Greetings once again ladies and gentlemen of the Umineko fanclub! I've come back after a bit of a difficult time to give the next installment of this crazy crackfic I hope you all love and enjoy! Ratings are appropriate and are subject to change if I feel it necessarily. Without further ado, please enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Umineko, its characters, music, etc. I use them for my own means and fun, nothing more.

There was no way a man like Battler could stand against the might of a romance novel.

The red headed Ushiromiya stared at the innocent looking book mocking him from the other side of the room and ran his hands through his hair. Hell, Kyrie was a woman and he'd never seen something like... like that anywhere near her hand or in the house. Jessica wouldn't have one either... but, did Shannon? As Battler began trying to puzzle that one out, an odd tingling against the back of his neck gave him reason to duck, hearing a disappointed shriek as the Stake hit the wall and bounced off, clattering against the ground.

"Better luck next time... uhh, which of the Ass-nee-chans are you anyways?" He remarked, frowning as he began smoothing his rumpled hair back into place. The morbid looking thing rose in the air, glowing a vivid red-purple before revealing a shapely girl with shoulder length white hair that curled at the ends.

"Satan of Wrath," She said sourly, her arms folded in front of her and scarlet eyes narrowing in blatant disapproval of the boy in front of her. While her mistress liked to play with humans, she found them too weak and cowardly for her tastes. ...can't believe this is Ange-sama's brother. She grumbled to herself, unable to find much of a resemblance to the girl she and her sisters had once cared for. ...still cared for, really. She was still quite upset and angry, of course, at her and the way she'd treated them... and how she'd made her sisters cry and how Mammon was still refusing to get over it...

"Ahh yeah, Satan, that's right." Battler repeated, ignoring the second title as he flopped down into the high backed chair he'd come to claim as his, fingers steepling together as he rested them against his lips. "You're always the one going for my head , shoulda remembered that." He grinned and winked at her, watching her face turn pink in fury. "I'll remember next time." Teasing the sisters was always fun when they all had such amusing reactions. Hell, trying to find something to set them off was one of his favorite games, even if it did end with a serious amount of pain and significant blood loss.

"No one asked you to!" Satan snapped, immensely disliking that she'd felt pleased he'd remembered her favorite target on his person and taking it out on him. Her scarlet eyes watched him carefully, part of her waiting for him to wince and not say anything like the rest of her siblings... or anyone else she yelled at and scolded.

Battler shrugged. "You're a girl, shouldn't you speak, you know, softer and nicer or something?" He asked, quirking a brow in the way he'd spent a good part of two years in middle school learning how at her. "I mean, it's going to be hard for you to find a boyfriend if you're not careful; no one likes a hen screeching at them all the time." A long pause as he watched the funny look appear on her face. Oops. I think I went too far, better make up for it or I'm gonna get killed. Leaning back in his chair, Battler offered a smile. "But hey, some guys like the whole being yelled at thing." A lecherous grin. "And with that outfit? Man, some guy out there'll be crying until he finds you."

He... he'd scolded her. Satan stared at him in open disbelief. Acted like a total pig at the end, like most did, but... he'd... he'd still scolded her. At a loss for what to do, the white haired sister merely nodded dumbly and took a seat on one of the foot stools. Maybe... maybe her mistress wasn't so strange after all, and... Beatrice-sama did choose this one to be her opponent. Her eyes narrowed a little at the reminder.

Why did Beatrice-sama choose one of those damn Ushiromiya anyway? After all that cursed family had done to her... it pissed her off just thinking about it.

…and this was Beatrice-sama, after all. Not many could figure out what she was thinking, and Mammon once said that she doubted even Beatrice-sama knew what she was thinking sometimes.

"So, keeping me on guard or were you bored with your sisters terrorizing some other poor bastard Beato's probably got stashed around and decided to come after me instead?" Battler asked, trying to get his mind off that stupid book and the list of questions she said he needed to answer in the back. He found himself struggling to breathe as a perfectly dainty hand wrapped his tie around her hand and pulled hard enough to choke him, the blue energy sword humming dangerously close to one of his eyes as she glared down at him.

"You are the only bastard Beatrice-sama has around here." She hissed at him, pulling tighter on his tie. "And don't address my mistress so informally, you lowly human." Satan released his tie, shoving him with more physical force than he'd have thought possible back into his chair and nearly knocking that backwards. The sword still on her arm and hand, the girl whirled to go storm indignantly out of the room and request permission from Beatrice-sama to kill him for his transgression.

Even after all that, the Ass-nee-chan brigade combined is still somehow less crazy than Beato is. Battler thought to himself, wincing as he straightened his tie and checked to make sure his throat wasn't damaged. "Hold on a sec," He called after her, coughing as his throat seized up. She turned back around, giving him a look that said he'd better have a good reason for speaking up or she'd probably use that thing on him. "Look, I'm... sorry, I'm just pissed because she got me good this time." Just don't make me repeat that in red. The teenage boy thought with a scowl. That crazy witch would've loved hearing that and likely start throwing some absurd party to celebrate it, he thought with a slight grin afterwards.

It was kind of sad how predictable her... unpredictable personality could be sometimes. Sometimes, he watched her and could see what she was going to do ahead of time... and others? Shit, he'd never seen someone fall off a freakin' cliff before he'd met her, not to mention landing on her head must have knocked that brand of crazy his old man said all women had into overdrive.

Satan studied him again, watching the expressions change on his admittedly handsome face as she let the sword disappear for the moment. She'd watched the whole event go down, including Ange-sama's appearance at the end, and she'd still never heard of Battler saying anything like that before. "...you mean at the end of the last game?" The white haired sister of Purgatory asked finally, returning to her seat with a hard look at the red head in front of her.

At least he didn't have to explain things to the sisters, they pretty much knew everything already, even if they wouldn't... or rather, couldn't tell him a whole hell of a lot. "Nah, I got her at the end of that one, it's how she responded to the fact that I got her on something that's pissing me off. We're in stalemate unless I figure out what to do next or I give up." He made a face at the thought of giving up, something the demonic weapon given physical form could most certainly understand.

"Well..." Satan began uncertainly, wondering if it was against the rules for her to offer help of any kind toward the enemy of her mistress. Maybe Beatrice-sama would find it interesting instead, she thought to herself. She might, actually. The idea of Battler having to stoop as low as to begging her furniture for some kind of hint or help would amuse Beatrice-sama greatly. Yes, Satan thought to herself suddenly, feeling a lot better about what she was thinking of doing.

Besides... she kind of felt like she owed Battler a favor after his scolding. He'd done one for her and, for a minute or two, she could be okay with not feeling so alone or left out of things.

"How did she get you then?" Innocent enough question, with enough curiosity- and irritation because he's an idiot- in her voice to make it sound like she wasn't up to anything. After this, Satan thought to herself, she could go to Beatrice-sama and report his lack of progress and they could all laugh at how foolish he was together.

Battler gave her a wry grin, sort of sheepish in nature as dark eyes landed on the book lying abandoned and crumpled on the other side of the room. Her eyes turned to follow his and spotted the offending object with interest. Rising, she walked over and plucked the haphazardly lying book down, brushing it off before offering it back to the young man. "Don't tell me; you're an idiot who doesn't read." Satan bit out, hoping her fury in the statement was loud and clear... because if he proved her right, she'd kill him and face the wrath of Beatrice-sama on her own.

Battler gave her an injured, insulted look that was about as genuine as the surprise on her mistress' face when he'd slapped her. "I really like reading, thanks." He retorted with a note of anger in his own voice. "I read over a hundred books a year- and no, they're not children's books or magazines either!"

Put into place, Satan bit her lip and hung her head, bowing a little in apology. "...my apologies." She replied, a flush of heat across her cheeks as, for the second time that day and in less than an hour, she'd been properly scolded by another person. Scrambling to redeem herself in some small way, she flipped open the book to a random page, frowned and began reading it. Realization dawned on her as she skimmed through to the back of the book and read the questions in Beatrice-sama's elegant handwriting before closing it.

"...Ushiromiya Battler," She began in a funny, choked up sounding voice. "Does this book have something to do with how Beatrice-sama beat you?"

He responded immediately by jumping to his feet, pointing at that book like it was Beatrice herself in front of him. "That witch called Beato didn't beat me, she just got me with a dirty, underhanded trick, that's all! I'll beat her yet, you'll see, I just have to figure out what to do first!"

Satan didn't call herself the most intelligent of the seven sisters of Purgatory... but she was a far cry from being the idiot Leviathan or Asmodeus could be. Mammon would probably be a better person to explain this, she thought with the book in her hand as she offered it again to Battler. But, since Mammon was currently... preoccupied otherwise, it was going to be up to her to get the ball rolling on this miniature game Beatrice-sama and Battler were playing with each other.

...but she had to admit, Beatrice-sama wasn't playing very fair by using this book.

Battler looked between the white haired girl and the book, as if wanting to take his chances with groping the most volatile of the Stakes rather than with the book and questions he hadn't even begun looking at. "..so, uh, Satan?" He gave the temperamental girl a sheepish smile, unable to keep the hope out of his expression as he watched her eyes narrow and turn wary on him. "Any hints you can give me? You being a girl and all, maybe you can help me a little?"

Help you? If I even tried reading one of those questions to you, Beatrice-sama would kill me forever. She thought to herself, blanching at the thought and the images that came into mind if her mistress caught her doing such a thing. But... she had kind of said, to herself, that she'd help him a little bit. "Start with the questions Beatrice-sama's asked." Satan finally responded, shoving the book into Battler's chest, keeping her hands there until he was forced to grab it himself before backing away from him in quite the hasty manner.

"W-Wait a minute," Battler began as the girl began uncharacteristically fleeing from the room, her head poking back in, snowy tendrils bouncing over her shoulder as she blew her bangs out of her face. "Aren't you going to help?" He pleaded, sounding helpless and probably more lost and pathetic than he'd ever been in his life.

"... make Beatrice-sama ask you the questions herself." She said quickly and disappeared after that. Her sisters really needed to know about this latest development… that way they could prepare in case that stupid Battler proved himself to be like that bastard of a grandfather.

I've done my part, Satan thought with a smug little grin at the thought of Battler's panic and shock. You're on your own now, Ushiromiya Battler!