DEIDARA: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the respective characters. Credit must be given to Theresa Green who pioneered the format of the "Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" series.

A/N: I honestly thought I would never write another of these. "Deidara" has been lying dormant on my PC for close to two years, and I suddenly had the urge to finish it lately. So, my deepest apologies to everyone who has been waiting for this. With that, here is my ninth Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual: read, and enjoy to your heart's content.

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CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a DEIDARA unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Iwa Bomber, read the following manual with care as misuse of the DEIDARA could result in third-degree burns.

Technical Specifications

Name: Deidara (AKA "Deidara-senpai" or "Dei-chan". Will also respond to "Blondie" and "Hey, baby" –please note this nickname must be accompanied by wolf-whistle – and "Is That Dynamite In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?")

Age: 19

Place of Manufacture: Iwagakure, the Hidden Rock Village.

Height: 166 cm or 5'5''

Weight: 50.8 kilograms or 112 lbs

Blood Type: AB

Length: Guaranteed to bring explosions into your life, un!

Your DEIDARA comes with the following accessories:

One Iwa Hitai-ate©

One Pair Navy Blue Sandals

One Shade Hat with bells/chimes (ribbons optional)

One Akatsuki® Cloak

One Sei Akatsuki® Ring (worn on the index finger of his right hand)

One Ninja Utility Pouch (containing explosive clay)

One Beauty Therapy Kit (for hair and facial purposes)

One Bottle Purple Nail Polish

WARNING: the clay contained in the beauty therapy kit is not to be confused with the explosive clay packaged in the ninja utility pouch accessory. The manufacturers will not take responsibility for any property damage and/or fatalities that occur as a result of mixing the clay.

Removing your DEIDARA from his box

Approach the box with extreme caution as the contents are tremendously volatile and could explode with the lightest touch. You will need a bomb defusing kit —which should have been delivered separately from your DEDARA— before opening the protective seal and uncovering the control panel that keeps the box closed. Given the nature of the DEIDARA, this control panel is not sealed with a code or card-key: instead, it has been fitted with a timed bomb. From the time that the seal is broken, you have approximately sixty seconds to safely remove your new unit from the box before the bomb detonates.

The important thing to remember is not to panic. Sixty seconds is plenty of time to defuse a bomb (just ask any DEIDARA how easy it is!). Simply select the proper tool, directed by the step-by-step picture guide, and carefully snip the red wire.

CAUTION: Snipping the blue or green wires will result in an explosion likely to reduce your home to rubble. The manufacturers will not take any responsibility for incidents caused by not following the given instructions.

Once the wire has been cut, the timer on the detonator will freeze, and can then be safely disposed of in your nearest waste disposal facility or your kitchen bin. It is then safe to remove your DEIDARA from the box, where an enthusiastic "un" will promptly greet you!

While your new DEIDARA is busy criticising your shoddy bomb disposal or slamming your taste in interior decorating, give him a sharp whack on the back of his head when he's not looking. This will allow you to access his programming and ensure that he will never try to sneak a bomb spider down the back of your neck.

Programming

Your very own S-Rank Criminal has been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximise your own benefit and pleasure:

Performance Artist: Unlike the UCHIHA ITACHI model, the DEIDARA has genuine artistic talent, and specialises in performance art. With his trademark 'art is a bang!' and inspired sculpting ability, the DEIDARA unit is perfectly suited for entertaining guests at your home and providing amusement for small children. CAUTION: if the DEIDARA is entertaining small children, we advise providing him with normal clay and confiscating his exploding clay to avoid any unfortunate accidents.

Pilot: Cheap, efficient travel is not only a dream with your Iwa Bomber, but a reality! All DEIDARA units come equipped with the scroll needed to recreate giant clay birds fully capable of flight. Your DEIDARA will also happily adjust the size of the bird on request, allowing you to travel comfortably on your own or when accompanied by friends or family.

Hair Stylist: With his own head of long silky locks, the DEIDARA unit is fully accustomed to washing, brushing and arranging hair, and can cope with all hair types. While his own style may seem limited to ponytails, your Iwa Bomber is actually equipped with knowledge of many different hairstyles; making it easier for you to open a salon from home and earn some extra cash with your DEIDARA!

Photographer: Always missing that Kodak moment? Well, capturing precious moments has never been this easy. Your DEIDARA will arrive complete with a state-of-the-art digital camera (conveniently located in his left eye for easy storage) and enough memory to last a lifetime.

Your DEIDARA will come with the following modes:

Excitable

Art Critic (default)

Professional Bomber

Kamikaze (locked)

Slash

Out of Character (locked)

Owners must be wary at all times of the Kamikaze mode, unlocked when your DEIDARA encounters a Shippuuden version of the UCHIHA SASUKE. Your DEIDARA will not survive this fight, and we advise avoiding contact with these units as much as possible. If, however, contact is unavoidable –such as an UCHIHA SASUKE living in your neighbourhood– we advise accessing the Out of Character mode to dissuade him from blowing himself to pieces to (unsuccessfully) kill an UCHIHA SASUKE.

The Out of Character mode can be accessed by confiscating all art equipment and materials. In little more than a week, your DEIDARA will be a broken man, however, it will be ridiculously easy to subdue him and access his programming (if the opposite occurs, and your unit goes berserk, please refer to the FAQ). Alternatively, the UCHIHA ITACHI can employ his Sharingan© to force the DEIDARA into his Out of Character mode.

PLEASE NOTE: Though many owners will dislike this treatment, the fangirls will have to use it – forcing the DEIDARA into his OOC mode is the only way in which fans will be able to observe their units in the 'crack' relationships that fangirls thrive on.

Relations with Other Units

SASORI: The former partner of the DEIDARA, he is regarded by your Iwa Bomber as "danna", or "master" (and do get those kinky thoughts out of your head before we continue). A shinobi of Suna prior to his exile from the village, the SASORI was recruited into Akatsuki and partnered the DEIDARA until his death. Your DEIDARA will not fall into a deep depression when this happens, so expect no excessive bouts of angst. Their relationship will have moderate moments of tension, particularly when a dispute over artistic opinion arises (for further information regarding how to deal with this, please refer to the FAQ).

TOBI: Do not be alarmed if your DEIDARA frequently attempts to strangle TOBI units. This is his method of 'team-building' or 'bonding' as the TOBI replaces the SASORI in your unit's professional (and possibly also personal – as in the 'OMG THEY ARE LIEK SO DOING IT!' kind of personal) life. Once the DEIDARA accepts TOBI, he will adopt more of a teacher position and genuinely come to care for him. Underneath all the abuse, of course.

UCHIHA ITACHI: Your DEIDARA is a bit, er, touchy when it comes to UCHIHA ITACHI units since the ITACHI forced him into joining Akatsuki. He will continue to hold a grudge against the ITACHI (and indeed all those of the Uchiha clan) as he believes that all Sharingan© eyes look down on his abilities. For the safety (and sanity) of your DEIDARA, it is advised that owners limit and supervise all contact with UCHIHA ITACHI units, unless your unit is in Out of Character mode.

PEIN: Ever on the lookout for hot new talent, the PEIN took an interest in the DEIDARA and his professional bombing skills and recruited him for Akatsuki. Now, your DEIDARA works under him as a mercenary, lending his explosive talents to serve the Akatsuki and their cause. Which is, er, world peace through violent means and war? Yeah. Because that just makes perfect sense.

KAKUZU: This surly shinobi is an invaluable resource to your Iwa Bomber. Has your beloved unit had a limb blown off by a certain Kazekage or sent into an alternate dimension by the infamous Copy Nin? Simply have a KAKUZU sew it back onto his body and the limb will be good as new!

SABAKU NO GAARA: Unfortunately for the Fifth Kazekage, he also the vessel of Shukaku the One-Tailed Beast and thus the target for all DEIDARA units. Expect your DEIDARA to immediately attack any and all SABAKU NO GAARA units he encounters. He will also bully the GAARA by threatening his village, i.e. whatever neighbourhood the GAARA currently lives in. If your neighbourhood happens to be frequented by SABAKU NO GAARA units, it is highly advisable that you force your unit into Out of Character mode to prevent your neighbourhood from being reduced to rubble, and to stop your Iwa Bomber from kidnapping GAARA units. On the other hand, if you always wanted a GAARA, you merely need to step in before he is handed over to a PEIN unit. A bit of quick talking might convince your DEIDARA that a GAARA is a useful and pleasant addition to the household. (And please note that we said might. It is not guaranteed that your DEIDARA will accept your explanation.)

UCHIHA SASUKE: Your DEIDARA will always find these units intolerable because of their ignorance of true art. In his effort to prove that his art is superior and invincible, the DEIDARA will slip into Kamikaze mode and turn his own body into a human bomb. Ultimately, the plan will fail, so it is imperative that you keep your DEIDARA away from all UCHIHA SASUKE units.

Cleaning

DEIDARA units should never look unsightly, and since they have a tendency to spend many hours working with clay, they require meticulous cleaning and grooming as well as a wide array of skin and hair products to keep hair and skin supple and silky. NOTE: while fully independent, your unit may demand additional attention. We suggest you give it to him.

WARNING: the manufacturers will not be held responsible for any marital or relationship disputes that arise from cleaning a DEIDARA unit. How you interpret 'additional attention' is completely up to you.

Feeding

Your DEIDARA unit will require three balanced meals per day, with healthy snacks in between meals. It is advised that you include Vitamin E supplements to maintain a smooth and unblemished complexion. Treats are allowed, provided they are kept to a minimum. If your unit demands more sweets, give him a different kind of treat, such as a trip to an art gallery or a massage.

Rest

God forbid your DEIDARA should ever develop unsightly bags under his eyes, so ensure that he receives a minimum of ten hours sleep per night to keep him looking fresh.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I love my new DEIDARA, but ever since I unpacked him, he has been going around saying "yeah" constantly.

A: Just like the UZUMAKI NARUTO, the DEIDARA model possesses a unique speech pattern. Whether it is as annoying as "believe it" is up to you, but all DEIDARA units are programmed with the same speech habits, the only difference being actual language: Japanese models, for example, respond with "un" while the UZUMAKI NARUTO units respond with "dattebayo".

Q: The mouths on my DEIDARA's hands keep leering and sticking out their tongues at me, and my DEIDARA just thinks it's funny. How do I get him to behave?

A: It is difficult to threaten your DEIDARA with punishment – see, as a member of Akatsuki he really has no reason whatsoever to be afraid of you. Nor will bribing him to be good work. The DEIDARA is quite cunning and will mercilessly manipulate you into doing everything that he wants. The quickest method is using an UCHIHA ITACHI to intimidate him, but the preferred method is to acclimatise yourself favourably to the company of a SASORI: the Puppeteer is the only unit your DEIDARA will openly respect, and he will treat you better if he sees that the SASORI likes and respects you.

Q: My DEIDARA would look absolutely adorable in pigtails and a dress! Is there any way I can convince him to wear it?

A: Not unless you want a bomb spider planted in your bed. But, if you really want to see your DEIDARA in that kind of get-up (and it would be kind of kinky), we suggest putting your unit into Out of Character mode (See above for details on how to access this mode).

SIDE NOTE: We think a schoolgirl uniform would look particularly cute…

Q: My DEIDARA and SASORI keep getting into fights over art appreciation. All the conflict is tearing me apart inside, how can I get them to co-exist peacefully?

A: There are two methods to resolving this conflict: firstly, purchasing the PEIN unit will ensure that order is immediately restored in your household. All DEIDARA and SASORI models will yield to this stronger unit and would not dare cause trouble under his roof. Secondly (and this is the method preferred by fangirls), put them both into Slash mode and lock them in a bedroom. The sparks of sexual tension should fly during their next argument, and teach them to make love, not war.

Q: I confiscated all art equipment and materials to try and get my DEIDARA into OOC mode, but instead of becoming subdued and submissive, he went berserk and is now rampaging around the neighbourhood!

A: Uh-oh. Given the volatile nature of the DEIDARA, this can happen. By following these steps, you can resolve this crisis:

The most important thing is to calm your unit and attempt to placate him by returning all confiscated material and equipment. Secondly, apologise properly. This entails going down on your hands and knees, forehead pressed to the ground. Beg his forgiveness. Once he is satisfied (and we warn you that this could take a while) and returns home, arrange for an UCHIHA ITACHI to pay him a visit and rearrange his head to your liking with his Sharingan©.

Q: My DEIDARA is simply too pretty to be with a girl!

A: So give him a man then. No male partner will ever complain that the DEIDARA is too pretty for them.

Troubleshooting

Problem: Your DEIDARA came home covered in sand and missing an arm.

Solution: Evidently he was commanded by a PEIN unit to capture a GAARA and given his state it is obvious that he failed to do so (a pity, as the GAARA model is a nice addition to any household). The severed arm can be stitched back with the aid of a KAKUZU. Note: regardless of whether the KAKUZU belongs to you or not, he will require payment for this service. Failure to do so may result in absurdly high interest rates or a painful death.

Problem: You heard a loud explosion outside and when you went to investigate, your DEIDARA had vanished.

Solution: Most likely he encountered an UZUMAKI NARUTO and HATAKE KAKASHI and went into hiding. If you have a sandbox, or else a large pile of sand has appeared in your backyard, your unit is most likely hiding underneath it. Grab a spade and help dig him out, or simply activate the nifty Akatsuki Summoning Jutsu© to have pop up beside you.

Final Note

Though highly strung and sensitive, your Iwa Bomber will grow up to be prettier than any boy (or girl, for that matter) and will possess an exceptional talent for art and a penchant for explosives. With that in mind, you will be blessed with a lifetime of mind-blowing excitement and devotion with the Certified Bishonen© DEIDARA. Ensure that he is well cared for after your death by entrusting him to a kind and responsible friend or family member.