Alright so I reread the first chapter and decided it was pretty fucking funny and that Emmett is amazing and should come back, cut-off sweats and all.

So here are Edward and Emmett discussing sex right after Ed and Bella (I hate this bitch by the way. Actually, I hate everyone in the series, besides Emmett and Jacob before he became some dipshit puppy thing) raced home because OMG BABY.

I also hate Renesmee.

I hate the whole series.

But it's fucking funny.

Ride 'Em

It was a warm summer evening, the sun setting over the pine trees surrounding my home. I was reading my collected of the works of Edgar Allen Poe as Bella lay resting upstairs. I could picture her chestnut locks flung out around her angelic face, her perfect lips half-open, a small bit of drool pooling under her cheek. I was so enraptured in the thought of her sleep I didn't notice Emmett enter the living room until he spoke.

"Yo Ed," he grunted, taking a seat in an arm chair. I looked up from the line I was reading (Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore.") to glare at him.

"Yes, Emmett?" I asked. I was in no mood for his debauchery. Upstairs, Bella lay in pain, the demonic creature from my seed torturing her. If not for the voice of Poe I would have been in ruin from guilt and worry. Annabel Lee had left me in tears as I thought of my soul mate, yet they were cleansing tears. Tears that spoke of forgiveness Bella would bestow upon me I could never accept, knowing it was my greed that had-

"So, fucking..." Emmett began, snapping me out of my reverie. Immediately I became hostile.

"Don't you ever refer to intercourse as something so vile!" I snarled, snapping my book closed. "It is something special between two people that love each other, a physical representation of their undying love!"

Emmett didn't seem to react to my outburst, probably immune to my lecture. "Yeah, yeah, okay bro. But basically I was just checking up. I wanted to know if our old convo had helped you in the sack."

I thought back to the conversation a few weeks ago I had shared with Emmett and cringed. "Yes, I remember."

"Did it help?" he asked, suddenly eager. "Did you use my tips? Cowgirl? Did you go down? I know it can smell kinda funky but if she eats a lot of pineapple-"

"No Emmett, I did not put my mouth anywhere near my love's genitalia!" I screeched. "Now, if all you want is a vulgar summary of the amazing moment I shared with my one true love, my sun, my light, you will be disappointed!"

"Amazing?" he asked, picking up only what he wanted to hear. "Sex was amazing?"

I sighed. "Yes, Emmett, I enjoyed myself. Oh, I enjoyed myself too much!" I lamented, covering my face with my hands. "When she awoke, she was covered in bruises. And feathers! So many feathers!" I collapsed into sobs.

There was a pause, until Emmett finally said, "Bruises? Kinky."

"No Emmett! Not kinky!" I glared at him, tensing, trying not to fling out and pounce on him. "It was horrendous!"

He shrugged. "I dunno, maybe she's into that."

I pictured myself flying off of my windowseat and ripping him and his idiotic shirt (save water, shower with me) to pieces. "No, Emmett," I growled, "Bella is not into sadomasochism."

"You never know. She could be the kinky type." He sat back, his hands behind his head. "Yeah, I could see that. She has this girl-next-door thing going on, but she could be a low-key freak."

"Enough!" I bellowed. "You will not discuss my reason for living in this way! I would rather die a thousand deaths, if our doomed kind could, than hear you talk of her like this!"

Emmett raised an eyebrow (which I was pretty sure he got waxed). "Woah, calm down bro. No need to be so dramatic. But I'll stop. That's not even what I wanted to ask about anyway."

I took a breath to calm myself. "Alright, Emmett. Ask."

"Well, there are a few." He paused, and I nodded, signaling to him he could continue. "How was the blood factor?"

"I hardly noticed," I quipped.

"Alright. Did you do it cowgirl style like I said?"

"No," I answered. "Upon further research I found that several religions frown on sexual intercourse in any way but the natural way, so we refrained."

"Ah, see, no wonder she got bruises." He scratched at his chinstrap and continued. "Did she say it felt like a popsicle?"

"What?" I fumed.

"Well, you know, we're cold to humans. And what's colder and more dick-shaped than a popsicle?" he asked. I was at a loss for words. "Did she like it?" he prompted.

"Bella seemed to enjoy herself!" I snapped, revealing more information than I thought I would in defense of my manhood.

"You sure?" he asked. "Girls fake that shit."

"Enough, Emmett! This is enough. I will not have you insult my one true love and reason for being and then insinuate our time together was not perfect! I have nothing more to say other than goodnight." With that, I turned back to my book.

Emmett shrugged. "Shoulda done cowgirl."