Project H: Twilight
By Panicattack/ Project H
Part 4
*Car*
Bella: Are they coming after me?
Edward: James is; he's a tracker. Lovers, prey, eBay items; he tracks them all. I read his mind. He wants to hunt you, and he doesn't even like Twix
Bella: I don't believe it!
Edward: I know. He says he doesn't like the wafer
Bella: I meant the bit about me
Edward: I set him off with my actions on the baseball field. He hates people who dance on the dugout. I just made this his most exciting game ever. It's like playing Cluedo with real murders
Bella: What do we do?
Edward: Kill him. Rip him apart, burn the pieces and pee on the flames
Bella: Do we have to do that last part?
Edward: Don't question me
***
*Swan house*
Bella: I don't know what to say
Edward: Tell him you're leaving, but let him down gently or-
Bella: Dad, I hate you and I'm leaving you forever!
Edward: -or not
***
*Cullen house*
Bella: Hey look, it's the friend of the guy trying to kill me
Laurent: I'm here to warn you about James. He's dangerous. OK, that's me done *leaves*
*Garage*
Jasper: I've had to kill our kind before. If we salvage some of the meat, I know a hotdog vendor we can sell it to
Carlisle: I don't relish the thought
Jasper: I don't like relish either. Mustard and ketchup are fine for me
Edward: OK, I'll take Bella south in my car. Carlisle, you lead the tracker north on your bike. Jasper and Alice, take the ride-on lawnmower and follow Carlisle. Emmett and Rosalie will unicycle behind Bella and me, and Esme will be fired out of a cannon
Carlisle: No Edward, that won't work
Edward: OK, me and Bella will take the cannon
Carlisle: James knows you wouldn't leave Bella. He'll follow you
Edward: Unless he knew we'd think that, in which case he'll follow the other group. He knows there's no reason to send a second group unless it's because we're trying to hide which group she's with
Carlisle: He knows her scent. We'll give her clothes to Esme and Rosalie to throw him off
Edward: But Bella will still have her own scent, which he can pick up and follow. It'll be strongest coming from her group so he'll follow it. I need to be with her to protect her
Carlisle: Then it's too easy for him. He knows you wouldn't leave her
Edward: But you're telling me to leave her, so if I do as you say then that statement isn't true. He can't know something that isn't true, so he's just got to guess one way or the other, meaning it makes no difference whether I'm with her or not
Carlisle:...
Edward:...
Emmett: Maybe we should all dress up like girls
Carlisle: How will that help?
Emmett: It couldn't hurt
*Bella, Jasper and Alice head south. Ed, Rosalie and Emmett (dressed as a girl) travel in the opposite direction, and Esme and Carlisle head in another*
***
*Hotel*
Alice: *Has vision*
Jasper: *Doesn't, so asks the following question* What did you see?
Alice: The tracker's changed course. Edward's convoluted and slightly self-contradictive guess as to the nature of our plan and the required course of action to undermine it was slightly correct
Bella: I knew it!
Jasper: Where is he going?
Alice: A room full of mirrors
Jasper: The carnival!
Alice: It looks more like a hall
Jasper: Too late, we're going to the carnival
Alice: *Starts drawing*
Jasper: Good thing you took those speed-drawing classes. And a good thing we bring crayons and paper with us everywhere we go
Bella: Ballet studio! Good thing I'm so good at pictionary *phones Edward*
Edward: We're coming to get you now. Then you and I are going to go somewhere...
Jasper: The carnival!
***
Bella: *Packing her bags*
Phone: *Rings*
Bella: *Answers* Mum?
James: I could be, but we'd need to complete some paperwork first. I've got your current Mum here, and she seems to have had an allergic reaction to being bitten on the neck and drained of blood. You can see her, but I need you to come alone to your old ballet studio. Kapiche?
Bella: Gesundheit
***
*Ballet studio*
James: Hello Bella, I thought we might film this encounter for Edward. We'll make a DVD of it. I'll include a director's commentary, deleted scenes, and that outtake of when you almost ran away
Bella: *Runs*
James: *Catches her* There it is
Bella: Behind the dog, you'll find a ball...
James: Now I throw Bella into a wall *throws Bella*. In the theatre, it's good luck to say to someone "break a leg" *breaks Bella's leg*
Bella: *Screams*
James: I guess they were wrong *bites Bella's hand*
Edward: In Australia they say "chookas" *tackles James*
Bella: Chookas, Edward!
James: You're first, because you're faster than the others. And they used Google Maps, which always takes you the longest way
Edward: Never insult Google! *Slams James against wall*
*Other Cullens arrive*
Edward: Oh good, just as the fight is over
Carlisle: Go to Bella, she needs you
Edward: What's new?
Carlisle: You need to suck the venom out of her hand
Edward: You're the doctor, why can't you do it?
Carlisle: I don't want to get girl germs
Edward: *Starts sucking*
Bella: I thought we weren't taking our relationship to that level yet
Edward: This doesn't count
Bella: Sucking venom out of your partner's hand is third base
Edward: I'm done by the way
Bella: Thanks for that. Bella sleep now
***
*Hospital*
Renee: Bella?
Bella: Mum? Why are you here?
Renee: I thought there might be a reading of your will
Bella: What happened?
Renee: You broke your leg and lost a lot of blood. You fell down a flight of stairs, through a window, into the path of a steamroller, through a knife factory and into the sun. That's why you've got the cast
Bella: Who told you this?
Renee: Edward and his father
Bella: And you believed them?
Renee: Of course
Bella:....God help me if I'm ever actually beaten up by a boyfriend
Renee: Don't worry honey, I'm sure he'll be cute anyway. Now if you'll excuse me, I can't stand to have more than a two-minute conversation with you *leaves*
Bella: Edward, what happened?
Edward: James is dead, Victoria ran off, and Emmett has begun a one-woman show called "Fangs for the memories"
Bella: So I guess everything turned out fine
Edward: You need to go to Jacksonville with your neglecting mother and her husband that you barely know at all. You're safe with them
Bella: No, I'm safest with you. What if I need venom sucked out? What if I need to climb a tree really quickly? How will I get to sleep if I'm not being watched by someone who wants to kill me?
Edward: Good point. I'll stay
***
*Swan house*
Charlie:...
Edward:...
Charlie:...
Edward: New moustache?
Charlie: No, I've always had it. New terrible personality?
Edward: No, I've always had it
Bella: *Comes downstairs* Alice gave me the dress
Charlie: And Edward gave you the broken leg
Bella: Dad, please...
Charlie: Well, I guess there are worse things he could give you on prom night
Edward: On that fatherly note, off we go
***
*Prom*
Edward: Be right back. I need to limp around the car park a little so I can park in the handicap spot *limps away*
Jacob: Hey Bella. Remember me? We used to make mud pies, and then my father and I would scare away your boyfriend
Bella: Hi. You crashing the prom? Spiking the punch? Pretending to be Jessica's long-lost cousin?
Jacob: All three. But first my dad wants to give you some advice; break up with your boyfriend
Bella: That all?
Jacob: Cut your hair, you look like a girl. No wait, that was for me. He said "We'll be watching you"
Bella: I'm used to that sort of thing
Edward: Good news, Bella. We can park in the spot, but I told them you had Alzheimer's. Try to dribble some food down your front during dinner
Jacob: Hello Edward
Edward: Hello Jacob. If you'll excuse us, my girlfriend and I are off to make some mud pies
Bella: You should be nicer to him
Edward: *Cough* Werewolf *cough*
Bella: Wear wolf? No, I'd never wear wolf, I'm very anti-fur. I wouldn't wear wolf, fox, seal or even trap-door spider. And not just because the jackets would be so ridiculously small
Edward: Of course
*Edward and Bella enter the prom*
Bella: Fun, excitement, happy people. This is worse than I imagined
Edward: Prom is an important rite of passage: you need to experience it. For the same reason, I plan on you ending the night with vomit in your hair and a broken shoe
*Gazebo*
Edward: Dance?
Bella: No, Bella
Edward: This is one of those rites of passage *holds Bella close*
Bella: Is that a fun-size Twix in your pocket, or are you just having a great time?
Edward: For the benefit of our long-term relationship, let's say it's a Twix
Bella: Enough to share?
Edward: Bella, you know we can't
Bella: I know, that's why I'm ready for you to change me
Edward: Sorry, I didn't bring any diapers or talcum powder
Bella: I mean change me to be like you
Edward: You'll need an operation, some hormone treatment and a lot of hair mousse
Bella: You know what I mean
Edward: A vampire
Bella: Oh, I thought we'd settled on leprechaun
Edward: Is it not enough to just have a long and happy life with me?
Bella: I'd prefer a long and happy life with you, with a vicious lust for human blood
Edward: It's not as romantic as it sounds
*They kiss*
Bella narrating: No one will surrender tonight. But I won't give in. I know what I want
Victoria: And I know what I want, Mr Cullen. Soon I'll know whether your little fun-size Twix girl melts in my pocket or in my mouth. I like to call it revenge. Google it!
THE END
Author's Note: Well that's all for Project H:Twilight, but due to the positive response I will highly consider doing a parody of New Moon after I complete Half-Blood Prince. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the story, this has far and away been the most popular fanfic I've done. And thank you to AzureFalls for suggesting I upload in chapters instead of all at once. That proved to be a much better way of doing it.
See you for Project H and the Half-Blood Prince.