Test of Happiness

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I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting. The craggy rock structures surrounding me were formed by the impact of the black moon, the one I would have held in my hands, had I followed the Commander's scenario. Tokyo-3 is in the distance, past my line of sight. My arms are outstretched, I am feeling the sun one last time. I'm feeling what it means to be human, for the last few minutes of my existence.

Maybe it's the fact that my body is even now starting to break down, but I feel a sense of unrealness, a little feeling that spoils the experience that I want to have one last time. I wish I knew for sure where this fuzzy feeling was coming from.

"Wondergirl." I spin suddenly, surprised almost to the point I fall backwards into open air, over the cliff. "The perfect obedient pilot." Her expression is stony, veiled, nothing like when we went to the mall. "You took Shinji away from me." Her shield cracks, as does her voice, for a moment. I see what I originally saw, the little girl that just wants to be loved, and though it heartens me to see that she is still there, it does not help me now.

"I leave him in your hands," I say to her.

"Not like this," she insists, furiously shaking her head once, her fists clenched. "Come back and fight me fair and square! Don't leave me like this." The pleading note in her tone doesn't help my resolve. "Don't leave me."

"I have to," I insist softly. I don't know how to make her understand, but I will do my best. To my surprise, she backs up, stepping carefully without looking. She turns her head away from me. "If I stay, everyone will be forced together, forced into something they don't want," I try to explain. It's like she doesn't hear me, and it's frustrating.

"You want to kill yourself," she murmurs, not meeting my eyes. "I can understand that."

If only she would listen and understand, I could explain. It doesn't matter. I can jump any time. I will stay for a while and try to talk to her. Before I can formulate another argument, a rustle draws my attention, and my heart jumps to my throat. He's just standing there, and his very presence can only bring more conflict.

"Don't try to stop me," I ask him plaintively. "Please don't try to stop me." Not even considering what Asuka might think of his presence, I doubt my ability to cogently argue with someone so close to me.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks me, and his innocent words and tone cut deeply.

"Because I'm happy," I say quickly, "and I want you to be happy too..." Even as the words leave my mouth I know they will be misunderstood. It was this that I was afraid of. I wait for more words from him, words that will pierce me like knives, words I have no defense against. He looks down at his feet, completely silent. The lack of response, I believe, hurts worse than words would have.

"You don't know what my true purpose really is," I say, silently imploring him to do or say anything, to give some sign that we are still communicating. "You don't know what I've been created to do." When I speak those words, I cringe, but I'm half-glad that he isn't responding. Perhaps he didn't hear that inadvertent admission.

"I'm not good enough..." he finally mumbles. "I can understand that."

"No, that's not it-" My voice breaks, and I take a shuddering breath. "Just... kill all the Angels, and you will be safe," I say quickly, while he might be listening. "As long as the Commander does not find my body within one week, everything will be alright." The words are like ashes in my mouth. On some level, he is right. If he were 'good enough', if I truly loved him as he loved me, why not keep going no matter what difficulties lie ahead? He doesn't know that in this case the difficulty is the mere dissolution of the world's population into telepathic slush. He doesn't know, and I can't articulate it to him in my current state. I don't know if I ever can. Even so, I must try, if only to prove that I do love him in my own way. Before I can open my mouth, I feel a soft touch on my back.

"Why are you all doing this to her?" Hikari is beside me, facing down the two in front of me. She turns to look at me, and the wish to understand is like an oasis, but only for a moment. "I'll admit, I'm afraid," she speaks hesitantly. "I don't know everything that's going on, but I know-"

"Let me explain...!" I implore her.

"No, it's okay!" she speaks quickly. "I realized something like this would probably happen eventually. I mean, you work with classified stuff." She looks away, swiping at the wetness at the edges of her eyes. "It's best I don't know," she mumbles sadly. "It just happened... sooner than I thought it would. I trust you, Rei!" she says suddenly, putting a hand on my shoulder, and forcing herself to look me in the eyes. "Whatever it is you know you need to do, I trust you."

She turns to go, her hand sliding from my shoulder, and I find myself lost and dazed. I know what I have to do, but the feelings I sought after are harming me, pushing me away from what I know is right. The other two turn and follow Hikari, and it is more than I can bear.

"No," I call, jogging after them, but I can't seem to catch up. "Don't leave me! Please..." My voice falters as I feel the intense irony in what I'm saying. "Please don't leave me," I finally whisper, falling to my hands and knees on the ground.

I want to follow them, beg them to stay with me to the end, but I can't. They're okay with this, each in their own way. So they misunderstood. It's okay, as long as they accept things. I may live on in their minds, fractured, incomplete, but I'm doing the right things here.

I'm convincing no one, least of all myself. I pick myself up, and turn, walking towards the cliff's edge.

My permanent death here will prevent suffering for them later. I carry this thought along, pushing myself onward. My steps turn from a walk, to a jog, and finally to a run, and I jump out into the open air, consigning myself to gravity.

Now free from the decision, now that it has been made, I have time to regret, to think, to remember. I remember the bad parts of my recent experience along with the good. Still, I am happy, I think. I made happy memories with my friends, for a short time. But that is over now, and the happiness only remains in my memory. Were I to live on, that memory would fade. Tears well from my eyes into the slipstream of my descent.

After a few moments, the rushing air's caress dries my tears, and enfolds me in an uncaring yet somehow comforting embrace. I slowly come to the realization that I did not find happiness with them externally, but the happiness came from within me. It is illogical, yet it has to be so. Illogical, because that could mean I could be happy at any time, regardless of the circumstances. It doesn't seem fair, but then neither does my desperate sadness. We did not go out and find happiness, Hikari and I. We generated it in ourselves.

The ground is undoubtedly near, and I laugh, a single brief explosion of air, soon dissolved in the rushing wind around me. It is ironic that such a momentous realization will only last as long as my journey. The feeling of laughter is strange, it provides a release to my emotions. It finally dawns on me, in the core of my being, that I am surely about to die. The one who was always denied death, who was always promised nothingness with a price, is about to get it free of charge. I laugh until tears again stream from my eyes. I close them, and wait for the final impact.

An abrupt change of direction startles me, but before I can gasp with surprise I realize it was not caused by the ground. I find myself suddenly borne up by safe strong arms.

As I and my savior rise up into the night sky, the three figures toiling along the ground below grow smaller with distance. The entire scene becomes like a matte painting, and I find myself shivering, though I can't seem to feel the wind anymore. The one carrying me pulls me closer, her hand on my head, her voice a soft lull in my ear.

"Sssh. Be happy, child, you passed the test. I can take you from this place. You won't die here."

It is Yui. I don't know how or why, but I know it's her.

"Was..." I find it difficult to control the shaking in my voice. "Was it real?" Yui doesn't answer. Her embrace is comforting, something I have rarely felt in my short lonely life. It is beginning to dawn on me that what I experienced must have been Instrumentality. I am inside Unit-01, somehow, though I don't feel Shinji. How is it that he is not in the Eva?

"Did the others see or experience any part of what I experienced?" I ask, even if she doesn't seem to be replying.

"That is for them to tell you," Yui finally answers, "the next time you see them."

"When will I see them?" I ask, experiencing a hope I rarely feel.

"That I do not know, but I promise you will. Be happy."

"How can I be happy," I protest, "not even knowing if it was in any way real?"

"I doubt anyone has ever told you this," Yui says with a chuckle, "but happiness comes from here." She touches my chest with a phantom hand. I fall silent. Even if no one told me that, I realized it during the fall. It shames me that I forgot it so quickly. I finally speak again, even though I feel as if I know the answer. Even thought the answer brings me sadness at lost opportunities.

"What I did with Asuka, with Shinji, could any of that have happened, in real life? If I had done... could..."

"Of course, child," Yui whispers. "Any of it could have happened."

I know I will have a lot to think about, whatever else may be in store for me. I appears I will have plenty of time to think.

It doesn't matter. All I can do now is travel the stars with Yui, and wait for the day when Shinji, and many others, will join us.