A/N: I wanted to finish at least one story this year.
0138
After reading the reviews, I've decided to finish this once and for all. Also, it's 0138 and I figure why not? It's not like I could be doing better things, like, say sleeping.
0139
One minute in an already I'm confused.
What the fuck is glamming? Is it somehow related to flaming? Perhaps Tara's subconscious was weeping in despair under the pile of criticism and attempted to make a bright, cheery thing out of what had to have been a metric fuck-ton of hate mail.
0141
dubya.
No lie – I'm still stuck on the authors note. Dubya appears to be Tara's place of origin. Unfortunately, it appears she's left this place and is out free in the world.
Everybody, hide your keyboards! Just do it!
0142
Snape is in the car! Oh thank god! An actual character.
0143
Whoa – whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa WHOA!
Circumamcizing? Circumamcizing?
Seriously? The car is flying around, lopping off foreskins in the sky above them? They're going to have to change the lyrics to the song – instead of it's raining men, it's now raining man parts.
Eww.
Also, return of the idiotic donderheads. I actually had to change it back to donderheads because – what do you know? – spell check works.
0145
Was her name always Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way? Was that apostrophe always there? Does it indicate a pause or a skip in syllables? Is there some sort of special way one must pronounce this word?
0146
The dork lord!
…is too cool for this fic. Honestly – I'm a self-proclaimed dork. Should I ever find this dork lord, I will undoubtedly be forced to comfort him after the trauma of being mentioned in this catastrophe.
0147
Oh Ebony, by the way, I forgot to mention Snape's a ropeist.
Goddamn spell check – keep having to make the words wrong again.
What the hell is a ropeist? Is he what, like, a boyscout or something? He ties really good ropes? No wait – I got it – BDSM dungeon master.
Who teaches…at a school…full of young children…
Well, he's certainly knot a rapist. Get it? Geddit?
I'm not even sure how you misspell 'Get it.'
Also, going with what Tara was undoubtedly trying to proclaim – that Snape was a rapist – who uses the words 'I forgot to mention' when describing sexual assault?
An emotional leper.
0151
So Satan doesn't put his close on and everyone is scarred.
Well shit, man, it took you FORTY-FOUR CHAPTERS to realize you can't write worth shit.
0153
So Satan changes in Voldemont, who I believe is new to this story. Kudos to him. BUT…
Who was Satan having sex with? Was he even in the previous scene? And how did get naked if he wasn't?
Also, I've honestly forgotten who Satan is a substitute character for. There's too many 'S' names. I think Sirius and Snape have been crossbred to form most of them.
0155
And old English is back. Although – I knew who thou were all along – totally makes sense grammatically.
I keep my praise to myself, however, on account of the fact that I no longer believe correct anything is an effort on Tara's part. I believe that it was an inevitability – eventually she had to get something right.
0157
Thunder came in da room.
Who the fuck is Thunder and why on earth would he want to enter this room?
I've scanned the next two paragraphs and now have tears in my eyes. They're awful, no lie. It's gonna take me twenty minutes to get through them.
0158
Aren't Willow and B'loody Mary supposed to be Hermione's evil doppelgangers? How the hell are they running in together?
Wait, wait – I got it; conjoined twins.
Genius.
And honestly, honestly, HONESTLY, what's with the fucking apostrophe?
It's really freakin' irritating. Just saying.
0201
Diabolo and Drocula – Ron's doppelgangers. Also conjoined twins.
On the plus side, Ginny – actual character. Some of my homicidal rage has abated but that's only because I haven't finished reading the list of characters yet. I'm sure it'll come back in a minute.
0202
Gorge is wrong but Fred is right.
Hargrid. I have to say – honestly, I think Tara's probably been most consistent in the misspelling of this characters name than any of the others. He's pretty much always been Hargrid. The giant pedophile rapist.
0204
Dumblydore is back! And wait – give me a second.
Holy shit – McGonagall is spelled correctly. Damn, Tara.
You really got lucky this chapter.
0205
Serious is back. But isn't Serious Satan? And isn't Satan really Voldemont? Or was Serious Snape who is still flying around in the sky circumamcizing poor unsuspecting flying men.
Does not bode well for Superman.
Lucian doesn't really deserve any mention. He's pointless – completely and utterly pointless like this fanfiction.
0207
He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily.
Cause Dumbledore loves him some broomstick.
A wooden broomstick as a sexual aid – I'm not exactly an expert, but that has got to hurt.
0209
Volxemort has appeared! The newest incarnation of the Dark Lord who is fucking pissed that he got dragged out of bed and into this story at two o'clock in the morning!
Where the fuck did Slugborn come from? What is he even doing here? Wha?
0210
"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" Snape ejaculated menacingly.
Ejaculating menacingly.
Definitely a rapist.
0211
Oh god, this is so fucking horrible. Like, my brain is dying right now. I read the next paragraph and all I can think is how could this happen? How? HOW?
0213
"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!" screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.
Ulgh.
I'm curious about this four-lettered word for dirt. Isn't it sand? Or dust? Or dirt?
Well, we can confirm in addition to not knowing how to spell, Tara can't count.
There's nine letter in "CRUCIATUS" which is also not a real spell.
I'm thinking Tara can't actually read. Which totally explains how she managed to write this thing for forty-four chapters.
0216
So Snap is back and Crackle and Pop are in the wind, but Snap had the cideo camera of Ebony basically doing it with half the school. She's in the bathroom, she's with Drako (new character) and Satan is with…
Oooh, suspense – who was Satan video taped with? And was it the real Satan or was it actually – gasp – Voldemort! Or one of his many strange cousins…
Dun, dun, dun…
On a side note, I feel like I've been describing the plot of a soap opera for the last forty minutes. Like General Hospital on methamphetamines with magic and no real plot. And minus the eye candy.
0219
Okay – it's VIDEOS. Not 'cideos' V-I-D-E-O-S.
Definitely can't read.
Also, Paris Hilton is goth?
Do the other goth people know?
0220
FYI – Snap is totally doing it with Loopin, which is a surprise to a chained up and highly intoxicated Lupin, who slurps as he sits in chains, randomly appearing out of time and relative dimension in space.
Yes – that is a Doctor Who reference.
I'm feeling geeky tonight.
0222
Harry? Wow – what? When did you get back into the story?
Why did you come back? You were free – free like a bird! You should have flown the fuck away why you still had a chance.
And Lumpkin.
The lumpy cousin of Lupin. His animal side is a couch potato. He eats remote controls and is extremely defensive about possible past sexual conquests. Also ashamed to be associated with Snap.
Or maybe he just doesn't like having his picture taken. I don't know – I'm perpetually confused by this fanfiction. I'm not even trying to make sense anymore.
0224
Where does she get her insults from? Honestly – donderheads, ignoramuses – which, holy shit, is an actual multi-syllable word that is spelled correctly – and of course, motherfuckers.
Wait – that last one…
0226
Thou shall all dye soon.
Yes, but what color? I'm dying to know.
Insert huge sigh here.
This is what I've been reduced to – horrible puns. Horrible, just horrible.
0227
Harry is still stuck in this hell dimension, Navel has made and appearance, and Diablo is back.
That is all.
0228
What the hell is a Latin stand-of?
Oh, yeah, and now everybody has guns. Wassup? Why not?
0229
Nevel. Navel has escaped – good for him. And Voldemort's mildly dyslexic cousin Voldrimort, is trying his hand at being the Dark Lord for a day.
And just as quickly as he was hijacked, Nevel escapes, mercilessly throwing Nevil under the bus.
Well played, kid – well played.
0231
Seems a shame to kill Evony. She just got here, after all.
He maid lighting come all over da place.
I do not want to touch this sentence. Even with a ten foot pole. And god, now everything sounds dirty. Yulk.
0232
"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried.
And the hillbilly cousin makes a plea to the main character because he hasn't been here long enough to realize Ebony has no magical powers at all.
0233
The most poetically accurate statement ever – Ebony has to doing something more impotent.
Told you she didn't have magic.
And now she shouts Abra Kedabra and I am done with this bitch.
For-fucking-ever.
Peace to all your poor souls who have read this fanfiction – I feel your pain, dudes. To the depths of my soul and in the horrors of my memory, I feel it.
To the people who have reviewed – God bless. You guys gave me the strength to make it to this day.
To everybody else…
Hell, it's two-thirty in the morning. I'm going to bed.