Surrender: a Final Fantasy X fanfic
By yutamiyu
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh, my, yes, there are SPOILERS in this story! DO NOT READ unless you have finished the game! And that aside, I would just like to say that this is the first thing that I've written in a LONG time (I think "Five Years" was my last fic), and I have to say I'm rather proud of this one. I wrote it in three days to meet the deadline of my friend's birthday, as she told me I was burnt out. This is my way of saying "NYAH NYAH!" I'm so mature. ^_~
She stood at the end of the dock, staring at the setting sun's light lazily dancing on the surface of the crystalline ocean. Transfixed, she did not move an inch, as though afraid everything would fade and the Calm would suddenly be nothing more than an elaborate illusion.
She knew, however, that it was not. The Eternal Calm, as it had come to be known, had come suddenly and settled instantly. The titanic beast named Sin--and the notorious Yu Yevon lurking in the darkness within--had finally been destroyed, and she and her six guardians had been the ones to accomplish such an impossible feat.
Without creating aeons.
Without human sacrifice.
In the process of defeating Sin, however, she had suffered great loss. The loss of her estranged husband, and the loss of two of her precious guardians.
But none of them had ever really been human, by the end.
She heaved a burdened sigh and slowly brought her thumb and pointer finger to her mouth and curved them between her lips, puffing out harsh air
//if you ever need me//
and hearing the familiar sound of a whistle. It was part of her daily routine--stand on the docks and watch the sun rise, and whistle when it came up. She would go about the rest of her day and come back just before the sun began to set, and whistle again when it hit the water. She repeated her ritual faithfully, always grasping the hope that someday it would change--that someday, her call would be answered.
//I'll zoom right over//
He never showed.
//I promise//
And in her heart, she had already accepted the fact that it was an impossibility. But it never stopped her from trying.
The sun touched down on the water, and as she watched it slowly begin to sink below the ocean she couldn't help but feel a twinge of envy. Although they both had a daily routine, at least at night the sun got to go to an entirely different world where it was free to do whatever it pleased. Take on a completely new life.
She wondered, briefly, if he had ever really seen the sun.
She never dreamed anymore, since then. She supposed that a good part of it was because she was afraid. Her dreams were no longer her own; at least before the Calm a certain fragment of them were within her control. After all, she could always wake up and whatever she had imagined would be gone.
She was afraid that if she dared to dream, she could not break from its control.
Looking out at the sea, at the last sliver of the sun, she breathed, "Did you ever dream, Tidus?" and watched as it disappeared entirely beneath the waves.
"She's not doin' so well, ya?" Wakka's voice stated from behind her.
Lulu turned around and looked up into his eyes as best she could, one having been almost completely hidden behind a thick braid of her long black hair. "Of course not," she replied grimly. "I don't suppose you're doing too well, yourself. None of us really are." She looked back out at the young summoner--ex-summoner--and crossed her arms across her chest. "But it's hit her the hardest. It's not easy to have someone you love leave you and not come back."
Wakka flinched. "Things will be okay, Lu," he said. "I miss him just as much as you."
She turned back to him and narrowed her eyes with a tinge of amusement. "Now, which one are you talking about?"
Wakka grinned in embarrassment and rubbed the back of his head. "Maybe both, ya?" He brought his arm back down and trust it to the side, emphasizing his resolution. "But that don't mean we should be sad forever, ya? It just means you gotta find something to distract yourself."
Lulu nodded. "Yes. I noticed you took up blitzball again. Is that wise?"
He shrugged. "I still like to play. Maybe I learned a thing or two from that spiky-haired kid. I think the Aurochs can get better if we really work at it, ya?"
The sorceress smiled lightly. "Perhaps you can. But don't go doing anything stupid. Remember, I saw how you played in Luca."
Wakka's mouth contorted as his shoulders slumped. "You weren't supposed to see that," he murmured.
"I know." She turned back to watch Yuna at the end of the dock. The sun was almost completely set. In a few more minutes, she would retrieve the girl she still continued to guard unofficially.
"You really watch after her a lot, Lu," Wakka stated, awed. "I'm real proud of you."
"You should be proud of yourself," she countered. "After all, I know I'm not the only one who still wants to protect her. She's still vulnerable, though she'll never admit it."
Wakka sighed. "Yeah, I know."
Rikku brushed out Yuna's hair, carefully undoing the knots created by the seemingly constant ocean wind. Every so often she would run her hand over the back to make sure it was as smooth as it could get--she would give Yuna nothing less.
"Lulu's going to help me with my fear of lightning," she spoke up, grasping for something--anything--to break the constant silence. "And Wakka said he would help me, too. I don't know how they can, though." She stopped brushing for a second, in thought. "Maybe Lulu should hit me with a big piece of ice and make me scared of that instead!" She giggled lightly, and waited for Yuna to respond.
She didn't. She never did.
Rikku held back her disappointed sigh and started brushing again.
"Can you whistle, Rikku?" Yuna finally asked, voice quiet. It was broken, as though she had not really used it for a while.
"What was that?" she replied. She knew what had been said the first time, but jumped on the opportunity to keep a conversation; to get the summoner to keep talking. Rikku missed being able to talk to her. Aside from Yuna, there was really no other girls in the group she could talk to. She knew that she could talk to Lulu, but the sorceress seemed too old for her years, and Rikku found that Yuna empathized with the young Al Bhed far more than Lulu would ever be able to.
Yuna shook her head, and Rikku was afraid that she would stop talking. "It's really nothing...I just wanted to know if you could whistle."
"I don't think so. I've never really tried." Satisfied that Yuna's hair was as smooth as she could make it, she proceeded to move the brush on the underside, trying to emulate her hair's slight curl.
"It's...comforting," Yuna finally replied, after a time. Her words were distant. "It's strange, really. It's comforting, even if it doesn't work. It's...nice to know."
"That you can whistle?"
Yuna was motionless for a bit before releasing an almost silent sob-laugh in her throat and shaking her head. "Among other things."
Rikku put down the brush and crawled to sit on her knees in front of her friend. "Yunie...is something wrong?"
Yuna faltered briefly before forcing a smile. "It's nothing," she insisted. "I'm fine."
The young Al Bhed tried to look into her eyes, and failed. She sighed, and put her hands on the top of her thighs. "Are you sure? You can talk to me if something's bothering you, you know? I mean it...about anything."
Yuna looked up at her friend and smiled--truly smiled--although it was incredibly short-lived. "I know," she replied. "Thank you, Rikku." She brought a hand up to feel the back of her hair. "Is it done?"
Rikku blinked in confusion, then shook her head as she understood. "Not quite yet. There's one more thing." She stood and scampered back to her position behind Yuna's hair and pulled out a small decorated comb. "We all got this for you a while ago," she explained, "but never really got a chance to give it to you. It's not much, but..." She shrugged, before carefully drawing up some hair from the top and both sides of the summoner's scalp and smoothed them out one final time before sticking the comb in to hold them all together.
"There!" Rikku exclaimed quietly. "It's done!"
"Is it?" Yuna stood, looking around the room. "I wish I had a mirror."
Rikku pursed her lips in thought, and came up blank. "I don't know where you could find one...but trust me! It looks really pretty, Yunie!"
Yuna gave her another forced smile. "I believe you. Thank you, Rikku." She briefly hugged the young Al Bhed before turning to go outside with her ruminations.
"Yunie!"
She turned from the door. "What is it?"
Rikku paused, and fiddled with her shorts. "Are you...are you going out to the docks again at sun set today?"
Yuna nodded. "Yes. Did you see me this morning?"
Rikku nodded back. "For the first time. How long have you been doing this?"
"Since..."
"Sin?"
Yuna remained silent.
"How long are you going to keep doing it?"
Yuna blinked, and tilted her head slightly, as though she had never given thought to it. As though such an obvious question had never before crossed her mind. Finally, she replied, "As long as it takes."
With those words, she turned again and left the room.
The wood of the dock felt cold and harsh under her bare feet. Despite the unfeeling planks, Yuna made her way to the end of it, as always, eyes completely focused on the sun, now getting ready to set. Regardless of whatever she was feeling, when she looked at the reds and oranges of the sunset in the water, it always seemed to cheer her up. Such a sorrowful act, the setting of the sun--something taken for granted. A living thing is being forced into the water, or underground, and isn't sure whether or not it will rise again. But the sun--ah, that was the true miracle of it all. The sun, despite the fact that it may not return, takes its time to kiss the brim of the water and play with the waves before finally descending completely into the waiting sea.
She supposed she was like the sun.
And you? she wondered, as her fingers habitually rose and she blew across them, sounding her whistle, as always. I suppose you are like the tide.
She blew again, sounding her long whistle twice, three times. And then slowly dropped her hand and listened to the sea.
Nothing but the sound of flowing water.
Yuna sat at the edge of the dock and dangled her feet off the edge, her toes just barely skimming the surface. She ran them languidly in circles over and over, staring down at the water and through it, as though something was on the other side. Her hands on either side of her tightly grasping the end of the dock, she scooted herself forward to rest on the very edge of it, and submerged her toes entirely. The water lapped at her them, eagerly trying to grab the rest of her foot and pull her in. She began to swish the water with a little more force, creating miniature waves.
She began to hum.
The Hymn of the Fayth was a tune she knew well. Growing up surrounded by worshippers and citizens alike, a day had never gone by when she had not heard it at least once. And when she was older, and embarked on her pilgrimage, she could always count on one of her guardians--most likely Wakka, but sometimes the others would as well--to hum it at various points in their travel. Although the purpose it originally served had been eradicated, she still found great comfort in the song, and would hum it from time to time when she was alone.
He was humming it, the day he left.
It wasn't him; not exactly. When she stumbled through his body and struck the deck of the airship, she could hear his voice in the glow that passed by her. It first told her
//promise//
he would always protect her, and then hummed the familiar song. Quiet, tender, peaceful. She carried the sound of it in her mind
//yuna...//
long after he had left.
Yuna pushed off the dock and let herself stand, pulling the small comb out of her hair and tossing it carelessly on the dock behind her before wading out farther and farther until she was surrounded entirely by water up to just below her hips. She spread her arms and ran the palms of her hands over the surface
//don't go//
enjoying the feeling and making small ripples trail behind the path of her hands. When they had reached the end of their journey, she simply started them the other way, with each consecutive time pressing down with a bit more force, making the ripples more defined
//wouldn't everyone be surprised//
until finally she looked down and saw the waves she created--had given life- -crashing in to one another, negating their existence
//if I gave up my pilgrimage?//
and becoming nothing more than choppy water. She watched them, completely absorbed, as the once tumultuous tide suddenly tamed and became calm water once again, as though nothing had ever impacted them. As though they'd always been the image currently presented to her. Their previous indiscretions simply forgotten.
Yuna dove under the water and thrashed around wildly before finally rising again and gasping in a large breath of air. She never wanted to be as calm as what she had just seen. She never wanted to forget. She wanted to remember everything that happened to her, day in and day out. And so she swam back to the dock and pushed herself on to it, sitting and staring out at the darkened ocean, water dripping from her body and seeping into the cold wooden planks beneath.
Heavy footsteps fell behind her, and the soft glow from a lantern threw her elongated shadow into the water. "Yuna okay?" a gruff voice inquired.
Yuna smiled briefly despite herself. Out of all her guardians, Kimahri had always been the most protective of her.
"Yes, I'm fine," she replied. "Thank you, Kimahri."
"Kimahri see Yuna go under water. Not see Yuna come back out. Kimahri worried."
Yuna reached blindly for the comb beside her and clenched it in her fist, standing up and facing her guardian. "I just felt like going for a swim," she stated. "I was fine." She tried to put the comb back in her hair, but found it too tangled to do any good. She pulled the comb out of the large knot she had gotten it into, and, for the first time, looked at it.
And gasped in surprise.
The comb was like many others she had seen--thin teeth, jutting straight up into a connecting bar, and topped off with a small design. There was a shop in Luca that sold such combs--the metalsmith, for the right price, would often take special request orders for certain customers. But the price was usually very steep. She could not imagine that the young Al Bhed could pay for it on her own. And, at that point, Yuna was far from caring about how it was paid for.
Because although the ornament of the comb she held in her hand was unique, it was also painfully familiar. Two arms, birthed from nowhere, spiraling to meet in a central point before combining and jutting straight down; independence lost, companionship gained. After a while, the merged being thrust back upward in an attempt to gain its old self back before being violently jerked away and dying completely.
It was the same as Tidus' pendant.
"Kimahri," she breathed, "where did you get this?"
"Buy comb in Luca village."
"You all paid so much money just to make this comb for me?" Her voice held uncertain guilt instead of gratitude.
"Yuna deserve pretty comb. But Kimahri take comb to Ronso friend in Luca and get comb made. Kimahri know Yuna not take comb from shop."
Yuna's eyes became soft. "...Thank you," she said, clutching the small ornament to her chest. She looked up into the war-hardened eyes of her Ronso guardian, and found nothing but concern within them. She could not recall, in all the years that she had known him, his ever not having that same look in his eyes whenever he looked at her. She felt safe around all her guardians, but for some reason she had always felt a stronger connection between her and Kimahri than the rest of them.
"...I miss him," she said finally, dropping her head and feeling a few drops of seawater roll off the top of her head and dangle precariously on the strands above her forehead.
"Kimahri miss Tidus too, but not live always sad." Kimahri's reply was brutally honest and straight to the point, as usual, and she really should have expected nothing less of him. However, she was still surprised. And angered. Her head shot up and she looked at him, infuriated.
"How can you say that? Without him, we would never have defeated Sin for good! We might not have beaten it at all!"
"Kimahri know."
"Then why--"
"Kimahri miss Tidus," he repeated, "but Kimahri not always live sad. Everyone miss Tidus. Not always live sad. We think of Tidus but we not always sad. Yuna miss Tidus...Yuna think of Tidus...always sad. Make everyone sad for Yuna."
She sighed. "I'm sorry, Kimahri. I don't mean to make everyone sad. It's just..." She shook her head and felt more water fly out of her hair. "...I just want to see him again. I--"
"Kimahri know."
"...I wish he was here."
"Tidus here."
Yuna's head shot up and she stared at him, eyes widened. "What do you mean, he's here?"
"Tidus here," he said, pointing to his head. "And Tidus here." He pointed to her head. "If Yuna remember Tidus, Tidus wherever Yuna is."
Yuna tried to smile at him, but failed, and dropped her head. "I don't want to be out here anymore," she whispered, voice quivering, and soon felt Kimahri's strong arms enfolding her body, picking her up and carefully begin to carry her off of the dock and back towards Besaid. Her last conscious action was reaching out and gently caressing his broken horn before closing her eyes and relaxing, comb still clutched tightly in hand.
Many of the temples of Yevon still stood, although they were frequented far less after the final defeat of Sin and complete banishment of Yu Yevon within. After the settlement of the Eternal Calm, the whole of Spira was thrown into religious turmoil--none of the residents seemed to know what to do. There was, after all, no longer a powerful, prominent figure behind whom the entire community could gather. Certainly, the people of Spira did not want to spend time and energy praying to a false idol.
About a month after the settling of the Eternal Calm, an independently- formed group of many respected religious and political figures held a conference and came up with the idea of creating their own deity--one behind whom the citizens of Spira could feel safe once again. They decided to take some of the better teachings of Yu Yevon--tarnished as they were-- and combine them with various chosen ideals of the different people of Spira, as well as many of the beliefs that Yuna herself had mused along her pilgrimage.
They named their new god Amity.
And so, having presented this new god to the willing recipients of Spira, a massive reformation project took place, and the remaining temples of Yu Yevon were transformed to accommodate the new Almighty. Yuna, the reluctant symbol for the hopes of the people of Spira, had stood at the stairway and watched firsthand as the first pillar of Yevon's temples was destroyed in Bevelle. Although the people around her had cheered and applauded wildly, she found herself bearing a sick feeling in her gut and did not know why. She pushed her way through the crowd as best she could, and was soon met by Kimahri, who made sure she emerged from the mass safely.
She returned immediately to Besaid, and when she did, she pleaded with the head of the restoration project not to reform its temple. Although extremely reluctant, he finally conceded to her desires--after all, who would go against the savior of Spira? Yuna knew well just how much power she had over Spira's people, and was determined not to use it. And now she effectively owned the temple of Yevon in Besaid--which quickly became the last existing temple of Yu Yevon.
No one ever went near the temple, she quickly realized. Perhaps people were afraid that if they entered the temple of the condemned prophet he would somehow come back into existence and destroy everything. The Eternal Calm would be lost, and there would perhaps be no chance of a Calm in the remaining future.
They all, of course, saw Yuna wander into the temple from time to time, and never questioned anything. Yuna was a protected summoner, and nothing could infringe upon her: she was holy. Somehow, it was a tacit belief among the population that Yu Yevon could not return, even if Yuna--or her guardians, for that matter--entered the temple, because she was somehow different. They all knew that she had thrown away the teachings of Yevon, and it was enough to satisfy them all.
Yuna found the temple a wonderful place to be when she wanted to be alone.
When the Fayth disappeared shortly after the destruction of Sin, Yuna quickly learned that the spheres that controlled the doors within the temple no longer worked. And so she requested the help of her remaining guardians to help her move the doors so she could walk through the temple freely.
They all willingly obliged.
Soon the doors had been eradicated and Yuna had collected the dulled spheres and placed them on the inside of the door to what had once been the Chamber of the Fayth. It seemed a crime to keep them separated from that which they were meant to serve, even if what they served no longer existed. She made the Chamber a private place--when she did not want to be seen she hid in the domed room.
As she slowly walked towards the center of the Chamber, she somehow felt the serenity of the petrified Fayth encased in the earth beneath her despite the fact that it was eternally struggling to break free. Although the wings had been liberated, and spread wide and proud, one bore a tear near the ends; perhaps, her mind supplied, in an attempt to release the rest of the body. Such an odd thing, she wondered, to be able to be completely at rest--at peace--and yet still be tied to both earth and sky.
She had always held a secret place for Valefor.
Although she certainly had a unique and individual bond with each of her aeons, Yuna knew that the one she shared with Valefor was without question the strongest. It had protected her from the very beginning of her quest, and it stayed with her to see it through to the end. It was the first aeon she received as a summoner, and the final aeon she released.
It was her wings.
When she fell free, when she surrendered to the wind, it was Valefor who had been the one to catch her. And now, as her eyes caressed the hardened shell covering the once-active aeon, Yuna wondered what would happen to her, now that her wings had been destroyed.
It was her freedom.
She stared at the jagged stone and felt a twinge--of guilt, of pain--as she realized that she had lost more in the battle to save Spira than she had originally thought. She had lost far more than two of her beloved guardian friends; she had lost friendships she had not even known existed.
She had lost her innocence.
It was a thought that had crossed her mind more than once when she sat on the docks or in the temple, alone with her ruminations. She did not need to see her reflection to know that the war had taken a physical toll on her body. In fact, Yuna could not remember having seen her face since the final confrontation.
She walked to the door and picked up one of the temple's spheres, holding it cold and heavy nested in her hands. She shifted it to one palm, picked up the hem of her skirt with the other and, slowly but firmly, began to polish its face. When she held it before her and saw her visage staring right back, the reflection presented to her was enough to answer her wonderings, despite the crude mirror's inability to show minute details.
She remained unchanged.
Her gaze never leaving that of her reflection, Yuna ran her fingers' feather-light touch over her lips, across the bridge of her nose, curved it up and around the outside of her eyes.
Her eyes. Were they hardened, like those of Kimahri or Lulu? Yuna certainly wasn't naive enough to think that the consequences of what she and her guardians had been through would be but a trifle. She could see Wakka's eyes beginning to lose some of their boyish luster, and even little Rikku's spiral eyes had become a darker hue of green. But could it happen to her, as well?
More importantly, had it already happened?
She heard a noise--shuffling?--coming from one of the outer chambers of the temple, and she involuntarily dropped the sphere in surprise. It fell to the ground and shattered into a thousand pieces, each green shard as dull and jaded as its neighbor. The crash brought her attention back to what had once been the sphere she had held, and she looked down at it, face stricken, as though she had killed a small child.
She untied one of her pale violet sleeves and spread it out on the ground. Kneeling, she cupped her hands and made long sweeping motions, moving the scattered shards into a pile and pushing it onto the cloth. When her task was finished, she gently folded over each side of her sleeve and rolled it up, ensuring none would fall out.
She would give it a burial later.
"You don't have to do that, you know," a soft, low voice informed her.
Yuna turned and saw her black-haired guardian standing just before the open door of the chamber.
"Do what?" she asked.
Lulu lifted her chin in acknowledgment. "The sphere. You broke it, didn't you? You don't have to clean it up. No one but you comes down this far."
Yuna placed the sleeve in the deep pocket of her fuchsia skirt and smoothed it down. "I want to."
"Don't feel like you have to atone for everything wrong that you do." Her guardian's voice was a warning.
"I'm not sure I understand."
Lulu crossed her arms in front of her and shook her head, causing two long strands of her hair to fall from her shoulders to her back. "Ever since the settling of the Eternal Calm you've been carrying a huge weight on your shoulders," she stated. "Every day you walk around as though you have some sort of massive penance you must serve, but somehow know you will never complete." She sighed. "Do you think that we don't see you every day down by the docks? Or that we don't see when you walk into the temple? You stay down here for hours, Yuna. I don't think you've ever realized that."
Yuna slowly shook her head.
"I know why you go to the docks every day, and I'm fairly sure I know why you come down here. But you can't keep hiding from us forever, Yuna. You have to be able to face us again. We're your friends, and we're not going to abandon you."
"You should." Yuna's voice was quiet and barely audible, despite the echo created by the large domed ceiling.
Lulu dropped her arms. "Tell me why."
Yuna brought her hands up to clasp her arms. "Your duty is over. Why are you still here? Don't you know that if you stay around me you are going to die?" She drew a shuddering breath; her control was waning. "Tidus...Sir Auron...even Maester Seymour...all died because of me."
Lulu's eyes narrowed. "Maester Seymour did not die because of you. He died to fulfill his obsession with death itself. And you would do well to remember that Sir Auron was an unsent. He remained because of a promise to both your father and Sir Jecht." She watched the young summoner's form carefully in an attempt to gauge the effect of the words she had spoken.
She did not look up. "And...Tidus?"
Lulu faltered, not entirely sure how to proceed. "None of the residents of his Zanarkand ever really existed," she finally stated. "They were merely the fancies of the dreaming Fayth."
"He existed here," Yuna replied, her tone insistent and strong. But even as she spoke the words she knew they held no validity, and was certain that Lulu knew this as well. "I...could touch him. Feel him. Skin and breath. Doesn't that mean that he exists?"
Lulu closed her eyes and sighed silently. "That's for you to decide."
"I know." Her voice was quiet again. "That doesn't stop me from wanting to change it."
"I never said you should." She opened her eyes again.
"He was...so selfish," she declared. "He just...disappeared. Right after we defeated Sin. That wasn't fair."
"I believe that's what he said before we fought Yevon," she reminded the young summoner.
Yuna's laugh was short and bittersweet. "Was it? I don't remember." Her eyes grew wide and her head shot up to look at her guardian. "I don't...remember," she said, her expression as though the words were foreign to her. She ran to the sorceress and grabbed her arm tightly. "I don't remember!" she exclaimed, voice rising, starting to become hysterical. "I said I would never forget my faded dreams...and I'm starting to forget him!"
Lulu put a reassuring hand on Yuna's frantic ones. "He's always in your dreams, though, isn't he?"
Yuna's eyes widened again before narrowing in a mix of guilt and sorrow and she released her grip on her guardian. "...No," she replied quietly. "I don't...I don't dream anymore."
"Do you sleep?"
//zanarkand never sleeps!//
"Not really."
"Why?"
//the city lights go out one by one//
"...I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
Yuna took a step towards the sorceress and stood straddling the threshold between the Chamber and the hallway. "What if I don't wake up?"
"You have to, sometime."
She shook her head. "That's not what I mean. What if I...what if I WON'T? What if I like the place I'm in when I dream? What if I just keep dreaming, and don't come back?"
//the stars fade...//
Lulu took a cleansing breath. "Then maybe you're better off." She turned her back and walked a few steps down the hallway before stopping and lifting her head up one last time. "But maybe you should at least look for him where you know he will be and not where you want him to be." She walked down the remaining length of hallway, through the rest of the chambers, and left the temple.
Yuna looked back at the petrified Fayth and then moved her gaze to the direction Lulu had just gone, and hesitated only a few seconds before following.
The knock was hesitant and barely audible. Wakka looked up from the blitzball he was patching up and turned an ear to listen. He heard his name called quiet and uncertain from the other side. He stood, opened the door, and beheld the young summoner.
She looked at him but would not meet his eyes. "Can I come in?"
Wakka quickly stepped away and let her pass before he shut the door. "What's up, Yuna?"
She sat on the edge of his bed. "How do you feel now, Wakka?"
"Whaddaya mean?"
"After Sin. Do you feel any different?"
"I'm not so sure I understand."
She clasped her hands in her lap. "What I mean is…has anything in your life changed now that Sin is gone?"
"Well, everyone's entire way of living has been changed, ya?"
"I mean your personal life."
He shrugged. "I dunno, Yuna. I haven't really noticed anything."
"Do you dream?"
Wakka ran a hand through his red spikes and sat on the ground before her, propping his arm on his risen knee. "Sometimes," he finally replied.
"About what?"
"Lots of stuff. Sometimes I dream about the fun times I had with Chappu. And sometimes I dream about your pilgrimage." He picked up the patched ball next to him and twirled it on his finger. "Sometimes I even dream about playin' ball, ya?"
"And you like them? You enjoy dreaming?"
"Sure I do. Everyone enjoys dreaming, ya know?"
Yuna cleared her throat. "I suppose I should."
Wakka put the ball down and craned his neck in a vain attempt to look into her eyes. "Did something happen, Yuna?"
"Perhaps you should let her alone," came the soft, low voice from his doorway.
Wakka spun around to see Lulu standing outside the door. "Whaddaya doin' here, Lu?"
She held up the small silver can clasped in her right hand. "I brought the paint you asked for."
Wakka looked down at the patched ball in remembrance. "Oh, yeah," he replied sheepishly, putting an embarrassed hand behind his head.
Yuna stood. "I'm sorry to disturb you," she said in quiet and rushed words, and made her way to the door.
Lulu blocked it with one long, slender arm. "Yuna," she said, voice firm and strong.
She looked up at her guardian. "Let me go," she whispered. "Please."
"Don't keep running from what you want," the sorceress stated, her voice barely registering above a whisper. "If you want to see him, you have to accept the fact that you'll only see him on his own terms. The truth is that he can't meet yours." She craned her neck to look at the sky behind her. "You will miss the sunset if you do not hurry," she finished, and dropped her arm from the door, stepping to the side so the flustered summoner could run to the docks.
She was, as always, on time for the sunset. And, as always, she rose her fingers to her mouth and moved her tongue over their tips, wetting them with saliva to facilitate her daily ritual
//I'll take you to zanarkand!//
She took in a deep lungful of air
//look where you know he is//
and readied to blow, to sound her whistle again, as always
//not where you want him to be//
before hesitating, and finally slipping them from her mouth and wiping them on her skirt, over the small bump in her pocket. She reached inside and pulled out her rolled up sleeve.
//you don't have to do that//
The broken sphere.
//I want to//
Why didn't you tell me when you knew? her mind asked, and listened as though he would answer. I could have lived with the fact that you were a dream. At least I could touch you, then. If I had known…would I have touched you sooner? Would you have reached back?
She watched as the sun began to touch down on the horizon and prepared to sink into the sea.
"Do you dream, Tidus?" she asked with broken voice. "Are you dreaming for me?"
//I'll zoom right over//
"I've started to forget you. Have you forgotten me?" She shook her head. "I never wanted to forget you. I never intended to. I want to remember…everything."
The sun continued its path below the ocean, always stopping to play with an anxious wave cap or excited ripple.
"You said you would stay with me always."
//I promise//
"I whistle every day…why aren't you here?"
Fire willingly sunk deeper and deeper into the harbinger of its death.
//let's go to the sea//
She clutched her rolled-up sleeve to her chest. "Must I surrender to my dreams in order to see you? Do I have to give up faith that one day you'll be here, on the docks, arms open, waiting for me?"
//before sunrise//
The sea, of course, was silent.
Yuna allowed a final, cleansing sigh to escape from her lips before closing her eyes in defeat.
Then I'll dream…for the both of us
She gently unrolled the sleeve and looked at the subdued green
//I just know you'll love it//
for several breathless moments, before she finally clung tightly to one end of the cloth and let go of the other, flinging the shattered sphere into the arms of the waiting sea.
His eyes slipped open and for the first time he looked around the watery abyss he inhabited. He blinked in confusion--he was not supposed to wake. Not alone.
His hands released the grip they held on his knees and he stretched his body for the first time, simply floating as he wondered about his rousing. If he was awake, then something should have stimulated him to do so--and there was nothing but water in his transparent chamber.
A sudden movement caught his eye and he saw a slow and hesitant light moving towards him, and he could hear the shrill, unmistakable sound of a whistle.
His eyes softened, and as he began to kick his legs to swim to surface, he smiled.
Yuna was waiting for him.
~End~
By yutamiyu
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh, my, yes, there are SPOILERS in this story! DO NOT READ unless you have finished the game! And that aside, I would just like to say that this is the first thing that I've written in a LONG time (I think "Five Years" was my last fic), and I have to say I'm rather proud of this one. I wrote it in three days to meet the deadline of my friend's birthday, as she told me I was burnt out. This is my way of saying "NYAH NYAH!" I'm so mature. ^_~
She stood at the end of the dock, staring at the setting sun's light lazily dancing on the surface of the crystalline ocean. Transfixed, she did not move an inch, as though afraid everything would fade and the Calm would suddenly be nothing more than an elaborate illusion.
She knew, however, that it was not. The Eternal Calm, as it had come to be known, had come suddenly and settled instantly. The titanic beast named Sin--and the notorious Yu Yevon lurking in the darkness within--had finally been destroyed, and she and her six guardians had been the ones to accomplish such an impossible feat.
Without creating aeons.
Without human sacrifice.
In the process of defeating Sin, however, she had suffered great loss. The loss of her estranged husband, and the loss of two of her precious guardians.
But none of them had ever really been human, by the end.
She heaved a burdened sigh and slowly brought her thumb and pointer finger to her mouth and curved them between her lips, puffing out harsh air
//if you ever need me//
and hearing the familiar sound of a whistle. It was part of her daily routine--stand on the docks and watch the sun rise, and whistle when it came up. She would go about the rest of her day and come back just before the sun began to set, and whistle again when it hit the water. She repeated her ritual faithfully, always grasping the hope that someday it would change--that someday, her call would be answered.
//I'll zoom right over//
He never showed.
//I promise//
And in her heart, she had already accepted the fact that it was an impossibility. But it never stopped her from trying.
The sun touched down on the water, and as she watched it slowly begin to sink below the ocean she couldn't help but feel a twinge of envy. Although they both had a daily routine, at least at night the sun got to go to an entirely different world where it was free to do whatever it pleased. Take on a completely new life.
She wondered, briefly, if he had ever really seen the sun.
She never dreamed anymore, since then. She supposed that a good part of it was because she was afraid. Her dreams were no longer her own; at least before the Calm a certain fragment of them were within her control. After all, she could always wake up and whatever she had imagined would be gone.
She was afraid that if she dared to dream, she could not break from its control.
Looking out at the sea, at the last sliver of the sun, she breathed, "Did you ever dream, Tidus?" and watched as it disappeared entirely beneath the waves.
"She's not doin' so well, ya?" Wakka's voice stated from behind her.
Lulu turned around and looked up into his eyes as best she could, one having been almost completely hidden behind a thick braid of her long black hair. "Of course not," she replied grimly. "I don't suppose you're doing too well, yourself. None of us really are." She looked back out at the young summoner--ex-summoner--and crossed her arms across her chest. "But it's hit her the hardest. It's not easy to have someone you love leave you and not come back."
Wakka flinched. "Things will be okay, Lu," he said. "I miss him just as much as you."
She turned back to him and narrowed her eyes with a tinge of amusement. "Now, which one are you talking about?"
Wakka grinned in embarrassment and rubbed the back of his head. "Maybe both, ya?" He brought his arm back down and trust it to the side, emphasizing his resolution. "But that don't mean we should be sad forever, ya? It just means you gotta find something to distract yourself."
Lulu nodded. "Yes. I noticed you took up blitzball again. Is that wise?"
He shrugged. "I still like to play. Maybe I learned a thing or two from that spiky-haired kid. I think the Aurochs can get better if we really work at it, ya?"
The sorceress smiled lightly. "Perhaps you can. But don't go doing anything stupid. Remember, I saw how you played in Luca."
Wakka's mouth contorted as his shoulders slumped. "You weren't supposed to see that," he murmured.
"I know." She turned back to watch Yuna at the end of the dock. The sun was almost completely set. In a few more minutes, she would retrieve the girl she still continued to guard unofficially.
"You really watch after her a lot, Lu," Wakka stated, awed. "I'm real proud of you."
"You should be proud of yourself," she countered. "After all, I know I'm not the only one who still wants to protect her. She's still vulnerable, though she'll never admit it."
Wakka sighed. "Yeah, I know."
Rikku brushed out Yuna's hair, carefully undoing the knots created by the seemingly constant ocean wind. Every so often she would run her hand over the back to make sure it was as smooth as it could get--she would give Yuna nothing less.
"Lulu's going to help me with my fear of lightning," she spoke up, grasping for something--anything--to break the constant silence. "And Wakka said he would help me, too. I don't know how they can, though." She stopped brushing for a second, in thought. "Maybe Lulu should hit me with a big piece of ice and make me scared of that instead!" She giggled lightly, and waited for Yuna to respond.
She didn't. She never did.
Rikku held back her disappointed sigh and started brushing again.
"Can you whistle, Rikku?" Yuna finally asked, voice quiet. It was broken, as though she had not really used it for a while.
"What was that?" she replied. She knew what had been said the first time, but jumped on the opportunity to keep a conversation; to get the summoner to keep talking. Rikku missed being able to talk to her. Aside from Yuna, there was really no other girls in the group she could talk to. She knew that she could talk to Lulu, but the sorceress seemed too old for her years, and Rikku found that Yuna empathized with the young Al Bhed far more than Lulu would ever be able to.
Yuna shook her head, and Rikku was afraid that she would stop talking. "It's really nothing...I just wanted to know if you could whistle."
"I don't think so. I've never really tried." Satisfied that Yuna's hair was as smooth as she could make it, she proceeded to move the brush on the underside, trying to emulate her hair's slight curl.
"It's...comforting," Yuna finally replied, after a time. Her words were distant. "It's strange, really. It's comforting, even if it doesn't work. It's...nice to know."
"That you can whistle?"
Yuna was motionless for a bit before releasing an almost silent sob-laugh in her throat and shaking her head. "Among other things."
Rikku put down the brush and crawled to sit on her knees in front of her friend. "Yunie...is something wrong?"
Yuna faltered briefly before forcing a smile. "It's nothing," she insisted. "I'm fine."
The young Al Bhed tried to look into her eyes, and failed. She sighed, and put her hands on the top of her thighs. "Are you sure? You can talk to me if something's bothering you, you know? I mean it...about anything."
Yuna looked up at her friend and smiled--truly smiled--although it was incredibly short-lived. "I know," she replied. "Thank you, Rikku." She brought a hand up to feel the back of her hair. "Is it done?"
Rikku blinked in confusion, then shook her head as she understood. "Not quite yet. There's one more thing." She stood and scampered back to her position behind Yuna's hair and pulled out a small decorated comb. "We all got this for you a while ago," she explained, "but never really got a chance to give it to you. It's not much, but..." She shrugged, before carefully drawing up some hair from the top and both sides of the summoner's scalp and smoothed them out one final time before sticking the comb in to hold them all together.
"There!" Rikku exclaimed quietly. "It's done!"
"Is it?" Yuna stood, looking around the room. "I wish I had a mirror."
Rikku pursed her lips in thought, and came up blank. "I don't know where you could find one...but trust me! It looks really pretty, Yunie!"
Yuna gave her another forced smile. "I believe you. Thank you, Rikku." She briefly hugged the young Al Bhed before turning to go outside with her ruminations.
"Yunie!"
She turned from the door. "What is it?"
Rikku paused, and fiddled with her shorts. "Are you...are you going out to the docks again at sun set today?"
Yuna nodded. "Yes. Did you see me this morning?"
Rikku nodded back. "For the first time. How long have you been doing this?"
"Since..."
"Sin?"
Yuna remained silent.
"How long are you going to keep doing it?"
Yuna blinked, and tilted her head slightly, as though she had never given thought to it. As though such an obvious question had never before crossed her mind. Finally, she replied, "As long as it takes."
With those words, she turned again and left the room.
The wood of the dock felt cold and harsh under her bare feet. Despite the unfeeling planks, Yuna made her way to the end of it, as always, eyes completely focused on the sun, now getting ready to set. Regardless of whatever she was feeling, when she looked at the reds and oranges of the sunset in the water, it always seemed to cheer her up. Such a sorrowful act, the setting of the sun--something taken for granted. A living thing is being forced into the water, or underground, and isn't sure whether or not it will rise again. But the sun--ah, that was the true miracle of it all. The sun, despite the fact that it may not return, takes its time to kiss the brim of the water and play with the waves before finally descending completely into the waiting sea.
She supposed she was like the sun.
And you? she wondered, as her fingers habitually rose and she blew across them, sounding her whistle, as always. I suppose you are like the tide.
She blew again, sounding her long whistle twice, three times. And then slowly dropped her hand and listened to the sea.
Nothing but the sound of flowing water.
Yuna sat at the edge of the dock and dangled her feet off the edge, her toes just barely skimming the surface. She ran them languidly in circles over and over, staring down at the water and through it, as though something was on the other side. Her hands on either side of her tightly grasping the end of the dock, she scooted herself forward to rest on the very edge of it, and submerged her toes entirely. The water lapped at her them, eagerly trying to grab the rest of her foot and pull her in. She began to swish the water with a little more force, creating miniature waves.
She began to hum.
The Hymn of the Fayth was a tune she knew well. Growing up surrounded by worshippers and citizens alike, a day had never gone by when she had not heard it at least once. And when she was older, and embarked on her pilgrimage, she could always count on one of her guardians--most likely Wakka, but sometimes the others would as well--to hum it at various points in their travel. Although the purpose it originally served had been eradicated, she still found great comfort in the song, and would hum it from time to time when she was alone.
He was humming it, the day he left.
It wasn't him; not exactly. When she stumbled through his body and struck the deck of the airship, she could hear his voice in the glow that passed by her. It first told her
//promise//
he would always protect her, and then hummed the familiar song. Quiet, tender, peaceful. She carried the sound of it in her mind
//yuna...//
long after he had left.
Yuna pushed off the dock and let herself stand, pulling the small comb out of her hair and tossing it carelessly on the dock behind her before wading out farther and farther until she was surrounded entirely by water up to just below her hips. She spread her arms and ran the palms of her hands over the surface
//don't go//
enjoying the feeling and making small ripples trail behind the path of her hands. When they had reached the end of their journey, she simply started them the other way, with each consecutive time pressing down with a bit more force, making the ripples more defined
//wouldn't everyone be surprised//
until finally she looked down and saw the waves she created--had given life- -crashing in to one another, negating their existence
//if I gave up my pilgrimage?//
and becoming nothing more than choppy water. She watched them, completely absorbed, as the once tumultuous tide suddenly tamed and became calm water once again, as though nothing had ever impacted them. As though they'd always been the image currently presented to her. Their previous indiscretions simply forgotten.
Yuna dove under the water and thrashed around wildly before finally rising again and gasping in a large breath of air. She never wanted to be as calm as what she had just seen. She never wanted to forget. She wanted to remember everything that happened to her, day in and day out. And so she swam back to the dock and pushed herself on to it, sitting and staring out at the darkened ocean, water dripping from her body and seeping into the cold wooden planks beneath.
Heavy footsteps fell behind her, and the soft glow from a lantern threw her elongated shadow into the water. "Yuna okay?" a gruff voice inquired.
Yuna smiled briefly despite herself. Out of all her guardians, Kimahri had always been the most protective of her.
"Yes, I'm fine," she replied. "Thank you, Kimahri."
"Kimahri see Yuna go under water. Not see Yuna come back out. Kimahri worried."
Yuna reached blindly for the comb beside her and clenched it in her fist, standing up and facing her guardian. "I just felt like going for a swim," she stated. "I was fine." She tried to put the comb back in her hair, but found it too tangled to do any good. She pulled the comb out of the large knot she had gotten it into, and, for the first time, looked at it.
And gasped in surprise.
The comb was like many others she had seen--thin teeth, jutting straight up into a connecting bar, and topped off with a small design. There was a shop in Luca that sold such combs--the metalsmith, for the right price, would often take special request orders for certain customers. But the price was usually very steep. She could not imagine that the young Al Bhed could pay for it on her own. And, at that point, Yuna was far from caring about how it was paid for.
Because although the ornament of the comb she held in her hand was unique, it was also painfully familiar. Two arms, birthed from nowhere, spiraling to meet in a central point before combining and jutting straight down; independence lost, companionship gained. After a while, the merged being thrust back upward in an attempt to gain its old self back before being violently jerked away and dying completely.
It was the same as Tidus' pendant.
"Kimahri," she breathed, "where did you get this?"
"Buy comb in Luca village."
"You all paid so much money just to make this comb for me?" Her voice held uncertain guilt instead of gratitude.
"Yuna deserve pretty comb. But Kimahri take comb to Ronso friend in Luca and get comb made. Kimahri know Yuna not take comb from shop."
Yuna's eyes became soft. "...Thank you," she said, clutching the small ornament to her chest. She looked up into the war-hardened eyes of her Ronso guardian, and found nothing but concern within them. She could not recall, in all the years that she had known him, his ever not having that same look in his eyes whenever he looked at her. She felt safe around all her guardians, but for some reason she had always felt a stronger connection between her and Kimahri than the rest of them.
"...I miss him," she said finally, dropping her head and feeling a few drops of seawater roll off the top of her head and dangle precariously on the strands above her forehead.
"Kimahri miss Tidus too, but not live always sad." Kimahri's reply was brutally honest and straight to the point, as usual, and she really should have expected nothing less of him. However, she was still surprised. And angered. Her head shot up and she looked at him, infuriated.
"How can you say that? Without him, we would never have defeated Sin for good! We might not have beaten it at all!"
"Kimahri know."
"Then why--"
"Kimahri miss Tidus," he repeated, "but Kimahri not always live sad. Everyone miss Tidus. Not always live sad. We think of Tidus but we not always sad. Yuna miss Tidus...Yuna think of Tidus...always sad. Make everyone sad for Yuna."
She sighed. "I'm sorry, Kimahri. I don't mean to make everyone sad. It's just..." She shook her head and felt more water fly out of her hair. "...I just want to see him again. I--"
"Kimahri know."
"...I wish he was here."
"Tidus here."
Yuna's head shot up and she stared at him, eyes widened. "What do you mean, he's here?"
"Tidus here," he said, pointing to his head. "And Tidus here." He pointed to her head. "If Yuna remember Tidus, Tidus wherever Yuna is."
Yuna tried to smile at him, but failed, and dropped her head. "I don't want to be out here anymore," she whispered, voice quivering, and soon felt Kimahri's strong arms enfolding her body, picking her up and carefully begin to carry her off of the dock and back towards Besaid. Her last conscious action was reaching out and gently caressing his broken horn before closing her eyes and relaxing, comb still clutched tightly in hand.
Many of the temples of Yevon still stood, although they were frequented far less after the final defeat of Sin and complete banishment of Yu Yevon within. After the settlement of the Eternal Calm, the whole of Spira was thrown into religious turmoil--none of the residents seemed to know what to do. There was, after all, no longer a powerful, prominent figure behind whom the entire community could gather. Certainly, the people of Spira did not want to spend time and energy praying to a false idol.
About a month after the settling of the Eternal Calm, an independently- formed group of many respected religious and political figures held a conference and came up with the idea of creating their own deity--one behind whom the citizens of Spira could feel safe once again. They decided to take some of the better teachings of Yu Yevon--tarnished as they were-- and combine them with various chosen ideals of the different people of Spira, as well as many of the beliefs that Yuna herself had mused along her pilgrimage.
They named their new god Amity.
And so, having presented this new god to the willing recipients of Spira, a massive reformation project took place, and the remaining temples of Yu Yevon were transformed to accommodate the new Almighty. Yuna, the reluctant symbol for the hopes of the people of Spira, had stood at the stairway and watched firsthand as the first pillar of Yevon's temples was destroyed in Bevelle. Although the people around her had cheered and applauded wildly, she found herself bearing a sick feeling in her gut and did not know why. She pushed her way through the crowd as best she could, and was soon met by Kimahri, who made sure she emerged from the mass safely.
She returned immediately to Besaid, and when she did, she pleaded with the head of the restoration project not to reform its temple. Although extremely reluctant, he finally conceded to her desires--after all, who would go against the savior of Spira? Yuna knew well just how much power she had over Spira's people, and was determined not to use it. And now she effectively owned the temple of Yevon in Besaid--which quickly became the last existing temple of Yu Yevon.
No one ever went near the temple, she quickly realized. Perhaps people were afraid that if they entered the temple of the condemned prophet he would somehow come back into existence and destroy everything. The Eternal Calm would be lost, and there would perhaps be no chance of a Calm in the remaining future.
They all, of course, saw Yuna wander into the temple from time to time, and never questioned anything. Yuna was a protected summoner, and nothing could infringe upon her: she was holy. Somehow, it was a tacit belief among the population that Yu Yevon could not return, even if Yuna--or her guardians, for that matter--entered the temple, because she was somehow different. They all knew that she had thrown away the teachings of Yevon, and it was enough to satisfy them all.
Yuna found the temple a wonderful place to be when she wanted to be alone.
When the Fayth disappeared shortly after the destruction of Sin, Yuna quickly learned that the spheres that controlled the doors within the temple no longer worked. And so she requested the help of her remaining guardians to help her move the doors so she could walk through the temple freely.
They all willingly obliged.
Soon the doors had been eradicated and Yuna had collected the dulled spheres and placed them on the inside of the door to what had once been the Chamber of the Fayth. It seemed a crime to keep them separated from that which they were meant to serve, even if what they served no longer existed. She made the Chamber a private place--when she did not want to be seen she hid in the domed room.
As she slowly walked towards the center of the Chamber, she somehow felt the serenity of the petrified Fayth encased in the earth beneath her despite the fact that it was eternally struggling to break free. Although the wings had been liberated, and spread wide and proud, one bore a tear near the ends; perhaps, her mind supplied, in an attempt to release the rest of the body. Such an odd thing, she wondered, to be able to be completely at rest--at peace--and yet still be tied to both earth and sky.
She had always held a secret place for Valefor.
Although she certainly had a unique and individual bond with each of her aeons, Yuna knew that the one she shared with Valefor was without question the strongest. It had protected her from the very beginning of her quest, and it stayed with her to see it through to the end. It was the first aeon she received as a summoner, and the final aeon she released.
It was her wings.
When she fell free, when she surrendered to the wind, it was Valefor who had been the one to catch her. And now, as her eyes caressed the hardened shell covering the once-active aeon, Yuna wondered what would happen to her, now that her wings had been destroyed.
It was her freedom.
She stared at the jagged stone and felt a twinge--of guilt, of pain--as she realized that she had lost more in the battle to save Spira than she had originally thought. She had lost far more than two of her beloved guardian friends; she had lost friendships she had not even known existed.
She had lost her innocence.
It was a thought that had crossed her mind more than once when she sat on the docks or in the temple, alone with her ruminations. She did not need to see her reflection to know that the war had taken a physical toll on her body. In fact, Yuna could not remember having seen her face since the final confrontation.
She walked to the door and picked up one of the temple's spheres, holding it cold and heavy nested in her hands. She shifted it to one palm, picked up the hem of her skirt with the other and, slowly but firmly, began to polish its face. When she held it before her and saw her visage staring right back, the reflection presented to her was enough to answer her wonderings, despite the crude mirror's inability to show minute details.
She remained unchanged.
Her gaze never leaving that of her reflection, Yuna ran her fingers' feather-light touch over her lips, across the bridge of her nose, curved it up and around the outside of her eyes.
Her eyes. Were they hardened, like those of Kimahri or Lulu? Yuna certainly wasn't naive enough to think that the consequences of what she and her guardians had been through would be but a trifle. She could see Wakka's eyes beginning to lose some of their boyish luster, and even little Rikku's spiral eyes had become a darker hue of green. But could it happen to her, as well?
More importantly, had it already happened?
She heard a noise--shuffling?--coming from one of the outer chambers of the temple, and she involuntarily dropped the sphere in surprise. It fell to the ground and shattered into a thousand pieces, each green shard as dull and jaded as its neighbor. The crash brought her attention back to what had once been the sphere she had held, and she looked down at it, face stricken, as though she had killed a small child.
She untied one of her pale violet sleeves and spread it out on the ground. Kneeling, she cupped her hands and made long sweeping motions, moving the scattered shards into a pile and pushing it onto the cloth. When her task was finished, she gently folded over each side of her sleeve and rolled it up, ensuring none would fall out.
She would give it a burial later.
"You don't have to do that, you know," a soft, low voice informed her.
Yuna turned and saw her black-haired guardian standing just before the open door of the chamber.
"Do what?" she asked.
Lulu lifted her chin in acknowledgment. "The sphere. You broke it, didn't you? You don't have to clean it up. No one but you comes down this far."
Yuna placed the sleeve in the deep pocket of her fuchsia skirt and smoothed it down. "I want to."
"Don't feel like you have to atone for everything wrong that you do." Her guardian's voice was a warning.
"I'm not sure I understand."
Lulu crossed her arms in front of her and shook her head, causing two long strands of her hair to fall from her shoulders to her back. "Ever since the settling of the Eternal Calm you've been carrying a huge weight on your shoulders," she stated. "Every day you walk around as though you have some sort of massive penance you must serve, but somehow know you will never complete." She sighed. "Do you think that we don't see you every day down by the docks? Or that we don't see when you walk into the temple? You stay down here for hours, Yuna. I don't think you've ever realized that."
Yuna slowly shook her head.
"I know why you go to the docks every day, and I'm fairly sure I know why you come down here. But you can't keep hiding from us forever, Yuna. You have to be able to face us again. We're your friends, and we're not going to abandon you."
"You should." Yuna's voice was quiet and barely audible, despite the echo created by the large domed ceiling.
Lulu dropped her arms. "Tell me why."
Yuna brought her hands up to clasp her arms. "Your duty is over. Why are you still here? Don't you know that if you stay around me you are going to die?" She drew a shuddering breath; her control was waning. "Tidus...Sir Auron...even Maester Seymour...all died because of me."
Lulu's eyes narrowed. "Maester Seymour did not die because of you. He died to fulfill his obsession with death itself. And you would do well to remember that Sir Auron was an unsent. He remained because of a promise to both your father and Sir Jecht." She watched the young summoner's form carefully in an attempt to gauge the effect of the words she had spoken.
She did not look up. "And...Tidus?"
Lulu faltered, not entirely sure how to proceed. "None of the residents of his Zanarkand ever really existed," she finally stated. "They were merely the fancies of the dreaming Fayth."
"He existed here," Yuna replied, her tone insistent and strong. But even as she spoke the words she knew they held no validity, and was certain that Lulu knew this as well. "I...could touch him. Feel him. Skin and breath. Doesn't that mean that he exists?"
Lulu closed her eyes and sighed silently. "That's for you to decide."
"I know." Her voice was quiet again. "That doesn't stop me from wanting to change it."
"I never said you should." She opened her eyes again.
"He was...so selfish," she declared. "He just...disappeared. Right after we defeated Sin. That wasn't fair."
"I believe that's what he said before we fought Yevon," she reminded the young summoner.
Yuna's laugh was short and bittersweet. "Was it? I don't remember." Her eyes grew wide and her head shot up to look at her guardian. "I don't...remember," she said, her expression as though the words were foreign to her. She ran to the sorceress and grabbed her arm tightly. "I don't remember!" she exclaimed, voice rising, starting to become hysterical. "I said I would never forget my faded dreams...and I'm starting to forget him!"
Lulu put a reassuring hand on Yuna's frantic ones. "He's always in your dreams, though, isn't he?"
Yuna's eyes widened again before narrowing in a mix of guilt and sorrow and she released her grip on her guardian. "...No," she replied quietly. "I don't...I don't dream anymore."
"Do you sleep?"
//zanarkand never sleeps!//
"Not really."
"Why?"
//the city lights go out one by one//
"...I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
Yuna took a step towards the sorceress and stood straddling the threshold between the Chamber and the hallway. "What if I don't wake up?"
"You have to, sometime."
She shook her head. "That's not what I mean. What if I...what if I WON'T? What if I like the place I'm in when I dream? What if I just keep dreaming, and don't come back?"
//the stars fade...//
Lulu took a cleansing breath. "Then maybe you're better off." She turned her back and walked a few steps down the hallway before stopping and lifting her head up one last time. "But maybe you should at least look for him where you know he will be and not where you want him to be." She walked down the remaining length of hallway, through the rest of the chambers, and left the temple.
Yuna looked back at the petrified Fayth and then moved her gaze to the direction Lulu had just gone, and hesitated only a few seconds before following.
The knock was hesitant and barely audible. Wakka looked up from the blitzball he was patching up and turned an ear to listen. He heard his name called quiet and uncertain from the other side. He stood, opened the door, and beheld the young summoner.
She looked at him but would not meet his eyes. "Can I come in?"
Wakka quickly stepped away and let her pass before he shut the door. "What's up, Yuna?"
She sat on the edge of his bed. "How do you feel now, Wakka?"
"Whaddaya mean?"
"After Sin. Do you feel any different?"
"I'm not so sure I understand."
She clasped her hands in her lap. "What I mean is…has anything in your life changed now that Sin is gone?"
"Well, everyone's entire way of living has been changed, ya?"
"I mean your personal life."
He shrugged. "I dunno, Yuna. I haven't really noticed anything."
"Do you dream?"
Wakka ran a hand through his red spikes and sat on the ground before her, propping his arm on his risen knee. "Sometimes," he finally replied.
"About what?"
"Lots of stuff. Sometimes I dream about the fun times I had with Chappu. And sometimes I dream about your pilgrimage." He picked up the patched ball next to him and twirled it on his finger. "Sometimes I even dream about playin' ball, ya?"
"And you like them? You enjoy dreaming?"
"Sure I do. Everyone enjoys dreaming, ya know?"
Yuna cleared her throat. "I suppose I should."
Wakka put the ball down and craned his neck in a vain attempt to look into her eyes. "Did something happen, Yuna?"
"Perhaps you should let her alone," came the soft, low voice from his doorway.
Wakka spun around to see Lulu standing outside the door. "Whaddaya doin' here, Lu?"
She held up the small silver can clasped in her right hand. "I brought the paint you asked for."
Wakka looked down at the patched ball in remembrance. "Oh, yeah," he replied sheepishly, putting an embarrassed hand behind his head.
Yuna stood. "I'm sorry to disturb you," she said in quiet and rushed words, and made her way to the door.
Lulu blocked it with one long, slender arm. "Yuna," she said, voice firm and strong.
She looked up at her guardian. "Let me go," she whispered. "Please."
"Don't keep running from what you want," the sorceress stated, her voice barely registering above a whisper. "If you want to see him, you have to accept the fact that you'll only see him on his own terms. The truth is that he can't meet yours." She craned her neck to look at the sky behind her. "You will miss the sunset if you do not hurry," she finished, and dropped her arm from the door, stepping to the side so the flustered summoner could run to the docks.
She was, as always, on time for the sunset. And, as always, she rose her fingers to her mouth and moved her tongue over their tips, wetting them with saliva to facilitate her daily ritual
//I'll take you to zanarkand!//
She took in a deep lungful of air
//look where you know he is//
and readied to blow, to sound her whistle again, as always
//not where you want him to be//
before hesitating, and finally slipping them from her mouth and wiping them on her skirt, over the small bump in her pocket. She reached inside and pulled out her rolled up sleeve.
//you don't have to do that//
The broken sphere.
//I want to//
Why didn't you tell me when you knew? her mind asked, and listened as though he would answer. I could have lived with the fact that you were a dream. At least I could touch you, then. If I had known…would I have touched you sooner? Would you have reached back?
She watched as the sun began to touch down on the horizon and prepared to sink into the sea.
"Do you dream, Tidus?" she asked with broken voice. "Are you dreaming for me?"
//I'll zoom right over//
"I've started to forget you. Have you forgotten me?" She shook her head. "I never wanted to forget you. I never intended to. I want to remember…everything."
The sun continued its path below the ocean, always stopping to play with an anxious wave cap or excited ripple.
"You said you would stay with me always."
//I promise//
"I whistle every day…why aren't you here?"
Fire willingly sunk deeper and deeper into the harbinger of its death.
//let's go to the sea//
She clutched her rolled-up sleeve to her chest. "Must I surrender to my dreams in order to see you? Do I have to give up faith that one day you'll be here, on the docks, arms open, waiting for me?"
//before sunrise//
The sea, of course, was silent.
Yuna allowed a final, cleansing sigh to escape from her lips before closing her eyes in defeat.
Then I'll dream…for the both of us
She gently unrolled the sleeve and looked at the subdued green
//I just know you'll love it//
for several breathless moments, before she finally clung tightly to one end of the cloth and let go of the other, flinging the shattered sphere into the arms of the waiting sea.
His eyes slipped open and for the first time he looked around the watery abyss he inhabited. He blinked in confusion--he was not supposed to wake. Not alone.
His hands released the grip they held on his knees and he stretched his body for the first time, simply floating as he wondered about his rousing. If he was awake, then something should have stimulated him to do so--and there was nothing but water in his transparent chamber.
A sudden movement caught his eye and he saw a slow and hesitant light moving towards him, and he could hear the shrill, unmistakable sound of a whistle.
His eyes softened, and as he began to kick his legs to swim to surface, he smiled.
Yuna was waiting for him.
~End~