Premier Noël

By: ioanhoratio

A/N: Yep, it's another Christmas story but I tried to make this one a little different. I have been working on this a little bit at a time for the past two weeks. I really wanted to get it posted before Christmas…and yeah! (I did it!!!) Here's the thing though, I have officially been a wake for over 32 hours (thanks to a raging Sinus infection and to a 16 month old with a raging Sinus infection) so I used my time as I wasn't sleeping to finish this story; sickness, pills, sleeping child in lap, delirium…I am really sorry if this is crap!!! I wanted it turn out well but I really have no idea at this point. I hope it doesn't prove to be an insult to the reader because it is terrible or a waste of time. (My author's note is about to exceed the actually story so I better sign off!) Thanks to everyone willing to stick with the story after such an encouraging A/N! LOL!

Lindsay Messer rubbed her tired eyes for what felt like the millionth time. She was beyond exhausted and couldn't remember what being well rested felt like. Her baby daughter was teething and the pain of her tiny tooth cutting through her sensitive gums kept her crying and fussing most of the night. It also meant a runny nose and drool city so Lucy was pretty miserable most of the time. The Baby Tylenol only did so much to help and frozen chew rings dulled the pain temporarily but getting the baby into a deep sleep was almost impossible. Danny and Lindsay did their best to swap off but Danny was called in late last night to a scene and still hadn't made it home by the time Lindsay left for work herself so she had pulled an all-nighter with the sick baby and now found herself staring at a dead body through blurry, blood-shot eyes.

She gave her head a little shake and pulled up the camera to her eye and quickly snapped the photos of the poor man who lay in a pool of his own blood; his prone body reaching out for help that never came.

"I would say he bled out from the stab wound he sustained here," Dr. Sheldon Hawkes commented as he pointed to the obvious bloody wound on the back of the victim, "although we'll have to wait for Sid's diagnosis to confirm."

Lindsay nodded her head in understanding and resumed photographically documenting the body and crime scene.

"You alright Lindsay?" Hawkes asked concerned.

"Yeah," she answered him quietly, "just didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Lucy's teething, and bless her heart, when she's suffering we all suffer."

Hawkes chuckled at the young mother's statement, "Sounds like Lucy knows how to keep Mommy and Daddy on their toes."

Lindsay smirked but chose not to comment further. Her weary mind wasn't up to any witty banter and she really wanted to get out of the cold air and back to the warm lab as quickly as possible so she again focused on her work.

"You said there was no wallet right?" she asked Hawkes.

"Right. So a robbery gone bad?" Hawkes suggested.

"Yeah," Lindsay agreed, "and no id on him?"

"None," Hawkes answered, "we just have to hope he's in the system or that some one has filed a missing persons."

"Or," Don Flack added as he walked up, "as soon as you guys get me a useable photo we canvas the area and ask if anyone knows 'em."

"I hope we can figure out who he is. It's almost Christmas. Who wants to be shoved in a drawer and forgotten at Christmas?" Lindsay whispered as she gazed at the body. There was so much blood on his back. Lindsay realized her two comrades were staring at her, "Did I say that out loud?"

Don nodded at her.

"Sorry guys. I must be more tired than I thought," Lindsay admitted. She knew that the two boys were fighting the instinct to tease her but it was clear by the looks on their faces that they were also concerned for her. She gave them a smile and rolled her eyes indicating she knew how silly she sounded.

Don knew the effect of a sleepless night and ignoring Lindsay's comment he told them, "The lady who found the body said she was headed to work and needed to take a short cut to avoid bein' late so she ran down the alley only to come across our John Doe face down. She assumed he was dead because of all the blood and said she couldn't see that he was breathin' so she didn't touch the body."

"The cold weather makes it difficult to estimate time of death right now but based on lividity I would estimate he's been dead at least 4-5 hours," Hawkes observed.

"I've got a few shoe prints over here," Lindsay called to them as she snapped shots of the prints in the dirty snow, "I would defiantly say they are male based on the size and width of the print."

"Could they belong to the vic?" Don asked.

"I wouldn't say so. These prints have a distinct criss-cross tred while our vic's shoes are worn and smooth on the bottom," Lindsay pointed out then asked, "You think our lady is telling the truth?"

"Yeah, I got the 'what a crappy morning to find a dead body' vibe from 'er but I'll send a couple of Uniforms to confirm her alibi," Don informed her.

Soon the M.E.'s office picked up the body, and Lindsay and Hawkes wrapped up their investigation of the scene.

Once they had arrived at the lab and unloaded their evidence Lindsay turned to Hawkes, "I'm gonna grab a coffee. Do you want one?"

"Nah, but you go ahead while I get started on this," Hawkes said plugging the camera up to the computer to pull off the photos.

"Thanks, be back in just a second," Lindsay promised then made her way towards the break room for a little caffeine boost but was stopped by a whistle she knew all too well.

"Hey babe," she threw over her shoulder to her husband, "where you headed?"

Danny caught up to his wife after a few jogging steps and then slowed to match her gait, "I'm headed to the a/v lab. Adam thinks he might've gotten us a plate number off some footage of our perp's car, then I'm headin' home for some sleep."

Lindsay just snorted.

"Or not," Danny said resignedly, "I take it Luce ain't feelin' any better."

"Well there was the stretch where she slept for an entire hour, so I think that is an improvement," Lindsay said, "I can't imagine her being in a bright sunshiny mood today. I already warned Paige she was going to have one cranky baby on her hands, but I also asked her if she would be willing to stay a couple of hours and watch Lucy while you grabbed a nap. So go home and sleep for a little while. You need it and I need you to sleep now so I can sleep some tonight."

"Ya know we pay Paige by the hour right?" Danny asked, hinting at their desire to save as much money as they could to help pay off their medical bills from Danny's gun shot wound.

"I know and I don't care. If it means I get at least three hours of uninterrupted sleep I will pay it," Lindsay declared, "Now I'm going to pour as much caffeine into my body as humanly possible so give me a kiss, finish with Adam, and then go home and rest."

Danny smirked at his wife. When she was tired she got really bossy and he thought it was hilarious, but he was also smart enough not to argue. He saw the dark circles under her eyes and the way she was dragging her feet. He knew how tired she was and knew the best way to help was to just agree with her request.

"Yes ma'am," he answered dutifully then leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on the lips, "Good mornin' and goodbye. I'll see ya tonight at home."

"Hey," Lindsay called out to his retreating form, "How's the back feeling today?"

Danny turned his upper body left to right and then back again and with a wink shook his booty at her.

Lindsay laughed at his ridiculousness and continued on to her destination.

"Kenneth Bamber."

"I'm sorry?" Hawkes asked confused.

"Our John Doe from this morning," Lindsay explained, "His prints were in the system for a D.U.I. three years ago. He's Kenneth Bamber, 23, married, two kids. Don is heading out to notify the wife, and then bringing her in for a positive id."

"Wow, 23 years old with a family," Hawkes commented, "What a shame."

"Yeah," Lindsay agreed, "Did you get anywhere with the trace Sid pulled off the body?"

"Fragaria ananassa," Hawkes answered, "strawberries."

"Why would he have traces of strawberries on the back of his jacket?" Lindsay wondered.

"Not a clue. Maybe the wife can help tell us."

"So all we have right now is Sid's confirmation of c.o.d.; that he bled out from a stab wound to the back and that it happened sometime between 5 and 7 a.m. and a shoe print that may or may not belong to our perp," Lindsay summed up.

"Actually we know one more thing," Hawkes pointed out as he tapped some keys on the keyboard in front of him, "Sid's estimation of the wound size and depth led me to believe our vic was stabbed with a screwdriver. So I grabbed a pig and tested out a few that were approximately the right size and found, what I believe to be, the murder weapon. A #2 x 6 Phillips Screwdriver Pvc."

"Ouch."

"Yeah," Hawkes continued, "According to Sid's autopsy Mr. Bamber was stabbed in the spinothalmic tract in the spinal cord which supplies pain and temperature sensation and crosses over to the opposite side of the body every few segments. He was stabbed level T6 on the left where the tract is crossing over to the right, he probably lost sensation on that entire side of the body."

"So he couldn't run away or seek help because he was partially paralyzed?" Lindsay asked the doctor distractedly.

"Exactly and my guess is no one was near enough to hear his cries for help and he bled out."

Lindsay forced her wayward mind to focus. "So we go back to the crime scene and see if we find a screw driver," she declared.

"Sounds like a plan," Hawkes agreed but was interrupted by his cell phone buzzing. He quickly pulled it out and answered with, "Dr. Hawkes."

"...Hey Flack...Oh man, yeah, I understand...alright we'll meet you down in the lobby in 15...yeah I'll tell her...alright, thanks man."

Hawkes put his phone back in his pocket and turned to Lindsay. "Flack is on his way back, but it seems like Mrs. Bamber doesn't have anyone who could watch her kids so they had to bring them along. Flack is hoping you and I can help out with them while the she id's the body."

Lindsay nodded in understanding but suddenly felt panicked and uncertain. She shook her head to clear away the unexpected thoughts and swallowed her emotions. She followed Hawkes to the elevator and began the wait for the young family's arrival.

Lindsay opened the door to her apartment and sighed. She was happy to be home with her family. She heard sounds coming from the kitchen and headed in that direction calling out, "I'm home."

"Mommy's home!" she heard her husband declare, "Hurry Luce let's go get Mommy!"

A moment later Lindsay saw her daughter, gripping tightly to Danny's fingers, toddler her way around the corner. Lucy's excitement at seeing her mother caused her to let go of one of Danny's hands and she lost what little balance she had on her pudgy legs. Danny saved her from landing on her diapered bottom by scooping her up.

"Hey babe," He greeted his wife with a kiss before Lucy jumped from Danny to Lindsay.

"Hello baby girl," Lindsay smiled at her daughter and hugging her tightly swayed back and forth, "Oh I missed you so much today." Lucy buried her face in Lindsay's neck and giggled wildly as Lindsay swung her around.

"An' check it out," Danny said excitedly as he gently gripped Lucy's head and pulled down her lip.

"That tooth finally broke through!" Lindsay giddily declared as she saw the bit of white peeking out from Lucy's bottom gum, "Oh baby I hope you are feeling a little bit better."

Lucy fussed at her parents for holding her head and poking at her mouth, and was soon wiggling to get down. Lindsay set her on the floor and watched as Lucy, gripping tightly to the couch, shimmied her way over to the toy basket.

"Hopefully, since that tooth has worked its way out some, the medicine will help her more and she can sleep a little easier," Danny added.

"She does seem to be feeling better, although Danny, why is our daughter in only a diaper?" Lindsay asked.

"She peed through her other diaper and drooled all over her shirt. It was so close to dinner time I just didn't bother dressin' her again since she's just gonna make a mess and then it's bath time anyway," Danny said with a shrugged.

Lindsay couldn't help the chuckle that emerged. At Danny's questioning look Lindsay explained, "We've gotten a lot more lacks than when she was first born huh?"

Danny smirked, "Yeah, 'member how when we first brought her home we wouldn't let anyone hold 'er unless they washed their hands or used that anti-bacterial stuff?"

"Now we let her run around in nothing but a diaper in the middle of December," Lindsay lamented teasingly.

Danny grinned at her, "She'll survive."

"Yeah, speaking of surviving did you get any sleep today?"

"About four hours," Danny answered, "I almost've got dinner ready if you wanna just play with her or if you want a minute to relax I'll take her back in the kitchen and she and I will finish our conversation on what to buy you for Christmas."

"Well as anxious as I am to know what you are getting me for Christmas I would rather play with her," Lindsay answered easily as she crossed the room to where Lucy sat playing with a set of plastic rings. Danny returned to the kitchen and Lindsay could hear him singing quietly the words of "Let It Snow" as he moved around fixing dinner. She smiled at her daughter and thanked her for the blue ring Lucy handed her. She spun it on the floor, causing Lucy to clap happily, and Lindsay finally felt some of the tension of the day leaver her body.

Lindsay's thoughts turned to the young mother Flack had brought to the lab that day and her two children. Mrs. Bamber had quietly sobbed on Lindsay's shoulder for a few moments, but her responsibility to her children led her to gather her strength and focus on what she needed to do to provide for her family. Lindsay's heart had melted as the baby boy she had held smiled at her; not knowing his father laid dead a few levels from them. She had warmed to the little girl who, at around three, swung her legs back and forth as she waited for her mother to come back, a look of worry clear on her small face.

Lindsay felt a weary sadness begin to creep back into her body and she quickly focused her attention on her own little baby. She needed to be happy; she couldn't afford to bring that ugliness home with her. She swallowed the lump that had begun to form in her throat at the thought of that family's loss, and instead focused on being grateful for the gifts she had.

Lucy crawled all over her and babbled gleefully as they played and soon Danny poked his head out of the kitchen to let her know dinner was ready.

"You want to eat baby girl?" Lindsay asked Lucy and was rewarded with a slobbery, "eh."

"Let's go see what Daddy made."

Soon dinner was done, Lucy was bathed, rocked and coddled, then put to bed. Lindsay showered, dressed in a comfortable pair of sweat pants and one of Danny's tee shirts, and then made her way to the living room where Danny sat watching the news.

She curled up on the couch next to her husband and snuggled into his side. Danny wrapped an arm around her and asked, "So, you gonna tell me what's botherin' you?"

Lindsay lifted her head to look at him with a confused look, "What do you mean?"

"Well, you have your sad eyes on, you're all touchy tonight--you kept touchin' my hand and arm durin' dinner, you held onto Lucy quite a while after she fell asleep, now we're cuddlin' on the couch--and your wearin' one of my shirts," Danny pointed out, "Hard case?"

Lindsay was too tired to try and pretend to not know what he was talking about. She rested her head against his shoulder a mumbled, "No harder than most. I think I'm just so tired that everything seems more emotional than normal. This guy was killed, a robbery gone bad, and I talked to his widow today. They were pretty young, you know, early twenties but already had two kids, broke, struggling to make ends meet. The wife told me today that all he would have had on him was the $20 in cash that he was going to use to buy some stocking stuffers for their kids from a dollar store. We found trace of strawberries on his back and it turns out it was because his daughter had given him a hug goodbye the night previous while she was eating them for dinner. That was the last time she would ever see her father alive."

Danny gently ran his hand up and down her arm in comfort as Lindsay continued softer, "It's just sad that Christmas will forever mark their daddy's death and that now there is one more family torn apart by violence."

Danny trusted in Lindsay's understanding of their job and that she knew how important it was to not become buried under the realities they dealt with daily, but he also knew that right now she needed her best friend and lover to help her deal with the harshness of the world. He clicked off the T.V. making it so the only light in the room was coming from the Christmas tree in the corner. He adjusted his body so he could pull his legs up onto the couch and Lindsay wedged herself between Danny's warm body and the comfortable cushions; one leg draped over his and her head against his chest. Danny slowly ran his fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp in the way she loved and soon Lindsay could no longer fight the pull of sleep, and feeling safe she closed her eyes in peace.

It was wrong. It was horrible. She couldn't help the terror that coursed through her body. Her hands were cover with blood; she had to get away. She had to get help. She couldn't lose him.

Lindsay's body jerked upward as her mind brought her to consciousness.

"What? Wuz wrong?" Danny mumbled sleepily as he squinted his eyes at Lindsay.

Lindsay took a deep, calming breath as she tried to remember what she was had been dreaming about, but the images were fading fast, and ignoring his question answered instead, "We fell asleep on the couch," and straining her eyes to see the digital read-out on Danny's cell phone added, "It's 12:45. Lucy's Tylenol will probably be wearing out pretty soon so let's go to bed while we can."

Receiving no argument from her husband, the sleepy pair turned off the Christmas lights and stumbled to bed.

"So if Mr. Bamber was heading from work to the dollar store, and if the shoe prints you found belong to our perp, we can assume that our killer walked passed our vic, then turned and stabbed him in the back," Hawkes stipulated as he walked down the alley where the body had been found.

Lindsay let out a breath of air as she watched Hawkes, "There were no defensive wounds on the vic so he probably didn't even seeing it coming."

"O.K. so let's follow the foot prints," Hawkes suggested. Lindsay nodded and soon they were making their way slowly down the alley; taking care to keep their eyes open for the possible murder weapon.

Lindsay enjoyed the crunch of the snow beneath her feet, but the extra inch they had gotten the night before made it a little more difficult to search the scene. She fisted and un-fisted her fingers as she tried to keep the blood flowing and her hands warm. She tried not to imagine how it would feel to be laying face down in the snow and unable to move for help as your life bleed out around you.

They reached the end of the alley way, Hawkes turned left and Lindsay right. They continued to focus on the ground and pot holes, and Lindsay began to accept that the murder weapon wasn't left anywhere near the scene.

"Linds!" Hawkes called out, "Take a look at this."

Lindsay turned and back-tracked to where Hawkes was waiting. He pointed down to a stairwell where she could see a bloody screwdriver poking out from under some garbage.

"Boom."

She was crouched down on the ground, wanting to scream for help but knew it was too late. She had failed and now she was alone, lost, frightened. Suddenly the body she had been gripping disappeared and she was left with nothing.

"Lindsay," a voice called out to her, "Come on baby, wake up a'right. Come on Lindsay. Wake up!"

Lindsay's eyes flew open and found Danny's staring back at her. She flinched back involuntarily at his nearness and asked breathlessly, "What? What's going on?"

"What's going on?" Danny asked incredulously, blinking his eyes to adjust to the light he had turned on, "What's goin' on is that you were cryin' your eyes out a minute ago."

"What?" Lindsay questioned, confused herself, she reached up and felt her wet cheeks and realized her heart was racing, "oh."

"Oh?" Danny demanded, "I had to shake you to wake you, you were cryin' so hard. Are you having nightmares again?"

Lindsay tried to focus on what her dreams had brought her but it seemed the harder she tried to remember the quicker the images faded.

"I...I don't know. I c...can't really remember," Lindsay stammered around the lump in her throat.

Danny sighed at the vulnerability he heard in her voice, "Hey, you a'right?"

Lindsay pushed him down so he was lying on his back and immediately snuggled her body as tightly as she could against his. He immediately responded by pulling the blanket up over them and cocooning her with his arms. They lay there silent until Danny whispered, "Linds?"

When the only response he received was the sound of her steady breathing, Danny realized she had fall back to sleep. His tired body pleaded for sleep as well, but his mind had begun going in a thousand different directions; yet all of those thoughts led back to one thing, Lindsay. The last few days she had been distracted and moody. He knew she was disappointed that none of her family could come visit for the holidays but he didn't think that was the cause of her troubles. She had told him about the case she and Hawkes had been working. It seemed pretty cut and dry at this point. They had found the murder weapon and pulled DNA and fingerprints of it. The hit in CODIS had led them to a low life thug who had a history of possession and domestic abuse. It was up to Flack and his crew to track the guy down and bring him in. He knew she was tired but that had become a permanent part of their lives. He gently pushed Lindsay back slightly so he could look down at her face. She seemed content at the moment.

"What's goin' on in your head?" Danny asked her in a hushed voice. He tucked her back against his body and reached out to turn off the lamp.

"Yo, Mrs. Messer," Don Flack called out, "you goin' in with me?"

Lindsay turned and waited for Flack to catch up to her, "Seems that way. Hawkes is being held up in court today so it's just you and me."

Don smiled at her. "A'right. You ready to question this scum bag?"

"Lead the way," she instructed and followed him into one of the interrogation rooms.

"Bruce Kmetco?" Don began as he and Lindsay sat themselves down across from the alleged killer. They were greeted with barely more than a nod as blood shot eyes moved around the room.

"A man of few words," Don observed, "Well don't worry Mr. Kmetco we have plenty of words for you. How about 'murder' and 'life in jail,' do you like any of those words?"

Bruce tightened his grip on the sleeves of his jacket and mumble, "I don't know what you're talkin' about man."

"Oh, well, in that case, why don't you explain it to 'im Detective Monroe," Don suggested.

Lindsay leaned forward and began pulling out the photos of the vic from the crime scene and laid them out on the table. She watched Bruce roll his eyes and felt her irritation grow and with a bit more satisfaction than was called for Lindsay explained, "This is the man you killed Mr. Kmetco."

With a huff he pushed the photos away. Lindsay ignored him and continued, "You see we found the screw driver you used to stab him. It was cover with his blood and with your fingerprints. Can you explain that?"

"Somebody stole it from me," Bruce told them with a shrug.

Lindsay smirked, "That's unlikely since your prints are the most recent. Can we see your shoes?"

His head shot up, "What?"

"Your shoes moron," Don insisted, "give the lady your shoes."

Bruce fidgeted in his seat; his body's response to drug abuse. He began chewing on the skin near his thumb nail before he finally said, "Nah man, no way. I wanna lawyer. I ain't given you nothin'."

Don shook his head but agreed, "A'right Kmetco. You wanna do this the hard way, we'll do this the hard way. We'll getchya a lawyer and as an added bonus, a warrant for your shoes."

Lindsay couldn't let it be, her frustration had blossomed into anger. She looked at Bruce and asked, "Why'd you do it?"

"Linds," Don warned, "He asked for a lawyer. We can't ask'em anymore questions 'til that happens."

Lindsay ignored his words, "Come on Bruce. Why'd you do it? Why did you stab this man? Was it for money? Where you disappointed when you figured out all he had was $20? Is that why you left him there to die?"

Lindsay's voice had risen and before she knew it she was standing and leaning toward the perp, "You killed a man. You left him in the cold to slowly bleed to death and I'm going to prove you did it you son of a bitch."

"Monroe!" Don barked as he pulled Lindsay back from the table and shuffled her out the door.

Lindsay pushed away from him and lost her grip on the file that contained the photos. The pictures slid across the floor in every direction.

"Damn it," Lindsay snapped as she bent and frantically scooped up the mess.

Don crouched down next to her and placed a hand on her arm. "Lindsay calm down," he instructed quietly then added, "You're not the Messer who I expect to act irrational."

Lindsay allowed a small, derisive smile at his joke. However, she was subdued as she accepted the photographs Don had picked up for her.

"I'm sorry Don," she confessed softly. She closed her eyes in embarrassment. She knew she had acted unprofessionally and that was a risk to their case.

"No sweat," Don told her easily, "We've all been there."

Lindsay accepted his kindness with a nod, "Let me know when you get the warrant for the shoes."

She didn't wait for an answer. She turned and wearily made her way back to the lab.

"Yes sir," Mac spoke into his phone, "I understand…I assure you I will handle it…I don't know….Sir I will take care of it. She is a good detective who made a bad choice. Again, I understand….Thank you."

Mac hung his phone up with more force that was necessary and pushed his chair out. He knew Lindsay was in the lab. His search took him to the break room where he found her staring into the refrigerator. He watched her for a moment, thinking on the last few days. His young Montanan CSI had seemed distant and distracted. He had shrugged it off as being over-extended between work and home life. What he had heard today and what he saw in her slumped shoulders told him he needed to pay closer attention. He was not looking forward to the conversation they were about to have. Mac cared about her and wanted to help her deal with whatever was causing her distress but he had to be her boss first, then her friend. He pulled open the door and said her name but was interrupted.

"Yo Mac," Danny called out to him, "I was on my way to get ya. Sid's got something for us on the Poag autopsy."

"Danny…" Mac trailed off. He wasn't sure if he wanted to send the man away or ask him to stick around.

"Everything a'right Mac?" Danny asked in response to his Boss' hesitation and then became distracted by the tense look on his wife's face.

"Just…give me a minute Danny and then I'll join you in autopsy," Mac answered.

Danny nodded but didn't move.

"Lindsay I need to see you in my office," Mac dictated and immediately turned and walked passed Danny.

Lindsay closed the door to the fridge and keeping her head down also walked passed Danny. He wasn't going to let her go though. He barred her way with his arm and asked in a whisper, "What's goin' on?"

Lindsay continued to avoid his gaze and stepping away from him said simply, "Later."

Danny didn't feel very happy about that answer. He hated that look on her face and wanted to know what was going on. The thought of having to wait until lunch or until they were home did not settle well, but as he watched his wife walk away, he knew from past experience he was going to have to wait until she was ready to talk to him. Danny began making his way to autopsy—very slowly.

"What were you thinking Lindsay?" Mac demanded angrily, "The D.A. is furious and informed me so very loudly. We've got a suspect screaming cop abuse and rights violation. His lawyer is already claiming mistreatment. He could walk for this."

Lindsay hung her head and stared at her shoes.

"Talk to me Lindsay," Mac said forcefully, "This isn't like you."

"I'm sorry Mac," Lindsay told him raising her head, "I don't know what came over me."

"That's not good enough Lindsay," Mac shot back, "You have to give me something more."

"I don't have anything to give you," Lindsay argued her voice rising.

"Well you better figure it out," Mac advised, his tone matching hers, "This is serious Lindsay. We are suppose to catch murders not let them go."

"I know," Lindsay snapped shouting, "You think I don't know? This guy shot a man in the back and left him to die!"

Mac's response died on his lips as he realized what she had said. He had been confused by her actions but suddenly it was becoming clearer; he began to recognize the signs.

"Shot Lindsay?" Mac asked quietly.

"Wha..." Lindsay trailed off. Mac watched as the color drained from her face and she began stammering, "Stabbed...I meant st...stabbed. The vic...he...he was stabbed not shot."

"The vic was stabbed in the back Lindsay," Mac confirmed gently then added, "Danny was shot in the back."

Lindsay's body jerked back at his words, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm beginning to think it has a lot to do with what's going on," Mac said feeling tired now that his anger was gone.

Lindsay began slowly shaking her head but Mac ignored her. He nudged her down onto his couch and sat on the desk in front of her asking, "Lindsay how long have you been think this way?"

"Mac, I'm not..."

"You are," Mac interrupted, his penetrating gaze on her, "Are you having nightmares?"

Lindsay squirmed in her seat and with desperation in her voice tried again, "Mac, I'm sorry. I made a mistake today but I really don't think I need...

Again Mac interrupted her protests but this time by standing. He looked out of his office towards the elevators and found exactly what he thought he would find. His defiant detective stood as nonchalantly as he could, trying to look as if he were busy reading a report while every now and again glancing toward Mac's office. During one of those subtle glances Danny realized Mac was staring right at him.

Danny's impulse was to immediately look away and pretend to have made some important discovery, but something in Mac's expression caught him. Danny gave him a questioning look to which Mac raised his hand and motioned the young detective into his office.

"Fine Lindsay," Mac conceded, "If you won't talk to me then you'll talk to him."

Lindsay turned in her chair and saw her anxious husband heading towards her. She suddenly felt the room closing in on her.

"Please don't...Mac, seriously, I don't think this is necessary," Lindsay pleaded urgently.

"Lindsay, right now your mind doesn't know what to think," Mac informed her as Danny pushed open the door.

"Hey Mac, what's up?" Danny asked but never took his eyes off Lindsay, who had turned away from him.

"Lindsay?" Mac prompted.

She let out a breath but didn't respond.

At Mac's look, Danny moved from his spot at the door and approached his wife. He crouched down in front of her and rested his hands on her knees; still she kept her face turned from him. That's when he realized she was silently crying.

"Linds, baby," he said softly, "Please talk to me."

She wiped at her eyes and gave him a pleading look, her voice caught in her tear clogged throat as she struggled to explain, "I...can't."

Danny turned to Mac in confusion and silently begged for his boss' help.

Mac thought for a moment as he tried to remember everything he had learned as a Marine, the training he had gone through to qualify as a CSI supervisor and what he had read in Lindsay's personnel filed.

"She can't explain Danny because she doesn't really understand it herself."

"Mac I don't..." Danny trailed off, his face a mask of questions.

"Danny, she can't tell you that for the past few days she's been feeling sick inside. She can't tell you that she's confused and scared. She can't tell you that when she saw Kenneth Bamber's dead body...she actually saw yours," Mac clarified.

Danny whipped his head back to Lindsay and saw the pain in her eyes; a testament to the truth of Mac's words. "I don't understand. Lindsay, I wanna help but..." Danny struggled for the right thing to say. Turning back to Mac, he tried again, "Mac I don't understand what that means."

"It means you two need to talk. You need to talk about what happened that night in the bar and you need to talk about what happened after," Mac remarked, "You need to talk about Lindsay's history with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

Mac stood, "You two talk and then the three of us will decide how best to proceed. I'm going to head down to autopsy to meet with Sid." Without further comment he left his office to the couple who had dealt with more than their fair share of tragedy and were still suffering with the fall out.

Danny simply stood and seated himself next to Lindsay on the couch. He leaned back and rubbed his tired eyes with the hand that bore the symbol of his vow's to her. He glanced at her. She maintained her ridged posture and kept her face turned from him. Danny began to reach a hand out but stopped himself as insecurity and compassion waged war inside his mind. He could tell Lindsay was becoming uncomfortable in the silence and Danny had to fight the instinct to relieve her stress. He held back; his wife needed him to hold her hand but she needed to realize that on her own. So Danny sat in the silence and waited.

He watched as Lindsay lowered her head.

He watched as she angrily swiped the tears from her eyes.

He watched as she stood in defiance.

He watched as she paced back and forth visibly shaking.

He watched.

"Stop staring at me," Lindsay declared suddenly.

"No," Danny shot back.

"I don't want you staring at me," Lindsay reiterated sharply.

"Too bad," Danny affirmed forcefully.

Lindsay huffed, "So you're just going to sit there and stare at me all day because Mac thinks there's something wrong with me?"

"No," Danny said cautiously, "First, Mac doesn't think there's somethin' wrong with you and Second, I've got no other option than to wait for you to speak. I've asked you to talk to me and I'm not gonna beg. We've been down this path before except this time you aren't goin' to walk away from me to deal with it on your own. So I will sit here and wait and I will watch you because we aren't leavin' this office until I know my wife is ok."

"I'm fine!" Lindsay insisted.

"No you're not," Danny argued back.

"Stop telling me how I feel! I'm so sick of everyone diagnosing me," Lindsay began shouting, "Do you want me to tell you that after my friends were killed I kept seeing them? That I spent night after night being tortured by nightmares? That when I found out they'd caught the bastard and I knew I would have to face him, I started seeing them again? That they almost refused my application to the force because of my history with PTSD?"

Danny stood and stopped her with his hands on her arms and looking at her directly he calmly stated, "You and I have already talked about those things. You know that. You also know that you would never, in a million years, be standin' in Mac's office shoutin' at me if everything was "fine" so stop screwin' around and tell me what the hell is goin' on in your head. What happened with this case? What happened two days ago?"

Lindsay stopped short. She heard his argument and knew he was right. She would never yell at work, she didn't even like yelling at home--when she and Danny argued, especially since Lucy had arrived, it could get heated but they never really shouted at each other.

"I...thought I was just tired," Lindsay said off-handedly. She shrugged her arms out of Danny's grasp and stepped away from him, "at least when it happened before it made some kind of sense. This..." Lindsay waved her hand vaguely in front of her.

"Ya weren't expecting," Danny finished for her.

"Yeah," Lindsay nodded then acknowledged, "as weird as that sounds."

Danny nodded slowly in understanding. Lindsay had stepped out of his hold but stood near him as she searched for the words that would adequately describe her inner turmoil.

"I felt really sad when I saw the vic. I didn't understand why it felt so deep, you know? So personal," Lindsay reasoned aloud. She seemed lost in her own explanation and Danny risked a comforting hand on her shoulder for a moment, saying simply, "Take your time."

Lindsay began to evaluate the past few days and stumbled through her disclosure, "It seemed like the more I learned about this case the heavier I felt. I kept seeing...how easily this guy's life was ended. When Hawkes told me he had been paralyzed I felt nervous and anxious and I didn't know why."

She looked at Danny and waited.

"Do ya know why now?" Danny prompted.

"I think..." Lindsay sighed deeply, "This is going to sound so stupid."

"I don't care," Danny insisted, "We both know that PTSD has nothin' to do with what makes sense. What's important is that we talk about it."

Lindsay had been told that over and over again since she was first diagnosed but Danny's faith in her and his conviction in their relationship was helping her to believe it.

"I think I was feeling what I felt when I was at the hospital waiting to find out if you were going to live, then hearing that you were going to be in the wheelchair," Lindsay confessed.

Danny thought about what she had said, "I can see how that would come up, especially since you and I haven't talk much about that night."

"I didn't want to talk about it," Lindsay said quickly.

"I know," Danny answered, "I know and I didn't push ya to talk about it. Was that a mistake?"

Lindsay shuffled her feet listlessly, "It was both our mistakes but you had to focus on getting better and I had to focus on taking care of us. There wasn't a whole lot of time for a little heart to heart"

Danny smirked despite the situation, "Also I was on a lot of pain medication."

Lindsay smiled at Danny's attempt to lighten the mood, "Yeah, you were a lot of fun flying high as a kite."

"But," Danny added somberly, "we let it go for too long."

Lindsay chewed on her bottom lip for a moment and then admitted, "Yeah we did—particularly considering my history."

Danny knew how hard it was for her to admit that. He knew her insecurities; he knew her fear in making such an admission. Danny could no longer resist the pull to her body and he allowed his hand to slide down her arm to grip her hand in his.

"Lindsay, you are the greatest mother I've ever known, you are more than I deserve in a wife, you're smart, funny, adorable, hardworking, stronger than anyone I've ever met and I can't take my eyes off of ya. That's who you are. You are responsible, talented, warm and sexy as hell," Danny emphasized his words with a squeeze of her hand, "that's what I see when I look at you."

"You see all that?" Lindsay asked skeptically.

"Why'd'ya think it's so hard to not jump ya everytime I see ya?" Danny asked her seriously.

Lindsay couldn't help the smile that spread across her face.

"Ha!" Danny teased, "I knew I could get you to smile."

Lindsay's smile lost some of its glow but none of its sincerity, "Sometimes I feel like the only thing I have to smile about is you and Lucy."

Danny, having lost all inhibition, pulled his wife firmly against his body. She immediately wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tightly.

"I can't stop thinking about his family," she mumbled into his neck, "I think that is what really put me over the edge. I held that little baby in my arms just as I would Lucy and I couldn't help imagining what our life would have been like if you had died that night; how I would have held her by myself for the rest of her life."

Danny locked Lindsay in his embrace whispering, "Except I'm here, holding you." At his words Lindsay felt her control release and she quietly began weeping, her tears rolling down her cheeks onto his shoulder. Danny cooed words of comfort and love, tenderly stroking her hair and lazily swayed them side to side.

Her crying soon turned to sniffling and Danny pulled back slightly as she raised her head off of his shoulder; her big brown eyes still glassy from unshed tears and implored, "What do we do now?"

"Do you want to talk about that night?" he asked smoothing her damp hair from her face.

"I know I need to but I don't want to do it here in Mac's office Danny. I'm embarrassed enough as it is."

"Fair enough," Danny observed, "we will talk about it tonight at home, but I don't think ya got anythin' to be embarrassed about."

"I screwed up today with a witness," Lindsay blurted out.

"What?" Danny asked surprised.

"The guy we've tagged for the murder. I had an emotional outburst during the interrogation and I'm afraid it's going to cost us the case."

"Linds, I don't know if that's true or not but we'll talk to Mac about it and we'll take it one step at a time, a'right?"

Lindsay looked passed his shoulder and added, "I'm afraid what will happen if the department finds out I had a PTSD melt down in an interrogation."

"There is one thing I know for sure," Danny explained cupping her face with his hands to ensure she was making eye contact with him, "it's that Mac protects those who need protecting. Let us help you now Montana. I don't know what the consequences will be but I know that you and I can get through anything."

"Danny," Lindsay began hesitantly as she again put space between them. When she didn't continue Danny raised his eyes at her in question.

"Danny," she began again.

"Yeah babe?"

"I know you and I talked about the things we wanted to get Lucy for her first Christmas but do you think, that maybe, since she is already getting so much from both your parents and mine, and not to mention everyone here at the lab, definitely more than one little baby is going to even care about, that we could possibly, if you think it's ok, we could…"

"Lindsay just spit it out, please." Danny said firmly but kindly.

"Instead of spending that money on Lucy, could we buy Christmas for this family?" She asked in a rush.

Danny's first reaction was to think of their daughter and all the things he wanted to buy for her to show his love for her but he chose to not respond immediately. Lindsay took his silence as her opportunity to convince him.

"I think more than anything we can teach Lucy that Christmas is more than getting. This case has helped me to understand truly what I almost lost; what she and I almost lost. I would rather sit by the Christmas tree years from now and tell Lucy about how she donated her presents to a family a lot less fortunate than we are than to get her a toy she's not going to care about a year from now," Lindsay spoke slowly but strongly, "They have so little while our lives are so full. If you don't want to or want to just maybe spend part of the money we set aside for her I would understand. It's not just my Christmas, it's our Christmas."

She gazed at Danny expectantly.

Danny felt his heart swell with love and devotion. He struggled to speak as he pronounced, "I think this would be the best Messer Family tradition we could think of Linds. This way it can be our Christmas."

Lindsay felt a wave of excitement wash through her body. She felt better than she had in days and knew it was because of the man standing in front of her.

They stood silent for a moment smiling at each other when a tap on the door pulled them back to the work day. Mac stepped through and soon the three began the conversation that needed to be had. A conversation that was difficult but necessary.

December 25th

Lucy crawled around the wrapping paper that lay strewn about the room. She tried at first to shove fistfuls of the brightly colored tissue into her mouth but Danny and Lindsay had quickly and firmly put a stop to that. Now she simply enjoyed rolling around in the mess and smiling at her parents' laughing faces.

"What a brat she is," Danny teased his chubby little girl, "all those gifts people got her and she just can't get away from the wrappin' paper."

Lindsay laughed happily, "Well we won't tell anyone but I have to admit I am having more fun watching her use her imagination than I would watching her play with a new toy."

Danny leisurely stretched out on his back on the floor and yawned, "Yep Montana, I think I'm gonna hafta agree with ya on that."

Lucy immediately careened towards her father and landed on his stomach, "Whoa Lucy-girl, be careful there, a little lower and you would have ensured yourself the title as only child."

Lindsay giggled. Lucy definitely did not know the definition of personal space and there had been a few instances of Danny's lower anatomy being threaten by that.

"Laugh it up Montana," Danny grumbled, "I guess you don't deserve the gift Santa left ya."

Lindsay's head whipped up from watching her daughter drool on Danny's wife beater, "What? Danny we agreed. We spent our money on helping the Bambers."

"Yeah I know. Don't worry so much, just look under the tree."

Lindsay warily crawled around to the back of the tree, much to Lucy's delight. She rolled of her dad and assuming the four legged position, followed after her mother.

Lindsay found a small package that Danny had clearly wrapped; since it was a little misshapen.

"Danny," Lindsay warned.

"Just open it Montana," he whined sitting up and scooping Lucy into his lap. The little girl watched enraptured as her mom slowly peeled back the wrapping paper.

Lindsay's eyes grew large as she pulled the little book out and read a loud, "Lucy's First Christmas."

Her eyes filled with tears as she flipped through the small photo album that had photos and little pieced of paper with typed-text documenting their shopping trip for toys, food, and household items for the Bambers, the little party they had as they wrapped said gifts—which basically amounted to Danny and Lucy dancing around to Christmas carols while Lindsay watched and wrapped, it showed the three of them as they loaded up the car to make the surprise trip, there was a snap shot that Lindsay had taken of Danny running from the door after setting down the final package. He had rung the door bell and then ran like the wind (something Lindsay had been immensely grateful he could do). She remembered how they had crouched down in the car—Lucy babbling in the back seat—and watched as the young widowed mother had become overwhelmed with emotion at the bounty that sat on her door step. The last photo was of the three of them, having returned from their trip triumphant, with huge smiles on each of their faces.

Lindsay was beyond touched by the beautiful gift.

"How did you?" Lindsay stammered, "I mean we took some of these photos last night? How did you get this made?"

Danny shrugged and said easily, "I've been workin' on it for a little while, and thanks to the 24 hour Wal-greens down the street and the fact that you were completely knocked out last night, I was able to finish just in time."

Lindsay launched herself at her husband who expertly caught her and simultaneously held on to their daughter as they all fell back onto the floor.

"I can't wait to show this to Lucy when she's older," Lindsay squeaked out passed the tears of joy, "I love you and I love our family."

"Best Christmas ever," Danny declared.

While their lives still suffered from the atrocities of man, while they each had pain to labor through and grow from, and while they continued to learn to work together and rely on each other, they knew that miracles come from the love that they shared.

The end.

Thank for reading!!!!

Happy Holidays Everyone!