Hagrid, Hermione, Luna, Ron, Dumbledore, Riku, Sora, Aragog, and Dobby walked around Hipsterville, Washington. They entered a Suncents (it's like Starbucks, but less mainstream) coffee shop and each ordered a hot chocolate. Hagrid ordered five, along with six donuts and a cinnamon bun. Geddit? Cuz he's fat. They sat down at a table and discussed their predicament.

"So," started Hermione. "We are all here in America, with no knowledge of who exactly our manager is other than she's Indian or something and no real transportation other than Norberta who is…somewhere. Meanwhile, Hogwarts has apparently been all over the wizarding news."

Hermione threw a newspaper on the table. Everyone looked at the front page.

ZOMBIE PREPS INVADE HOGWARTS!

Oky, guyz, so some Griffindoor prep calld Navel strtd smeo zombi invazin and now ereyone's ded but Vampire Potter, my beloved Draco, Margaret Cho, Snap, nd Dracola! It's so fucking kawaii. N-e-way, I won rit anoher artikel umtil I get 6 god reviews! If you dont I WILL SLIT MUH WRISTS!

The article would be a lot more hilarious if it weren't for the fact that the picture was of Zombie Ginny gnawing on Fred.

"Fred!" screamed Ron.

"Oh, he would have died, anyway," said Aragog.

"But you were supposed to die but you're still alive!" said Ron.

"Please, the fangirls love me too much for that," said Aragog, posing for a few hipster chicks in passing. They vomited. "Wait, I thought hipsters loved giant spiders!"

"No, that's furries," said Luna.

"Well, I think I know where we need to go next!" said Dumbledore, grabbing a hipster's laptop and logging on to Anthrocon's website.

"So, here's my plan," said Hermione. "We ditch the Mystery Woman and save the five survivors. Harry's much too important to die. It's his series, for gods' sake!"

"What part of Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz don't you understand?" asked Aragog. "We've been doing just fine without Harry."

"No!" said Hagrid. "'Ermione's right! 'Arry needs us now! We need ta leave an' save 'im!"

"Um…" mumbled Dobby. "But don't we have a gig?"

"…Cancel it," said Hermione as a dramatic wind burst through the coffee shop. "I don't care about the music anymore, Harry needs us! He's our friend!"

"…Dooooh, group 'ug!" said Hagrid. Hagrid got up from his seat and grabbed Hermione, crushing her lungs as he hugged her.

"Yay!" said Ron, joining.

"Oh, what the Hell?" asked Aragog as he joined.

"Orgy!" screamed Dumbledore.

"Crowning Moment of Heartwarming Tear Jerker Fridge Brilliance!" said Luna.

The two crazy(est) ones, along with the other members who barely have any lines, joined in on the hug. Once the group hug disbanded and Hagrid gave a ten minute session of CPR to the unconscious Hermione, Hermione took the band outside of the coffee shop. She had a plan. An actual plan, too, not one of those things where she says something like "formation alpha gamma lambda" and runs around screaming wildly.

"Okay, everyone…FORMATION ALPHA GAMMA LAMBDA!" screamed Hermione.

Oh, you bitch.

While the entire band was screaming for no apparent reason, Hagrid pulled Norberta out of Dumbledore's anus. This was met with confusion and slight arousal from the citizens of Hipsterville. The band members jumped onto her back. Norberta got a running start, crushing many hybrid cars on the street in the process, and flapped her wings. Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz flew into the air, ready to leave Hipsterville behind them.

"…Tha' was easy," said Hagrid.

"Well then!" said Dumbledore, "Who says we start singing?"

"Higher! Higher! Higher!

Save me, my special knight!

Oh!

Oh!

True Love!

I just want to fly high like a-" sang Sora.

"LOOKS LIKE MIDNIGHT XTASY IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!"

"What the fu-" started Riku.

Voldemort and his merry band of Mary Sues came flying at Norberta. Midnight Xtasy crashed into Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz. This caused Norberta to scream in pain and fly back into Dumbledore's anus, which, in turn, made Hagrid, Hermione, Luna, Ron, Riku, Sora, Aragog, Dobby, Voldemort, Sailor Earth, Peggy Shipper, Lapis Lazuli, Nocturne Langley, Madison Misery, and Leon Goldborn fall from the sky and land onto the roof of the Suncents.

"…AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHH!" screamed Hagrid. "AAAAAHHHH!"

"Hagrid!" said Hermione, brushing off the dust from her schoolgirl outfit.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Hagrid as he got up and started shaking Voldemort wildly. "AAAAHHHHH!"

"Hagrid, we're not falling anymore!" said Ron.

"AAAAAAHHHHSHUTUPRONAAAAAHHHH HH!" screamed Hagrid, now using Voldemort as a jump rope. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh, bloody hell," said Hermione. "Euphoria Gizzicus!"

Hagrid then stopped screaming. A strange, dirty smile appeared onto his face.

"Gross," said Dumbledore.

"Okay, what the Hell is going on?" asked Aragog.

"The Justice League!" screamed Peggy.

"They're after us!" said Lapis.

"I could take them," said Leon.

"Well, you didn't, you bitch!" said Nocturne. "Now look, we just blasted off all the way from California to Washington!"

"How far are they from us?" asked Hermione, suddenly worried.

"Not far," said Sailor Earth. "They're, at farthest, in Oregon."

"Oh dear, we are majorly screwed, aren't we?" asked Hermione. "If the Justice League is after us, that means-"

"SHUT UP AND FIGHT US!" screamed Nocturne.

Nocturne punched Hermione in the boobs. Hermione, after rubbing her boobs in pain, lunged at the Mary Sue and started pulling her hair. Nocturne used her eight-inch stilettos as daggers, trying to stab Hermione in the stomach, but Hermione parried every thrust with her wand. Nocturne finally slashed Hermione across her boobs and pinned her to the ground.

Sailor Earth jumped onto Aragog's back and stabbed him with her keyblade. Aragog gurgled in pain and then shook her off of his back. The Sue then shot a stream of webs out of her fingertips, wrapping him in a cocoon of sparkling webs.

"I know all your moves, Sonya!" said Sailor Earth.

"Who the Hell is Sonya?!" screamed Aragog.

Peggy Shipper grabbed Luna, Sora, and Riku by their heads and bashed them together. She then took out a giant gun and tried to shoot them, but she missed every shot.

"…No!" she screamed. "That's not how it happened!"

Peggy Shipper grabbed Luna, Sora, and Riku by their heads and bashed them together. She then took out a giant gun and tried to shoot them, hitting them with a giant explosion that was super cool because Peggy Shipper is super cool. And then the three got captured for some raison.

"That's better!" Peggy said.

Lapis Lazuli and Ron started to fight. However, Lapis Lazuli was too perfect and too kawaii desu to actually fight, so she cried sparkly sugoi tears and Ron felt sorry for her, so he laid down and played dead. Then little critters came out of nowhere to comfort Lapis.

Madison Misery began to fight Dumbledore. Madison then stopped as her phone started ringing. She answered it. It was the doctor. Her favorite pet squirrel Kiki's cancer had taken a turn for the worse. She, much like Lapis, began to cry sparkly sugoi tears, but Dumbledore was not havin' dat shit. He slapped Madison across the face, which made her cry more. Tears fell onto Dumbledore, and their hypnotic powers made him bow down to her and smack himself across the face with a random frying pan.

Leon grabbed Dobby by the nose and punched him. He punched him so hard that Dobby flew up to the sun and came back down. And unlike his lame, stupid comrades, Leon then took out a gun and shot Dobby in the heart, killing him.

Yes, killing him. He's dead. Dobby is fucking dead.

"Look, Hagrid!" Voldemort laughed. "Your band is dying! Especially Dobby, who looks deflated and…like, actually dead. No, really, dead. Now, it's time to die as well!" He took out his magic wand, which for some reason, was Bedazzled. "Avada…"

All of a sudden, the colors of the wind flew around Voldemort and his Sues and stopped them dead in their tracks. The Mystery Woman walked on from stage right and pulled Voldemort's fabulous wand out of his hands.

"Hello, Voldemort," said the Mystery Woman.

"Actually, it's pronounced VOL-DEH-MOR," said a hipster. The Mystery Woman side-eyed him and he ran away.

"Anyway, thank you for keeping my band on American soil," she said, brandishing the wand, "But you see, I can't have you kill them. They're too valuable. Except Dobby, you can kill him."

"Already did!" scream Leon.

"Shut up, Leon," said the Mystery Woman.

"He's the Ron of the group," whispered Ron to Dobby's corpse.

"Midnight Xtasy, you're done," she said.

The Mystery Woman flicked her wrists and the colors of the wind formed a tornado which carried the evil band out of the city. They probably screamed some Pokémon quote, but no one heard it. The Mystery Woman turned her attentions to Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz.

"You missed your gig," she said. "That's not cool."

"We don' cayuh!" said Hagrid. "We need ta save 'Arry!"

"No, you're needed here. My plan depends on it," she said. She tossed away Voldemort's wand and took out her own tomahawk wand. "Now get back to the venue and destroy the city."

"We were going to do that anyway, but why?!" asked Dumbledore.

"As if you haven't figured this all out already!" said the Mystery Woman.

The Mystery Woman took off her glasses and tossed aside her fedora and trench coat. The bands gasped. Dumbledore crapped his pants. The entire city went silent. Luna started to cry, but no critters came to comfort her. Hermione then screamed.

"POCAHONTAS?"