Chapter 5- Home on the Mange

Disclaimer: May be a tad disturbing

"Okay, girls, you know the rules, bed by 10:30, and if you invite anyone over they can stay until 8:45." said Milleeay Kanker.

"We got it!" said Lee, not looking up from her phone.

The Kankers' mother was about to go to a bingo game with her friends, she snatched up her handbag and headed for the door.

Marie walked in from the kitchen, she had a cookie in her hand, she looked up from her snack and her eyes widened, then she shouted, "MOM! WAIT! LOOK OUT FOR THE BROOM!"

It was too late, she made contact and the contents of her hands flew into the air as she stumbled.

"LEE, LOOK OUT!" yelled Marie.

Lee looked up from her phone and she saw her mother's handbag flying towards her, Lee closed her eyes and ducked, there was a loud 'TFF' and the bag was gone, along with her mother's personal items, Lee looked around at the surprised expressions of everyone staring at her. "What?" said Lee. "You guys are scaring me."

"Lee..." May began, "Um, well, it's hard to explain without it sounding weird."

"Lee? How long has it been since I've taken you for a haircut?" asked Milleeay.

"I'm afraid to count anymore." Lee said.

"Does your head feel heavier or anything? Marie asked.

"What are you talking about? Of course not!" said Lee, "Why?"

"...I'll call a specialist." said Marie.

Edd walked in through the door wearing a large overcoat and a barber's tool belt, plus a suitcase. "Did someone call?"

"Hey, muffin, thanks for coming," Marie began, "We've got a weird situation here."

"Uh, what's the problem?" Edd asked, Marie whispered something into his ear, when she was finished, Edd looked at her wide-eyed and said, "Oh my, that's... very interesting."

"WHAT'S interesting?" yelled Lee.

"Could you excuse me for a moment?" said Edd, he walked to the door, opened it, leaned out, and said, "Uh, fellows, could you bring in the equipment?"

Ed and Eddy came in, each carrying a large box, Ed put his down on the coffee table and emptied it, inside was a computer monitor and some wires, Eddy put his next to Ed's and unloaded it, it was full of microphones, ear-pieces, more wires, and a keyboard.

The Kankers' mom came in and handed a small box to Edd. "You might need this. It's a jungle in there."

Edd opened the box, it was a revolver pistol, everyone was wide-eyed towards it and Edd was frightened by it.

"So THAT'S where the family gun was!" said May.

"WHAT IS THIS?" yelled Lee, everyone continued to ignore her.

Ed seemed excited toward the revolver pistol, "Ohhh boooy! BAM BAM BOOM BOOM!"

"There is NO WAY I'm going in there!" Eddy yelled, "God knows what kind of pre-historic monsters are in there. No offense, crumb cake." he said and looked towards Lee, who was as confused as ever.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Lee yelled, "You're REALLY starting to scare me!"

"I guess I'm going to be the one to break it to you." said Eddy, a grim expression on his face, "Lee, Double D, Ed, and Marie are going to CLIMB into your HAIR to extract your mother's HANDBAG which HAPPENED to make contact and DISAPPEAR when your mother says she TRIPPED."

Lee was wide-eyed, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she ran around in circles like she did when Plank fell into her hair in 'For the Ed, by the Ed', "YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY!"

"HOLD HER DOWN! SOMEBODY!" Marie and May snatched Lee by her arms and held her down and put her into an armchair. "Okay, Eddy, May, Mrs. Kanker, you're going to man the monitor and the cameras, Marie, Ed, and I are also going to take the cameras with us, and the microphones." he hooked his headset onto his ears, then he attached a miniature camera to his headset. Marie and Ed did the same, however Ed had put his on backwards. There was a 'plop' as it fell to the floor, he didn't seem to notice this.

Eddy tried to place the camera back on to Ed's head, but he had done this lazily and it had fallen off once more, he tried this again, and yet again it fell off, this repeated twice more and all the same it repeatedly fell off. "Damn Ed you have slippery ears!" Once more he- oh I don't need to repeat myself, he failed the next time.

"What?" Ed replied, "I'm sorry, didn't hear ya, my ears already ate."

Eddy attempted this one more time and, on contact with the floor, the camera shattered.

"Eddy, that's expensive equipment!" said Edd.

"Don't blame me! Ed's the one who smothered his ears in French fry grease before we got here!" Eddy handed Ed an abnormally large cotton swab, and quietly hummed 'clean-up clean-up' as Ed cleaned his ears to the tune.

"That's enough, I think we can work with two cameras." Edd finally said, disappointedly. "Is everyone prepared?"

"Oh, wait, before we go in!" Marie scuttled off, a few seconds later, she came back with various objects in her hands, the objects were: A fedora and a coiled bullwhip, she plopped the fedora on his head and pushed the whip into his hands, then she pulled out a camera and snapped a picture, "This is going in the photo album!"

"Thank you for the suggestion of wardrobe, but-" Edd began, then Marie gave him the puppy-dog eyes, Edd smiled and said, "Oh fine, if you insist."

Marie said, "Yes!"

"Okay, NOW is everybody ready?" Edd asked again.

Ed and Marie nodded, Eddy turned on the monitor and nodded as well.

"Alright," Edd began, "stool, please?"

Miss Kanker gave Double D a tall wooden stool, and he placed it right next to the tied-up Lee.

"Okay, Lee, I want you to stay absolutely calm." said Edd.

Lee nodded and began to take deep breaths.

Edd climbed on top of the stool and began to lean down on the top of Lee's head, and started to part hair for him to climb in, then he began to crawl in, and then he was gone.

Edd parted more and more hair as he headed downward, then in mid-parting, the hair began to clear and he had fallen completely through the hole he had made, he fell at least 20 feet until he landed on something soft, he opened his eyes, and looked at what he was lying on, it was flesh, he was in a clearing of hair, like a jungle.

The clearing had a radius of 20 feet all around him.

"This is absolutely amazing." he said, as he flicked on his flashlight, he looked up and saw a small parting of light above him, he switched on his camera and his microphone. "Eddy, Eddy, do you read me, I am in the mange, I repeat, I am in the mange." He waited a few seconds and then he heard Eddy's voice.

"Copy, Double D, we are clear on your visuals, your camera is fully functional, we're sending in Marie."

Edd heard some faint rustling above him, and a few seconds later Marie plopped down next to him. "Good God, this is amazing!"

"That's exactly what I said!" Edd replied, then he once again activated his microphone, "Eddy, Eddy, this mission is ago, I have achieved Marie, now please send down Ed, I repeat, please send down Ed.

Without warning Ed had landed on Marie with a yelp, "It's like Oscar's trash can!"

"It's like your wallet." Marie replied, muffled. "Now get off me or I'll shave your eyebrow."

Ed didn't need to be told twice as he lifted his bottom and helped Marie up.

"Thank you, Eddy, I have achieved Ed," Edd began, "I will report back when I have a visual on the handbag, Ed, if you will?"

Then Ed pulled out a machete.

"What's that for?" Marie said, surprised.

"Oh, it's to clear the hair." Edd replied.

"You aren't going to make her like, bald, or anything are you?"

"Of course not, this is only, apparently, the first layer of hair." said Edd, "I don't think it can possibly affect her appearance."

"Good." Marie replied.

"We're off." Edd said, little did he know, there was a spy among them.

Ed walked ahead of Edd and began chopping down hair to a size that was tolerable, and they began to walk through the shortened hair that Ed was making, a few minutes later, once again they came across a clearing, but this one was different, seemingly this one stretched on and on into the distance, and there was a river of yellowish substance silently trickling by.

"Oh dear," Edd said, and he sniffed the river a tad. "Rotten hair products!"

"Ugh!" said Marie, "how are we going to get across this without our flesh peeling off?"

"Wait a moment..." and Edd looked up to see a patch of leaning dry hair, it looked firm, and it was sticking out, Edd pulled out the bullwhip he had been given. Marie looked at it.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Driving the fans crazy!" The screen cracked a bit as the fourth wall had been broken, there was a loud snap and the bullwhip had wrapped around the patch of dry hair, he tugged the whip, it seemed like it would hold.

"Are you serious?" asked Marie.

"It's either this, or one of us is the raft." Edd replied, "and Ed is dirty enough."

"You bet!" Ed exclaimed proudly.

"Fine." said Marie, "But I'm going first." she walked up to Ed and took the end of the whip, she closed her eyes, held her breath, and hopped up, firmly grasping the whip, and swung across the river.

"Me next, I suppose." said Edd, and he waited for the whip to swing back to his side of the river, then he grabbed it and swung across like Marie had done, he landed on the other side and tossed Ed the other end of the whip and said, "alright, Ed, it's your turn to swing."

Ed smiled widely and grasped the whip, he jumped up and swung, but this time it was different from the others, the hair that the other end of the whip was wrapped around began to lean because of Ed's weight, Ed panicked as the end of his coat gently brushed the river and sizzled silently, Ed went wide-eyed and began to scream, the ends of his toes began to touch the other side of the river, however the rest was leaning backward, slightly.

Edd and Marie yelped and snatched the ends of Ed's coat and began to drag him over, Ed was still screaming when they had succeeded in getting him back, it went on for two and a half minutes before Marie picked up the revolver and shot it in the air.

-Meanwhile-

Eddy's eyes were glued to the monitor screen, hardly believing what he was seeing, and Milleeay had been looking at her daughter as she rested, then suddenly something small, fast, and made of lead shot out of her hair and blasted a hole through the roof, and Lee woke up and began screaming again, a second later something else popped out of her hair, it was a paper airplane, Milleeay unfolded it and read the message, which said: Dear Mrs. Kanker, send us the repair bill when we get out. Sincerely, Eddward Riley.

-Back in the Mange-

Marie put the revolver back into its holster, and looked relieved that she had finally calmed Ed down.

"Marie, you owe me an estimate of 24 dollars and 16 cents." Edd said.

"Later," Marie replied, "Let's keep going."

Edd pushed Ed in front of them and he once again began to chop down hair, from a distance, a mysterious figure stared at the gang with menacing eyes.

10 and a half minutes later, the gang came across a small parting in the hair that made it seem like there was a small object sitting there, in front of them there was what looked like to be a thick door made of packed and shedded skin with markings on the front that looked like they were made by the ancient Egyptian culture.

Edd kneeled down and began to pick up shedded skin and put it into a small sack, "This is it it, this is where the purse landed."

"Our goal?" asked Marie.

"Our priority, this is tricky, this is very tricky, Ed, could I see your machete?" Edd asked.

Ed handed the machete to Edd, Edd felt around the sides of the door, apparently trying to find the edges, his hand felt into a crack, and he shoved the machete into it, (But remember, kids, it's only shedded skin!) once he had fastened it in there, he began to pry the door open. the door began to move, as it did so, thick gases began to spray and hiss out of the sides of the door. Edd began to gasp and fan the air away. He coughed a few times and began to push the door open to an acceptable opening. The team walked in, and once again they were being spied on by distant eyes.

The trio began to tiptoe through what seemed to be a hallway.

"Now everyone keep your eyes very open for any hidden traps." Edd said.

This seemed to get Ed excited, and he started prancing down the hallway, singing a song to the tune of "They're in Love, Where Am I?" by The Weepies, "Booby traps, booby traps. Booby traps, booby-" Ed's foot sank into the ground and there was a 'click', just then, a giant scissor (made up of smaller scissors) dropped from the ceiling at high speed and sank into the floor right next to Ed, he wen't wide-eyed again and looked at the foot that had triggered the trap, "BAD FOOT! YOU ALMOST BARBER-SHOPPED ME!"

"Ed, what have I said about blaming your body parts for things they can't possibly do?" said Edd.

Ed looked sad, but still menacingly glared at his foot.

The band of main characters continued on, but more cautiously and more aware, aware of dangerous traps, they turned a corner to find themselves about 20 feet from the handbag that started this mess, it was sitting solemnly on a pedestal.

Edd looked carefully at the floor, there was a pattern of various rhombuses leading to a space around the pocket book, in the pattern some of the rhombuses were darkened, obviously they mean't something.

"Where have I seen this before?" Ed thought, then he gasped and picked up a walking stick that had gotten lost in Lee's mange and gently pushed it against one of the darkened rhombuses, the rhombus sank into the ground and one of the teeth from a broken wooden comb shot out of a hole in the wall.

"Stay here." Edd said.

"If you insist, senor." said Ed in a Spanish accent as he plucked the tooth out of his head.

Edd began to hop along the floor, avoiding the darkened rhombuses as best he could, sometimes he would stumble and the others would hold their breath, but usually the outcome was okay.

Finally he hopped away from the pattern and stood in front of the pedestal where the handbag was kept, he bit his lower lip and reached into his coat pocket, he pulled out the sack of shedded skin, opened it, reached in, and poured a handful out, ignoring how disgusting it felt.

He tightened the rope on the bag and readied his hands, they were outstretched and ready to snatch the bag, it took him a couple seconds to suck in the courage, but with one swift movement he replaced the handbag with the sack. (If anyone can figure out what we're referencing by now, please give yourself a pat on the back).

Edd sighed with relief and began to step away, but he heard a grinding noise from behind him and looked back to see the pedestal slowly lowering to the ground, he panicked and began to run across the pattern, comb teeth bounced off of him and clattered to the ground, he looked back to where the pedestal was, clumps of hair were beginning to collapse behind him, the group headed back out into the hallway. As they were turning the corner, they heard the sound of something soft and heavy hitting the ground and rolling toward them, they turned around to see a big clump of packed hair rolling like a boulder toward them.

"WHAT KIND OF SICK HAIR STYLIST DOES LEE GO TO?" Marie yelled, they headed down the hallway and jumped out of the door, the boulder continued to follow them and the door was crushed to powder as the giant hairball continued its journey to crush them.

They began to run down the path they had made, the hair boulder still following them and increasing speed as they sloped downhill. Soon the river was in sight, there was no time to whip across, Edd thought this called for desperate measures and yelled, "We're going to have to jump!" They began to try and pick up speed, the river was coming closer, foot by foot, 10 feet, eight feet, six feet, four feet, two feet, a foot, and then they left ground.

It was a time of anticipation, and a time of slow-motion, (chariots of fire plays as they sail through the air) Edd stared at the river of hair care products as he began to descend from his great leap, he closed his eyes, hoping for not a wet burning feeling, but a soft, firm feeling.

And that's exactly what he got.

Edd felt relieved to feel the 'ground' once more and watched as the hair boulder began to dissolve into the river of what was now acid, he thought they were finished, but turned to see a blow dart tube in his face.

Marie began to look up, her hair tethered and her eye bulged as she saw what was there, "No way."

Ed then looked up from where HE had landed, "No way, too cool!" and gave a wide smile.

"Hairte rohadék! Megpróbálja ellopni a szent kézitáska, hogy esett az égből pár perccel ezelőtthair!" said one of the three tribesmen pointing at the group.

"No, I'm pretty sure my mom was not a lady dog." said Ed, "and that purse belongs to my girlfriend's mom!"

The tribesman turned to Marie, "Hairte vagy a köcsöghair?"

"Oh she is not a female dog, and she would be mine." said Edd.

"Hairò, oké, majd, hogy a furcsa pénztárcáját, és itt hagyni a homoszexuálisokhair." The tribesman then left without a word with his comrades.

"That was easy." said Marie, "What language did they speak?"

"Well, Marie, isn't it obvious?" asked Edd.

"HungHAIRian!" Ed chuckled.

"That's corny." said Marie.

Edd turned on his microphone and said, "Eddy, come in, Eddy? Do you read me? I repeat, come in, Eddy."

-Meanwhile-

Eddy was banging his fist on the table and laughing his head off at the corny joke when he heard Edd on speaker.

"Oh, Eddy, you are there, well, I'd like you to prepare our ascent." Edd said over the microphone.

Eddy stopped laughing and tightened his face, "Uh, Double D, heh heh, what is the escape route, exactly?"

-Back in the Mange-

"Oh yeah we just- uh, oh, oh dear." Edd said quietly. "Okay, free hands, any ideas on how to escape?"

Ed raised his hand. "How about we just dig upward?"

"That's the worst idea I've ever heard." said Marie.

"Actually," said Edd, "that's a clever idea. If we could just get Lee to move to a proper gravitational pull without destroying the system, in other words, if she could just turn over without her head's support we could use the gravitational pull to exit the mange at a proper speed by parting hair towards the ground."

-Meanwhile-

Eddy had heard what Edd said, picked up a crowbar, and held Lee's head in place as he faced it downward.

-Mange-

"Are you ready up there Edd-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" as his feet left the ground everyone screamed and floated upward, Edd looked towards where they were falling which was the hole they climbed through to get there, he put his fist first like Superman just in case there was any debris awaiting it, however the first thing it hit was a lost airplane, they continued to fall after they slid off the windshield and then- *fut* *fut *FOOT* they simply landed on the floor.

"Jeez, hammerspace makes everything look awkward, doesn't it?" said Eddy, then he heard the sound of an airplane engine, "Oh God." And before they knew it, all six of them were underneath an airplane. "CURSE YOU, HAMMERSPAAAAACE!"

"Somebody call an ambulance... I can't move my arms!" yelled Edd.

"AND A BARBER!" yelled Milleeay.

THE END

This chapter is dedicated to my fans for waiting so long, but YEAH BABY! JUST UNDER A MONTH!

Anyway this is the most ridiculous the story will ever get, after this we are returning to the EddxMarie theme, FOR NOW.