Our Endless Numbered Days

Chapter 12-Thoughts of Flight

June 30, 1981

For her seventeenth birthday, Josie and Matt had gone out. There was a festival going on in London and they'd taken off early in the morning and made a day of it. They spent the day arm in arm, occasionally kissing and acting couple-y, although Josie hadn't minded that much. He bought her candy floss and Josie ate it with such enthusiasm that the sugar crystals stuck to the corners of her mouth and it stained her lips bluish. Matt had laughed at her and told her she looked like she was in cardiac arrest. She had smacked him lightly upside the head, but laughed along with him. They had lay in the grass of a park and listened to the live band that was playing, enjoying the music, their hands intertwined. Later, Josie got her face painted—a rainbow and a unicorn adorning the left side of her face. That evening, they went out for a drink at a pub. Matt had gotten tipsy. Josie had gotten smashed. They stumbled home together and kissed passionately, in the foyer of her house. When the kiss had ended, Matt had caressed Josie's face, smudging the rainbow on her cheek, and he opened his mouth to say something. Josie knew it was coming, had been waiting for him to say something for ages so they could deal with it and move forward, but he never did. Her mother "stumbled" upon them, and ruined the moment.

Still, it was one of Josie's favorite memories. It was a memory that never failed to bring a smile to her face. Except for today. As she was dressed in an uncomfortable black and white strapless dress that kept falling down, forced to make small talk with relatives she saw twice a year—Christmas and Easter—while waiting for the Reynoldses to arrive, the memory made her a combination of wistful and sorrowful. She wondered what life would be like if her mother hadn't interrupted them. If Matt had confessed then that he was in love with her. She could admit to herself that she was probably a bit in love with him herself. But not anymore. If he had said something then, would she have said she loved him back? Would they have been a couple, like her mother had always wanted? No, she wouldn't have. Josie at seventeen was still incredibly stubborn. That hadn't changed. But she could see how, if he had said something a year ago that maybe, by now, she'd have warmed up to the idea and they'd be together. Hell, even if he had spoken up a month ago, at the beginning of the summer…before Sirius entered the picture.

But that didn't happen. But as she stood there waiting for him, adjusting her dress once more, and sipping on her glass of Coke, she couldn't help but wonder 'what if'.

Josie wasn't exactly sure what she was going to say to Matt when he arrived. They'd had no contact whatsoever since that night. She thought it best to give him some space. But with the moment of their arrival quickly coming, she tried to plan something to say to ease the awkward tension. They were still friends after all. Best friends, Josie reminded herself.

But were they?

And then they did come, Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds sweeping into the sitting room where everyone had gathered and made their way over to Josie immediately. Mrs. Reynolds gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and both of them wished her happy birthday. Mr. Reynolds held a gift in his hands, neatly wrapped in red wrapping paper. Josie noticed Tony and Constance (it had to be Constance as the girl flashed her a small smile as she passed) run by, eager to talk with two of her younger cousins, Gemma and Thomas, who were closer to their age. Soon enough, William and Darcy Reynolds left her side and Josie glanced towards the doorway. Ashley and Matt were both there; they had not crossed the threshold into the room. Finally, Ashley entered, a determined look on her face that Josie didn't care to notice. She was focused on Matt, who took one look at her, turned around and left.

A sense of despair filled her, one that she had not expected to feel. Matt was supposed to listen to her. He couldn't still be angry. It had been nearly two weeks! She placed her glass on the coffee table and made to go after him, but Ashley prevented her. Grabbing Josie's arm, the girl pulled her slightly. "Follow me. We need to have a talk." Josie wrenched her arm out of the other girl's grip.

"You don't get to tell me what to do," she hissed and started off down the hall to look for Matt. Ashley followed her.

"He doesn't want to talk to you," she called out, but Josie continued on undeterred. She ducked into her mother's parlor, hoping that Matt had gone there for a quiet moment, but it was deserted. She whirled around, trying to figure out where he could be, but she didn't get a chance to move forward. Ashley was in the doorway, spreading her arms across the archway.

"Ashley, get out of my way." Josie's voice was surprisingly calm. Ashley's eyes flashed with anger.

"No. You're going to leave my brother alone."

"Oh like hell I will! You don't have any right to tell me who I can and cannot associate with."

"He doesn't want to see you right now. He doesn't want to talk to you. Hell, he doesn't even want to hear your name."

"If he would just listen to what I had to—"

"No. He is not going to listen to what you have to say. You've done enough damage, Josephine Flanders!"

"I'm trying to fix that damage," Josie insisted eagerly.

"No you're not!" Ashley responded quickly. "You're just trying to make yourself feel less guilty for screwing around with his feelings."

"I didn't screw around with his feelings." Josie couldn't believe what the other girl was saying. Hadn't she done the right thing in regards to Matt? Who was she, to paint her out to be some maneating shrew who messed with people's lives?

"Oh, and what do you call this masquerade of 'friends with benefits' that you two have been pulling for the past two years, huh?"

"It's not like I lead him on!"

"But that's exactly what you did!"

"We had an arrangement," Josie tried to explain, her voice slow and patronizing. "And before it started, we agreed that it was no strings attached affection. I didn't want a relationship and neither did he. And if he did, well then he wasn't being honest with me when he should have. I never lead your brother on. From the very beginning I was explicitly clear about what I did and did not want from him. And we both agreed that, in the event that one of us developed feelings for the other, then we'd call the whole thing off! We'd stop. And then we'd figure out how to move forward, because our friendship was the most important thing. And that, Ashley, is why I'm trying to find your brother, so I can fix this mess, and we can hopefully get on with our lives with our friendship intact!"

"Oh, who are you fooling, Josie. You're just so scared of commitment that you're failing to see what's right in front of you. My brother loves you and you love him. But you're too much of a chicken to act on it!" Ashley accused.

"You're right. Commitment scares the pants of me. I'm not perfect. I have flaws, Ashley. You would certainly know, as it's all you ever see when you look at me. But that's not why I don't want to be in a relationship with your brother. The fact of the matter is that I'm not in love with him, like you and everyone else in the goddamn world seem to believe!"

"Stop lying to yourself," Ashley all but growled.

"Ashley!" Matt was standing behind his sister, his eyes dark and unforgiving as he looked at the pair of women in the parlor. "That's enough." Ashley's face colored.

"But Matt—"

"Go back to the other room. Mom was looking for you." Ashley pursed her lips, clearly annoyed at being dismissed, but she did as she was told. She stalked down the hallway and when her footsteps faded away and she disappeared from his sight, Matt turned his gaze to Josie. She was standing apprehensively, her left arm crossing her body to clutch the elbow of her right. Her gaze was on the floor, her posture deflated. He took a deep breath and stepped into the room. "We should sit." He motioned towards the chairs in the room, but Josie didn't move.

"How much of that did you hear?"

"A bit." Matt shrugged.

"Matt…" Josie started.

"No, no. It's good. I needed to hear it." Josie sighed.

"I know. But…I wouldn't have said it like that. Not to you."

"Look, Josie," she peered out at him from under her lashes, watching a he nervously began to pace. "I can't…"

"You can't," Josie repeated when Matt didn't continue, prompting him to continue.

"I know that we agreed that we'd always be friends, even if this…thing between us stopped. But I can't be your friend right now. I just…can't."

"Oh. Okay then," Josie murmured.

"Okay. I'm gonna go now."

"Um, you know," Josie finally lifted her head and looked Matt in the eye, "if you want, you could go hide out in my room for the party. I'll just tell everyone you were feeling ill." Matt shot her a smile, but it quickly disappeared off his face, as if he remembered who he was smiling at.

"No. I'll be okay for tonight. Just…"

"We're not friends. I got it."

"Right."

"And, um, Matt?"

"Yeah, Josie?"

"You'll let me know, right? When we can be friends again?"

"If we can be friends again, then yeah, I'll let you know." And with those words he exited the parlor. Josie sighed and drifted over to one of the chairs, plopping down. Her eyes were welling up with tears. She pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers, pressing on her tear ducts, and breathed in deeply, trying to ward off the tears. She waited a moment, and thankfully, they subsided.

But now she had no excuse to stay in the parlor. So she got up and went back to the living room, where everyone was still gathered. She glanced at the clock in the hall on her way out. It wouldn't be long now, before dinner was served. Dessert wouldn't be long afterwards. And then everyone would leave, and the day would be over. And then, only then, would she allow herself to cry.

"Oi! Josie! Where you going?" Josie stopped where she was, three steps up the flight, her high heels that she had slipped off just moments before in her hand. The night was over. Dinner had been lovely, but tense. Dessert had been eaten. Presents had been opened. She'd thanked everyone for coming and they had all filtered out the door not ten minutes ago. And now, here was Sirius, trying to prevent her from flopping down in her bed and not moving until morning.

"I'm tired, Sirius. And I'm going to bed." Her voice was strained.

"You can't go to bed now!"

"I can and I will." And she began to make her way up the stairs again.

"Wait, Josie wait! I have a gift for you."

"Can't it wait until the morning?" Josie whined.

"No, it can't." he moved toward the stairs and handed her a box. It was wrapped in blue paper with brooms and balls that flew around. She stared at it for a moment, watching them zip around, fascinated, before Sirius prompted her, "Go on, open it."

"You didn't have to buy me a gift, Sirius. I don't need anything." But the truth was Josie was touched. She never thought Sirius would get her a gift, especially because she hadn't mentioned her birthday to him at all.

"Of course I did. Eighteen is an important year for you muggles, right?" She giggled.

"Yeah, yeah it is." She began to open it, carefully detaching the paper where it had been taped down; the wrapping paper was too interesting to rip. Sirius waited patiently as she unwrapped the gift, revealing a white box. Sitting down on the stairs, Josie perched the box on her lap and lifted off the top, revealing a gorgeous, white leather coat, with fringe along the arms and back. "Oh my God. Sirius! It's wonderful!"

"Go on then, put it on."

"I don't need to wear a leather jacket to bed, Sirius."

"I thought we established that you weren't going to bed."

"No you're not. C'mon, go get changed. And wear that jacket! I have another surprise for you."

"Sirius, really, I'm tired, and except for this moment right now, I've had a crap night. Can't whatever you have planned wait?"

"No. Now, if you're not ready to go in ten minutes, then I'm going to drag you out in whatever you're wearing. And trust me, you going to want a good pair of jeans and that jacket." Josie stayed on the stairs, only moving to cross her arms over her chest in a challenge. Sirius raised an eyebrow at her. "Go on now. Don't think I won't do it. You've got nine minutes now."

"Fine." Josie stood up and began to climb the stairs again. "But I'm not happy about it." The next nine minutes went by quickly for Josie but dragged on for Sirius who was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. While Josie changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Sirius began to question what he was doing. He shifted his weight back and forth on his feet, swaying slightly, as he waited. He was jittery, his hands playing with the hem of his shirt. And the longer that he waited, the more it appeared that the self-confident persona that he projected was really just a façade. Sirius Black was nervous. And while he played that he would go and get Josie, he knew he'd be crushed if she didn't come down.

Marlene had been right. He didn't want to admit it, but he fancied the pants off Josie Flanders. It had been a long time since he'd felt like this, and with everything else that was going on at the moment, he wasn't sure if he could handle the rejection. What little hope he had left clung to the possibility of her returning his feelings.

Thankfully, Josie came down the stairs, wearing her new leather jacket and a broad smile. Sirius smiled back at her.

"Shall we?"

"Are you going to tell me what we're doing?"

"It'll be easier if I showed you. C'mon, it's outside." Josie huffed playfully, but followed him to the door and outside. On the street was a parked motorbike. "Ta da!"

"It's a motorbike." Sirius' smile grew wider.

"It's not just any motorbike, it's my motorbike." He walked up to it and picked up the two helmets that were perched on the seat. Keeping one to himself, he reached out and offered the other to Josie. Gently, she took it from him, but she didn't put it on.

"This is what you wanted to show me? Your motorbike?" Sirius nodded.

"Yeah, we're going for a ride." Josie rolled her eyes.

"This is what couldn't wait?" Sirius nodded once more. "You may find this hard to believe, Sirius, but this isn't exactly the first time I've been on a motorbike."

"Not like this one."

"Oh? What does that mean? Did you do something freaky to it? I mean, is it magic?" Josie questioned excitedly.

"Of course it is!"

"What does it do?" Sirius' eyes lit up in the dark, mischievous.

"You're just gonna have to wait and see, won't you?" He walked over to the motorbike and got on, putting the helmet on his head. He started it and with the first roar of the engine, Josie put her helmet on and got behind him, circling her arms around his torso. The bike took off fast, faster than Josie thought was probably safe and she clung tighter to Sirius. Suddenly, the bike turned down an alley; it was a dead end, but Sirius wasn't slowing down.

"Sirius!" Josie yelled in his ear over the noise of the motorbike, but he continued undeterred. Suddenly, the bike took flight, levitating out of the alleyway and up into the sky. Terrified, Josie screamed and dug her fingers into Sirius, her eyes squeezed shut. As their ascent stopped being so steep and the motorbike leveled out in the sky, Josie opened one eye. The sight of the night sky and the twinkling lights of London below them awed her. Her eyes opened wide now, her grip on Sirius slackened as they sped across the sky. Not knowing where to focus, her eyes flitted from the stars, the clouds, the buildings of London, to the man sitting in front of her. A disbelieving laugh bubbled up from her throat that soon formed into an enthusiastic whoop. Getting more comfortable on the bike—she was now reassured that they weren't going to fall out of the sky—Josie slowly let go of Sirius and threw her arms out to the side and closed her eyes, savoring the feeling of flight.

Eventually, the ride ended, Sirius landing in a field. Josie had no idea where they were, only that they were clearly outside of London. When the motorbike came to a stop, Josie hopped off and lifted the helmet from her head. Shaking out her hair, she began to chatter, adrenaline from the experience still coursing through her.

"Sirius, that was the most amazing thing I've ever done." Sirius got off the bike slowly. Josie began to pace, having too much energy to stay in one spot. "I mean, we were flying! We were in the air! I felt a cloud run through my fingers!" She was babbling, but she couldn't stop. "It was just so…exhilarating. I mean, it was like sky diving, but backwards. And safer, because—" Sirius grabbed hold of her wrist and immediately she stopped pacing, frozen mid-step, mid-sentence. They locked eyes, but neither of them said anything. Time almost seemed to slow, to allow them both to drag out this particular moment as long as possible. The contact between them, the feeling of his hand on her wrist, stopped all her thoughts and she could only focus on the fact that he was touching her, touching her, softly, sweetly, almost nervously. Hyperaware of his skin on hers, her whole arm began to tingle and a shiver went through her. Sirius didn't seem to notice; he also seemed to be preoccupied with the fact that his hand and her wrist were connected. Impulsively, he pulled her towards him.

Slowly, she allowed herself to be drawn into his chest. Finally contact was severed; he dropped her wrist, and suddenly time began to catch up again, and what felt like an eternity before, felt like far too little time now. He could feel it too, and instinctively he wrapped his arms around her, in a foolish attempt to stop time from passing once more. Josie placed her hands on his chest. She could feel his heart beating rapidly under her right hand. Their eyes had never left each other's, and now, closer to Sirius, Josie had to tilt her head slightly to maintain eye contact. He was smiling the widest smile she had ever seen. She grinned back at him. Sirius swallowed thickly, preparing to speak.

"Josie?"

"Yeah?" She responded, breathless.

"Happy birthday." And then he kissed her.