It's Hard Out There for a (Vulcan) Pimp: Part 1/2

Quick disclaimer: Don't own them.

Warning: This version of the crew= frat house in outer space

Holding the lone non-alcoholic beverage in the room, Spock deftly navigated the thick crowds of gold, red and blue uniforms in the mess hall as he searched for Lieutenant Uhura. His long-legged stride was as graceful as ever, despite the mounting irritation he was experiencing after being sidetracked several times to briefly converse with various crew members—including the current bartender, Nurse Chapel.

He finally found his target.

Uhura was resting one elbow on Scotty's shoulder as she slowly drained her own glass. The two officers along with the rest of the senior bridge crew were all focused on the display before them. She spun around upon the stroke of fingers on her wrist and immediately stepped into the lean, warm body before her.

"Come watch, Commander!" Uhura said after pressing a soft kiss to his adam's apple. Spock held back a purr and replied, "I would rather we retire to my quarters as soon as possible, Lieutenant. I find myself uninterested in this setting. Also—you are inebriated." He folded his hands behind him to prevent the slender woman from trying a Vulcan kiss.

She turned away from him with a smile only to lay the back of her head against his chest.

"Hmmm, we will, but you have to see this first, it's hilarious." Spock strongly doubted the logic of her statement but didn't argue, because her hair smelled like freesia.

A few feet in front of them, Spock observed Chekov emitting rhythmic, sharp sounds from his mouth which were muffled by his folded hands while Sulu tapped out loud thumps on the table he crouched beside. Although the sounds and thumps were not synchronized, it was clear that they were both acting in coordination with the other. Jim Kirk silently stood between them, bobbing and swaying slightly on his feet. He was also holding a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his fingers. Rounding out the scene was Dr. McCoy, who was beholding the spectacle with a grimace of unending pain on the opposite side of Scotty.

Spock blinked. "Riveting. Now we must depart."

Scotty leaned over Uhura's ponytail towards him. "Wouldna do that, lad. Fun's just about ta start!"

Suddenly Kirk looked up and brought the sealed bottle just below his mouth.

"My name is James T. Kirk! Finest damn Captain in the universe!"

Over the burst of raucous laughter, Spock heard and felt Uhura's quiet chuckle reverberate through his chest.

"That man's ego knows no bounds." He could not disagree with this.

Kirk then freestyled,

Ladies, ladies

Far and wide

Come to Jimmy

to keep you warm at night.

Don't be afraid

This is no attack

Trust the man in gold

Jimmy's got your back

Leave your boys at home

It's time for a man

Who can make you scream

Like this Captain can!

"Kirk out."

Everyone but Bones (who just scowled) was doubled over in laughter.

"You're a dumbass, Jim."

"How'd you like that one, Lieutenant? Dedicated to you, of course," Kirk winked at Uhura.

She sighed. "I wonder how you ever managed to lose your virginity." Bones snorted. "That makes two of us."

They gave each other discreet low fives.

Kirk ignored them both and instead set his sights on the tall Vulcan quietly glaring beside Uhura.

"Ahhh, my first officer. I was wondering where you disappeared to...would've thought you'd be over all these illogical human shenanigans by now." Which he was. "You want another?" Kirk gestured to the other man's empty glass.

"I do not require further refreshment. Captain," Spock redirected with a tilt of his head, hands folded behind his back,"you implied that this was not the first time you have engaged in..."

"Freestyle flow, son!"

Spock raised a single eyebrow. "Yes. And what is the purpose of this activity?"

Kirk shrugged. "Somethin' to do when you're wasted." His face brightened with the glee of a child on Christmas morning. "You know, if you weren't so...you...I might challenge you to a one-on-one battle."

Scotty began to choke on his Bud Classic until Uhura gave him a swift smack on the back.

"Thanks lass."

"Dammit Jim," Bones groaned with an eye roll. "Everyone knows Vulcans don't rap! It'd probably make their brains explode just to try."

"On the contrary, doctor." The corner went silent as everyone's gaze swung to the Commander.

Spock stepped forward to retrieve the Jack Daniels from Kirk's grasp.

"It is not the Vulcan way to back down from a challenge. I must freestyle," he confirmed.

Dark brown eyes met bloodshot blue for a moment before the blonde man let go of the bottle with a lopsided, impish smirk.

"Okay. Go right now."

Are Kirk's rhymes unbeatable? Or will Commander Spock manage to cut a bitch? Stay tuned and please review. :)

P.S. Don't worry, Spock will not get drunk off JD. That's not how he rolls.