A/N: Hey there, it's been awhile. I would blame college for my absence, but that wouldn't be entirely true, only partly true. Sorry about any and all mistakes. I was too lazy to proofread closely. In fact, some of it I didn't proof at all. I'm too fed up with the chapter to be bothered.

Oh, I would suggest that you reread the last chapter just to brush up on what the devil is going on. There are some mildly relevant details in that chapter that play a role in this one.

By the way, I can't really manage to reply to all the reviews I get anymore. It sucks up a lot of time from my day, and time is something I'm rather short of nowadays. My apologies. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate every single one of you. If you ask a question or make it obvious that you would like to be replied to, I would be more than happy to do so. I just have a feeling that there are plenty of people who could care less about being responded to. If you are one of those people and have no wanting to be replied to, I would just like to extend my sincerest gratitude to you for taking time from your life to drop me a comment. It is a great compliment to a writer to know he or she has inspired comments from his or her readers, whether positive or negative, and you have my deepest thanks for it. If you do want a reply, just let me know. I'm always happy to oblige.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mai Hime/Otome.

You would think that a teenage girl would be able to confess that she might-possibly-conceivably-perhaps-maybe have a crush on an extremely-attractive individual without having to cause herself bodily harm in the process.

You would think wrong.

No shit, there I was: On Shizuru's bed, post kiss, feeling much more confident than I had in the backyard being chased by that domesticated monster; totally ready to spill my guts.

Or so I thought.

I was going to articulate this awesome speech. Some bullshit you see in those chick flicks about her personality (hah, personality; as if anyone cares) and how her mesmerizing eyes drowned me like two pools of passion, then, as all my love reached the top of my "love glass" and started to overflow, courage would fill my being and I'd not be able to stop myself from pleading with her to date me. With the unshed tears of newly-requited love brimming her eyes (like two pools of passion) she'd say yes, and we'd have crazy, hot sex in which her parents would walk in, but not stop us, and just hold each other lovingly saying, "aw, look at our daughter. She's so in love." Cause that's how confessions go, right? That's what Hollywood taught me.

As I was sounding the very first syllable, I realized that the world doesn't work that way, and I lost my nerve-damn movie land ruining my romancing. So, all that came out was an "aye~…" that was carried off into the corners of Shizuru's otherwise silent bedroom. Yeah, what the hell, right? I was having a bit of trouble telling Shizuru that I didn't just like fucking her and being fucked by her, but I wanted to extend this beyond the fucking and perhaps have some more meaningful relations with her along with the fucking.

The order of events seems a bit reversed, doesn't it?

Anyway, so where does bodily harm come into the picture? Right after making strange pirate noises in my attempt to begin a sentence comes the part where I started punching myself in the forehead in some delusional attempt to knock what I wanted to convey from my brain, out my ear, and into her lap. Normal, perfectly-sane people do that all the time. Sadly, however, it didn't work. But it was worth the attempt, because in Natsuki land shit like that's a daily occurrence.

Deciding to focus on the fact that I looked ridiculous attempting to knock myself out by punching myself in the temple, rather than paying any attention whatsoever to what I was saying, I quickly blurted out what I was thinking in the basest words possible. "Sex was great. Wanna date?"

I shit you not, I said that. Smooth, right? Take note, Shakespeare, your better has arrived.

Shizuru looked… shocked. Which was scary as fuck. She didn't expect that, which meant she hadn't been thinking it, which meant she didn't feel the same way, which means she's gonna say no, which means I'm gonna get rejected, which means she's gonna throw me out the window to her dog, which means that I'm gonna be eaten alive, which means that I'm gonna die, which means I'll never be able to put laxatives in Nao's food again. Obviously, I know what's important in life.

"Sure…" she replied slowly, seeming at a loss.

Wait what? I wasn't being thrown out? And she said yes?

Yeah! She said yes!

Talk about epic confessions of love and adoration! Who the fuck needs to be eloquent when asking this girl out and being accepted required a total of six words. Fuck you, Romeo. Wherefore art thou fancy speeches now, mother fucker?

The words had tumbled from Shizuru's lips despite the shocked look on her face, and now I had a shocked look to match hers. Man, we're just a picture perfect couple.

"Uh…" so what was I supposed to say? I was expecting to have to beg and grovel, maybe give her a nice hand job before tearing a yes from her. I was terribly disappointed there appeared to be no need for a hand job. "Great!" Jesus, I'm just a wordsmith.

"But…" Shizuru began.

Oh damn, a 'but'. She was about to demand I stop riding my motorcycle because it's too "dangerous" or tell me I had to meet her parents now. Maybe that hand job would be a necessity after all. They've been excellent for getting me out of the shit I don't wanna do in the past.

"There is a little problem…" she continued

I barely suppressed a sigh as I rolled up my sleeve and flexed my "pleasuring fingers". Might as well get ready.

"Your life might be in mortal danger."

Wait… what?

"…The fuck… do you mean… my life might be in mortal danger?" I asked slowly, mid finger-flex.

She was kidding, right? She had to be kidding. That's ridiculous.

The look in those red eyes was dead serious. She wasn't kidding.

So what do I say? The most sarcastic thing I can come up with. "Don't tell me, I saw this movie. I have to go out to sea and get captured by pirates, come back years later, save you from a midget and his two cronies, fight off a mutated rat while you stand there and look scared and be useless, get tortured and pretty much die in the dungeon-stump of an old tree, get revived, then rescue you again from a crazy king dude before we can ride off into the sunset and make out?"

Shizuru lifted a brow and looked at me, trying to hide her amusement behind her annoyance.

"Off the mark?" I asked

"Do me a favor and just shut up for a few seconds," she replied, though the bite was stolen by her smile.

"Yes ma'am."

"I would've told you earlier," Shizuru explained evenly, straightening her face now that I'd finally dammed my endless flow of sarcasm, "but I honestly didn't expect you to confess to me so quickly. I took you to be more emotionally dense than this."

"…Thanks for that." Though if I was being honest with myself she wasn't far off the mark. Not that I was being honest with myself at the time. Seemed as if there would be no hand jobs tonight. Reluctantly, I put my weapons of mass destruction (read: my fingers) away. I can only stop my snide remarks for so long, however, so I continued, "okay, rock my world. What's the deal? Are sparkly vampires chasing you cause you smell pretty? Am I expected to turn into a big hunky werewolf and fight them off?" Well, she does smell good and I am pretty hunky, so that wasn't entirely out of the question.

Ruby eyes took on a distant look and started to ever so subtly twinkle.

"Oh god, don't tell me you read those books," I groaned.

"I've… dabbled."

"You're into bestiality, aren't you?" I asked.

"Just because I think Natsuki would be irresistible as a werewolf doesn't mean I'm into animals. It just means you would have fantastic abs," Shizuru shot back, a smile on her face. "I would refuse to bed you unless you were a human. I don't even know the first thing about the female wolf anatomy, it would be exceedingly difficult to please you."

"Hey, I have great abs! And a great anatomy!" Cause that made sense. Go me.

"Yes, you do," Shizuru purred, her red pools darkening to crimson. Next thing I knew she was pinning me to her bed, her teeth grazing at my neck.

Maybe there was still hope for that hand job after all!

Her nose grazed my neck as she took in the scent of my skin. I vaguely noted that the way she started to nip at my jugular reminded me of a vampire. But hey, if she wanted to do some supernatural role playing, I wasn't saying no.

She nearly growled after a few bites when she forced herself away from my very-welcoming neck. "As much as I would love to show you how well I know your great anatomy," she murmured into my ear, "this really is important. Stop distracting me with this fantastic body of yours."

No hand job?

She got up off of me.

Damn it. No hand job.

I was severely disgruntled and groaned in disappointment as her heated body left mine. I wanted to grab her and yank her back down, but thoughts of "your life might be in mortal danger," stopped me cold. I was at her house… in her bed… with her parents only a few walls away. There were much more pressing matters to attend to.

Which makes it that much more hot!

As she attempted to get into a sitting position I jumped at her, and ended up tackling her back onto the bed. She gasped and fell back just before my teeth made contact with her collar bone. Her body let out an unrestrained shiver and she moaned out the pressure it created. It was delicious.

"Na- ah! Natsu… ki," she whimpered out as hands wandered about her body and teeth grazed across her neck, making little red trails to the top of a breast. Just from the way her body was hypersensitive to everything I did, I could tell she was as hot and bothered with my presence as I was with hers. "This is… important," she managed to protest. Seeing I wasn't stopping, she hissed out a strained breath before pushing me up with a sudden burst of strength.

To say I was surprised she had the presence of mind to stop me would be an understatement, and to say I was disappointed about it would've been a much bigger one.

"I said to stop distracting me," the seductress said-no moaned-as she sat back up, her chest heaving. She shivered one last time to get the last spasm of pleasure out of her body before putting on her game face.

Just seeing the way I affected her made me aroused. Why'd we have to stop? "Not my fault…" I grumbled out, pouting despite myself. I felt like the kid whose hand was slapped away from the boob-shaped candy jar. I really wanted to rock that girl. Her camisole was just a tad too tight and a tad too short for me not to be tempted to alert her parents of my existence by way of erotic screams and banging of the headboard against the wall.

Deciding that the sooner we finished with her foreboding warning, the sooner we got it on (because I was getting it on with her tonight, damn it), Shizuru shifted away from me to sit more comfortably on the bed and faced me. Her eyes stared into mine with such an undressing look that I vaguely wondered if she was actually still on top of me, and not sitting across the bed. I shifted up into a sitting position and nearly sighed when I realized that she was indeed off me. As my attention went back to her, she began. "There's this crazy girl-"

"Mai crazy?" I interrupted, suddenly very afraid.

"Beyond Mai crazy."

I grimaced. "There's that much crazy in the world?"

"Just you wait. You'll meet her, I'm quite sure."

"I'm not sure I can handle that much crazy in my life."

"Do you ever want to have sex again?"

Most ridiculous question I've ever heard, "like a drag queen wants glitter."

"Then I have a feeling you'll have to do much more than 'handle' her." She remarked blandly. "Her name is Tomoe Marguerite, and she's been stalking me for four years now. She has chased off or mortally wounded roughly 45 of my possible suitors. Thankfully, she's not in the area… as far as I know, but I wouldn't put it past her to run away from home to come find me."

"Uh…" there was only one thing that stood out to me in that whole warning. "You've had 45 suitors?"

"Natsuki! Mortally wounded! Did you hear nothing?"

"I did, I did! It's just that this Marguerite chick can't be that bad. I think you're exaggerating a bit."

"She's the reason we moved here…"

"Oh… well that happens all the time. Bullies and shit like that, you know?"

"Natsuki… she's also the reason why we own a genetically enhanced dog and a shotgun…. We moved because those things didn't work."

I knew there was something unnatural about that dog! "Doesn't the government give out restraining orders for this sort of thing?" I asked.

"I have one…."

"Oh, perfect. Problem solved."

"I woke up one morning to find the paper in ashes."

"…It could've spontaneously combusted."

"The ashes were arranged into a heart shape."

A very long pause. "Wind," I proposed. "A very creepy, stalkerish wind."

"Natsuki…."

"What? She likes fire and knows how to break into houses. If you don't like shit like that then why the hell are you willing to date me?"

Shizuru huffed a sigh. It was time for her to pull out the big guns. "She thinks you're as flat-chested as a floor board and constantly tells me that your ass is fat and might swallow me up one night."

"That bitch is going down!" I roared. This means war! My ass is proportional to the rest of my body, and my chest isn't that small! It's just cause I work out! "Wait, how does she know about me?"

"Facebook creeping."

"Figures."

Shizuru settled back a bit, relaxing ever so slightly with the knowledge that she finally had me rallied against Marguerite. "Just watch out. She might try something. She always sends death threats before she strikes; I assume you haven't gotten any yet?"

I shook my head to the negative.

"Good. She doesn't bother you unless you get in her way. Unfortunately, just by being around me, you're in the way. A problem with her is immanent, but when it happens, tell me." She practically hissed out the next words, sounding venomous indeed. "I know how to handle her." Just from talking about the woman, a dangerous aura was coming off Shizuru in waves.

Damn, pissed Shizuru is hot. I nearly shivered at the tone and had to shake my head to get my senses back. That's when I realized that my pride was being inadvertently threatened. I didn't need protecting! "I can take her," I protested. "I'm not scared of some creeper."

The face before me flashed with something I couldn't quite place. I knew there was some annoyance there, but had I spotted a flash of… affection? She was about to reply when another voice cut through the air, stopping us cold

"Shizuru!"

Shit, her father!

I literally jumped a foot into the air and landed clinging to the other girl's leg like a wuss. That's definitely an image that inspires confidence. Didn't need protecting indeed, way to make your argument, Kruger. Apparently, I'd been too loud in my defense.

"I heard someone up there! How many times do I have to chase women out of this house?" I could hear the stomping sounds of the serial killer making his way up the stairs. At that moment I realized that if Shizuru's stalker didn't kill me, Shizuru's father would.

Funny how all my problems start with Shizuru and end with '-er'. Though the '-er' may be irrelevant… whatever.

But wait, this had happened before? Jealousy coursed through me. I thought I was the only one dumb enough to break into a crazy man's home to try to bed his temptress of a daughter! Damn it, there goes my originality.

"The window!" Shizuru hissed under her breath, already jumping to it and yanking the screen off with what I could now recognize as practiced ease.

My eyes narrowed as I scrambled up to the window. "How often do you do this?" I asked suspiciously. Was the player being played?

"Kick women out of my bedroom? Constantly."

I nearly growled.

"Kiss the women I'm kicking out goodbye?" She suddenly grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me in for a rough, quick kiss. "Never," she whispered against my lips and she pulled away. Her crimson orbs burned into mine. There was a silent plea that I didn't understand behind them. When she voiced what caused the trepidation in her gaze, I was surprised that anything but confidence could even take hold in Shizuru Viola. "You… still want to see me despite what I've told you?"

The stomping suddenly changed from the cadence of climbing to the cadence of moving down the hall towards Shizuru's bedroom.

I dragged her in for another kiss. "I wouldn't give up the chance even if you had an army of bloodthirsty stalkers." I whispered after pulling back.

She flattered me with a awe-inspiring smile. And I put that smile on her face all by myself. Kissing her made me feel dumbly loopy. So much so that I nearly hit my head like some drunkard as I tucked out of the window. I heard a hushed, "good night," from Shizuru as she closed the window behind me. I waved back, a smirk on my face, before I began to scurry away. Sneaking across that roof made me feel remarkably similar to a rodent trying to avoid the cat.

A few seconds after breaking immediate line of sight from Shizuru's room I heard muffled voices coming from the closed window. I hopped up to the next level of the roof. It was just a few feet above the window, but it served my purpose of staying out of sight just fine. I didn't get up a second too soon, either, since I heard the window I'd just jumped from open and saw her father look around suspiciously a moment later. I ducked from view and held my breath, hoping that he wouldn't hear my pounding heartbeat. I could've walked all the damn way home by the time that mistrustful asshole had finally pulled his ugly head back inside and closed the window.

The mouse had escaped the cat, metaphorically speaking. Literally speaking, not so much. Remember the garage door left partially open? I didn't.

Shizuru's outdoor cat chose that moment to make itself known and pick up where the dog left off on top of that roof.

To my credit, I saw him leaping at me when he was in midair. I started to let out a denial in the form of growling, "fuck my life!" All I got out, though, was, "fuck maaaah-" before my head was buried in a frenzy of fur and primal hatred. Because who ducks out of the way of a threat when you can just look at it and drop an eff bomb? Another thing I learned from the movies.

I yelped and shook my head violently, trying and failing to dislodge my tormenter. Instead, it just made the beast latch onto my face with his claws and hold on for his nine lives. It hurt like a bitch. Feeling the pains of my failure all too well, I instead attempted to grab him and throw him off me, but he just bit my hand as I reached for him.

"Holy shit! If you have rabies I'm gonna be so pissed!" I barked at him as I continued to try to dislodge him and continued to be warded off by the threat of a painful bite.

After a minute of getting fucked up by a creature of roughly 15 pounds (it was a fat cat) I finally became so desperate that I stumbled into a kneeling position and rammed my feline-covered face into the shingling of the roof. The cat was intelligent enough to tear away from me a second before impact when he realized my intentions. I was not intelligent enough to stop my momentum when my vision was no longer blocked by calico fur. My face hit the surface with a resounding thump.

It hurt. I seriously thought I broke my nose. I just knelt there, my arms supporting me and my face pressed into my girlfriend's roof, groaning in pain for a minute. If cats could laugh, I'm pretty sure this fucker was rolling from it. I finally regained my presence of mind when I felt claws of fiery fury digging into my pants leg. With a yelp I scrambled up and, effectively stupid with pain, tried to jump around and shake my mortal enemy off my leg at the same time. You can imagine how my heart dropped when I jumped up and, upon "landing", when I expected to feel roof, I felt nothing but air.

I swear, the end of that roof just snuck up on me.

I flailed in midair, attempting vainly to fly, but silly me forgot to pack my wings. I always do that! Seriously, that was ridiculous. Why the fuck was I flailing? That's the last thought I had before I slammed into one of the hedges and rolling off it onto the lawn, facedown. I rolled onto my back and groaned in pain.

"That sucked a bunch," I informed no one in particular. From my position on the ground I could see the lip of the roof, and only then realized that the cat had released me just before I plummeted to my doom. There he sat, tail curled casually around his front paws as his plump ass sat on that roof. He looked down at me with eyes that bespoke of triumph. "I hate you." Telling him that was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn't.

The dog in the backyard began to bark, and I took that as my queue to get the hell out before Shizuru's dad found me and shot me.

I can't say I'm entirely proud to announce that I ran away from a fat, old calico cat that night, my tail tucked firmly between my legs. I am, however, much more proud to say when I collapsed on my bed, still dressed in grass-stained clothes, a stupid smile was on my face. After all, I was now a taken woman. Sure, I didn't get any that night, I thought, but there would be plenty of time for that in the future.

As I passed out, it didn't even occur to me that that had been a thought that toed the line of accepting commitment.

A/N: Is that a semblance of plot I see on the horizon? Say it ain't so!

By the way, don't try this at home kids. You'd probably not walk away from it in as pristine condition as Natsuki did.