WARNING: This fic is CHALK FULL OF ROUGH GAY SEX. Don't read if ur parent's are going to yell at me, mmkay? Also, Arthur and Melrin don't belong to me – they belong to the public TV channel in Canada or some 3rd world country like that. Which is a real shame, b/c I think I could really improve the show. (No offense to the script writers or anything -*LOL*!)

ARTHURS BIG BOOK OF GAY PORN

"Your a prat!!" the svelte, willowy warlock exclaimed with fiesty exasperation, his cerulean-cobalt orbs sparkling with irateness. Arthur had imperiously commanded him to muck out his stables, polish his armour, [A/N – That's not a spelling mistake, that's just how they spell it in Canadia, *LOL*!], rehang his tapestry's, mend his socks, steam-press his capes, felch his arrouws, sharpen his swourds, and alphebetize his personnal library, all before 11 o'clock, when the Princess from some neighbouring country was suppoused to drop by for tea.

Fourtunately for the headstrong young magic-user, the Prince had alreadry run off to train his Knight's, so he wasn't around to hear Merlin being insubourdinate. Otherwise, Merlin would of had to spend hours in the stocks, getting tomatoes and potatoes and squash and corn and cacao beans and guinea pigs thrown at him, which was an experience for which he did not at all care for. Arthur had recently resoulved to be much stricter with his ill-mannered serving boy – after all, he was only a mere pheasant!

"You dont even have a library!" Melrin muttered in the direction in which Arthur had trotted off in. "You only have, like, three books. I'm not even sure you can read" he fumed as he stomped off to Arthur's chambers, although luckily, Arhtur wasn't their to hear him.

"Why, hullo, Merlin! Are you alright?" a familiar voice babbled adourably.

Merlin looked up when he heard his best friend Gueinevere's voice babbling. She babbled a lot, but it was okay, because her babbling was always sweet and innoucent and adourable. (And anyway, Merlin was extremely clumsy and a bit of a babbler himself, so he couldn't really criticise her.) Gwenivere probably babbled so much because she was a lesbian, which meant she spent a lot of time thinking about Mourgana and Lancelot and other people she was in love with, of whom Arthur wasn't one of. Because she was a lesbian. And in love with Lancelot.

"Oh hi Guinevire" Melrin sighed mournfully. "I guess I'm okay. It's just that His Pratness Prince Pratdragon is pratting around extra prattily today. Also, he's being a total clotpoll."

Guinever adourably babbled some sensible advice, blushing as she did. She blushed alot too, Melrin has noticed. Probably because she is a lesbian and thinkign about Lancelot all the time. "I know it must be hard, Merlin" she says, "but Arthur needs you to help him become a great King. And I think maybe he is so hard on you because of, well, he's confused about how you make him feel."

"How I make him feel? What does that mean?" Merlin queries insistently, but Gwenn just hurrys off down the corridour to continue her chores. What on Earth did she mean, he wondered, as he opens the door to Arthur's room. Women were so confusing!! Hounestly, Melrin didn't know how he felt about the farer sex. He had always assummed that he was straight, but ever since he met Arthur, with his sunkissed wheaten tresses the color of honey-dipped amber and his piercing lapis-lazuli eyes like clear mountain lakes reflecting a cloudless sky, Merlin has begun to wonder if maybe he likes men more.

Merlin closes Arthurs door and sags against it. Perhaps what he really wants is for the arrogant Prince of Camelot to claim him, conquer him, plant his flag in Merlin's virgin territoury . . . Shamefully, he is half-erect just from thinking about it. Merlin idly rubs the heel of his hand against his threadbear pants and wonders if he has time for a wank. [A/N: This is the Canadian word for masterbation. Wierd, huh?] And then he realizes . . . Oh shit, its probably almost 11 oclock!!

"Oh what am I doing, daydreaming about Arthur!!!" Merlin berates himself. "He's 100% straight anyway, and I'm only a pheasant. It's hopeless, and now I'll never have everything done in time."

He wants to cry, kind of, but than he almost giggles with relief, because he remembered that he has magic. Whsipering a spell, he watched smugly as the inanimate objects in Arthurs room began to dust and polish and sweep and rearrange themselves. Unfourtunately, he doesn't know a spell to alphebetise books, so he'll just have to do that the old-fashiouned way.

Arthur really doesn't have very many books, okay its more then three, but still not alot. Melrin picks one off the shelf at random – it doesn't have a title on the covre, he notes with irritatedly, so how is he suppoused to alphebetize it, huh? But when he flipped the book open, looking for it's name, Merlin got the shock of his life! IT WAS A BOOK OF GAY PORN!!!

"Holy Shit, Arthur Pendragon has a book of GAY PORN," Melrin almost screamed, but even he had the sense to know that he'd be in the stocks for a year if anyone heard him. So he muttered it instead, really quietly -- -- and then started flipping threw the pages, his eyes almost bugging out of they're sockets. Their were pictures of men sucking and fucking and having orgy's and doing all kinds of things that he doesnt even know the words for, and he's probably not suppoused to know the words either, he shouldn't want to look at stuff like this. But Merlin can't stop his cock from weeping salty precum against his trousers. His anal pucker is convulsing like its having epileptic spasms or maybe hunger pangs, desperate for something with which to fill it with.

"Ohhh" Merlin moans. He's so busy staring at the diagrams of Proper Cock-Ring Attachment that he doesn't here the door open until its too late.

Arthur is drippign manly sweat from hours of rigourous Knight training when he opens his door. He really wants a bath, but probably his useless manservant wasn't' smart enough to anticipate his Royal needs. Arthur really doesn't know why he keeps him around (but hounestly, its probably because his mouth is so pretty and fuckable.)

The first thing Arthur thinks is that he's under attack from some evil sourcerer, because everything is positively FLYING around his room. But as he unsheathes his gleaming sword, he realizes that his cloths are folding themselves, and the broom is sweeping by itself, so maybe its not an attack after all. Maybe its something else. Maybe its . . .

"MELRIN!" Arthur bellows.

The skinny warlock looks up at him guiltily. "Im sorry sire, I was just trying to figure out what the books title was so I could alphebetise it, like you said to . . . " And then he notices the self-sweeping broom and the self-folding laundry and makes a noise like he's choking on a chili pepper. "Erk, erm, sire, I . . ." Tears leak from his plaintive azure orbs. He starts to sniffle. "Please sire, fourgive me, I've done everything for you and you cant have me beheaded because we're two halfs of a coin and I wouldn't have had to use magic if you didn't give me so much work because your such a PRAT". . .

Arthur was torn between affection and furry. Only Merlin would dare to call him a prat when he'd just been caught comitting Treason! He strode purpousefully toward Merlin, watching the gangly magic-user cower as he approaches. That's when Arthur realizes that he loves Merlin, more than anything. (Certainly more than he could ever love Gweunewiver!) He never wants to see Merlin trembling in fear because of him, even if Merlin is only a no-account pheasant and a lying sourcerer to boot.

Arthur sweeps Merlin up in his sinewy arms and there lips clash furiously. "Arthur" Merlin gasps against the Prince's perfect crimson mouth, allready so close to cumming because of the porn he's been reading. "Anything you want . . . you can do anything you want to me . . ." He wraps a long pale leg around Arthru's muscular torso, grinding up against Arthur's rampant manhood. Its probably almost 8 inches long, Merlin thinks, a little intimidated but mostly just desperate. This is the cock that is going to take his virginity – Arthur Pendragon's royal scepter. His mouth waters like one of Pavlov's dogs. "Put it in me," Merlin whimpres, and Arthur is only to happy to comply.

"Bend over the table," Arthur whispres into Merlins ear before nibbling all the way around the delicate cartilage perimetre. Merlin's knee's are knocking together, but somehow he manages to get himself positioned just right, so Arthur's raging arousal is denting his left arsecheek.

"Brace yourself" Arthur warns before plunging in in one long thrust. His cock is an arrow, piercing the winking pink bullseye of Merlins arsehole. Before long, his mighty phallus is nestled deep in Merlins bowels, royal cockhead almost nudging against the young wizard's transverse colon.

"Arrgghh," Merlin cries out in agony. He hadnt known this would HURT so much! But before he even realizes it, he's tingling everywhere, so close to cumming that he can feel his vas deferens starting to contract. "Please," he shrieks, begging for he doesn't know what, but Arthur must know, because he pulls back out and slams in again, scraping against Merlin's hidden pleasure button.

They cum at the same moment, Merlin's seed spurting across Arthur's table (Arthur will make him lick it up later) while Arthur pumps Merlin's arsehole full of sticky white spunk, until he's leaking like a too-full wineskin. "I love you so much" Arthur confesses, and Merlin answers "well, I love you more, prat!" And they both laugh at Melrin's insoulent banter until they are ready to have sex again.

Much later, when they are snuggling in Arthur's bed, the youthful warlock has a question he needs to ask the haughty but noble Prince. "Arthur" he begins fearfully.

"Yes?"

"Are you really sure your not going to punish me for being magic and all?"

"Oh I'm going to punish you all right" Arthur promised, and Merlin gasped a little and thought he might start crying, because now hes going to have to flea Camelot and he's so sore from Arthurs magnificent horsecock that he's not sure he'll be able to walk.

"Oh" Merlin says feebly, and then Arthur starts laughing.

"I am going to make you wear a buttplug everyday for the next month, do you think you can handle that?"

Merlin isn't sure what a buttplug is, but then he remembers. It was on page 42 of what he has mentally come to thikn of as "Arthurs Big Book of Gay Porn." It had looked . . . intriguing. The recently deflowered sourcerer blushes brighter then Gwenifyr, but only exclaims "Arthur, your such a PRAT!" before drifting off to sleep on Arthur's alpaca-wool pillow.

~~OWARIMASU DESU~~

A/N: PLZ R&R! Comments are my muse, guys – if you don't give me feedback, I wont be able to keep writing!! And I have so many other awesome fics I want to write, *LOL*!