Edwards Journal

I was terrified when I woke up as a vampire. I had been in so much pain that had seemed to of lasted for what felt like an eternity. Everything was different; it was new and vibrant. It was like I had finally woken up from a dream and I was for the first time experiencing life as it was meant to physically pain me to try to take it all in. and then in the next second in noticed this unbearable burning in the back of my throat. And the vibrancy faded and I was left with a torturous existence.

Esme. I hated her, who was she to come into my life and try to take my sire away from me? Carlisle should have left her broken and bleeding. She hadn't wanted to live. She had deserved to die. All I know is this, I have to leave.

I had come to realize that I had made a mistake. I had transferred my feelings for my lover onto Carlisle. I remember now, how could I have forgotten Hadrian? And because of that I have been living as a monster. I am disgusted by myself. I rebelled against Carlisle's teaching that we must never drink from a human. I had thought that I would be okay if I only drank from the scum that inhabited the streets in which I lived but even then… I can still hear their screaming.

Carlisle changed a girl named Rosalie. He told me that he had changed her because had had thought that we would make the perfect mates. I needed to tell him that I had already found and lost my mate all when I had been human. I didn't know how to tell Carlisle this. I didn't want my sire to be disappointed with me. Yet I knew that I could not keep my secret for much longer, but I felt in my heart that I had too.

It was nice to have seen Rosalie so happy. Emmett is her true mate and I could not be happier for her. I wish them all the happiness in the world, but at the same time I cannot help but wish that I still had Hadrian. I miss him so much. I don't know why but for some reason I feel that Hadrian was not a human but a vampire like I am now. I wish with all my heart that this is the truth. Deep down I know that it is true all I have to do now is wait for him to find me.

Jasper, I cannot believe that I forgot about him. He and his mate Alice found our coven today. Jasper looked just dumbfounded to see me. I guess that he should have been because I should have been old or even dead. I never thought that I would see him again. I guess that this proves that Hadrian had been a vampire and that all my longing and wishing had not been for nothing. I have a new sense of hope that I have not had for a long time.

He is dead. Hadrian my love is dead. He died on the same day that my new life began. I do not know if my heart can take it. Carlisle keeps asking questions and I do not know how to respond. Neither I nor Jasper has told him anything of our past lives and I feel guilty about it but I feel that there is nothing that I can do about it now. I want to be selfish Hadrian will remain mine and mine alone.

I meet a girl named Isabella Swan today. I do not quite know what to make of her. She is a rather plain girl but her sent is one of the most intoxicating things that I have ever smelled. I instantly hated her. Who was she to enrapture me within her intricate web of lies?

Maybe, maybe I should just end it all. Tomorrow is the anniversary of Hadrian's death. A few years ago Jasper and I built a shrine for Hadrian in a little meadow that I frequent often. I do not think that I can keep going on with the farce I call my existence. I am so tired and all I want is to be within Hadrian's arms again. I just cannot do this anymore. I know that Jasper can feel my despair and recently my total apathy towards anything. He keeps giving me these pitying looks; I don't want his or anyone's pity.