Forgotten Vows and Deeper Meanings

A Dragon Age: Origins One Shot

(Author's Note: My obsession with Cullen is still blooming lol. Started a mage play through and had to do this. Hope you like!)

He blushed every time I waved hello to him. I've always been kind to the templars, despite how confining they make the tower feel. Watching our every move like a pack of hound dogs, hoping that we didn't do something too off hand. Making sure we didn't end up like so many have before us. Strength is key in becoming a mage. If you don't possess it, you are doomed from the start. I've lived here my entire life, yet Cullen seemed to be the only templar to ever blush in my presence. I've heard of templars breaking their vows before, but I never heard of the reasons. When I looked at Cullen, seeing his cheeks redden before forcing his gaze away from me, I think I understand. Temptation. It is stronger than any feeling in the entire world. To want something you can't have, it must be excruciating to not be able to touch when it's so very close to you. I don't know if I should feel flattered, or sorry for the poor man. I know that the templars are required to take their final vows, devoting their lives to the Chantry. That included some kind of celibacy. I understand the importance of such a vow, but I can't imagine its much fun for them, when you have many lovely mages running around. Especially when a certain blonde mage apprentice seemed to giggle at all of your jokes shamelessly. What can I say? I like the goofy ones. Once he gets passed the stuttering of course. I don't know when I fell for Cullen, but it had to be around the time I saw him staring at me when I was falling asleep in one of the libraries. I had been studying and when I woke, I had a cloak over my shoulders and the lamp blown out. Who else would attend to me so dutifully? Jowan? I think not. I thanked him the next morning but all he could do was nod and smile, before replying with a simple, "You're w-welcome, Jecca," before he turned away. I know that I tempt him, that if I pushed, I could destroy what he held dear to his heart. His duty. I didn't want to be the one to take something from him, but I can't help how he made me feel. Maybe one day, things would change, but I wasn't going to hold my breath, of course.

Then everything changed.

I leaned my head against Jowan's as he rested his head against my shoulder. The lecture was so incredibly boring; I thought I fell into a fit of repetition; where this lecture would last forever. Eventually, much to my relief, they senior enchanter released us and Jowan was the first to his feet. He exhaled and yanked me to my feet, shocking me awake. I knew that falling asleep during a lecture didn't look too kindly toward my advancement to the Harrowing, but I couldn't help it. Monotone made me sleepy.

"So I was thinking we would go bother Niall for a bit before we studied, what do you say, Jecca?" He asked, looking to me hopefully. I knew that Jowan has been trying to court me for some time now. It was sweet, and I loved Jowan, like a brother, but I wasn't interested in a relationship that went beyond that. I've told him that on several occasions, but like a hopeful puppy, he kept trying. It was endearing, but not enough to make me change my mind. I offered a sympathetic glance and I knew that he understood. He sighed, closing his eyes and nodded his head. "Of course. I will see you in the libraries later then." He offered before slipping out of the room. I sighed, looking at his fleeting form before deciding to leave as well. As I crossed the threshold, a hand grabbed a hold of mine. I looked up, my green gaze catching the edge of metal before my back was against a door and we slipped out of the corridor and into a darkened room. The door shutting echoed in the room before my lips were claimed by another's. I inhaled sharply as I looked to see who it was. My body shook with shock and awe when I saw Cullen's passionate, yet conflicted face. I soon regained myself and kissed him back, my hands resting against the front of his armor. His hands snaked around my waist and gripped the edges of my sides. What was he doing? I wondered as my back met the door again, only pinning me there to keep it shut. I would have complained about the cold, hard armor against my body, but that would have be foolish. After a few moments, the kiss ended as our noses slid across each other slowly. I opened my eyes first to see him standing there, completely still. I reached up, my hand touching his face gently with just my fingertips. He looked terrified.

"Cullen," I whispered gently to him, his eyes slowly opening. He looked down at me, shocked at his behavior. I knew that look. One he has given me many times before. The look that screamed I'm about to run.

"Jecca! I'm s-sorry! I—" He stammered and he turned to run, but I prevented him from getting past me to the door. I was still pressed against it. I looked up at him as he was forced to face me. I know what could have happened, what it would mean for him. Templars devoted their lives, which meant they had to sacrifice everything for the Chantry. Including all that they held dear in their past life. This was all Cullen had, and by kissing me, he could jeopardize all that he held close to him. It was difficult wanting to be with someone, but potentially being the reason he would lose everything. He was scared as he backed away from me, his gloved hands going to his head. He knew that he had done something wrong, but why did it have to be wrong? Just because it would be looked down upon?

"Cullen, please-" I started, but he was quick to cut me off.

"This isn't right! I'm-"

"You're what?! A templar? So what?" I said, stepping closer to him but I wasn't surprised when he took a few steps farther from me. I was risking his entire way of life, and what was I doing? Being selfish, like always. He looked away from me, grunting in disgust. I know I had offended him, and I regretted it. This may not be my first choice, but it was his way of life, and I was disrespecting it. "Cullen I didn't mean-"

"It aches being around you!" He blurted out, not a stutter to be found. I stared at him, my green eyes searching over his face to try and find an explanation. The confession was a mixture of many different things. I couldn't exactly pin point a specific thought, but I knew that something was forming here and it was heading for a crash course. I was certain of that. He stepped a bit closer to me, his eyes soft and deep as he held his hands out toward me. "I was so sure of my place in the world. Giving my life to the Chantry, being a templar, all of it!" He continued, stopping in front of me. He towered over me and I felt my back pressing back against the door as he stood so close to me. He looked torn as he stared down at me. I felt terrible for putting him in this situation, but I wasn't about to back out of it. He became rather flustered as he tried to find the right words to say to me. To make all of this go away, I would imagine. He didn't need this complication in his life. If not for the vows, for the rules of the Circle. Though, it's not entirely my fault in the matter, for it was he that took the shifts in which to guard my dorm. The other apprentices were talking, and I know that he was aware of it. We were breaking the rules and a part of me didn't care.

"Cullen, calm down!" I said rather loudly before grabbing the edges of his armor. He looked down at my hands, a bit nervous as I pulled him closer to me. I know that he was rather timid, that even if he was making the advances, that he was still shy. That kiss had taken a lot out of him, I could imagine, and I didn't want him to run off again. As wrong as it was, I didn't want to let him run off and this to be the end. I reached up, placing my palm against the side of his face, and I was happy to see him lean into my touch. Maker preserve us, I thought as he leaned down, resting his head against my shoulder. I looked off into nothingness, stroking the back of his head as he mumbled something to The Maker against my flesh before our lips met again.

I stepped into the Harrowing Chamber, my eyes falling directly to Cullen. Why was he in here? The look on his face made my stomach churn and how he looked away from me. Greagoir gave me the speech while Irving attempted to give me a little courage boost. I looked to the font before me, knowing that once I touched it, there was no going back. I took a final glance to Cullen as his eyes glistened. He was scared for me, for what he may have to do. I knew in that moment that he was my executor if I were to fail. If I became one of those, 'things', then the man that I loved would have to slay me. How ironic. He looked to the floor as his jaw tightened, his hand gripping the hilt of his blade. I had to pass. I had to survive.

When I woke from my trial, I had not expected to wake up to see Jowan beside me. It was a bit disappointing. I didn't know that these would be the last days at the Circle, despite my elevation to full mage. I wouldn't be here much longer. Still, I held a certain bounce to my step as I shed the apprentice robes and embraced that of my full mage attire. It felt softer against my skin. It wasn't long before I found Cullen, standing guard not far down the corridor. The look on his face was enough to make me laugh. The blush and the look of relief washed over him as I approached. He tried to explain himself, why he was in the Harrowing, but I looked to make sure no one was looking before placing my finger to his lips. He stopped completely, but gulping nervously at me. I was just glad that I managed to pass the ordeal and he didn't have to raise his blade to me. I simply smirk at him, and he responded with a nervous chuckle, but it was still sweet enough.

The Gray Wardens were in need of recruits, and after what happened with Jowan, I apparently proved myself to the leader, Duncan. Was I to be one of them now? Was I to go off and fight the darkspawn and become a glorious legend in the tales? I had been excited at first, before realizing what I was really giving up. I was to leave in the morning, off with Duncan to Ostagar. I had been gathering up a few of my things before a heard the sound of someone clearing their throat behind me. I turned to see Cullen standing there, his eyes on the floor as he rubbed the back of his head. His armor was no where to be seen and I realized this was usually the time he took his sleep for the evening.

"So you will be leaving tomorrow morning?" He questioned before forcing himself to look upon me. In that moment, I realized that I had to leave him here. I couldn't very well ask to bring him along. It wouldn't make sense to the other templars or to Irving for that matter. It would cause even more suspicion than there already was. I stepped from my pack, away from my bed as I slowly approached Cullen. I could see the sadness in his expression as he looked down at me. He didn't want me to leave and in that moment, I didn't want to leave either. I gave Duncan my word, however, and I was to leave with him. After an extended silence, Cullen wrapped his arms around me, his hand cradling the back of my neck. I wrapped my arms around his neck, chastising myself for doing this now. It had been impulsive and I had not stopped to think of the consequences of my actions. He pulled free from me and touched my face.

"Is there nothing I can say, to get you to reconsider?" He asked softly, his thumb moving against the edge of my jaw slowly. I shuddered gently, my hand moving to cover his gently. I simply shook my head in response, no words finding their way free from my lips. He sighed, closing his eyes as he pressed his forehead against mine. I finally had what I wanted and I was just going to walk out the door. I moved both of my hands to either side of his face, touching his skin. I wanted to remember the way his stubble felt against my touch, the warmth of his touch. I leaned up, kissing him deeply as I leaned my body into his. He ran his fingers through my hair, pulling me against him tighter than before. We got lost in the throws of passion as my back connected with the wall nearby, his body pinning me there. Vows or no vows, I knew that this was happening. I kissed him with all I had as he gripped my soft body. I pulled against his clothing, knowing that we could be caught at any moment. We were being sloppy, not careful, yet we didn't seem to care. I felt him slid his hands across my thighs, moving my robes away from them. Then it happened. I didn't know if he had ever done it before this moment, but it was as I looked down at him slowly. We moved together, our bodies as one for a time. I don't know how I could ever describe it, except that it belonged to us. And only us. Then, it ended with us both gasping. He rested his head against my chest, gripping my sides tightly. I ran my hands through his hair softly, holding him to me. He closed his eyes and didn't move as they stood there for a long time. It didn't matter to us if someone walked it. We were saying goodbye and taking what we desperately wanted from each other. Chances were, we'd never see each other again. Tears welled in my eyes as he sighed, pulling away from me and stroking my hair.

"I love you." He whispered softly to me, his face saddening steadily as he rested his head against mine. I ran my hand up his chest slowly, my face crumbling into defeat as I slammed my head against his chest. A sob left my lips as I cursed myself for doing this to me, to him. I wanted to take it back now, as Cullen stroked my hair gently and slowly. We were saying our farewells and I was that selfish apprentice all over again. I loved a man I couldn't have and I was giving away what we did have, to become a warrior. What was intelligent about that?

"I love you too."

I knew I would have had to come back here sooner or later. The treaties commanded it of us, but I knew that once I stepped a foot in there, things would be forever changed. I knew what was at stake, that I needed to help the Tower in order to stop the Blight. Without the Mages, we wouldn't succeed. But in finding out what had happened here since my departure, I was almost too afraid to go inside. I may have gotten away from the Tower, but Cullen hadn't. I left him here and now look at it? The templars can't seem to keep things under control and what is their solution? Cleansing. I wouldn't allow it. I sped through the tower with my band of companions, destroying any abomination that came into contact with us. I couldn't help myself as each templar body I came across, I touched him. I looked at his face and thanked the Maker that Cullen was never among them. The thought of finding him dead terrified me to the core.

Even after I thought the Tower would consume us, we managed to get to the top of the tower, heading toward the Harrowing Chamber. It was the last level, and I had not found him. He hadn't been down with the rest of the surviving templars, so was he dead and I just didn't find him? I shuddered, tears welling in my eyes as I pushed forward. I know that my friends noticed, but I pushed on. Then, upon entering the final length toward the chamber, there he was. Crouched in a magical cage, shaking. Alistair, my fellow Gray Warden, turned to see the look on my face. I rushed over to him, my staff moving to my back, my long blonde hair hanging in my face as I fell to my knees. My hands moved against the barrier, not hindering it in the slightest.

"Cullen!" I cried out, tears in my eyes as the barrier prevented me from touching him. He looked up, grunting as his eyes met mine. He cried out, looking away from me as he shook farther.

"No! Back, demon! I won't listen to your lies!" He shouted and it forced me to stare in shock and disbelief at him. He was so broken. I did this to him, didn't I? I left him here and this was what became of him. My palm pressed against the barrier as he continued to cry. "I won't believe these illusions. She's not here…You're not you…" He cried, his tone breaking. I shook my head as I tried to think of a way to comfort him. A way to get him to understand that it really was me.

"No, Cullen, it is me! You're safe now!" I whimpered, desperately clawing at the barrier. My magics were no match for this. This was Uldred's doing and he was tormenting him with memories of me. He looked up from the floor to finally meet my gaze again. Tears rolled down his face as he reached out, touching the barrier, his fingers spreading across the veil as they touched mine. He shook his head slowly, the both of us standing to look up at each other. I could feel my companions questioning this, knowing that this was deeper than they had realized. I looked back at them for a moment, a simple glance, but it was enough. Alistair looked away, his jaw stiffening at the scene before him. Leliana looked at with a sympathetic sadness, while Wynne stood her ground, as always. I looked back to Cullen, not wanting to address them at the moment.

"Jecca…" He whispered and I closed my eyes. He was safe, he was alive, but had the damage already been done? He looked to the chamber, shaking his head as he tried to regain himself, but I sensed coldness about him. He wasn't the same man I left here. He explained what Uldred had done to his men, his friends, and tried to convince me to kill everyone up in that tower. The hatred in his tone, the agony in his eyes. He wanted me to kill my people, as if he didn't see me as a mage myself. I looked up into his eyes, my lips quivering as I looked over the barrier that concealed him. I lost him. I stepped away from the barrier, shaking my head at his pleas. I didn't kill innocent people. I would not destroy them on suspicion. I looked to Cullen as I refused to oblige him and in that moment, I knew I had lost him forever. As we moved up into the Harrowing Chamber, he called out to me before we disappeared behind the door.

"I hope your compassion hasn't doomed us all." As I stepped into the door, tears trembled down my face. I would never know his love again. What we shared was passed, and the templar that I loved was no more. He was replaced with a hollowed out man; filled with rage and disgusting hatred. Perhaps I am to blame, for it was he who begged me to stay. Even as the crisis was ended, Uldred lie dead at our feet, it didn't matter to him. I left the tower, his eyes on me the whole time as we went. I wiped blood from my lip as I moved toward the exit, my eyes downcast as I tried not to look at him. However, my heart got the best of me as I turned my gaze to him and he was shaking his head. He bit his lip and turned away, his eyes looking to the floor.

I was forced to remember a time when that would have made me melt. A time when I knew nothing else but the Circle and him. He looked back at me, his eyes saddened as he leaned against the pillar. My hand slid down the edge of the door as I stared back at him. I didn't want to leave him here again, not like this. But I felt a warm hand clasp over mine and pry my fingers from the door's edge. Alistair held my hand in his as he led me away from the doors as they slammed shut on Cullen's heartbroken face. My love was left at the doorstep of the Tower. For it only belonged there now.