A/N: OK, like I said, this is kind of a sequel to my fic "I'll do Anything".(Which was probably the better of the two) But I'm pretty sure it'll still make enough since if you haven't read it. So anyway, remember how I said that Matt's dad had been sober for a year now when Matt was in the digiworld, well this fic takes place during those three or four years in between. It's about a year or a couple months or something after Matt (So he's 8 years old and TK's 5) went to live with his dad. Who BTW is still not only a big jerk, but is even worse in this one. Or in other words he's abusive so if you don't want to read about that, lets just say I warned you.
In this fic you will once again witness that amazing talent I have for screwing up the court system. So don't get mad at me for that either. That's about it, please r/r!
~~~
Before it Gets Better
~~~
My whole life is a blur to me right now. I just can't see clearly, it's to dark with no light to guide my way. I don't even know if I want to find the light. If I do that means I might wake up. It means I might have to go back to the nightmare I know only as my own life. I'm afraid of it, I really am. And I don't want to go back. Not now, not ever. I'd rather die then go back to that. So let me die now, or let me never wake up. Just let me sleep and leave me at peace. And if I should wake up, let it be into a different life where I wont have to be afraid. Let it be into a life of peace where I can truly be happy. But please, I beg of you, don't let me wake up as Yamato Ishida.
~~~ Flash Back ~~~
Darkness. It's not unusual for me to be alone it this. I always have been, and perhaps I always will. But now, now it's all to real, because I'm not alone. This time he followed me. He's never followed me before, I've always been able to get away before. "Matt." I can hear him. He's calling my name, he's screaming it. "Matt, where are you?" Oh God, he's going to find me. Why can't he just leave me alone, why did he have to come here? "Matt, where the hell are you?" Tears. I could feel them now, pouring out of my eye's. No, stop it Matt. He'll hear you. To late. He did hear me, he's opening the door, he's looking at me. "Matt, what the hell are you doing in that closet? I've been looking all over for you, your Mom'll be here any minute. Get the hell out of there."
He's sober? And Mom's coming? But Moms not coming until tomorrow. Did I fall asleep? What happened? I was out of the closet now, standing alone in my room. There was sunlight coming in my widow, I must have fallen asleep. And Mom was coming. She'd be here any minute. She'd be here to take me home with her for the weekend. She'd be here to let me live a normal life. Even if it is only for a few short days. Please hurry. Please get here soon.
"C'mon, get your stuff. Your Moms waiting." I heard dad say from the living room, and I breathed a sigh of relief as I picked up the bag I'd packed the day before. "See ya Matt, have a nice time at your Moms." Dad said as I was on my way out the door. It was amazing how nice he could be when he wasn't drunk. He sounded just like a regular dad, sincerely hoping that his son would have a nice weekend. The way he always was when Mom, or anyone else was around. There was no reason to be afraid of him now. Not unless we were alone.
"Bye dad, I will." I stated simply as I walked out the door on my way to where my Mom was waiting. She was down in the parking lot, having just buzzed our apartment to let me know she was here. I knew she didn't want to see dad, it was better this way. If Mom had come up they would have just gotten into another fight, and that was something that none of us needed.
"Hi honey." Mom said sweetly, giving me a gentle hug. It was nice to be hugged, it had been so long since the last time anyone had shown me any type of affection that I'd almost forgotten how good it felt to be loved.
"Hi Mom." I replied as she released me from her arms. "Where's TK?" I asked noticing the absence of my little brother, who normally would have been the first to greet me.
"I left him at home with a baby-sitter." She answered. And then seeing my surprise at the fact that he actually let her go without him added, "You know how he gets on long car rides." Oh yeah, I nodded. I'd almost forgotten, I had about a two hour drive ahead of me now. Oh well, it's better then being at home. "You ready to go now?"
"Yeah." I said, and she opened the car door for me. I climbed into the car slowly and pulled the door shut. It wasn't long before Mom was beside me starting the car.
"Seat belt." She reminded me noticing that I'd neglected to put it on. I gave her one of those 'Awe do I have to' sorta looks not wanting to tell her the real reason I didn't want to put it on. That it hurt to much to put it on. "Now Matt, we're not going anywhere until you've got it on." When I still didn't put it on she took it upon her self the reach over and do it for me.
"Not to tight." I said as he fastened my seat belt. Thankfully she listened to me and left it on as loosely as she could without making it unsafe. I wish I could have told her the real reason behind my reluctance. About what dad had done to me last night. About how he'd come home late again and gotten me out of bed.
He was mad about something. I really don't know what it was or if it even had anything to do with me. All I knew was that he was mad and I was the one he was going to take it out on. Now I know I did the right thing in letting TK be with Mom. I remember thinking, that maybe, just maybe, now that it was just the two of us He'd be different. Maybe if Mom wasn't there to fight with he wouldn't get mad so easily.
But I was wrong. After Mom and TK left he only drank more. He told me once that he missed her. That he wished she hadn't left. So I guess he thought drinking would make him feel better. And besides that he always had me to use as a human punching bag to work out his aggression. And that's exactly what he did. Maybe it made him feel good that he had some kind of power over me, that he was stronger and that I couldn't stop him from doing what he did. But that didn't make it any easier for me to understand. In fact, if anything I think it made it worse.
"So Matt, how have things been for you?" Mom asked suddenly, snapping me out of my thoughts and back into reality. By now I noticed we'd been driving for a while, in total silence the whole time. Mom had probably decided it was to quiet and was trying to make conversation.
"Huh?" Was all I could get out. I was to dazed by my own thoughts to really hear what she said. I just knew she said something, I had yet to decipher the words.
"Well, has your dad been feeding you OK? Your looking awfully skinny." Oh, we were talking about dad. About my life with dad. I couldn't help but look down at my self when she mentioned how skinny I looked. It was true, dad really wasn't much of a cook. Not that I'd had much of an appetite lately anyway. Mom had however left us several of her cook books so that we wouldn't starve to death. Dad had yet to look at any of them, his idea of a meal consisted of a can of beer and a TV dinner. I however had looked at the books and had been experimenting with recipes while he was at work. I really hadn't made anything edible yet but I was getting better.
"Yeah, everything's fine." I lied looking back at Mom. She had this thing about asking how things were. She always acted like she suspected dad of something, I knew she wasn't sure what it was but she was always asking me questions. She could tell that something was wrong.
The rest of the ride consisted of her filling me in on what she and TK had been up to. They'd gone to the zoo and the park and some local carnival where TK had won a gold fish. By the time we finally got there it was mid afternoon. I saw TK out in the front yard playing with a tall brown haired girl who was apparently his baby-sitter. They were playing with some kind of toys or action figures or something, I couldn't really see from the car. Upon seeing the car TK dropped what ever it was and ran over to us as we pulled in.
"Matt! Matt! Your here!" TK exclaimed, rushing the car I had yet to get out of. Mom was already out and talking to the girl, probably paying her because by the time I got out of the car she was already on her way down the street. "Hi Matt!" TK looked so excited as I exited the car, throwing his arms around my waist and squeezing me tightly.
I cringed at the gesture as pain shot through me. "Are you OK, Matt?" Mom asked, obviously noticing my change in expression. TK let me go when she asked and looked up at me with worried blue eye's.
"I didn't hurt, did I?" He asked, and I could tell by his own expression that he felt really bad about the idea of having hurt me. Mom who had since made her way to where TK and I were standing was still waiting for an answer too.
"No kido, I'm all right." I lied, faking a smile as I did so. I knew that was enough for TK as he grabbed my hand and began dragging me into the house. Mom however still looked skeptical, her worry for me evident in her eye's. She knew something was wrong.
But I didn't have time to linger on that thought. By now I was already in the house, right behind my overly excited little brother. "I got a pet, Matt!" He said happily, drawing me into his room. "Look, Matt, I won him at the carnival! Mommy said that I can keep him! His names Fred!"
I almost laughed as I looked down at my brothers gold fish. What he saw in the thing I'll never know, but as long as it made him happy. "So why'd you call him Fred?" I asked, doing my best to humor him.
TK continued to grin at me. "I dunno, he looks like a Fred. Don't ya think?" He looks like a fish, I thought smiling despite myself.
"Yeah, TK. I guess he does look like a Fred."
I spent the rest of the day playing with my brother, catching up on his life without me there. I knew he missed me, I missed him too. I missed him and Mom, but not everyone's lucky enough to get what they want. The sad thing was how much TK missed dad. It was true that he'd seen even less of dad then he had of me. If only he knew what he was really like. If he only knew how lucky he really was. That it was me who insured that happiness so that he could have a normal childhood instead of living with the daily terrors that I was forced to endure.
But he couldn't know, and I couldn't tell him. What kind of person would I be to tell him what I have to go through every day. To tell him that his dad isn't this great guy he'd grown to know him as. To know that he truly was a monster. But knowing all of that would only ruin the faith he had in life. The hope he had for everyone around him. The hope and faith that he had in people, and for him to know how wrong he was, about his own father no less, would kill that hope inside of him. It would destroy that sparkle of trust he had shining in his eye's that mirrored my own in color alone. If I told him his eye's might just lose that innocence they held so clear, they might become like my own eye's, full of despair and sorrow. And he'd lose that hope, and that faith, and that trust. What kind of person would want to do that to an innocent child.
But then again, wasn't I a child myself. I was only eight-years-old, it wasn't fair that my own childhood had been lost long ago. I think it all started when Mom and dad began fighting. That's why he started drinking in the first place, that's why he stayed out so late and that's why they eventually got the divorce. But that's old news and the rest is history. And now, now I just wish that things could be different. They way they were before.
"Matt?" Mom said my name. We were at the table now, most of the day had already gone and now we were eating dinner. Well, Mom and TK were anyway, I on the other hand was just staring down at my plate stirring the now cold pile of mashed potatoes with my fork. "Honey, why aren't you eating? Is there something wrong?"
I shook my head slowly. "No," I replied. "Nothings wrong, I'm just not hungry right now, may please be excused?" I just wanted to go to sleep, I was so tired. Not a night went by that I was able to sleep peacefully, when I wasn't afraid of dad's arrival home. I just wanted so badly to sleep well tonight, not having to fear what might happen if I let my guard down.
"Your not hungry?" She asked. "Are you feeling all right, it isn't like you to skip meals." She looked genuinely concerned as she stood up and put her hand on my forehead. "Well, you don't have a temperature but..."
"I'm fine Mom. I'm just tired, can I just go to sleep now?" I asked, seeing the surprise in my Moms face that I could be so tired this early, it was only about six O'clock.
"Aw, Matt I thought you said you'd watch a movie with me tonight." TK said sounding disappointed. I hated to make him feel bad like this, maybe I should stay up, for TK. I could do it if it were for TK. I was just about to say something when Mom spoke up.
"I'll watch the movie with you, TK." She began, removing her hand from my fore head. "Your brothers not feeling well." And then turning back to me, "Just go ahead to sleep now, hopefully you'll feel better in the morning."
"Thanks." I said getting up from the table and heading for TK's room where I was staying. It was good that she was letting me go. TK understood, I knew he did. He was always such a good kid, I knew he understood. "Good night." I said entering the room, closing the door part of the way.
"Good night, Matt." TK said as I left. "I hope you feel better."
"I will." I replied ending our brief conversation. I hope, I added mentally as I got down on my knees and began searching through my bag. When I found what I was looking for I laid it on the bed to get changed. And then pulling my shirt over my head and throwing it on the floor I couldn't help but look down at my chest. I looked terrible, bruises covering most of my cheat and stomach and knew my back couldn't look much better. Besides that there was my stomach, Mom was wrong when she said I was looking skinny. Bonny was more like it.
What's happened to me? I asked myself staring down at my black and blue body. What happened to me? I used to be so happy. And then, "Oh my God! Matt who did this to you?!" Came my mothers shocked voice as she rushed into the room. What happened to me? Dad happened to me. Dad did this to me. But I couldn't tell her that. It would only get both of us hurt.
"A kid." Oh, that was the best you could come up with? Good going, Matt. What a wonderful liar you are. "I got in a fight, at school the other day." I added, hoping that it sounded believable.
"A fight? At School? Honey didn't anybody break it up?" Good question. I thought once again glancing down at myself. Nobody ever gets beat up this bad in a school fight.
"The teachers couldn't get to us." Was the first thing I could think of. "There was this big crowd of kids around us and they couldn't get through." Yeah, that sounded logical. She'd have to believe me now. And yet, that skeptical look remained on her face, though I could tell she was trying her best to cover it up. She wanted to be able to trust me, and she didn't want to make me think other wise. But why should she trust me, when I lie all the time. "Can I just go to bed now?" I asked, hoping that she would believe me and leave me alone.
She sighed as she nodded and turned to leave the room. "You would tell me if something was wrong wouldn't you, Yamato?" She asked me using my full name. I bit down on my lower lip as nodded, unable to say they actual words. "All right then. Good night Matt."
"'Night Mom." Was the last thing I said before she left and I continued getting ready for be. When I finally did get in bed there was only one thing on my mind. She knows your lying, Matt. She knows there's something wrong. She knows your hiding something. And it's only a matter of time before she figures out what that something is...
The rest of the weekend went relatively fast. I spent most of it playing with TK, something most older brothers would tire of rather quickly whereas I considered it to be a luxury. "Do you really have to go now?" TK asked, sadness evident in his eye's. The baby-sitter was back again, to watch TK while Mom took me home. He'd wanted so badly to come along and I felt really bad leaving him this was but it was already past six o'clock and he did have school tomorrow, he couldn't be staying up half the night just to take me home.
"Yeah, I do," I began my reply. "But I'll see you again real soon, OK?"
"Really?" He asked, obviously pleased with the idea. I looked up at Mom and she nodded her head.
"Yeah, I promise, real soon." I said again, but he still looked sad that he had to say good-bye already. "Hey, kid, cheer up. You'll be OK without me." I'm the one who has to be afraid. I thought.
"OK," He said sadly. "I'll miss you. Are you gonna miss me?"
"Of course I'm gonna miss you, TK. Your my brother, you know I'll always miss you." I said getting down on one knee to hug him good-bye.
"I Love you, Matt." He said as he wrapped his arms around me reminding me that the only bad thing about visiting is having to leave.
"Aw, I love you too, TK." I said releasing him from the hug and standing up. "But I have to go now, it's getting late." He nodded sadly as I headed for the car. I hated to leave him like this. It just wasn't fair for us to be separated the way we were. I climbed slowly into the car and we drove away without another word.
Again the conversation in the car consisted mainly of Mom asking me questions and my lying through my teeth. By the time we finally got there it was after nine o'clock, there'd been an accident on the highway and traffic was backed up for over an hour. Mom dropped me off right in front of the building and I hurried up to my apartment. "Dad," I called as I entered the dark room. "Dad, I'm home, are you here?"
"Where were you?" I heard someone say to my right.
"Dad, is that you?" I asked nervously, he sounded mad for some reason.
"Well, who the hell else would it be?!" He shouted as I flicked on the light to see him standing right beside me. When I didn't answer he only got madder. "I asked you a question, boy! Where the hell were you?!"
"What do you mean? I was with Mom." I replied, staring up at him. It was obvious that he'd was drunk again.
"No shit! You think I'm stupid?! You were supposed to be here an hour ago!" He yelled grabbing hold of my arm and thrusting me towards him.
"We got stuck in traffic." I said, cringing at the pain of him squeezing my arm. And then fighting back tears I shouted, "What do you care!" Oh God, did I just say that out loud?! I hadn't meant to but judging by the furious look on his face he had.
"What did you say to me?! He screamed raising his fist to me and pounding me in the side of the head so hard that I fell out of his grasp and hit the floor. And then, darkness. My head was throbbing with pain. I could hear him yelling at me, and I was pretty sure he was kicking me in the side, but it wasn't until I heard another voice that I opened my eye's.
"Matt, you forgot your...Oh my God! What the hell did you do to him?!" Mom? Was that Mom? My vision was kind of blurry at the moment, but it sure sounded like her.
"Mom..." I managed to choke out as I finally regained my normal vision.
"Yeah, I'm right here, Matt. are you OK?" She asked now at my side helping me into a sitting position.
"What the hell are you doing here Nancy?! You have no right to just barge in here like that." Dad screamed at her.
"Oh don't you even get me started on what I have the right to do! I knew it! I just knew you were the one doing this to him! What the hell kind of a sick bastard are you?!" She fired back at him angering him further.
"Get out of here!" Dad shouted. "Get the hell out, this is none of your business! You have no..."
"What do you mean it's none of my business?" Mom exclaimed, cutting him off. "He's my son too God damn it! And I am not going to stand around and let you do this to him! C'mon, Matt. We're leaving!" And with that she had me on my feet and groggily walking towards the door.
"He's not going anywhere with you!" Dad shouted, grabbing my arm again and ripping me out of Mom's grasp. "Now get the hell out of here! I don't want to have to tell you again!"
Mom actually laughed at the statement. "Or what? Are you gonna beat me too?! He's only a kid, how the hell could you do this to him?!"
I could tell dad was furious. "Get the hell out of here!!" He screamed, pushing her backwards so that she stumbled out into the hallway. And with that he slammed the door in her face, locking it behind him. "Now as for you," He began, throwing me up against the wall. "You told her didn't you?!" I just stood there, in total shock of the whole situation. "Answer me God damn it!"
"No!" I exclaimed in fear, no longer able to hold back my tears.
"Yes, you did! You told her, you little brat!" He was still screaming, his hands placed firmly on my shoulders as he jerked my body back and forth so that my head hit the wall a countless number of times. By now all rational thought was gone from my mind, I wanted to defend myself, to tell him again that I didn't tell her. But I couldn't, I was far to lost now, it was to hard now for me to even think of what I wanted to say. And then, in one last action against me he punched me again this time hitting me square in the face so that my head again hit the wall this time with a deafening crack and I could feel blood as it began to trickle down the back of my neck. Suddenly my eye's felt so heavy, it hurt just trying to keep them open, and I could only hope that they would one day open again as I slipped into darkness.
~~~ Flash back ends ~~~
But now I don't want to wake up. I don't to go back to that. Back to the lies, back to the pain, back to the fear. I didn't want to wake up. But I was so close to consciences now. I could feel it. My eye's were opening, slowly, but opening all the same. I can see light now. Why can't I just stay asleep? I found myself staring up at a white ceiling. Where am I? I wondered. This isn't my room. After I studied my location further I discovered that it was a hospital. I'm in a hospital? Dad brought me to the hospital?
No, he wouldn't do that. Mom? Yeah, she must have gotten help. She must have saved me. "Mom?" I said, surprised at the weakness I heard in my own voice.
"Matt?" Came a groggy voice from beside me.
"TK?" I knew it wasn't Mom, that wasn't here voice. And then...
"MATT! YOUR OK!! HE'S AWAKE! HE'S AWAKE!!" Yup that was TK, he was to excited to be anyone else.
"MATT!" Mom exclaimed as she ran into the room and threw her arms around me. "Oh thank God! Your OK!"
"Where's dad?" I asked hugging Mom back, as well as TK who was now on the bed with me. now. He can't hurt you anymore, I wont let him." Mom said, and I could tell there were tears in her eye's as she did so. For some reason I just smiled. Maybe things really would be OK.
~~~ Epilogue ~~~
As it turned out, dad had nearly beaten me into a comma. The doctors said that I was really lucky to even be alive and that if I hadn't woken up when I did I may never have recovered. We went to court again after that. Just where I wanted to be, but at least this time I didn't have any life changing decisions to make. I just had to tell them what happened and that was it.
Dad ended up getting off easy. A year in rehab, six months in jail and five hundred hours of community service. But strangely enough I was glad they hadn't put him away for life, or even the next five or ten years. It was weird after what he done to me, what he put me through. But he was still my dad anyway I looked at it and as much as I hated it I couldn't hate him. Every time I even tried I couldn't help but remember he way he used to be back before this all began. The same way he always was when he was sober, a really nice guy. I think that's what hurt the most. Knowing that behind that monster who nearly beat me to death there would always be that really nice guy.
Eventually everything did go back to normal. Dad got out of rehab, did his time in jail and completed his community service with in the next two years. During that time the court had put me with a foster family, which to this day didn't make since to me with Mom and TK still out there. But I was lucky in a way, I did get to see them more during that time and under the circumstances they could have always taken TK away from Mom too.
After those two years were over I was very reluctantly placed back in my fathers custody. He was that nice guy again, which felt kind of strange because it had been so long since I knew him that way. He stayed sober after that, and he never hurt me again. But I think that's what ruined my relationship with my Mom. The fact that she let me go back, even if he had changed. For the next year I didn't see much of my brother at all, in fact I really didn't see him again until our parents sent us away to camp the following summer.
So in the end things did get better. I was finally living a normal life. (That is, until summer camp started.) I guess maybe that's why I got to be the way I was. The rebel, the cool one, whatever you want to call it. But through it all I had learned a lesson. That no matter how bad things get it all works out eventually. And things always get worse before they get better.
~~~
The End
~~~
A/N: So what do ya think? Kinda sad? I dunno, I was just reading through "I'll do anything" the other day (I have no idea why.) and somehow everything didn't seem to be resolved in the end. Maybe that's just me, but I figured what the heck, ya know? As for my wonderful court system, I know I have a tendency to totally screw it up every time. But oh well, what's done is done. Hope you liked that! C'ya!
In this fic you will once again witness that amazing talent I have for screwing up the court system. So don't get mad at me for that either. That's about it, please r/r!
~~~
Before it Gets Better
~~~
My whole life is a blur to me right now. I just can't see clearly, it's to dark with no light to guide my way. I don't even know if I want to find the light. If I do that means I might wake up. It means I might have to go back to the nightmare I know only as my own life. I'm afraid of it, I really am. And I don't want to go back. Not now, not ever. I'd rather die then go back to that. So let me die now, or let me never wake up. Just let me sleep and leave me at peace. And if I should wake up, let it be into a different life where I wont have to be afraid. Let it be into a life of peace where I can truly be happy. But please, I beg of you, don't let me wake up as Yamato Ishida.
~~~ Flash Back ~~~
Darkness. It's not unusual for me to be alone it this. I always have been, and perhaps I always will. But now, now it's all to real, because I'm not alone. This time he followed me. He's never followed me before, I've always been able to get away before. "Matt." I can hear him. He's calling my name, he's screaming it. "Matt, where are you?" Oh God, he's going to find me. Why can't he just leave me alone, why did he have to come here? "Matt, where the hell are you?" Tears. I could feel them now, pouring out of my eye's. No, stop it Matt. He'll hear you. To late. He did hear me, he's opening the door, he's looking at me. "Matt, what the hell are you doing in that closet? I've been looking all over for you, your Mom'll be here any minute. Get the hell out of there."
He's sober? And Mom's coming? But Moms not coming until tomorrow. Did I fall asleep? What happened? I was out of the closet now, standing alone in my room. There was sunlight coming in my widow, I must have fallen asleep. And Mom was coming. She'd be here any minute. She'd be here to take me home with her for the weekend. She'd be here to let me live a normal life. Even if it is only for a few short days. Please hurry. Please get here soon.
"C'mon, get your stuff. Your Moms waiting." I heard dad say from the living room, and I breathed a sigh of relief as I picked up the bag I'd packed the day before. "See ya Matt, have a nice time at your Moms." Dad said as I was on my way out the door. It was amazing how nice he could be when he wasn't drunk. He sounded just like a regular dad, sincerely hoping that his son would have a nice weekend. The way he always was when Mom, or anyone else was around. There was no reason to be afraid of him now. Not unless we were alone.
"Bye dad, I will." I stated simply as I walked out the door on my way to where my Mom was waiting. She was down in the parking lot, having just buzzed our apartment to let me know she was here. I knew she didn't want to see dad, it was better this way. If Mom had come up they would have just gotten into another fight, and that was something that none of us needed.
"Hi honey." Mom said sweetly, giving me a gentle hug. It was nice to be hugged, it had been so long since the last time anyone had shown me any type of affection that I'd almost forgotten how good it felt to be loved.
"Hi Mom." I replied as she released me from her arms. "Where's TK?" I asked noticing the absence of my little brother, who normally would have been the first to greet me.
"I left him at home with a baby-sitter." She answered. And then seeing my surprise at the fact that he actually let her go without him added, "You know how he gets on long car rides." Oh yeah, I nodded. I'd almost forgotten, I had about a two hour drive ahead of me now. Oh well, it's better then being at home. "You ready to go now?"
"Yeah." I said, and she opened the car door for me. I climbed into the car slowly and pulled the door shut. It wasn't long before Mom was beside me starting the car.
"Seat belt." She reminded me noticing that I'd neglected to put it on. I gave her one of those 'Awe do I have to' sorta looks not wanting to tell her the real reason I didn't want to put it on. That it hurt to much to put it on. "Now Matt, we're not going anywhere until you've got it on." When I still didn't put it on she took it upon her self the reach over and do it for me.
"Not to tight." I said as he fastened my seat belt. Thankfully she listened to me and left it on as loosely as she could without making it unsafe. I wish I could have told her the real reason behind my reluctance. About what dad had done to me last night. About how he'd come home late again and gotten me out of bed.
He was mad about something. I really don't know what it was or if it even had anything to do with me. All I knew was that he was mad and I was the one he was going to take it out on. Now I know I did the right thing in letting TK be with Mom. I remember thinking, that maybe, just maybe, now that it was just the two of us He'd be different. Maybe if Mom wasn't there to fight with he wouldn't get mad so easily.
But I was wrong. After Mom and TK left he only drank more. He told me once that he missed her. That he wished she hadn't left. So I guess he thought drinking would make him feel better. And besides that he always had me to use as a human punching bag to work out his aggression. And that's exactly what he did. Maybe it made him feel good that he had some kind of power over me, that he was stronger and that I couldn't stop him from doing what he did. But that didn't make it any easier for me to understand. In fact, if anything I think it made it worse.
"So Matt, how have things been for you?" Mom asked suddenly, snapping me out of my thoughts and back into reality. By now I noticed we'd been driving for a while, in total silence the whole time. Mom had probably decided it was to quiet and was trying to make conversation.
"Huh?" Was all I could get out. I was to dazed by my own thoughts to really hear what she said. I just knew she said something, I had yet to decipher the words.
"Well, has your dad been feeding you OK? Your looking awfully skinny." Oh, we were talking about dad. About my life with dad. I couldn't help but look down at my self when she mentioned how skinny I looked. It was true, dad really wasn't much of a cook. Not that I'd had much of an appetite lately anyway. Mom had however left us several of her cook books so that we wouldn't starve to death. Dad had yet to look at any of them, his idea of a meal consisted of a can of beer and a TV dinner. I however had looked at the books and had been experimenting with recipes while he was at work. I really hadn't made anything edible yet but I was getting better.
"Yeah, everything's fine." I lied looking back at Mom. She had this thing about asking how things were. She always acted like she suspected dad of something, I knew she wasn't sure what it was but she was always asking me questions. She could tell that something was wrong.
The rest of the ride consisted of her filling me in on what she and TK had been up to. They'd gone to the zoo and the park and some local carnival where TK had won a gold fish. By the time we finally got there it was mid afternoon. I saw TK out in the front yard playing with a tall brown haired girl who was apparently his baby-sitter. They were playing with some kind of toys or action figures or something, I couldn't really see from the car. Upon seeing the car TK dropped what ever it was and ran over to us as we pulled in.
"Matt! Matt! Your here!" TK exclaimed, rushing the car I had yet to get out of. Mom was already out and talking to the girl, probably paying her because by the time I got out of the car she was already on her way down the street. "Hi Matt!" TK looked so excited as I exited the car, throwing his arms around my waist and squeezing me tightly.
I cringed at the gesture as pain shot through me. "Are you OK, Matt?" Mom asked, obviously noticing my change in expression. TK let me go when she asked and looked up at me with worried blue eye's.
"I didn't hurt, did I?" He asked, and I could tell by his own expression that he felt really bad about the idea of having hurt me. Mom who had since made her way to where TK and I were standing was still waiting for an answer too.
"No kido, I'm all right." I lied, faking a smile as I did so. I knew that was enough for TK as he grabbed my hand and began dragging me into the house. Mom however still looked skeptical, her worry for me evident in her eye's. She knew something was wrong.
But I didn't have time to linger on that thought. By now I was already in the house, right behind my overly excited little brother. "I got a pet, Matt!" He said happily, drawing me into his room. "Look, Matt, I won him at the carnival! Mommy said that I can keep him! His names Fred!"
I almost laughed as I looked down at my brothers gold fish. What he saw in the thing I'll never know, but as long as it made him happy. "So why'd you call him Fred?" I asked, doing my best to humor him.
TK continued to grin at me. "I dunno, he looks like a Fred. Don't ya think?" He looks like a fish, I thought smiling despite myself.
"Yeah, TK. I guess he does look like a Fred."
I spent the rest of the day playing with my brother, catching up on his life without me there. I knew he missed me, I missed him too. I missed him and Mom, but not everyone's lucky enough to get what they want. The sad thing was how much TK missed dad. It was true that he'd seen even less of dad then he had of me. If only he knew what he was really like. If he only knew how lucky he really was. That it was me who insured that happiness so that he could have a normal childhood instead of living with the daily terrors that I was forced to endure.
But he couldn't know, and I couldn't tell him. What kind of person would I be to tell him what I have to go through every day. To tell him that his dad isn't this great guy he'd grown to know him as. To know that he truly was a monster. But knowing all of that would only ruin the faith he had in life. The hope he had for everyone around him. The hope and faith that he had in people, and for him to know how wrong he was, about his own father no less, would kill that hope inside of him. It would destroy that sparkle of trust he had shining in his eye's that mirrored my own in color alone. If I told him his eye's might just lose that innocence they held so clear, they might become like my own eye's, full of despair and sorrow. And he'd lose that hope, and that faith, and that trust. What kind of person would want to do that to an innocent child.
But then again, wasn't I a child myself. I was only eight-years-old, it wasn't fair that my own childhood had been lost long ago. I think it all started when Mom and dad began fighting. That's why he started drinking in the first place, that's why he stayed out so late and that's why they eventually got the divorce. But that's old news and the rest is history. And now, now I just wish that things could be different. They way they were before.
"Matt?" Mom said my name. We were at the table now, most of the day had already gone and now we were eating dinner. Well, Mom and TK were anyway, I on the other hand was just staring down at my plate stirring the now cold pile of mashed potatoes with my fork. "Honey, why aren't you eating? Is there something wrong?"
I shook my head slowly. "No," I replied. "Nothings wrong, I'm just not hungry right now, may please be excused?" I just wanted to go to sleep, I was so tired. Not a night went by that I was able to sleep peacefully, when I wasn't afraid of dad's arrival home. I just wanted so badly to sleep well tonight, not having to fear what might happen if I let my guard down.
"Your not hungry?" She asked. "Are you feeling all right, it isn't like you to skip meals." She looked genuinely concerned as she stood up and put her hand on my forehead. "Well, you don't have a temperature but..."
"I'm fine Mom. I'm just tired, can I just go to sleep now?" I asked, seeing the surprise in my Moms face that I could be so tired this early, it was only about six O'clock.
"Aw, Matt I thought you said you'd watch a movie with me tonight." TK said sounding disappointed. I hated to make him feel bad like this, maybe I should stay up, for TK. I could do it if it were for TK. I was just about to say something when Mom spoke up.
"I'll watch the movie with you, TK." She began, removing her hand from my fore head. "Your brothers not feeling well." And then turning back to me, "Just go ahead to sleep now, hopefully you'll feel better in the morning."
"Thanks." I said getting up from the table and heading for TK's room where I was staying. It was good that she was letting me go. TK understood, I knew he did. He was always such a good kid, I knew he understood. "Good night." I said entering the room, closing the door part of the way.
"Good night, Matt." TK said as I left. "I hope you feel better."
"I will." I replied ending our brief conversation. I hope, I added mentally as I got down on my knees and began searching through my bag. When I found what I was looking for I laid it on the bed to get changed. And then pulling my shirt over my head and throwing it on the floor I couldn't help but look down at my chest. I looked terrible, bruises covering most of my cheat and stomach and knew my back couldn't look much better. Besides that there was my stomach, Mom was wrong when she said I was looking skinny. Bonny was more like it.
What's happened to me? I asked myself staring down at my black and blue body. What happened to me? I used to be so happy. And then, "Oh my God! Matt who did this to you?!" Came my mothers shocked voice as she rushed into the room. What happened to me? Dad happened to me. Dad did this to me. But I couldn't tell her that. It would only get both of us hurt.
"A kid." Oh, that was the best you could come up with? Good going, Matt. What a wonderful liar you are. "I got in a fight, at school the other day." I added, hoping that it sounded believable.
"A fight? At School? Honey didn't anybody break it up?" Good question. I thought once again glancing down at myself. Nobody ever gets beat up this bad in a school fight.
"The teachers couldn't get to us." Was the first thing I could think of. "There was this big crowd of kids around us and they couldn't get through." Yeah, that sounded logical. She'd have to believe me now. And yet, that skeptical look remained on her face, though I could tell she was trying her best to cover it up. She wanted to be able to trust me, and she didn't want to make me think other wise. But why should she trust me, when I lie all the time. "Can I just go to bed now?" I asked, hoping that she would believe me and leave me alone.
She sighed as she nodded and turned to leave the room. "You would tell me if something was wrong wouldn't you, Yamato?" She asked me using my full name. I bit down on my lower lip as nodded, unable to say they actual words. "All right then. Good night Matt."
"'Night Mom." Was the last thing I said before she left and I continued getting ready for be. When I finally did get in bed there was only one thing on my mind. She knows your lying, Matt. She knows there's something wrong. She knows your hiding something. And it's only a matter of time before she figures out what that something is...
The rest of the weekend went relatively fast. I spent most of it playing with TK, something most older brothers would tire of rather quickly whereas I considered it to be a luxury. "Do you really have to go now?" TK asked, sadness evident in his eye's. The baby-sitter was back again, to watch TK while Mom took me home. He'd wanted so badly to come along and I felt really bad leaving him this was but it was already past six o'clock and he did have school tomorrow, he couldn't be staying up half the night just to take me home.
"Yeah, I do," I began my reply. "But I'll see you again real soon, OK?"
"Really?" He asked, obviously pleased with the idea. I looked up at Mom and she nodded her head.
"Yeah, I promise, real soon." I said again, but he still looked sad that he had to say good-bye already. "Hey, kid, cheer up. You'll be OK without me." I'm the one who has to be afraid. I thought.
"OK," He said sadly. "I'll miss you. Are you gonna miss me?"
"Of course I'm gonna miss you, TK. Your my brother, you know I'll always miss you." I said getting down on one knee to hug him good-bye.
"I Love you, Matt." He said as he wrapped his arms around me reminding me that the only bad thing about visiting is having to leave.
"Aw, I love you too, TK." I said releasing him from the hug and standing up. "But I have to go now, it's getting late." He nodded sadly as I headed for the car. I hated to leave him like this. It just wasn't fair for us to be separated the way we were. I climbed slowly into the car and we drove away without another word.
Again the conversation in the car consisted mainly of Mom asking me questions and my lying through my teeth. By the time we finally got there it was after nine o'clock, there'd been an accident on the highway and traffic was backed up for over an hour. Mom dropped me off right in front of the building and I hurried up to my apartment. "Dad," I called as I entered the dark room. "Dad, I'm home, are you here?"
"Where were you?" I heard someone say to my right.
"Dad, is that you?" I asked nervously, he sounded mad for some reason.
"Well, who the hell else would it be?!" He shouted as I flicked on the light to see him standing right beside me. When I didn't answer he only got madder. "I asked you a question, boy! Where the hell were you?!"
"What do you mean? I was with Mom." I replied, staring up at him. It was obvious that he'd was drunk again.
"No shit! You think I'm stupid?! You were supposed to be here an hour ago!" He yelled grabbing hold of my arm and thrusting me towards him.
"We got stuck in traffic." I said, cringing at the pain of him squeezing my arm. And then fighting back tears I shouted, "What do you care!" Oh God, did I just say that out loud?! I hadn't meant to but judging by the furious look on his face he had.
"What did you say to me?! He screamed raising his fist to me and pounding me in the side of the head so hard that I fell out of his grasp and hit the floor. And then, darkness. My head was throbbing with pain. I could hear him yelling at me, and I was pretty sure he was kicking me in the side, but it wasn't until I heard another voice that I opened my eye's.
"Matt, you forgot your...Oh my God! What the hell did you do to him?!" Mom? Was that Mom? My vision was kind of blurry at the moment, but it sure sounded like her.
"Mom..." I managed to choke out as I finally regained my normal vision.
"Yeah, I'm right here, Matt. are you OK?" She asked now at my side helping me into a sitting position.
"What the hell are you doing here Nancy?! You have no right to just barge in here like that." Dad screamed at her.
"Oh don't you even get me started on what I have the right to do! I knew it! I just knew you were the one doing this to him! What the hell kind of a sick bastard are you?!" She fired back at him angering him further.
"Get out of here!" Dad shouted. "Get the hell out, this is none of your business! You have no..."
"What do you mean it's none of my business?" Mom exclaimed, cutting him off. "He's my son too God damn it! And I am not going to stand around and let you do this to him! C'mon, Matt. We're leaving!" And with that she had me on my feet and groggily walking towards the door.
"He's not going anywhere with you!" Dad shouted, grabbing my arm again and ripping me out of Mom's grasp. "Now get the hell out of here! I don't want to have to tell you again!"
Mom actually laughed at the statement. "Or what? Are you gonna beat me too?! He's only a kid, how the hell could you do this to him?!"
I could tell dad was furious. "Get the hell out of here!!" He screamed, pushing her backwards so that she stumbled out into the hallway. And with that he slammed the door in her face, locking it behind him. "Now as for you," He began, throwing me up against the wall. "You told her didn't you?!" I just stood there, in total shock of the whole situation. "Answer me God damn it!"
"No!" I exclaimed in fear, no longer able to hold back my tears.
"Yes, you did! You told her, you little brat!" He was still screaming, his hands placed firmly on my shoulders as he jerked my body back and forth so that my head hit the wall a countless number of times. By now all rational thought was gone from my mind, I wanted to defend myself, to tell him again that I didn't tell her. But I couldn't, I was far to lost now, it was to hard now for me to even think of what I wanted to say. And then, in one last action against me he punched me again this time hitting me square in the face so that my head again hit the wall this time with a deafening crack and I could feel blood as it began to trickle down the back of my neck. Suddenly my eye's felt so heavy, it hurt just trying to keep them open, and I could only hope that they would one day open again as I slipped into darkness.
~~~ Flash back ends ~~~
But now I don't want to wake up. I don't to go back to that. Back to the lies, back to the pain, back to the fear. I didn't want to wake up. But I was so close to consciences now. I could feel it. My eye's were opening, slowly, but opening all the same. I can see light now. Why can't I just stay asleep? I found myself staring up at a white ceiling. Where am I? I wondered. This isn't my room. After I studied my location further I discovered that it was a hospital. I'm in a hospital? Dad brought me to the hospital?
No, he wouldn't do that. Mom? Yeah, she must have gotten help. She must have saved me. "Mom?" I said, surprised at the weakness I heard in my own voice.
"Matt?" Came a groggy voice from beside me.
"TK?" I knew it wasn't Mom, that wasn't here voice. And then...
"MATT! YOUR OK!! HE'S AWAKE! HE'S AWAKE!!" Yup that was TK, he was to excited to be anyone else.
"MATT!" Mom exclaimed as she ran into the room and threw her arms around me. "Oh thank God! Your OK!"
"Where's dad?" I asked hugging Mom back, as well as TK who was now on the bed with me. now. He can't hurt you anymore, I wont let him." Mom said, and I could tell there were tears in her eye's as she did so. For some reason I just smiled. Maybe things really would be OK.
~~~ Epilogue ~~~
As it turned out, dad had nearly beaten me into a comma. The doctors said that I was really lucky to even be alive and that if I hadn't woken up when I did I may never have recovered. We went to court again after that. Just where I wanted to be, but at least this time I didn't have any life changing decisions to make. I just had to tell them what happened and that was it.
Dad ended up getting off easy. A year in rehab, six months in jail and five hundred hours of community service. But strangely enough I was glad they hadn't put him away for life, or even the next five or ten years. It was weird after what he done to me, what he put me through. But he was still my dad anyway I looked at it and as much as I hated it I couldn't hate him. Every time I even tried I couldn't help but remember he way he used to be back before this all began. The same way he always was when he was sober, a really nice guy. I think that's what hurt the most. Knowing that behind that monster who nearly beat me to death there would always be that really nice guy.
Eventually everything did go back to normal. Dad got out of rehab, did his time in jail and completed his community service with in the next two years. During that time the court had put me with a foster family, which to this day didn't make since to me with Mom and TK still out there. But I was lucky in a way, I did get to see them more during that time and under the circumstances they could have always taken TK away from Mom too.
After those two years were over I was very reluctantly placed back in my fathers custody. He was that nice guy again, which felt kind of strange because it had been so long since I knew him that way. He stayed sober after that, and he never hurt me again. But I think that's what ruined my relationship with my Mom. The fact that she let me go back, even if he had changed. For the next year I didn't see much of my brother at all, in fact I really didn't see him again until our parents sent us away to camp the following summer.
So in the end things did get better. I was finally living a normal life. (That is, until summer camp started.) I guess maybe that's why I got to be the way I was. The rebel, the cool one, whatever you want to call it. But through it all I had learned a lesson. That no matter how bad things get it all works out eventually. And things always get worse before they get better.
~~~
The End
~~~
A/N: So what do ya think? Kinda sad? I dunno, I was just reading through "I'll do anything" the other day (I have no idea why.) and somehow everything didn't seem to be resolved in the end. Maybe that's just me, but I figured what the heck, ya know? As for my wonderful court system, I know I have a tendency to totally screw it up every time. But oh well, what's done is done. Hope you liked that! C'ya!