Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.

I heard this song yesterday and I remembered how much I loved this song. Coldplay ... I love them and their body of work. Anyway, all day I heard this song play inside my head. And so when my daughter woke up two hours ago and then I had trouble falling back asleep ... this song still played on and on in my head, so I figured I would do something about it.

This is what came out. A one-shot (now a two-shot). Enjoy.

Lovers in Japan

Lyrics for "Lovers in Japan" from Coldplay:

Lovers, keep on the road you're on
Runners, until the race is run
Soldiers, you've got to soldier on
Sometimes even right is wrong

They are turning my head out
To see what I'm all about
Keeping my head down
To see what it feels like now
But I have no doubt
One day, we are gonna get out

Tonight maybe we're gonna run
Dreaming of the Osaka sun
Ohh ohh...
Dreaming of when the morning comes

They are turning my head out
To see what I'm all about
Keeping my head down
To see what it feels like now
But I have no doubt
One day the sun will come out

Lovers in Japan - Part 1 of 2

Beth's alive.

It's all I can think about, well that, and the idea of alternative universes. You know the idea, the concept – or maybe you don't – and here's the thing, maybe we don't believe in those ideas – these illusions of grandeur – until we 'see' one for our own eyes, or feel it, or somehow come to live it … or dream it like I did tonight.

All day, there was this – different plane – lurking around each corner, this idea of peacefully coexisting with Derek while 'he's with Rose'. The mantra … never worked, which I suppose was the point. It never worked because he never really was 'with' Rose. Not in the way he was with me … for Derek – being 'with' Rose – was just an alternative universe.

A way to be without me, a way to move on, a way to live and survive on that other plane of existence … without me, even though there always was this legendary universe – that perhaps we had both seen once or twice before – this legendary universe in which we lived together, happily committed amongst some kind of beautiful, billowy candle light.

Lights that illuminated our faces and made us real to one another like nothing else – except for maybe his hands on me or his lips pressed evenly on my flesh or his cock submersed within our perfect fit and alignment or his beautiful face during the rise and fall of orgasmic bliss – those lights that reminded me why and how I 'came' to fall in love with Derek Shepherd in the first place.

Filtered light with movement that made each facet of his blue eyes sparkle, even that deep, secretive sadness – the' him' he revealed only to me – yes, those were the lights I had come to dream about and cherish and ache for when we weren't together.

Beth's alive.

I turned onto the main road, passing the small town I entered a little bit ago with a second blink of the eye in less than an hour – a couple of hundred idiotic hurricane lantern thingys clinked against one another in the back of my truck, taunting me, probably breaking into millions of shards of glass with each passing mile – hundreds of them made up this 'vision' along with the boxes and boxes and boxes of matches that sat on the passenger seat next to me.

I don't know what I was thinking – oh yeah, I do, I do – Beth's alive. She's alive. Beth's alive.

Eyes open alive.

Heart beating alive.

Relieved parents alive.

Beth's alive.

Jeremy… is dead – Beth's first lover in the truest sense of the term – and he's dead. Sweet and young and full of hopeful optimism, Jeremy is dead. Dead-dead – no happy ending dead – young and dead and not coming back.

So dead, he's not coming back. So dead, he's changed ... forever.

But I did. I was dead-dead once. So dead, but I came back.

And so, I asked myself all day today …what am I?

Dead on the inside?

Or alive?

What do I want to be?

Dead or alive?

And so I dared myself to answer this question as I sat across from Beth, her head bandaged, her eyes closed – if Beth opened her eyes, I would know my answer, it would come to me, I told myself, I dared myself to answer the fucking question – because there was this small (minute) glimmer of hope, a small slice, so small no one besides me would have ever known it was there … so dared myself to put stock in this small, yet stunning turn of events in my life.

For Meredith Grey had hope and that had to mean something to me … didn't it?

And so I sat there and dared Beth to open her eyes – dared her to challenge me so I could act on this small newfound glimmer of hope – in name of what, declaring myself alive, finally … alive?

Hours later it seemed Beth took that dare and she opened her beautiful, sad, but wonderfully dark eyes and my heart skipped a beat – a full beat, I was jump-started, paddles and all – and a rush of new life encapsulated me and I let myself believe in the small glimmer of hope that somehow found me and asked me to cherish it … or keep it … or own it … or simply live it!

Without thinking I went stark-raving mad, the complete rush of new life and what I wanted out of it zoomed in and out of my head – the visualization of the future – that alternative universe filled my mind where I was already alive and happy and hopeful and sated – and it was a beautiful dream – one filled with those delicate bouncing candle lights and Derek's happy dancing eyes and his warm embrace, the one I so easily fell into – the only embrace I ever trusted, the only one I let myself fall in love with … he was the only man I ever loved … the only one – like I said, it was a beautiful dream.

Or was it?

So I set out to find that champagne bottle, looking everywhere, a complete wreck when it didn't turn up – because I had hope and there was that beautiful alternative universe – somewhere far, far away … like Singapore or Bora-Bora or … Japan … somewhere where Derek and I were already living in that dream-house on that cliff, a universe in which we were already … home – swaying and kissing amongst those billowing, bouncing candle lights – his warm embrace, everywhere, covering me, cloaking me … keeping me safe and warm in that cool, dry place.

Yeah, in some other place, in some other world we were already together and happy … his dancing blue eyes told me so. They told me the sadness could end; they told me he still believed in true love and soul mates – they told me I hadn't changed who he was – his eyes told me that the distance between us could be closed … forevermore.

Because I had hope and I had to act on it. And because, somewhere inside that beautiful alternative universe, I had hope that we would come to live this dream to fruition.

Because Beth was alive – she was alive – living and breathing and smiling … alive-alive.

I smiled now as I turned and crossed over Derek's property line – was this trespassing I wondered for a half a second – not really caring if it was though because after all, somewhere along the line – I would come to live on this land – I would come to cultivate it and eventually call it my own because of this small new glimmer of hope and the dream of the alternative universe.

I wanted roots … I wanted seeds … I wanted children.

My heart gave out … truly, madly, deeply on those thoughts. Because even if I didn't trust Derek right at this moment – precisely right now – and even if Rose was his woman … this land was where I truly belonged … it was my homestead. It was where I first came to terms with my love for Derek – it was where I left and buried my savior – my Doc, my trusted friend, I left him here … see, another small piece of me already resided here.

I drove down the makeshift pathway, my dull headlights illuminating just enough of the land in front of me, remembering now that day all those months ago when Derek and I took a walk together and stopped along this breathtaking clearing. He said no words that day about a house on the cliff – no, no … that didn't come until much later, when he dared me … silently asking me if I was alive inside – alive enough to commit, alive enough to care about us. And the answer (at the time) was 'no' – because there was no hope, no hope for trust, no hope for love – no …there was nothing between us but broken trust and love … no chance for the extraordinary.

No chance for someone like Beth to survive. Back then.

There was only a void. No alternative universe. No Japan.

I stopped along the clearing, turned the ignition off and closed my eyes – the visualization filtered into my mind's eye again – I wasn't builder, but I could do this – I was the maker and the architect of the glimmer of hope after all – so I knew I could somehow make this wild dream of dancing candle lights become my reality … and his.

Leaving my headlights on, I grabbed the matches and slipped from the warm enclave of my truck and into the harsh, cold and damp air of the night I would come to make the dream my own … because Beth was alive and there was that alternative universe out there just waiting to collide with the here and now.

I heaved a sigh and opened the back of the truck – the frigid air burned my throat and esophagus and lungs – and I let it be, I didn't fight it. I wanted to feel the burn; because feeling the burn meant that it meant something – that it was my reality – here on this cliff in the middle of the night with these fucking idiotic hurricane lantern thingys staring back at me like another dare.

And so I did what had to be done – I struck a match, the smoke twirled in the air, the burn of the wood plumed into my face, the fire illuminated my spirit and ignited my core – and there inside that private moment – just outside the alternative universe, I lit one candle and another and another and another … and I closed my eyes and mapped the candle-print-house in my head and rested each fragile glass lantern on the frozen earth … one by one by one, carrying two by two, double-fisted, frigid hands, numb from all the work … back and forth to my truck I came and went.

Light.

Carry.

Rest.

Light.

Carry.

Rest.

Light.

Carry.

Rest.

Until the 'house' started to take shape … except by then the 'old me' showed up, the one without so much hope, the one who couldn't commit … to love … or to trust … or ... to Derek.

Hours passed visualizations waned and my imagination got the better of me. Yes, Beth was alive and so was I – and so was the literal flicker dream – but the renewed hope began to fade as time went on and Derek did not materialize as he had in the vision – the one far, far away in that stunning moment, in that beautiful alternative universe – the one in which were already together …and happy … and surrounded by flickering and smoldering candle lights.

Wasn't he the one who said he would always show up?

I stood back and surveyed my handiwork and began to pace inside the delicate candle-print-house of my own creation.

This was it – this 'was' the alternative universe – this 'was' Japan, my heart trembled. I did it. I let my wet eyes sweep over the lanterns now, praying to no specific God – to please let the winds die down, to please let the candles survive, to please let the dream of Derek's eyes dancing with the flames come to life – because I finally had hope and Beth was alive … living and breathing and smiling alive and it was an extraordinary thing!

I swallowed hard and began to pace in earnest – chastising myself now – I pulled my PDA from my pocket, my resolve weakening with each passing tick of the clock. I could just call Derek – 'that stupid, idiotic, brain man' – no, no, no … I needed someone to tell me this was okay, that this was alright and that I would be alright – if the hope thing didn't work out, if the alternative universe thing was just an elaborate rouse – I sighed with frustration … 'I could be home right now', safe and warm and home and curled up with a bottle of tequila.

My hope was dwindling fast. I was cold. My lungs hurt. He was supposed to show up. He was supposed to be here and now, I needed some kind of reality check – I needed a sign that I had indeed arrived on the plane of that beautiful alternative universe, somewhere far, far off in the distance where with those flickering candle lights lived on in perpetuity just like the essence of Derek's warm embrace – I needed a sign. I … needed … Derek.

And then just like that, I heard my name roll off of his tongue and I looked up to find him.

"Meredith," he said into the wind.

And even though all I could do was rant and ramble nervously as he moved closer and closer to me still – his hands firmly around that champagne bottle – holding onto it now for dear life, just as I would have ... I was captivated, deep inside … I was processing his movement, watching the candle lights play against this amused eyes.

Yes, I was willingly held captive – a prisoner of my own making inside our stunning alternative universe – completely awestruck by those beautiful, sad flecks of happiness in his eyes that mingled now with his wonderment of me and all that I had become.

I watched his heart strings stretch as I pulled and pulled and pulled on them with all my might, silently sparring with him, drawing him near, I said without words – 'you know this place, this is our place, yours and mine … the one we secretly live upon' – and he answered me, also without words … 'I know, I know this place, I love this place.'

And just like that … his lips touched mine, heart muscle beating to heart muscle, nerves massaging nerves, the world in which we lived fell away… and yes, just like that we had arrived inside our legendary alternative universe – the one we had both dreamed of – and it became our reality and we were finally … 'home'.

Because Beth was alive.

And because I had hope.

Lovers in Japan - Part 2 of 2 to follow.