Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~ anon.

Bella

Not again, God please, not again.

It was the only thought that made sense in my cluttered head; it flowed through my mind like a broken record, repeating over and over and over. There was a cool mist in the air, wet and damp but not raining. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, ready to spill over at any moment and the grass was soft against my feet, tickling them as I prodded through in my plain black pumps. The scene was too familiar, I had felt all these emotions and seen this scene not too long again. Deja-vu.

I registered a comforting arm pressing against the small of my back; I knew it was Charlie just from his touch. I could see the small wooden box up ahead, being carried on the shoulders of men in his family who he had left his mark on. Students had lined up in a guard of honour as we closed towards the cemetery; I held back a bitter laugh. None of these people were his friends, they'd been the ones who had isolated him and cast him out of their social circles.

The silence was terrifying; the only noises to be heard were the soft padding of feet along the grass and the occasional cough or whimpering cry. My breaths were shallow and empty, if I slowed I would stop altogether. The crutches sunk slowly into the soft soil and if thegourpd was trying to swallow me as well, causing my foot to jump forward and I stumbled pathetically.

Charlie wrapped his arm around my waist to prevent any more accidents but I could feel the stares from surrounding watchers, their eyes radiating sympathy and pity. I was the victim in their eyes, the poor pathetic girl who was brutally attacked, only to be saved by the heroic Edward Masen.
It even hurt to think his name.

They didn't understand though, not even my own father could comprehend the pain. I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too. The march finally halted at the top of the grassy bank but I pushed on past the beckoning crowd, they split up the middle letting the cripple through.

My eyes were assaulted with a dreadful image, Mrs Masen. The woman looked how I felt. Her long bronze hair which once shone like her sons, was tied sloppily into a ponytail which hung limply on her shoulder, dead and lifeless. Her lips were chapped and red from biting and her mouth had formed a grimace. Tears had streaked down her cheeks, dripping off one by one and her weak green eyes were staring off into the distance, avoiding the coffin which was approaching slowly, making a journey of its own.

I don't know if it was her or when the priest started to speak but I felt my awareness starting to fade, my emotions block out and my senses weaken. Everything passed in a blur after that, I would only hear parts of conversations before I retrieved back into the safety of my mind, away from the harsh reality of life.

The day flew by in a whirlwind of sympathy and sorrow and I didn't see Mrs Masen again, she seemed to escaped from the crowd. There was a reception after it but Charlie had agreed that I didn't have to go.

It was when we had arrived home and I was standing in our ordinary kitchen that suddenly my memories became alive and tortured me with what had been...

"Oh Isabella how will you ever forgive me?"

"Bella what's right with strawberry? You have to get a variation at least! Strawberry is as bad as just having a plain yogurt."

"She's already got somewhere to sit."

"Please Bella, please, just stay away from him."

"It's all in the leading."

"I love you, never forget that..."

The last one hit me with full force and I felt my legs give in underneath me.

"Bella! Bella, honey!" said Charlie and ran toward me, catching me before I fell. His arms wrapped roughly around me and pulled me upwards, the room span around me and my head felt light and dizzy. Reality was finally hitting me.

"Mhm..." I mumbled incoherently my arms falling loosely at my side as Charlie picked me up and lifted me to my bedroom. His breathing was erratic and panicked but all I could think of was when Edward lifted me like this. His presence had been a source of comfort alone, his arms were safe and warm, his hand gently clasping mine.

"I'm going to call a doctor" said Charlie adamantly when he placed me on my bed.
"No!" I cried hoarsely, "Dad the last thing I need is a doctor prodding at me, I'm just exhausted." He seemed wary at first but finally nodded reluctantly at my logic. He took one last glance at me before closing the door behind him.

The room was cold and lonely leaving me to my thoughts and fears. Now that I had time to think everything started to hit me slowly. Edward is gone, Jacob is a werewolf, Jacob killed him. I gasped for air and sat up rapidly working up into hysterics again like in the hospital. Alice had watched me that with a heart breaking expression.

I then felt my necklace pressing against my chest, the only physical reminder of my mother. I didn't have a reminder of Edward; he had left my life with no remnants of himself and he could soon disappear from my mind altogether.

I felt a hole gaping in my chest, stretching out and ripping my love to shreds and I wrapped my arms around my torso squeezing tightly as soft sobs escaped my chest. It wasn't fair, I can't be tortured with these thoughts and feelings, why should the two closest people to me be ripped violently from my life? What have I done to deserve this? What had Edward done to earn a fate where he was slaughtered meaningless, like a lamb preyed on by a lion?

The anger bubbled up in the moment of hatred for myself, Jacob and denial of the situation so I gripped the side of my bed, my eyes straining up to the ceiling as I panted. I couldn't stay cooped in this house anymore; I was like a prisoner trapped in the four walls.

On the spur of the moment I grabbed my keys from the bedside table, threw on an old blue woollen jumper and clambered towards the window. I threw it open with the little strength I had left and it thumped loudly. The cold bitterness of the night assaulted my senses when the wind flew in and hit me like a bucket of ice cold water. I inched out the window slowly, my bare feet scraping into the bark of the tree unsteadily. Swinging my arms rapidly onto the trunk, I held it in a death grip and slid down the tree. Branches dug into my spine and my hands and feet were being scraped from the rough wood but I embraced the pain, it fought through the numbness that had overwhelmed me earlier.

Once I had landed safely on the cool wet grass and treaded lightly to my truck parked haphazardly in the drive and started off down the road, glancing behind quickly to see if Charlie had spotted me. The truck was familiar and brimmed with memories of Edward, it was as if I couldn't escape him, each moment I turned he'd be right beside me. It felt like he wasn't really gone, I could almost see him, lying lazily back in the passenger seat, his wild hair sticking up chaotically, longing to be touched. His arms would be sprawled over the back of the seat, his hand lightly dancing over my shoulder as I tried my best to concentrate, ignoring the constant butterflies. His eyes would watch me fervently, distracting me at every possible second and when I would chastise him a beautiful smile would light his face.

I only realised the tears were running down my face and I wiped them away carelessly, trying to focus on the road. My headlights lit the dark road ahead, small animals scurried into the hedges as my truck powered down the lonely road. Knowing I'd reached my destination I pulled the truck sharply to the side of the road and stepped out. Here there was a gentle soothing breeze and the sand was cool and gentle to my battered bare feet.

As I walked closer the ground hardened and the sound of crashing waves became more apparent. I took each step slowly and deliberately until I reached the edge of the cliff. I could see first beach stretching out along the coast of La Push where small white seashells dotted along the sand.

I took one deep breath, the salt and sea streamed through my nose in a nauseating manner that I had to exhale sharply again. Then in a moment of silence I stood at the very edge, the hard rock's jagging into my feet but I ignored it, I felt like I was flying here. The time had come though and there was no turning back now. So in one swift movement I ripped the locket from my neck, the chain snapping in two under the force. I held it in my palm for a moment, watching the blue pendant shine from the light of the moon. Squeezing it tightly in my hand and then I threw my arms back then forward and swung the locket down into the crashing waves.

It fell quickly through the air and hit the water with such an insignificant splash that it would have went unnoticed if my eyes hadn't been trained on it the whole time. As the locket sunk slowly to the ocean floor, so did the old Bella. My life up to now didn't matter anymore, it was all past and if I wanted to survive this I had to become someone else. The heartache will never fade but maybe I could block it out.

As I walked back to the truck I felt my old self melting away behind me in a trail towards the sea. I was Isabella now, Bella was gone with the locket and Edward.