Alistair sat by the fire staring into the dancing flames. It was their first night camping. Her first night since Ostagar, she'd been unconscious a day longer than he had after Flemeth had rescued them from the tower. She was handling the loss of the Grey Wardens much better than he was, of course she hadn't even known them for two days before they died.

Morrigan was somewhere beyond the light of the fire. He would have liked to think that she was giving them space to grieve but for some strange reason couldn't convince himself she could be that compassionate.

His only surviving companion (dare he call her friend?) sat across from him staring as well, though from his peripheral vision he could see she stared up at the stars, not down at the fire. He looked up at her, he'd only meant to take a quick glance but something on her face made him frown.

She was staring at the stars with a look of utter amazement. He couldn't stop himself from glancing up as well to see what had captured her attention but saw nothing out of the ordinary. The moon, the stars, a couple of clouds. Nothing she hadn't seen before undoubtedly.

Of course that thought brought back his Templar training and it was then he realized: she had grown up in the Tower of Magi and he had recalled her telling him she had just been out of her apprenticeship when she'd come with Duncan to become a Grey Warden. She had spoken very little of herself otherwise, not saying why she had chosen to leave the Tower or what her life there had been like or if she remembered her family.

It was only now that he realized that she most likely didn't. The way she stared at the stars indicated she had not been out much at night. The children's quarters in the Tower didn't have windows. It was too easy for the little ones to slip out unnoticed. The apprentice quarters had no windows either, by that age they know enough magic to actually cause some damage or escape if they really want to. Not that the Templars wouldn't be able to easily find them again but it was easier to not let them escape in the first place. No windows removed both the opportunity and the temptation. He knew little of the rest of the Tower, but he could only guess that few (if any) rooms had windows.

He personally hadn't really seen much of the actual Tower itself, but that didn't mean they hadn't explained everything to him. He should say something…

Something encouraging and eloquent…

Something that would never come out of his mouth normally…

"You look like you've never seen the stars before."

Something that wasn't going to come out of his mouth now either apparently.

Kallia's eyes dropped from the stars to his face. "I have. On the way to Ostagar." Alistair noted how she purposefully phrased that so it didn't mention Duncan. "Before that I'm sure I had… as a child, but if I did I was too young to remember it. I've read about the stars but never seen them before this last week that I can remember."

"I'm sorry," he answered quietly. Whether he was apologizing for bringing it up or because she'd never seen them before he wasn't sure but it just felt like the right thing to say. 'I'm sorry' usually ended up being the right thing to say when he opened his mouth. Particularly in the few instances he opened his mouth up at women.

"What for?" Kallia asked him with genuine surprise. "It's not like I knew what I was missing. The older kids would sometimes describe the stars to those who were too young to remember when they were brought in, like me, but… They were certainly hard to imagine. I suppose it's like the griffons that the legends say Grey Wardens used to ride on: we can imagine them, but nothing could ever compare to actually being in the presence of one. Besides, it's not like you were the one to put me in the Tower."

"Well, no but… Still, I am sorry."

She cocked her head to the side slightly and got an amused expression on her face. "If it will make you feel better I'll accept your apology though there is nothing to apologize for."

"I'm glad you're enjoying them, we're just lucky it's not going to rain tonight. Then you'd wish you had a tent to sleep in, when we get to Lothering we should make sure we buy tents."

"Oh I don't know, so far I haven't minded traveling without a tent and sleeping under the stars."

"Well, don't worry," he commented. "I can personally guarantee that you will want to see nothing but a ceiling when you sleep long before this is over." Kallia laughed, knowing that the jokes were just as much for his benefit as they were for hers.

Joking was not normally her style. She was blunt and to the point, not one for needless pleasantries, but she did enjoyed the way the miserable expression he'd been wearing since Ostagar melted off his face when he bantered with her. She was witty and picked up fast, even if some of her jokes seemed to fall completely flat. He seemed to find those just as funny for some reason... though she highly doubted it was the words he was laughing at.

"Is that so?" she questioned, hoping her tone was teasing, "I'm going to hold you to that then. When this is over if I still want to sleep under the stars, I'm blaming you."

They both pointedly ignored the if we survive that was hanging in the air. He just didn't want to think about it, having lost almost everyone important to him in one day, and she was only minutely aware of the true danger. She'd fought one real battle and faced a few straggler darkspawn in the Wilds. Sure, in the one battle she'd fought she had been run through the chest with three arrows, but he knew that being hurt in battle was not enough for her to understand. That understanding came from fighting for your life for days on end and watching your companions do that same. From staying up until the wee hours of the morning on watch so you don't get killed in your sleep.

She didn't understand that the hazards they faced were not just the darkspawn. Weather could kill them just as easily as any sword or arrow, the difference being a sword or arrow would be quick. Infection, hunger, dehydration, there were so many things that could get them. He could tell by looking at her that this was a woman who'd never gone hungry, never had to stretch her food because there was only so much to go around.

At least she was sensible, he could do much worse for a companion. He'd never thought to loot the darkspawn he'd killed except when taking the new recruits out to get the blood (but that couldn't really be considered looting.. could it? If so it was pretty morbid looting...). He'd given her a hard time on their way up to light the beacon. She had been losing them more than he thought they could afford to by rooting through every crate, box, enemy packs, even the packs of their own fallen men and women. He was glad for it now though. Whatever they had looted that at the time had seemed useless, could now be sold to buy them food and other supplies. Although why darkspawn carried Fereldon currency around, he couldn't figure out. It wasn't like if one of them suddenly decided to walk into town and buy something, they could...

They were back to their original position he realized. Kallia had gone back to staring at the stars when they'd fallen into silence and he'd gone back to staring at the fire when he'd gotten lost in thought. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, she seemed to understand that he needed some time to himself, but considering the danger... silence was the best she could offer him.

"Was it at least a happy childhood? Growing up in the Tower?"

Her eyes dropped down to look at him again with a frown on her face. "What do you mean?"

"Oh come on, your childhood couldn't have been so miserable you don't even understand the meaning of 'happy'," he teased, though he did wonder. From what he'd been told of the Tower it was not a happy place for the children, particularly those brought in at older ages.

"No, that's not what I meant..." she started. Kallia looked at him for a minute, studying his face for something, he didn't know what but she must have found it because after a minute she sighed. "What do you want me to say? Life in the Tower was all sugar plums and roses? The Templars and mages were like the parents we never knew? We never wondered what life would be like if we didn't have our talent for magic? It wasn't, they weren't, and we did."

His face fell and she knew by the look on his face he was about to start apologizing again so she continued before he had the chance. It bothered her when he apologized. "My childhood was what it was. I was miserable and I was happy. I wanted to run as far and fast as I could and I never wanted to leave. Some of the kids were the biggest assholes you'll ever meet, some of them were the kindest, sweetest people you could imagine.

"The Templars would tell us stories at night before bed. Some of them did it to scare us. 'This is what an abomination is capable of. This is what you're capable of. This is what we'll do to you if you ever lose control.' Some of them told us the stories about chasing malificar simply because they had no other stories to tell.

"We were our own families because we had no one else. Maybe I would have been happier without the talent, maybe not. Some of the kids were saved from starvation because they had magic, others were ripped from loving homes, and still others were stripped of their titles and riches."

"Would you change it? If you could," he wondered outloud.

"The way children are treated at the Tower? I would if I could, but I can't so I don't really think about it."

"No, I meant your childhood. Would you change it?"

"I would not because I could not."

"But if you could would you want to?"

Kallia inwardly congratulated herself on distracting him. He seemed hell-bent on getting a satisfactory answer from her and while he was trying to get it he wasn't focusing on Ostagar.

"A mage cannot have wants and desires. That is how the demons get to us." She said this with no feeling, he got the feeling it was more like a mantra. Something repeated so many times it was simply an automatic response.

Alistair was frowned, time for a new tactic. "Ok, so you said the stars are beautiful, right?"

"I said they were hard to imagine and I didn't mind sleeping under them," she cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Ok but you wanted to see them. Otherwise you wouldn't have tried to imagine them, right?"

"I suppose I was... curious... but that is hardly a desire worth trading control of my body over."

"Sooo... you admit to having desires, just not big ones?" Kallia frowned and opened and closed her mouth several times clearly not having an answer. Alistair pressed on. "Do you wish you hadn't become a Grey Warden?"

"I hardly had a choice in the matter, wishing I did would make little difference."

Alitair sighed, he was clearly not getting through to her. "Do you miss the Tower?"

"Seeing as how 'miss' implies a desire to return, no I do not." He could clearly see the longing on her face even as she denied it.

"Who are you trying to convince? Yourself? Or the Templar you think I am?" Alistair was a little offended that she seemed to think he would turn on her without notice and become one of the cruel Templars she grew up with. Logically, he knew she was probably reacting on instinct and she didn't actually know him that well, but still... Didn't she know enough about him to trusthim?

She had fallen into silence and was once more staring at the stars. Alistair figured the conversation was over and went back to the fire, though this time his thoughts were plagued with the young woman sitting across from him instead of all the friends he'd been unable to save.

He jumped slightly when she began talking again. "I wish that Jowan had never pulled me into his mess. I wish that Irving hadn't asked me to help catch them red-handed. I wish that the battle at Ostagar didn't happen the way it did. I wish that it had been my choice to join the Grey Wardens, but I cannot bring myself to wish I had not. I would like to return to the Tower one day but I can't say I wish I had never left. Does that answer satisfy you?"

"You have a lot of wishes for someone who's not supposed to have them," he couldn't keep the goofy smile off his face at the trust she was showing with the confession.

"Just don't tell any demons," Kallia joked back.

He decided that he would rather have this inexperienced woman who'd probably spent no more than a week outside in her entire memory than someone knew exactly what dangers lay ahead of them and how to face them. With her leading the way, this impossible task didn't seem so impossible. They just might survive it yet.

Who knows, maybe when it was all over she would still want to sleep under the stars.