::flicks wrist like the gay:: Crack fiiiiiiiiic!

………My God, I did that far too well, didn't I?
Well, really, it's not SO crackish, but it will be ridiculously hilarious. It was my terrible misfortune to come across all the yaoi pairings of FMA on the internet. Now, normally I wouldn't care. Fangirls have the liberty to do whatever they want, and if it involves slash, hey. Whatever floats your banana boat. I'm so perverted I can read/see those things without caring anyway.

However, these pairings make no sense! They are either wrong in the way the characters actually GET ALONG, or just WRONG, dude!! I mean, like Elricest?! That's like… That's like me and MY brother! Just…. SICK, man!!

Okay, you've had your Phoenix rant of the day.

EDVY_(EDxENVY)_

"So, how do you two feel about Edvy?"

The camera panned to where Edward Elric and that tranny palm tree were fighting (literally) to the death.

"Uh…..I guess that answers that."

AVAVA

ROYED

"Since, obviously, the Edvy pairing wasn't working, what about RoyEd?"

Ed raised an eyebrow. "Me and Colonel Bastard?"

Roy scoffed. "Sorry, I'm straight. And even if I weren't, he's too short for me."

"IAMNOTSHORTIAMTRAVELSIZED!!!!!!!"

This interviewer chose to escape safely.

AVAVA

HEIED_(Heiderich and…_Yes, him)

"Are you calmed down now?"

"Fuck. No."

"Uh…….Okay. Then…"

Ed started twitching. "Hey, here's a question for you. Why do half the fangirls on the internet have it in their minds that I'm gay?!!"

Alfons stared at him for awhile. "How much do you want an answer?"

Then Ed screamed semi-intelligibly at him for about five hours. (then he screamed FULLY intelligibly for another two, at which time Alfons finally died from his thingy-disease… that… he has.)

AVAVA

ALWRATH

Wrath stared at his friend. "Maybe if I was STONE drunk…"

"WRATH!!!"

"…Okay, maybe not THAT drunk…"

"THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL!!!!"

ENVY/WRATH

"SENPAIIIII~~!!" Wrath ran towards Envy with his arms outreached, wanting a hug…

…and getting a kick to the face.

Oh my God.

Don't kick the baby.

AVAVA

ROY/AL_( Not royal, as in monarchy.)

The little blonde boy looked up at the title. Then he looked at the colonel. His eyes got all big, sad, and watery, and his lip trembled.

"Piiiiiiiiiii…….!!"

Ed frowned, putting a hand on his brother's shoulder. "You idiots!! You made Al cry!!" he fumed.

"Piiiiiii…."

AVAVA

(And this is the one I've been waiting to do)

ELRICEST

Ed's jaw dropped as his face filled with terror. He stared at the title above, obviously terrorized.

Al, however, seemed not to get it.

"What?" he asked.

"Al?!!"

"I mean… What does that word mean anyway? I don't get it."

Ed sighed. "Ah, the innocence of youth…"

"You're not THAT much older than me…"

"Uh, okay…" Ed turned to Alfons. "YOU explain it."

"No way, dude," said Alfons, crossing his arms. "I'm dead here. I'm staying out of it."

"You suck…"

"You like it."

"I hate you."

"Hate me then. See if I care."

"Fine! I will!"

"Okay."

"Okay!"

"YOU GUYS!!!!"

"What?"

"STOP ADHD-ING!!"

The older two sighed. "Fine."

Al pointed like a mommy or a teacher. "Now apologize!"

Ed looked down. "I'm sorry I said I hated you and that you suck."

"And I'm sorry I called you a semi-retarded leprechaun with anger management issues."

"You called me a semi-retarded leprechaun with anger management issues?!"

"Yes, and I'm not proud of it."

Al sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Brother. Heiderich-san. Will you PLEASE stop being complete and total r-tards long enough to tell me what the HELL Elricest is?"

"You said it wrong."

"I KNOW I SAID IT WRONG!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, OF COURSE I'M SAYING IT WRONG!!"

"You said it with almost an accent."

"Yeah, go back to Russia."

I would like to point out that these two are acting like complete crackhead retards, because, as you know, they are teenage males. I, as a teenage male, would like to say that… Al really, REALLY needs to go back to Russia.

Ed took a deep breath. "Okay… Elricest is…" He stopped, blushing with a weird face. "I can't do it when you're looking at me!!"

Alfons covered his younger, alternate universe self's eyes. "Does this help?"

"That makes it worse!!"

Alfons sighed. "I'm dead. I don't HAVE to help, you know."

"Brother…"

AL USES… MOE-SHOTA CUTENESS ATTACK!!

"Please… Just tell me…" ::flowers and sparkles::

CHOICES:

GIVE IN

STAND YOUR GROUND

RUN AWAY

OTHER

"…"

ED CHOOSES… OTHER.

"…PASTAAAAAAA!!" Ed frowned as he felt the other two's stares on him. "Damn it, that's the most fail-tastic command yet!!"

"It's the Italian command," said Alfons.

Al hugged his brother's arm. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease~!"

"Uh…"

"ELRICEST MEANS EDWARD AND ALPHONSE HAVING SEX."

They all looked up to see Wrath standing in the doorway.

Wrath stared at them. "Knowing is half the battle." He then did a very emotionless, very Wrath-ish thumbs up and walked out.

Al's mouth made a square. "SHIT, dude!"

I have found three things wrong with Elricest.

1) Gender issue

Which is way less wrong than the other two:

2) Age issue (yes, in the anime they're technically 5 years apart. In the MANGA, Al's made of metal anyway, so yeah.)

3) The fact that they're freakin' BROTHERS!!! Dx

Also, the 'you made Al cry' part was a reference to Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu, when Kyon and Itsuki made Mikuru cry by dressing like morons.

The 'don't kick the baby' was obviously a reference to South Park.

And Italy (human name Feliciano Vargas) from Axis Powers Hetalia yelled out 'PASTAAAA!!' randomly. It was not a racist slur, it was an anime reference.

Right, so… Bye.