*Contains spoilers about Momiji's past (for those who haven't read Chapter 23, Volume 4 of the manga.).
Hatori surveyed his room, pleased that he was to clean it in record time.
One last thing to do.
He walked over to his bookcase and picked up the framed image of his beloved and dusted it carefully.
His beloved. Souma Kana.
I wonder what she's doing now.
A soft rapping on his door interrupted his reverie. "Hari! Guess who's here to see you."
Hatori opened the door and found his cousin Momiji standing there. "Well Momiji, who is it?"
Momiji smiled and pushed Tooru forward. "She came bringing presents for me and she has something for you, too. Yuki's outside waiting for her." Momiji nudged Tooru forward. "Go ahead, Tooru."
Tooru kept her head bowed. She was still a little intimidated of Hatori, despite having known him for over two years now. "This is for you, Hatori-san." She held out the present. "It really isn't anything. Just a simple token."
Hatori reached out to receive the gift. "Thank you." He moved aside. "Please, come in."
"Hari isn't used to stuff like this." Momiji giggled and poked Hatori on his side.
Tooru blushed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position."
"No, no. You misunderstood. I—Thank you. It's been a while since I received any kind of present from anyone, especially from someone outside of my family." Hatori studied the box in his hand. "I'll really treasure this, Honda-kun."
"But you can't open your present yet, Hari." Momiji lectured. "You'll have to wait until Christmas to find out what Tooru got for you."
Hatori walked over to his desk and placed the gift on top. "You must be cold from your walk. Momiji, why don't you go find us something to drink."
Momiji nodded. "Okay! I think I'll go ask Yuki if he wants a drink, too. Don't talk about anything important until I come back, okay?"
Hatori waited until Momiji disappeared into the corner before turning his attention to Tooru. "You really didn't have to, you know. It would have been okay if--"
"But I wanted to," she blurted out. "You take such great care of everyone, including me. This is my way of thanking you." Tooru spied the rag in his hand. "Oh, were you cleaning? Did we disturb you? I'm so sorry. Would you like me to help?"
Hatori had forgotten about the rag. "Just some minor dusting." He hastily stuffed it into his jacket pocket. "So, how are Shigure, Kyou and Yuki?"
"Shigure-san is trying to finish another manuscript, but he gets so easily distracted by everything that he hasn't even written ten pages."
"That's typical of Shigure." He smiled. "Have you read any of his works?"
"I could never find the time to read his serious stuff. They're too long and too cerebral for me." Tooru grinned sheepishly. "My friend Hana-chan and I have been following his … other work, though."
"Ah."
"But, I promised him that I'd read his novels during the summer break."
"No doubt that pleased him to no end." Hatori leaned back on his chair. "What about Kyou and Yuki?"
"They're fine. I'm worried about Yuki's weak bronchi – he's outside the compound right now and it's pretty cold, which is why I can't stay for very long. Kyou insists on continuing his training despite the cold -- I'm also worried that he might get sick."
It pleased Hatori to know that there was someone looking out for his younger cousins. He looked at Honda Tooru intently, listened to her talk about the situation in Shigure's house.
She reminds me so much of Kana.
Will she turn out like Kana did?
He tried to block the horrible thoughts from his mind, but he couldn't. He watched her, this beautiful, vibrant girl who had breathed life and brought light to the Souma family.
Will Yuki and Kyou be stronger than I was?
Will they be able to protect her?
He wasn't able to save Kana. He hadn't been strong enough to hold on to their dreams.
Would I have to erase this girl's memory as well?
"Hatori-san? Could you come over to the house this Sunday? It's Christmas Eve and I'm going to prepare a Christmas dinner and—"
"Hey, no fair! Why does Hari get invited and not me?" Momiji returned with three cans cradled in the crook of his arm. "Yuki still refuses to come in even though his teeth are chattering." He rushed in and offered a can to Tooru before giving one to Hatori. "I want to go, too."
Tooru opened her can and took a sip of the warm tea. "You're invited, too. Everyone is."
"Really? Wow! This is going to be so much fun." Momiji clapped his hands in glee. "I wonder if we can get Haru to wear something more festive for the occasion."
Tooru giggled. "I'm looking forward to it, too. It's the first time I'm celebrating Christmas with so many people. I usually just spend it with my mother. I do hope you can make it." She fiddled with the ribbon in her hair.
Momiji pulled at Hatori's sleeve. "So, what do you think Hari? Do you think we can go?"
Hatori looked down at Momiji and nodded.
"H'ray!" Momiji grabbed hold of Tooru's hand and pulled her up. "Come! Maybe you can convince Yuki to come in and the two of you can help me decide what to wear on Sunday. See you later, Hari!"
When the door slid shut, Hatori rose from his chair and pulled out the heavy suitcase from under his bed. He opened it and continued to pack his clothes.
I wonder if anyone knows.
He'd been planning this for months now. He was finally going to run away from the Souma family.
He retrieved Kana's photograph from the shelf. I should have done this a long time ago. Then maybe…
He ran his finger down Kana's face. Maybe. He felt the familiar ache in his heart. He felt the familiar loneliness and longing. He clutched at his chest, as though to stop himself from feeling the pain, the regret -- the sadness.
He placed the framed photograph on top of his clothes before shutting his suitcase.
* * *
Hatori checked his watch.
It's time.
The moment had finally come – it was time for him to leave.
He looked over his room one last time and glimpsed the red and gold package that had been sitting on top of his desk since Friday.
I wonder what Honda-kun got for me. Seeking to satisfy his curiosity, he sat on his bed and tore open the wrapping.
It was a snow globe, but this one did not contain the usual winter landscape.
He read the note that came with the package.
Dear Hatori-san,
Do you know what snow turns into when it melts?
Spring.
Thank you for taking care of all of us. We wouldn't know what we would do without you.
Merry Christmas!
He shook the snow globe, watched the cherry blossoms float about a miniature park and laughed quietly.
He reread the message.
All of us.
Images of his younger cousins' faces flitted across his mind.
What we would do without you.
He remembered the many times Yuki could come crying to him, soaking his shirt and handkerchief with his tears. He remembered the look on Momiji's face after he had erased his mother's memory.
He had always considered these memories too painful to bear and had wished several times that he could erase his own memory.
What would have happened if I hadn't been there?
He remembered the vulnerability he saw in Kyou's eyes. He could picture vividly Kyou's angry eyes that tried to conceal the feelings of insecurity and of being lost.
And the sight of Kisa's badly battered body.
If I hadn't been there.
What would have happened to them if I hadn't been there?
With a sigh, he opened his suitcase and took out Kana's photograph and returned it to its place on the shelf.
He checked his watch for the second time that night.
It's almost time.
He carefully adjusted his necktie before leaving his room. Outside, he saw Momiji lounging on a chair, hugging his overcoat to his chest, waiting for him.
"Ah, Hari. I was beginning to worry that you wouldn't change your mind about leaving. I would have missed you terribly." Momiji got up from his seat and held out Hatori's coat. "Shall we? They're probably wondering where we are already."
"Do me a favor, Momiji and don't tell anyone."
Momiji winked impishly. "I won't, Hari."
Hatori spotted the large brown box on the floor beside Momiji. "What's in that?"
"It's a surprise. I had it flown in from Germany."
They walked to the garage where Hatori's car was parked. "Where's Haru?"
"Haru went ahead. He said he had to settle something with Kyou before the party." Momiji tapped a finger on his chin. "I hope he doesn't get lost going there by himself." After a moment of deliberation, Momiji shrugged. "Oh well, we can always send out a search party for him later, right?"
Halfway to Shigure's house, Hatori noticed that Momiji was fidgeting in his seat. "What is it, Momiji?"
"If it isn't too much trouble, can we stop by somewhere first? I just need to do something."
Hatori didn't wait for Momiji to explain – he knew where Momiji wanted to go. "We can't stay for very long, though."
Momiji nodded. "I know."
* * *
Hatori shut off the engine and leaned back on his seat. I wonder what Momiji is planning to do. He looked out the car window and up at the penthouse of the tall building, ignoring the snowflakes that landed on his face. I hope he knows what he's doing.
Momiji rang the doorbell and waited anxiously for the door to open.
He'd been anticipating this moment for weeks now, practicing what he would say to her over and over and over. He checked his pocked and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt the small package there.
The door opened and Momiji's heart pounded as he stood face to face with his mother. Suddenly, all thought deserted him – the words he had been planning to say to her vanished from his mind. He stood there, mouth wide open, unable to find the words to tell her…
"Ah, Momiji-kun. Merry Christmas!"
Momiji's face brightened. Does she remember?
"What are you doing here? Why aren't you home with your family?"
Momiji's heart sank. What's the use in hoping that she'd remember me? "Hello, Auntie. I just wanted to stop by and wish you a Merry Christmas."
He could see his little sister hiding behind their mother's skirt. "Hello, cousin Momo. I have something for you." He fished out the small package from his pocket. "I hope you like it."
Momo eagerly accepted the present and whispered shyly, "Thank you."
Momiji's mom bent down and smiled at him. "That was very thoughtful of you, Momiji-kun." She reached out and ruffled his hair.
Unable to resist it, Momiji leaned over and kissed his mother on the cheek. "I'll be going now, Auntie. Merry Christmas again!"
"We'll see you at the New Year's party!" She waved goodbye to him.
* * *
From the moment Momiji got into the car, Hatori knew something was wrong with him. His usually chatty cousin had returned quiet and pensive.
"The snow is really coming down, isn't it?"
Momiji rested his head on the glass. "Yes."
"If you want to, I'm allowing you to build a snowman in the rock garden. I won't mind it this time."
Momiji forced a smile, appreciating Hatori's attempt to cheer him up. He continued to stare out the window, watching the snow, listening to the wind howl outside the car.
"Hari?"
"What is it?"
"Can you give people back their memories?"
Hatori gave him an apologetic look. "If I could, I would have already."
"It's strange, isn't it – to have a mother who doesn't remember you and a sister who doesn't know you exist," Momiji whispered brokenly, his vision blurring from the tears in his eyes.
"Your mother could not accept the fact that you had the curse of the Jyuunishi. We had to do something." Hatori offered his handkerchief to Momiji. "It was for the best."
"I know." Momiji replied, blowing his nose on the handkerchief. "I've understood that, but … sometimes, it's just hard to remember the good intentions behind such terrible deeds."
"I'm sorry you have to go through this."
"It isn't your fault, Hari." Momiji wiped his tears. "You do the best you can to take care of all of us. We wouldn't know what we would do if you weren't here."
Hatori nodded in reply. He made the turn into Shigure's driveway and parked the car in the shaded area beside the house. "We're here. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Hari? Can I have a hug, please?"
Without hesitating, Hatori moved to enfold Momiji in a hug. He hugged his cousin tight, as though to squeeze from Momiji every feeling of hurt and sadness and transferring them to his own heart. He hugged him for a long time, letting Momiji cry – waiting for his tears to subside.
Outside, the snow continued to fall, erasing the car tracks that led from outside Shigure's house to the garage. It continued to fall, covering the ledge of the penthouse window and inside, a mother and her daughter counted each snowflake. The snow continued to fall and fill the small footprints outside the building where the mother and daughter lived in – footprints that belonged to a seventeen-year old boy.
Inside the car, Hatori waited for the familiar coldness to come and bury the pain in his heart. Every year, it would come like clockwork – ever since Kana left. He had decided then that he could not live without her and his heart was dead. For many years after, he had been numb and indifferent to the world – and he preferred it that way.
That way, he didn't have to sympathize and feel. That way, he didn't have to participate in life. That way, he didn't have to ache as much.
But it didn't come.
What surprised him more was that he didn't seem to mind. The ice that had once encased his heart had finally melted.
Do you know what snow turns into when it melts?
~ Next Chapter: Christmas Eve
* * *
Author's Notes:
Momiji is seventeen in this fic (This happens two years from the start of the manga).
The first two lines in Tooru's note to Hatori are taken from the TV series (episode 8). They're words that both Kana and Tooru express regarding winter.
The paragraph (Outside, the snow continued to fall, erasing the car tracks…) of this fic was inspired by James Joyce's short story, "The Dead".
Added January 30, 2002
Momiji's past is told in Chapter 23, Volume 4 of the manga. Momiji's mom couldn't accept that her son was cursed by the Jyuunishi. Hatori had to erase her memory. She now has a daughter, Momo and they live in the building where Tooru works in as a cleaning lady.