Of the pains of the canon characters

T/N: Original title: Vom Leiden der ICs, (C) by TonicWater on fanfiktion(dot)de.
This is an authorized translation. If you'd like to read the originals, here are the addresses:
http://www(dot)fanfiktion(dot)de/s/4b24f1260000a26c067007d0
http://www(dot)fanfiktion(dot)de/s/4b27c1a10000a26c067007d0
http://www(dot)fanfiktion(dot)de/s/4b43a2310000a26c067007d0
http://www(dot)fanfiktion(dot)de/s/4b4a0f7c0000a26c067007d0
http://www(dot)fanfiktion(dot)de/s/4b6b3b0d0000a26c067007d0

Any reviews would be appreciated, and you are welcome to post here or at the original site (anonymous reviews are enabled there so you don't necessarily have to register at the original site).Furthermore, I'm going to translate any review written in English into German, so not knowing any German is no excuse for not posting any reviews... ^^
I hope you enjoy this story, as does the author of the original.

Please note that since this document is rated as P12 at its origin, it carries a rating of T on this site, chiefly because of language.
You may still read this if you are below the age of 12, but in that case parental guidance is recommended.

T/N 2: REOPENED!
Since the author of the original has written more parts of this, I have decided to reopen this story since there is yet more to come - currently there are four more parts to be translated...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ by TonicWater ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi, folks! ^^

I've wondered – gosh, what would our charas say if they were aware of the rather exotic pairings present most of the time?

Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, and the rest are frustratedly coming together in order to complain about fanfics.

Have fun!^^

~*~

The door to the faculty room opened with a loud bang, and a distressed Severus Snape dramatically stood in the door frame.
"They've done it again", he lamented at the assembled staff.
"Who are they", Horace asked appalledly.
"What have they done now", Minerva McGonagall who immediately understood what was going on asked with compassion.
"The fanfic authors! They've paired me off with Potter again! Don't they just know that I hate this insolent, arrogant snotty nose above anything else?"
He angrily sat down on one of the chairs and folded his arms. Even Minerva didn't make any objections although he had just offended one of her students.
"But that's not the only thing", he let go, "or did anyone of you ever notice my incredibly stunning body build!? I mean, I don't even do any sports! If they knew what a scrawny whitey I am, they would surely be dumbfounded!"
Minerva giggled when she considered the notion.
"Not to mention you so irregularly washing your hair", she grinned at him.
"So what!? Just leave me be! I don't really want to list those things they're writing about you! Since when do you have an affair with Hermione, anyway", he hissed back.
Minerva turned visibly pale.
"With Miss Granger? Urrrhhhhh! That's entirely new to me", she said with astonishment though being disgusted. "I merely know that they pair me off with Albus and that the two of us practice the horniest sex games..."
Snape already wanted to give an invidious retort, but then the door opened and a picture of misery named Albus Dumbledore entered the faculty room.
"Albus, what happened to you", Snape asked with shock as the principal sat down next to Minerva.
"Do I look like a megalomaniac madman who attempts to instigate Harry against Voldemort at all cost in order to kill him later and to subsequently seize world rulership and who is also a black mage and who is going to backstab you", he asked broken-heartedly.
Minerva snorted.
"Let me guess: Fanfic authors and their terrific ideas", she laughed.
"That's not funny! I'm the crazed villain in virtually every story although Voldemort is the one who is nuts... I'm glad that at least a few authors are committed to me... the last census amounted to six", Albus lamented.
"Indeed, and they are writing about your wild bed games", Severus laughed.
"Not just that... looks as if a new idea has come forth that the two of us also have a bit on the side, too", Albus remarked, now grinning again.
Snape opened his mouth, then closed it again. "They must be one cauldron short of an experiment!"
Suddenly the door slammed open, and Voldemort stood in the frame like a rheumy rhinoceros.
"WHO HAS PROPAGATED THAT I HAD A LOVE AFFAIR WITH POTTER??? OR WITH SNAPE OR MALFOY", he ranted.
"I have just wondered when you were going to pop up, Tom. And concerning your question, it have been the fanfic authors", Albus grinned.
"It is still VOLDEMORT for you", he shouted. "But those ******* must be entirely nuts! I HATE love! I hate Potter, I hate you! I hate Snape, I hate..." With that he left.
"What was that", Snape wondered with bewilderment.
"Where have we been", Minerva interjected.
"Pairing someone off with someone else", Albus reminded her.
"Of course! Well, Albus, they are pairing you off with me, with Snape, with Grindalwald – I've even seen things where they are pairing you off with Harry, Galatea, or even Luna."
"Really? That they don't put that past me", Albus murmured with shock. "Well, that's still better than being a crazed lunatic whose pleasure it is to seize all power and who is done in in the end – I always feel like Kenny from Southpark with that..."
"Oh, just stop lamenting, Albus. At least they are writing about you, Severus, and Minerva", Filius interjected. "Or have you read any fanfic in which I or the others come to bear?"
"Well, if you were as bronzed and well-trained as I am you would also be able to get that Granger into bed", Severus mumbled. "This Granger is smart ad nauseam, but who had come up with that outrageous notion to pair me off with HER? I mean, we can't even stand each other!"
Albus grinned.
"Don't you grin like that, that Granger girl has also dragged you into bed and has a child from you, according to fanfic!"
"I'm wondering how that is supposed to work... I'm supposed to be gay! Or do I have an entirely unique sexual orientation now?"
"Did we have any group sex so far?"
"Minerva! That from your mouth", Snape laughed, but then said contemplatively: "No, I don't think so."
Again the door banged open and a screaming Harry rushed in!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Help, I'm an avengingangel-dark-veela-dragon-fairy-elf-ghost-vampire-sirene-shadowbeing-devil-deity-elementalruler-flibbertigibbet-human-nonhuman-demibeing-crawler-alien! I'M IN THE WRONG BOOK!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
And jumped out of the window.
"Well, we've finally gotten rid of that one", Snape murmured and looked out of the window. "Yikes, he surely looks squashed!"
"Oh no! I hear the fanfic authors arrive", Albus said.
"Let's get out of here! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
As quickly as possible Albus, Minerva and Snape ran away.
The others looked at each other.
"They're suffering extremely because of those fanfics."
They nodded acknowledgement at each other and also left the faculty room.