Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Cept the plot...

Pairing: Main: Riku/Sora Side: Leon/Cloud, Mickey/Minnie, and others...

Warnings: Yaoi (lemon later), swearing, and a bunch of other things...

WARNING. THERE IS SMUT (or whatever the heck you wanna call it) IN THIS CHAPTER. Just a little bit, nothing too graphic...

Rating: M

Chapters: Probably less than five...

Summary: So...according to his now MIA dictionary... He, Riku, was in love with Sora, his best friend. He could live with that. He just hoped Kairi and Cleon would let him.

Review?

No flames!

Authors Note: I PROMISE you wont have to wait another full year for an update! FORGIVE ME! X3

Loving Words of Sarcasm

Chapter 2: In Which a Tree Has Nothing to Do With It

"...and then they made me their chief!"

Riku wanted nothing more than to pull a Leon at the moment and shun the world like a socially-retarded recluse. Maybe then he wouldn't have to deal with people "re-introducing" themselves to him. He whole-heartedly blamed Sora for his current anguish. After the king had dismissed them, Sora had tried to convince their small group to join everyone else in the hall where all the so called "bonding" was taking place.

Cleon had made the excuse of being too "tired" and practically ran to where the king mentioned their rooms were. (They had each gotten a separate room but Cleon insisted they should be allowed to bunk together on account of the fact "they said so".) Riku wasn't stupid. He knew enough Cleonese to know that by "tired" they actually meant "we're about to jump each other's bones".

Riku watched them go and almost suggested to Sora that they go "rest" up too. His alternative was quickly murdered, however, by Kairi who practically threw them into the hall. A huge feat considering the girl was tiny and the hall was fifty feet away from them at that point.

And so Riku found himself...here. Here being an apparent AA meeting...listening to a drunk named Jack recount all the greatest moments in his life. Starting from his birth all the way until he got eaten by a giant octopus. Or so Riku gathered. He stopped listening about a minute later and only caught a phrase here or there. None of which made sense.

Sora however was laughing and following along with the plot line.

"All ye met young William here yet? Boy 'as a 'ard time sittin' still...'ave to watch 'im carefully otherwise 'e might go do sumthin' stupid. 'is distressing damsel too..." Riku watched as the "pirate" slurred out his statement and was helped by another man, "William" he supposed, whom was muttering apologies to the audience.

"Isn't this great?! Are you having fun? I am!" Sora turned to face him fully, a huge grin on his face.

Riku resisted the urge to summon his keyblade and run himself through as an obvious answer to how much "fun" he was having. So instead he let his sarcasm speak for him.

"I think I had more fun when I was getting my wisdom teeth pulled."

Sora gave a pout, "Aww...Kairi's having fun...lighten up Riku!"

Riku raised an eyebrow and glanced to where Kairi was animatedly talking with the rest of the princesses before turning a twitching eye to Sora. "The only way you're going to get me to 'lighten up' is if you set me on fire. And I'm warning you Sora, char my beautiful silver locks and I will retaliate. My revenge will be cold and swift and you'll never see it coming." Riku paused for dramatic effect. "Never."

"Riku. You're a weirdo."

"And you're the weirdo's best friend. Guess who drew the short straw there?"

Sora retort was interrupted by a new voice. "Sora!"

And here was another bright shining example of why Riku hated being here. People kept talking to Sora, kept hugging Sora, kept touching Sora, kept stealing Sora's attention from Riku.

And according to the gospel according to Riku, this was sacrilege.

The silverette knew that if he were to act like the possessive caveman he was inwardly turning into, Sora would never speak to him again. So, using sheer force of will, Riku turned to the new faces, gave a fake smile and restrained the urge to kill or maim any "competition".

Riku surprised himself by recognizing the couple in front of them. They were from that one place...the Land of...Lizards...? With that guy...and with the people...and the other people...and the snow. He remembered the snow. He remembered pulling a "Sora" and falling down the mountain via a huge snowball that resulted from said fall. (He later told Mickey that the bruises he had attained were from a huge heartless battle...instead of the tree that stopped his descent further down the mountain...the king merely smirked at him, which only served to scare the crap out of him before reassuring Riku that he believed him.)

Sora, meanwhile, quickly stood from his chair and bowed before lunging at the couple to give them a hug. "Shang! Mulan!" The couple laughed and hugged Sora back before they released him and stepped back a bit.

"Interesting little gathering huh?" the woman, presumably Mulan, noted.

If interesting meant stupid then yeah, Riku agreed.

Sora, however, beamed. "I think it's great! All my friends in one place. It's fantastic. Huh, Riku?" Sora turned to him which resulted in Mulan and Shang turning to face him as well. Riku wanted to say something nice. He did...really. But his fuse had been eaten up by the drunk pirate not ten feet away. So Riku settled for the lesser evil and gave the brunette a dry glance, which might have bordered on a glare, and said nothing.

Sora pouted and turned back to the couple who merely looked amused. Riku spared the trio one last glance before he walked towards where some chairs and tables had been set up, spotted an empty table, and sat down. Riku sighed and ran his hands through his perfect silver locks. By no means was Riku some isolated loner who wrote poems about how much his life sucked when he was alone, but he did appreciate the quiet once in awhile, a rare occurrence when he had Sora, the bouncing ball of energy who-just-wouldn't-shut-up, for a best friend. Yes, the quiet was nice...

"HEY THERE FRIIEENND!" a voice boomed in his ear.

HOLY FREAKIN' KINGDOM HEARTS!

While Riku's heart did a nice little impression of a hammering drum, his outward appearance remained blank. Well, hopefully his try of radiating killing intent and annoyance would become palpable soon, however. He turned and spotted a large grinning BLUE face popping his personal bubble.

Riku hated having his bubble intruded upon.

"Hey there buddy! So how's Sora's little sidekick doing, huh?"

Riku had a feeling he wasn't going to be able to leave this damn place without having murdered a least a couple of people. Guess who made top of the list?

"I'm just kidding! Ha ha! Everyone knows you and the Keyblade Master have a little something, something, going on! Now, spill!" the blue genie grinned and plopped down into one of the chairs. Riku opened his mouth, thought better of it, and closed it again. He was pretty sure catching people on fire came under the "Things Cleon and Kairi Will Eat You Alive For List" the king had so happily slipped into his pocket before leaving his office. Although...did giant blue men really count as people? Eh, better safe than having Kairi set loose on him...

"So!" the genie nudged him with his elbow. "What's up with you and my buddy Sora? Someone doesn't gander round the worlds to just find a friend. You two must be pretty close huh?" the genie gave him a wink at the word "close".

Huh. Riku idly wondered how pissed Sora would be if Riku outed the both of them to this magic wielding fiend who would no doubt magically conjure up banners and posters publicly cementing their gayness to the world…

It'd be even funnier if Sora wasn't…gay...haha...funny...

Oh...shit.

Rejection hadn't even crossed Riku's mind before this. What if Sora...rejected him? Didn't want him...in any way? ...could Riku handle that?

Sora's laughter suddenly rang out and both himself and the genie turned to look at the brunette who had just shared a good joke with Shang and Mulan. The brunette's eyes had lit up and his smile was so big...and gorgeous...and wow.

Sora was...undeniably Riku's light. Without him...Riku would be blind again. Nothing would ever...matter. The beating organ in his chest might be keeping him alive but his heart, his true heart, resided in the boy with the beautiful blue eyes and dazzling spirit. Riku's reason for living...

"You okay there buddy? You know, I was just fooling..." the genie's tone turned concerned but Riku was paying very little attention now. "But...I can tell you really like the kid... I'm satisfied."

That caught his attention and Riku looked up into the gentle smile of the blue man.

Riku raised an eyebrow, "Eh?"

The genie grinned then and ruffled his silver locks. Riku would never admit to it, but he bristled like a cat at that. The genie chuckled before settling back into his chair. "I like the kid. He's got spunk. Al and his gal like him too. He's a good kid. He's made a place for himself in the hearts of a lot of people here. He's helped all of us in some way. So it only makes sense we look after him too ya know?" Riku restrained himself from rolling his eyes and saying how corny that all sounded but he nodded regardless. "The kid likes ya, obviously."

Riku's, er, doubts, were not assuaged however. He merely nodded and glanced back to the boy whom had unintentionally stolen his heart.

No, Riku thought.

He was the boy Riku had willingly given his heart to.

He just hoped Sora was willing to do the same.

-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-

Squall Leonhart stared at his blond lover. Out of all the things the dumb blond could have done to ruin the mood, this must have been the worst. Here Leon was, ready to make hot passionate love to the love of his life, and the blond goes and says that.

"Squall?" Cloud said, questioning, yet it still retained it's normal dry tone. Leon glanced down at the beautiful blue eyes he loved. Cloud shifted beneath him and Leon sighed. He got off the blond and laid on his back and ran a hand through hair before they moved to cover his eyes.

"The mood." Leon began.

Cloud sat up and raised an eyebrow.

"You've killed it."

Leon wasn't surprised when he felt a hard jab to his side and didn't bother hiding his wince. He merely just lay there and tried to make sense of the mood-killing statement Cloud had uttered beforehand.

"Riku likes Sora."

Leon groaned. "Stop saying it."

He felt Cloud shift besides him. "Doesn't make it any less true."

"He's too young."

"Squall."

"Riku's crazy."

"Squall."

"They're both boys."

"…"

"…his lunacy is rubbing off on me."

"This…could be a good thing."

Leon took his hand away from his face and stared at Cloud who was looking out the window of 'their' room (technically they were each given a separate room but whatever). Leon stared at his lover's blond spikes, blue eyes, and contemplative expression.

"…Riku has seen my weapon of choice correct?"

Cloud gave him a dry glance. "Do you think Sora would let that fly?"

"Who cares what Sora wants. I want his best interests at heart. I also want to go back to our earlier activities." With that said Leon grabbed the blond and they were once again in their earlier position. Leon bent down and kissed his love's soft lips. Cloud made no protest this time and spread his legs wider to accommodate the brunette. Leon growled in approval. It'd been awhile since Leon had taken Cloud whilst both were facing each other. He couldn't wait to see the blond's face as Leon drove them both to complete ecstasy. He smirked as he gave his blue-eyed lover a small bite on the neck while simultaneously lifting Cloud's leg over his own shoulder. He felt himself prod at the blond's entrance and prepared to thrust to the hilt-

"I wonder if Riku will be this rough with Sora?"

To hell with this!

Leon, using strength he hoped to every deity he would never have to use, dropped the blond on the bed and rolled over facing away from his now fuming lover. He stayed still for all of two seconds before grabbing his pants off the floor, throwing them on, and marching towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Cloud's voice sounded uninterested but Leon knew better.

Leon turned. "To my room!" He stomped the remaining two steps and slammed the door shut.

Cloud blinked. Yawned. Then curled back unto the bed. He idly wondered if both Sora and he had a preference for morons.

"Idiot. This is his room."

-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-

"Having fun?" the king asked him with a grin.

Due to the close bond that he had forged with the mouse King over the fact they had been stuck in the darkness for so long, Riku felt like he owed him the truth.

"Tons."

Close bond or not, no one escaped Riku's sarcastic wrath…especially when he was ON THE VERGE OF HOMICIDE.

"Aww…" the king didn't bother to fake any sympathy and gave him another grin. Riku felt his eyes morph into their natural glare. Happiness right now made him wanna key blade something.

"Have you seen Leon by any chance?" the king asked innocently enough. Riku felt his eye twitch. The silverette had thus far been relieved he hadn't seen the brunette. His absence truly made Riku feel as if he were on "vacation"…the icing to this sweet cake would be Sora…vowing eternal love for his person…and lacking clothes as he did so while Riku finally took that final step and made sweet love to-

"You alright?" Riku's eye began to twitch harder as Goofy Junior shook his shoulder and Riku had an internal seizure as someone's hands other than his own laid hands…on himself. Ahem.

"It's Riku right?" the girlfriend of Goofy's spawn asked kindly and Riku gave a very small nod. That and, if he was forced to speak, he'd havta pretend to know their names…which he did not, obviously.

"Why are you mumbling?" the Spawn asked, he looked amused.

Riku opened his mouth, thought against it, and shut it quickly. He heard the king sigh besides him and move so that he was between Riku and the Spawn.

"Riku. Speak." the king commanded gently. Riku opened his mouth and snapped it shut and glared when the king giggled a "That's a good boy."

The Spawn raised an eyebrow while his girl gave a soft laugh before amusedly taking a glance around the room. Something interesting must have caught her eye because she gave a delighted gasp, poked her boyfriend in the side, and alerted them to a presence apparently coming their way. The Spawn's eyes grew wide and he gave this big ridicules goofy grin and Riku felt like hitting him for being happy.

"PJ!" he laughed and Riku felt someone rush past him before both the Spawn and his girl were being pulled into a bone crushing hug by someone a few inches shorter than them.

Riku used this time to escape.

…or he would have, had the king not grabbed onto his shirt and held him there with a playful command of "stay".

Riku glared.

The king ignored him.

Riku glared harder.

The king brought the "group's" attention on them.

"Hey PJ, this is my good friend Riku. Riku, this is PJ."

Riku gave an over dramatized sigh of woe.

"Um, hey there?" the stranger, PJ, laughed nervously. Riku scrutinized him. Because Riku didn't feel like playing nice. Riku wanted to leave. Now.

A laugh interrupted them. A light, female laugh. Which only served to irritate Riku further. He turned to the noise of the (to him) cackle and raised an eyebrow at Kairi, who was now sporting a dress similar to Jasmine's, mid drift exposed and all, and she was grinning brightly. "Don't worry!" she assured the newcomer. "It's his time of the month, he's like this to everyone right now." she laughed.

The group (minus Riku) gave her blank stares, even as their faces flushed.

Riku, who knew that almost EVERY OTHER WORLD out there except for apparently their own, actually valued decency and such raised an eyebrow. But he held in his own cackle at the group's discomfort.

"Uhh…" the girl, puzzled by their reaction cocked her head to the side. "My name's Kairi…" she trailed off, twirling a piece of her hair between her fingers. "Uh…yeah."

Inner Riku was enjoying her torment. A lot.

"Oh!" PJ snapped his fingers. "Yeah, I heard of you! You're the Keyblade Master's girlfriend!"

Kairi laughed neverosuly and for once actually thought of her own safety and inched away from Riku, whose face he could feel was trying to attain the ability of burning people to a crisp with his stare alone.

"Um…she laughed, "No, not exactly-"

Even Riku felt 'the crazy' seep into his eyes and Kairi sweat dropped.

"Not at all." She corrected quickly and laughed…again. "He's like a little brother to me! And…I'm the big sister. I'm the one people deal with if they hurt him in anyway…isn't that right…Riku?"

Riku felt like the tables had turned and idly wondered if 'the crazy' could only possess one person at a time…and what exactly this meant for Riku now that Kairi was eyeing him like a mama lion might eye something that was wanting to eat her babies…

"I mean…" the red headed girl continued sweetly, and bent down so that her cleavage was visible, "don't you agree Riku? Anyone wanting to harm our little Sora would have to be taught a lesson?"

Riku felt himself nod.

Girls…if Riku had his dictionary, he was pretty sure they'd be defined as "scary ass demons from hell…who like spending other people's money while shopping".

"I'm glad we understand each other." Kairi straightened up, gave the group a little goodbye wave before skipping away to annoy someone else.

"…I felt like there was an underlying message there." Goofy's Spawn said slowly.

"There was." Riku muttered at the same time that the King gave a nervous laugh.

"Riku, why don't you go find Leon? There's something I need to talk to him about." Mickey said, somewhat serious. Riku raised an eyebrow. He idly wondered what the king wanted the scarred brunette for…maybe the king was building an army of robots and needed someone to teach them to be emotionless…but then…this wouldn't bold well for Riku…considering the brunette half of Clean wanted to annihilate him half the time…that meant that the king's request could be considered a suicide mission…and Riku was kinda feeling a little emo…but not to this extent.

Therefore…

"I…" Riku hoped that the statement about to leave his mouth was better than death-by-robot-Leon-leading-army, "…want…to…talk…with them." (Them meant the now gaping group of individuals that Riku didn't really want to associate with right now...or ever.)

Never before had Riku felt such pain while uttering a few simple words…oh wait…there was that time when Kairi had made him say, out loud, that he, Riku, was wrong.

That one almost gave him a stroke…

The king however, was looking at him with wide eyes. Riku stared back with as much innocence as he could possibly fake…until an odd thought hit him.

With a flourish and elegance that Riku knew is what made him drop dead sexy, he stood and leveled the king with a challenging glare. He brought his face very, very close to the startled mouse king before stating the words that would make the king realize Riku was on to him.

"I'm onto you." Riku then turned and walked away, knowing that victory would be his.

Meanwhile, King Mickey watched his friend walk away and wondered what in the world just happened. Max, Roxanne, and PJ seemed to echo his train of thought because they too watched Riku walk away before turning to their king.

"…he was…interesting." Max said slowly. Mickey looked to Goofy's son and nodded.

"Is he always…so interesting?" Roxanne asked, scooting closer to her boyfriend.

Mickey Mouse thought back to all of Riku's actions, past and present, and his thoughts lingered on a certain event before his eyes went wide with realization. How could he not have seen it before? It was so clear now that Mickey slapped his hand to his face in comprehension.

Riku's odd reaction to things…his blank stare as drool slipped down his face when he thought no one was looking…his apparent lack of social skills to anyone BUT Sora…'the crazy' that would occasionally slip into his eyes at random moments…everything was coming together…

"I KNEW it!" the mouse king exclaimed, startling several people in the near vicinity. "That TREE did do more damage than I thought!"

Knowing that he had to help his friend in any way possible, the king momentarily forgot about his need to find Leon, and went off to find Riku. The poor boy must be in desperate need of help!

Seeing their king run off like a firework had been lit under him, the three remaining in the group could only blink and had a moment to digest what was happening before someone else sat down heavily in the kings previous spot. A bottle of alcohol was waved in their faces before their attention was driven to the man trying to get their attention.

"Da name's Capt'n Jack Sparrow, n Imma tell ye a funny story! It all start'd wit' me pa' n me mum! Ye see, me mum a had too much ta drink-"

(Had Riku been there with them, at this exact moment, he would have either began to laugh uproariously or gone through with his threat of impending homicide.)

-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-

Having realized he had nothing to do other than make himself more paranoid over that fact that everyone, even the king apparently, was out to get him, Riku tried to find a place to think in peace.

And, voila! He found one.

It was a nice isolated place with only one colorfully decorated carpet in the area. Riku sighed as he dropped himself on the carpet and closed his eyes for a moment.

His new found paranoia should have made him weary of the carpet too. Poor, poor Riku…

-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-

"Have you seen Riku? He's this tall and has silver hair and everything he says sounds kinda sarcastic and weird?"

Sora motioned his statements with hand gestures and pulled at his own hair to make his point clear. "I've been looking for him awhile now and I can't seem to find him! And the last person I talked to said you were kinda lucky and it seems I need luck to find him!"

Sora received two eye blinks in response.

Just as he was about to give up, he heard a voice that made his hope rise and a smile adorn his face.

"IT'S POSSESSED! THIS FREAKING CARPET IS POSSESSED!"

Sora looked up to see his best friend riding the Magic Carpet from Aladdin's world and he inwardly shook his head. He needed to learn how to have fun like Riku! Thinking that if he hurried, he could ride the carpet too, so he turned to the small cricket on the table he had approached for help a few minutes ago and gave a huge grin.

"Mushu was right! You are lucky! Thanks a lot!"

Then Sora ran off.

Unknowingly to Sora, Leon had seen the whole thing. He stared at the gravity defying bane of his existence and the brunette who had bounced away to join him before sitting down besides the small cricket Sora had talked to.

"I should've just stayed in bed."