WEARING it was cute'. She'll still think you're sweet if you..." Ken looked over Ben's shoulder and rolled his eyes, "Well, too late now – she's gone."

Ben looked over his shoulder – the cute girl was, indeed, gone. Ken let out an exasperated sigh.

"You're gonna have to get through this part first if you ever want to get to the dating stage." He reminded Ben, standing up and getting ready to head back to the Temple. Ben stared and thought for a moment.

"Hey, Ken?"

Ken stopped and patiently looked back.

"Yeah?"

Ben glanced up and down for a moment before managing, with a perfectly straight face.

"Those pants you've got on are nice – where'd you get them?"

Ben laughed every step as Ken chased him back to the Temple, shouting 'Smartass!' after him the whole way.

A/N: If anyone reading this is waiting for me to update CMC or Prince, I really do apologize – I've been working a lot lately, but also hit kind of a writers block. I'll try to get a chapter of each up before spring. For now, though, if anyone has suggestions what to do or anyone wants to be a beta, I'd be willing to take you up on that.