This is complete crack- just a drabble sort of thing I wrote while exhausted and a little tipsy. It's based off of a quiz i tried to write up for quizilla, which I never quite finished. It's nothing epic, just supposed to be an ammusing short peice. Regardless, please tell me how you like it.

The number 3 is supposed to be a heart for the Earl's speech, but this was as close to a heart as the program will allow.

I do not own -Man

Like Helen Of Troy

In which the Earl is looking to recruit new Noah.

"Good evening, I am the Millennium Earl-" 3

"Earl! Tyki won't play with me and I can't find Allen-kun!"

"Road, please. I'll talk to him later, but right now-" 3

"Oi, shonen, Allen! Come back. I'm sorry. Really I'm-"

"Tyki! What have you done to my Allen-kun?!"

"Shut up, Tyki, you perverted bastard! Couldn't you have at least asked me out before you tried to molest me?! I can't believe you! Going off about how much you supposedly love me, but you-"

"But Allen, I really do love you."

"That's it! Crown Clown! Innocence, acti-"

"That is enough!! Can't you all see I'm in the middle of making a commercial to recruit more Noah?! For the love of-…" 3. The Earl finally took in Allen's appearance. "Honestly, Tyki-pon, I expected you to have better self-control. Poor Allen looks positively… mussed and rather frazzled. Couldn't you have at least-" 3

"That's it! You Noah, I swear… So why don't we help you with that commercial, Earl?" Allen offers, as he calms down and puts space between him and Tyki.

"Fine, fine. Well, the applicants have to answer certain questions- to see what, if any, aspect of Noah they could fulfill." The Earl hands each a copy of his questionnaire. 3

"Earl, this looks…stupid," Road says unenthusiastically.

"It is not! They are very valid questions. Such as number… seven! What kind of animal would you choose to be? You can tell a lot about a person by-" 3

"Seriously though, a rabbit? A penguin? A sloth?? Tyki asks incredulously. "Though, I bet Allen and I would make great bunnies."

"Back off my Allen-kun, Tyki," Road says dangerously, already grasping what the Pleasure is implying.

"Us? Bunnies? Why do you say that Tyki?" Allen asks, completely missing Tyki's meaning.

"Well Allen, love, you know what bunnies do best." Tyki begins to mentally undress Allen, again, as the white–haired boy blushes scarlet at the innuendo.

"An-anyhow, um, maybe the Earl meant to get rid of the applicants who picked those animals."

"Err… Exactly Allen, exactly! You are such a help, really, how did we ever-" 3

"Fine. What about question four? 'What is your favorite plot genre?' Really Earl-"

"Well that one is to-" 3

"Ah! To see if they enjoy horror and the like, as they should if they're to be Noah. Right?"

"Exactly, Allen. You are so on top of things today. And question number-" 3 The Earl is cut off yet again by a suddenly very annoyed and suspicious Noah of Pleasure.

"Why are you being so helpful Allen?"

"Because if he recruits new Noah, I can quit and be away from you, Tyki! From all you crazy people."

"But Allen-kun! You can't leave us!" Roads whined again.

"And I really do love you Allen. I'll prove it-

"Oh really? How? By jumping my bones? Again!

"I'll do any-"

"Stop it. Again! Commercial. We're still on the commercial." 3

The other three are silent, for the moment.

"All right, question number two: What do you do, or plan to do with your life? Do you 'A'-" 3

A moment that didn't last nearly long enough for the Earl.

"Get off of me Road! I wasn't even doing anything inappropriate."

"Not yet you weren't, another few minutes alone and you might have actually managed to deflower him."

"Guys? Hey-"

"Well it's not like he doesn't want to. He's just shy," Tyki defends.

"Why you! My Allen is pure and you're just-"

"Guys!" Allen tries again.

"He's not your Allen damnit!"

"Of course he is you-"

Allen sighs from the sides lines, and decides it's time to bow out.

"Bye Earl. Good luck with the commercial." And Allen vanishes from the set.

"Goodbye Allen. I'll try to tell them you left," 3. The Earl waves before turning back to the Dreams and the Pleasure. "Now Road, Tyki, this kind of behavior really must stop. You can't fight over the Musician-" 3. The Earl goes unheard.

"Allen-kun has always liked me best. Besides, I met him first and how do you even know that he likes guys?"

"I have it on very good authority that Allen is pan-sexual."

"Allen is… Who told you that?"

"That's not important. He is. So I have as good a chance as you. At least I don't look like a twelve year old. Why would he even go for someone who looks so underdeveloped?"

"At least I look closer to Allen's age. Isn't he more likely to want someone who looks only a few years his junior as opposed to someone who looks about a decade his senior. Plus, I can always change my appearance."

"Well, at least I didn't gouge out his eye on our first meeting and-"

"Hey, it grew back didn't it? And on your first meeting you tried to cheat him and his friends. The second time you you almost destroyed his Innocence and tried to kill him, and again on his ark. I don't think you're ever going to be his favorite, Tyki-pon."

Waizurely and Lulubelle enter and find the Earl sitting in a corner of the room looking thoroughly annoyed.

"Earl, I brought you the list of possible Noah candidates suggested by the current Noah and the Akuma." Lulubelle hands him the folder before asking, "What are they arguing about this time, Earl?"

"They're fighting over possession of the 14th," Waizurely answers. "By the way, where is dear Allen?"

"Oh, he left that way," the Earl gestures vaguely to the left, "escaping to the kitchen no doubt." 3. The Earl finally looks up from the documents in his hands. "Why do you ask, Waizurely?" 3

"It is easiest to seduc- i mean court dearest Allen when these two are otherwise occupied. Allen is so pretty, and so interesting," Waizurely says distractedly.

"I will come with you, Waizurely," Lulubelle says, a hint of emotion in her usually dead voice.

The Earl's eyebrows rise to his hairline. "You too, Lulubelle?" 3. He gives her a questioning look.

Tyki and Road continue to yell at each other in the background, unaware of the conversation involving their beloved.

"…He is quite charming, Earl." At this she blushes ever so slightly.

"Poor Allen. So much trouble the lovely Musician causes. So many admirers and suitors… dangerous suitors. I guess he's lucky that that Samurai Exorcist doesn't want him, too. Who knows what might have happened to the boy." 3

"Well this is just great," Waizurely gripes. "As if it wasn't bad enough having to compete with the Pleasure, but the Lust, as well? This sucks. I'm off to find Allen, before anything worse happens."

"Good day Earl." And with that Waizurely and Lulubelle exit.

"Well, now to get rid of these two."3. It took five minutes to even find an opening in their argument. "Road, Tyki…? Waizurely and Lulubelle were here not long ago, if you didn't notice. And-" 3

"Hey, where's Allen?"

"I was just about to tell you-" 3

"You were talking about Lulubelle and Waizurely, not Allen."

"I was getting there! As I was saying, Allen left over ten minutes ago. Lulubelle and Waizurely went to look for him. Apparently, they're interested in darling Allen as well," 3 The Earl said deviously, hoping the two would leave in search of the 14th.

"What?!!" They shrieked simultaneously.

"If you hurry perhaps you can catch them before-" 3

A scream could be heard, along with a great deal of yelling and quick footsteps on the approach. Allen burst into the room, looking even more disheveled than before, Waizurely right behind him.

"You! You stay away from me. You can't just do that to people!"

"But Allen dear, I just wanted to show you how I-"

"Show me what, exactly? How much you'd like to molest me, too? You're worse than Tyki!" Allen continued to back away from Waizurely, unwittingly backing into Tyki. The Noah of Pleasure wrapped his arms around Allen's torso as soon as the younger male was close enough.

"Allen, love, you've come to me for protection. I'm flattered. Now, what did this terrible man do to you? And what happened to your shirt?"

"Him!? You did almost exactly the same thing. Let go! I'm getting out of here." Allen managed to struggle free, but ended up in Road's grasp.

"Allen-kun, you can't leave me. I love you. You're my favorite."

"I doubt that's all that flattering when you think of the person as your doll," Tyki said acidly, grabbing Allen's arm to try to extricate him from Road.

At this point the Earl became completely fed up and left to find aspirin for his oncoming headache. "Kids these days... Poor Allen… the pains that come with beauty..." 3

"Would the two of you stop tug-of-war with him. He isn't either of yours. Lulubelle and I-"

"Lulubelle? She's interested in him, too? That's just great. Competing against the Lust of Noah for someone's heart… but then, where is she?" Road asks sullenly.

"When we found Allen in the kitchen, she straight out asked him to dinner. He agreed and she left."

"Allen-kun, you want to go out with Lulubelle, but not me?"

Just then Kanda and Lenalee burst into the room. They were shocked to see three Noah fighting over a half-naked Allen Walker.

"The Moyashi what?!" Kanda asked in a low growl, having just overheard the last few sentences.

Kanda advanced on the Noah without further ado. "Unhand him at once, Noah." Tyki found Mugen at his throat.

"What have you all done to Allen-kun?" Lenalee asks in worry, as she activates her Dark Boots. The Noah begin to back off.

"Ah, Lenalee, I'm fine. Just a little… disagreement. What are you two doing here?"

"We're going to take you home, Allen-kun. We had Leverrier and his cohorts executed so you can return to the Order. And… and Kanda has something to tell you."

"Okay, but why now? You can always visit me on my ark."

"Well, we were just here for a visit, but we overheard you all just now and well… Kanda, tell him."

Kanda stiffened. "What, now, now?"

"Yes, you idiot!"

Allen looks at him expectantly, looking absolutely adorable- downright sexy, really- with his hair all a mess and half his clothes falling off.

"Moyashi… Allen, I um…"

"Yes, Kanda?"

Kanda steeled himself, grabbed Allen by the shoulders and kissed him roughly. Completely shocked, his brain already on overload from the day's events, Allen was able to do nothing as Kanda pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. All the other occupants of the room had nosebleeds by then. Kanda parted, but didn't let go of his Moyashi- whose mind was obviously still in a haze from that one kiss.

"Come home, Moyashi," Kanda said as kindly and seductively as he was capable of. (It wasn't much, but for the Moyashi he was trying).

"…That… was so… hot. I don't think I'd mind Samurai boy having Allen-kun if I could see that now and again," Road said in a daze.

"Yeah," Lenalee agreed, equally out of it.

Snapping out of his own stupor, Waizurely shook his head. "This is too much. I concede defeat. I'm out of here."

Tyki, however, would have none of this. "Give Allen back. He's not leaving with you, ponytail."

"You think not, beauty-mark? Moyashi is mine."

"Oh, not again," Allen groaned, slumping into the corner chair the Earl had occupied earlier.

The Pleasure's weapons came to his hands as Kanda took his stance with Mugen.

"The shonen is mine. He stays!"

"Over my dead body."

Road and Lenalee tried fruitlessy to break up the increasingly violent fight.

Unseen, Lulubelle slips into the room, grabs Allen, and they leave unnoticed.

"Would you like to go out to dinner now, Allen? It's been a long day for you. You must be hungry."

"Ah, thank you Lulubelle, that's very thoughtful. I would love to. But first I think I should change. I look like a wreck, while you look… stunning." Allen blushed at her appearance. Her sunglasses were gone, her hair was down, and instead of her usual business suit she wore a tasteful cocktail dress.

"Thank you, Allen." Lulubelle blushes as well. "I'll wait for you in the foray." Ten minutes later a very elegant Allen escorts a dazzling Lulubelle out of the mansion and into a waiting coach.

~Tyki and Kanda's fight continued unabated

Road and Lenalee, noticing the lack of Allen, and sick of the boy's fight, decide to have tea, far away from Kanda and Tyki.

"You know, so many people are in love with Allen-kun that he could probably end this war just by asking," Road mused. "Wouldn't that be funny." The girls giggle at the thought of the prophesied 'Destroyer of Time' ending the war in so mild a manner.

"If anyone else falls in love with Allen-kun we'll end up with a new war fought over him. Just like Helen of Troy. It's so romantic." Lenalee said dreamily.

Road whole-heartedly agreed. "Allen-kun is so lucky."

A loud crash and the shattering of glass could be heard from the end of the Camelot mansion.

"Boys," they muttered to themselves, and continued with their tea.

~End

Thank you for reading. Please review and tell me what you think of this piece!