I wanted to write something angsty, cos I've never done that before. I'm not sure why people like it, I feel really depressed now. However, you should really listen to this song, Rain, by Patty Griffin. It kinda reminds me of what Fuji and Tezuka's relationship could have been.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

WARNING: This ain't gonna be happy. Also, this is shounen-ai, so if you don't like it, here's your cue to leave.

"Rain"

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb

Fuji sometimes wondered which god he'd offended to fall in love with a living rock. Tezuka Kunimitsu was the strong, respected captain of Seigaku Tennis Club, but it was often debated amongst the student body whether or not the boy actually had feelings, let alone human imperfections like, say, tear glands. Fuji, however, was one of the few people who knew that, yes, the Buchou was a human with feelings. He just didn't access them very often. From the first time they met, Tezuka was a stoic faced child who lived by rules and tradition and as he grew up nothing changed. People were amazed that someone like Tezuka, who was so strict, was such good friends with the drifting genius Fuji, who would never let anything tie him down.

Still, Fuji also understood that Tezuka felt the pressure to be perfect, the image of a good son, student and captain. He was expected to grow up and marry a beautiful woman, and bear children to continue the family line. It was agonising to know that, while Fuji had somewhere along the line picked up certain feelings, it could never happen. So he made sure to keep just behind the line that existed between friendship and something more. They were close, but so far away.

Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

In their third year, Fuji had finally worked up the courage to at least try to get closer to the Buchou. It had maybe taken quite a few years, but they'd grown to be such good friends. Tezuka allowed him to see his emotions, and Fuji reciprocated. They could exchange a single glance that held a whole conversation in it. Words weren't even necessary. He'd decided to ask Tezuka to play tennis on the weekend with him, and had been accepted. They were going to meet on one of the street courts, but Fuji thought he might drop by Tezuka's house so they could walk there together. He was early enough that he wouldn't be late even if Tezuka was out. He didn't expect to see Tezuka farewelling a pretty girl with a kiss on the cheek.

It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight, before…

Fuji was shocked, of course, and hurt. The girl had waved goodbye before he walked up to the doorway where Tezuka was waiting for him, apparently aware that he was there. Apparently that was the girl his parents had subtly indicated they wanted him to marry. Fuji quickly said that he'd come to cancel, as 'something came up'. What a lame excuse. He had hurried away before he could get called out on it, walking quickly but not knowing where he was going, the sky getting gradually darker even though it was barely noon. He eventually came to a deserted park, with a bridge and a little river flowing under it. Fuji briefly considered jumping off it, but decided against it. It probably wouldn't kill him anyway, and given some time, the sharp stabs he was feeling in his chest might to it for him. He'd never had his heart broken before. He supposed it could kill you.

It started raining, and Fuji raised his head to let the water mingle with his tears, wishing he could rid himself of his feelings at the same time.

Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

When they reached university, it was both a blessing and a curse to Fuji that they both ended up on the same campus. Sure, he was grateful to see him every day, but not being able to touch him was torture. Worse, that girl was there too, and it was one of Fuji's darkest days when Tezuka introduced her as his girlfriend, and Fuji had to fix a smile on his face and be happy for them. Later that day Tezuka confessed to him that he really liked the girl; she was smart, beautiful and he felt relaxed around her. Fuji felt his smashed heart shatter a little more. When Tezuka asked what was wrong, he blamed it on eating too quickly.

That night he cried himself to sleep, but in the morning, he had to get up and painstakingly rebuild his smiling mask, bit by bit. He'd given up on forgetting Tezuka, it just couldn't happen. He'd long ago resigned himself to watching from behind his smile.

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

The day Tezuka asked him to be his best man, Fuji felt his battered heart, which he thought couldn't ache more than it did, give another painful twinge. Tezuka told him the date, the plans, the guests, and would have continued had Fuji not stopped him by telling him that maybe Oishi should be his best man. Fuji said he was bad at speeches, and that he might not be available that day. Tezuka looked hurt, but accepted it, saying that he hoped Fuji would try his best to be there. Fuji smiled and nodded. He'd been living like a ghost under his mask for years now, but it was getting tiring. Now all he wanted was to let go, not to worry about it anymore, not to feel the loneliness. No one said Love was this painful.

That night when he went to bed, he took a quite a few more sleeping pills than normal, tears sliding from drooping eyelids to fall onto his pillow.

When people found him, he was lying on his bed, almost sleeping but for the fact that he wasn't breathing. He was still smiling. There was a note on the table next to him, addressed to a Tezuka Kunimitsu.

Just so you know, I love you.

Okay, that wasn't really much of an anything. It had no plot, and no real ending. I was just emo. Tell me how you feel. I feel that it was needlessly tragic, but I also think that is what it would have been like, if Tezuka ended up getting married. I'm of the opinion that Tezuka and Fuji are made for each other, and that you can't escape that. One you fall in love, it's permanent.