I DO NOT OWN D GRAY MAN!

So, this is purely a crack-ish fic that I'm writing here, so you non-shounen-ai / shojo-ai fans should't have anything to fear. I don't like shounen-ai either, so I'm not really sure what made me think of this. I never got around to write this, until now.

This is probably a story with several parts, since the plot was too long for just a oneshot, but I'm not sure when the next chapter is up. Depends on a lot of things, like how many people review, how much time will I have while writing my other stories, etc...

Poor Miranda. Some major OOC-ness to come, complete with a lot of broken hearts and a Timcanpy that doesn't want to help the only people that are still sane.

Enjoy the Kanda in this chapter.

Miranda did not want to wake up that morning.

It wasn't really unusual that she didn't, because more often than not she was afraid that when she opened her eyes, she'd find herself back in her small apartment, alone and useless... back in that day. She was afraid that all this - her new friends and the Innocence that gave her life a proper meaning - was just a dream her mind made up when she had fallen asleep, drunk.

Still, she would always open her eyes and find out that she's safely in her room in the Black Order Headquarters, and with a quick glance around the room, she'd see the old grandfather clock that once held her Innocence: that was more than enough to calm her down. She'd smile and stand up, get dressed and head for the cafeteria.

This day was different.

She did not want to open her eyes.

When she thought about it, she could say for sure that it wasn't because she was scared that she'd be back in her hometown in Germany... she could feel her Innocence's presence in the room, so she had to be in the Headquarters. What was the reason for it, then, she did not know but the voice in the back of her head was so compelling when it told her that this was not a good day to get up.

However, Miranda was different now. She was not the old, useless Miranda that was too afraid to take action, anymore. She was stronger, and with an angry scoff, she tried to staunch the feeling as she forced her eyes open and sat up on her bed so quickly that her eyes were spinning for a while after that but once she could focus her gaze on the room around her, she found that everything was as it should be.

'There's nothing. I should've known.'

Smiling, she got up and pulled on some clothes - leaving her uniform untouched since she didn't have a mission that day - and picked up the Time record. A strange, warm feeling settled inside her as she touched it, and her smile widened while she placed it where it always was when she went somewhere. Miranda did not want to leave it anywhere, she didn't feel whole when it wasn't around.

With a light spacing, she walked to her door and twisted the doorknob with the smile still there - but her face fell as soon as she took the first step out of the room, suddenly feeling heavy and weary. The feeling that she shouldn't wake up today came back, now even more compelling than before and it was only with great effort that she managed to drag her feet away from the door that she closed slowly behind her, thinking, whether she should stay in her own room the whole day.

That was something that the old Miranda would do, not the new, stronger one. Besides, what was there to be afraid of? She was in the Headquarters, nothing could happen there, right?

Still, she couldn't shake off the feeling that something was wrong when she made her way to the cafeteria, practically dragging her unwilling body behind. The corridors of the new Headquarters were deserted, which she found odd - usually there were at least guards or Finders everywhere - but decided not to worry about it too much, since it was only six a.m and some people were probably still asleep. Besides, if there had been someone, they might have given her weird looks, now she didn't have to mind the fact that she was walking at a snail's pace and could safely glance over her shoulder every once in a while.

Miranda sighed in relief as she saw the cafeteria entrance in front of her - she had gotten lost in this new building quite a few times already - and walked closer to the doors that were closed - not a common sight, but she thought it was still so early that perhaps they hadn't opened them yet.

Then, once she reached out her hand to push the doors open, her knees suddenly gave out under her and she fell to the cold stone floor with a yelp. Surprised, she looked at her legs, that felt just fine a second ago, but now it felt like she had suddenly lost her ability to use them at all. She was happy that no one was there to see her in the state she was in.

Sighing, she grabbed the door's handle above her and tried to drag herself back up, only to find that her legs were like Jello, not able to support her at all. She glared at them.

"It's only the cafeteria, what could possibly go wrong in there?" she asked. The legs didn't answer but slowly she begun to feel them regaining their sense back and she was able to pull her thin body up making her grin in satisfaction. She looked at the doors again, hearing the familiar clatter coming from inside, indicating that there were already quite a lot of people inside.

So, why did she feel so bad about going inside?

'It's still not too late to run...' a voice that often spoke like the old Miranda said, but the new one shook her head, and in a burst of bravery, she pushed both doors open, opening the view into the cafeteria, where everything was... completely normal. Maybe there were a bit more people than she expected, but other than that, she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. Everyone was sitting awfully close to each other, though, and she saw many guards and Finders hugging each other from the corners of her eyes, but didn't turn to look - it was rude to stare.

She took her place at the end of the line, behind some Finders that were laughing and talking loudly to themselves, but she didn't dare to look up at them, or listen in to what they were saying. She had entered the dining hall briskly, but now she felt so small all of a sudden... When Kanda walked behind her, the feeling only grew stronger and she tried to be as invisible as she could. She found it weird, though, that Kanda seemed oddly sad that day - his shoulders were slumped, and he didn't even bother sporting the usual cold glare he had.

Soon, she was standing at the counter, facing Jeryy, the Order's top chef, who was usually beaming at everyone around him. Today was different: he was looking into the distance as if he didn't even see Miranda, who was standing right in front of him and he kept sighing. He looked sad, somehow, and Miranda wondered, if she should ask him about it, but he spoke before she could open her mouth.

"What do you want?"

Miranda blinked, it was unusual to hear Jeryy speak with that tone to anyone: she was used to him chirping and singing everything out. She saw Kanda make a funny movement from the corner of her eye, but was too afraid to turn and look. He was probably thinking that she took too long and the woman hurried to place her order. Jeryy sighed again, and turned away before disappearing from view, leaving Miranda standing there with Kanda, uncomfortably. When he came back after a few minutes, he just muttered something inaudible and shoved the tray over to her.

Miranda couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Ummm... is something wrong? You seem sad."

Jeryy looked straight into her eyes, before smiling sadly.

"No, everything is fine... just some heartaches, you understand, right?"

Miranda blinked, and then smiled.

"Ah, so you're in love?"

At that moment she was suddenly pushed aside to the floor, making several people around them gasp as Kanda fiercely took Jeryy's hands in his and stared into the chef's eyes with an intense look that no one had ever seen in the Japanese Exorcist's eyes. The whole cafeteria went silent as their eyes were on Miranda - who was on the floor, just barely keeping her break feast from falling to the ground as well - and Kanda and Jeryy, whose eyes were suddenly filled with tears as he tried to look anywhere but the man in front of him.

Miranda took this moment to look around, and frowned. So many people - males, mostly - were holding hands and hugging, even while they were keeping an eye on Kanda. What was going on? She was used to people being... normal. Not that she had anything against homosexuality, but why would everyone show it today?

The feeling came back.

"How could you...?" Kanda asked, apparently unaware that everyone had stopped what they're doing to watch the spectacle. Jeryy shook his head, tears falling down his cheeks.

"You know it could never work between us, Kanda... I love someone else," he said.

Miranda felt like someone had just slapped her, and her mouth fell open. Kanda and Jeryy, too?

Kanda didn't let go of the chef's hands, but looked down making his bangs cover his eyes, giving him a dark look. He was trembling from the feelings he tried to supress.

"Who..." he started with a hoarse voice and took a break as he tried to keep himself from shouting. "Who is it?"

Jeryy slipped his other hand from his and placed it on Kanda's cheek, making the Exorcist look up at him. "Don't hurt him, please."

Kanda's eyes narrowed and he let his hands fall down to his sides, where his fingers caressed Mugen's hilt. "It's the Moyashi. I should've known."

"Kanda, no!"

Kanda turned around, unsheathing Mugen, only to face the tip of a hammer before he could take one step to start hunting down his rival in love.

Lavi looked up at his comrade, his visible eye staring intently into Kanda's, without any of the usual mirth he had. He was in a fighting position, his hammer already activated. Miranda was still on the floor, unmoving, while most others scrambled further away from them.

"You will not go anywhere near my Allen, Kanda Yuu," Lavi said with a dark tone, making Miranda's hair stand up as she felt shivers going down her spine. She slowly pushed herself back to her feet, looking around the room. Jeryy was crying still, looking at Kanda while everyone else in the cafeteria were staring, and some had even stood up on their seats, wanting to get a better look but still making sure that they were a good distance away.

Kanda brought Mugen up near the redhead's face, who didn't even blink.

"This is between me and Moyashi. I will win Jeryy's heart, you should not interfere... Bookman," he told.

"E-eh?!" Miranda yelped, walking over to the two, who directed their glares on her now. "P-please don't fight! We're all comrades, right!"

"I will protect Allen," Lavi said, shifting his gaze back to Kanda again, gripping his hammer tighter. "Please don't get involved, Miranda."

"Che. I don't need comrades, just Jeryy."

Miranda looked at Kanda, weirded out, but decided not to voice her real thoughts... she had no idea that Kanda felt this way towards the chef, and even though she didn't really have anything against homosexuality, as stated before, she found it really odd because the feelings seemed to have appeared just today. Same goes for Lavi, Miranda had not been aware of his feelings towards Allen Walker until now.

She was about to tell Kanda to let Jeryy choose on his own - that's what he'd do if he really loved him - but was suddenly dragged away from the two when Lavi and Kanda lunged at each other. She yelped when she realized that she was flying in the air above all the commotion, before landing close to the cafeteria entrance as Lavi used the fire stamp and the room was plunged into chaos. Finders quickly scrambled away from them, as well as General Cloud Nine who rolled her eyes to the roof, holding hands with a female Finder. The General had been sitting rather close to them, but now moved to a more private spot with her companion.

Miranda had never been this confused in her life, and she could only barely hold everything she wanted to say inside as she reached the ground softly. Her knees gave out again.

"T-thank you," she gasped at her savior who had just prevented her from being sliced and hammered to the ground by the fighting Exorcists. The person's head was leaning against Miranda's shoulder, so she didn't see who it was. Her eyes were following Kanda, who used the Hell's insects against Lavi, who whisked them away with his hammer.

"You don't need to thank me, fool," a very familiar voice said to her, and when she looked down she recognized Lenalee's uniform and the short hairstyle she now had. She was wrapping her arms around the older woman and then hugged her close, shaking for some reason. "I was worried that they'd drag you into that."

Miranda blinked but patted the girl's back gently. "I'm alright, Lenalee, you don't have to worry." Then she looked up at Kanda and Lavi, who were yelling at each other in the midst of their fight. "Shouldn't... shouldn't we try to stop them?"

Lenalee looked up, and Miranda was surprised to see a few tears in the corners of the girl's eyes as she turned to face the fighting Exorcists as well. She freed Miranda, but took the German Exorcist's hand in hers gently, before squeezing it.

"I don't know. I understand why they want to fight," she said then, looking down at the floor. "Kanda loves Jeryy but Jeryy has feelings for Allen, so I understand how he feels... Lavi loves Allen as well, and wants to protect him." Lenalee shook her head, closing her eyes. "I wouldn't know who to help, because... I understand both of them."

Then, she looked up at Miranda's face so suddenly, that the woman jumped in surprise. Lenalee brought her hands on both sides of Miranda's face, tears welling up in her eyes as she smiled.

"I would probably fight the same way, if I had to protect you, or win your love."

Something inside Miranda fluttered away, making her face go pale, just as the cafeteria doors burst open and three figures entered, speaking loudly and interrupting everything that was going on in the cafeteria. Lavi and Kanda stopped fighting, but the burning and broken tables all around were more than enough proof that there had been a battle going between them. Miranda, Lenalee and everyone else turned to face the arriving people, although Lenalee looked like she wanted to say a lot more.

"I already told you, Walker, I do not know where your golem is," Link's voice sounded annoyed as he stepped inside with Allen Walker close by, giving a piggyback ride to Timothy Hearst, the newest addition to their ranks.

"I think I saw Timcanpy around the science department around midnight," the young boy said, looking up at the roof thoughtfully just as Link suddenly stopped, gaping at the destruction he faced but that the other two failed to notice. Allen was looking at the boy on his back with a frown.

"What were you doing up so late?"

Timothy never got the chance to answer.

"Moyashi! Prepare to die!"

"ALLEN, MY LOVE, LOOK OUT!"

As if on slow motion, Allen looked down just in time to see Kanda charging at him with a war cry and Lavi using his fire stamp again, the fiery snake approaching him, opening it mouth in an attempt to devour the Japanese Exorcist.

"...Eh?"

Miranda should have stayed in bed.

Lol, my mind is twisted. I just wrote this, but proofread it a couple of times so there shouldn't be any horrible mistakes. If there are, point them out, please!

I'm making most of this up as I go, but I hope you'll enjoy this! More crack pairings to come! Why are Miranda, Link, Allen and Timothy the only normal people around? What is the cause of this? And why, my friends, is Timcanpy missing?!?!?!?!?!

It could've been longer, but I thought it'd be nice to stop it here. :P

Review and I might write faster. ^ _________ ^

~Team Infinity