An Unfortunate Gathering

Characters: Matsumoto Rangiku, Hisagi Shuhei, Kira Izuru, Kyouraku Shunsui, Ise Nanao, Hinamori Momo, Hitsugaya Toshiro, Abarai Renji, Kuchiki Rukia, Kuchiki Byakuya, Shihoin Yoruichi, Soifon, Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Kurotsuchi Nemu, Kenpachi Zaraki, Kusajishi Yachiru, Kurosaki Ichigo

Disclaimer: Uh, if I owned Bleach, crazy kinky things like the following would probably constitute the entirety of its contents. So, uh, be glad that Kubo Tite wrote it ^_^;;

Warnings: There is going to be lots and lots of sex. Not graphic mind you, but the sheer amount of it is slightly overwhelming

It wasn't unusual to find Matsumoto Rangiku with a bottle of sake in hand. Nor was it abnormal to find a few men indulging in alcoholic pleasures with her. It certainly wasn't strange for her to make a comment about her breasts.

"Oh, look at them! They're so cumbersome!" she sighed tragically, prodding one with a finger. The ripples spreading outwards reverberated for several seconds.

Hisagi Shuhei was hypnotized. "I'm looking," he agreed helpfully.

The other man in the room pointedly looked away.

"Kira, don't be such a spoilsport!" Matsumoto admonished, grabbing his head and shoving it forcibly into her bosom. She held him there with the crook of her elbow and sipped her sake.

Kira Izuru flailed helplessly, weak due to his inebriation.

Hisagi was gazing fondly at Matsumoto's breasts, but frowned when a blonde head obscured his view. It took him a minute to realize that (the pathetic, wimpy, womanly) Kira Izuru had his head in Rangiku Matsumoto's breasts, and that he was left all alone out in the proverbial cold. "Yeah, Kira, don't be such a spoilsport," he parroted with a jealous sigh.

"There's no need to be jealous! They're big enough for two!" With that, she grabbed a hank of Hisagi's dark hair and shoved him into her breasts as well.

The lieutenant of the Ninth Division sighed blissfully (well attempted to, but trying to breathe in the soft pillows of Matsumoto's breasts was difficult). The lieutenant of the Third Division flailed even harder while making small "mmph's" of protest. A particularly enthusiastic thrash knocked over Matsumoto's sake bottle out of her hands.

"The sake!" she cried. "We're out of sake!" She barely had a second to mourn its loss before Kyouraku Shunsui appeared in the doorway (no one really knew how he found indecent situations as quickly as he did, but Ise Nanao was circulating a rumor that his nose could sniff out alcohol and women from at least five kilometers away).

"I brought some, don't worry," Kyouraku comforted. He drew a full bottle from within his haori and placed it in the woman's hand. She uncorked it with her teeth and took a long swig.

"Aaah!" she sighed happily. The sigh made her breasts heave. This made Hisagi's nose bleed. This, in turn, began to stain Matsumoto's uniform.

"Rangiku-chan, your uniform!" Kyouraku exclaimed. "Let me help you remove it before it stains." He was obligingly untying her obi and was sliding the uniform off her shoulders when Ise Nanao appeared in the doorway, scowling.

"Taichou! You can't just shunpo away from…a meeting…like that." The intensity of her objection petered out. The papers previously clutched in her fingers fell to the floor. Despite the fact that she was accustomed to walking in on (and even doing paperwork during) Kyouraku's acts of debauchery, this was on a whole different level. Not even Yadomaru Lisa's pornographic manga could have matched this scene. Kira-fukutaichou was limp against Matsumoto's left breast (was he alive?). Hisagi-fukutaichou was happily twitching against Matsumoto's right breast. Her taichou was removing Matsumoto's clothes and Matsumoto had somehow managed to down half the previously full bottle of sake.

"Ah, Nanao-chan, come join us!" Kyouraku said, beckoning her over.

"No thank you, taichou." Ise's famous composure was beginning to crack. She needed to escape, and she needed to escape now with her pants on. Dropping to her hands and knees, she scrambled to retrieve the errant papers. The moaning and thrashing above her resumed. She studiously ignored it.

She had managed to retrieve all but the last piece of paper without mishap; the last sheet had landed dangerously close to Matsumoto's (now naked) body. Any semblance of poise she had was now long gone as she stretched her hand out for the report—

"Nanao?" a timid voice asked.

She froze.

Hinamori Momo stood in the doorway, eyes wide. "I came to return your book," she explained, but it was clear her attention was focused on other matters. Four wriggling bodies squashed onto the couch (well, three actively wriggling bodies; Kira's body was writhing by default) with Ise Nanao on her hands and knees on the floor as the centerpiece. Momo looked slightly distressed.

Much like Kyouraku-taichou had a debauchery sensor, Hitsugaya Toshiro had a "Momo-in-distress" sensor. He appeared within seconds behind his childhood friend, whose nose was beginning to bleed

"MATSUMOTO!" he screeched.

A strawberry blonde head popped out of the tangle of bodies. "Oh, Hitusgaya-taichou, it's okay!" She released a lewd half giggle, half moan.

The captain was inconsolable. His lieutenant was not doing her paperwork, his office had become some sort of communal mating area, and most of all…"You made Hinamori BLEED!" He whipped out his sword and began to attack.

"No, no, Hitsugaya-taichou, it's not what it looks like!" Nanao protested hysterically, holding up her paperwork like some sort of shield.

"Oh, Nanao-chan, it's exactly what it looks like," Kyouraku chuckled.

With a roar of anger, Hitsugaya leapt on the most available person: Ise Nanao. His sword slashed her stack of papers in half. She shrieked and tried to hide behind the mesh of bodies.

Meanwhile, Hinamori was still in a state of complete shock. "Shiro-chan…" Momo whispered. She backed out of the room before falling backwards in a dead faint.

"What's going on?" Abarai Renji demanded, catching her easily. His pink, sakura-patterned nightwear rustled ominously as he pushed open the door to the Tenth Division's office with his shoulder. "Hinamori's spiritual pressure was—"

He paused. He blinked. He tried to block out the indecent noises. He even managed to ignore the fact that Hitsugaya-taichou was using his zanpakuto to slice off Ise Nanao's clothes.

Renji was doing very well at pretending that nothing was happening until he caught sight of Matsumoto's breasts bouncing gently up and down. Without a second thought, he leapt into the fray, taking poor Momo's unconscious body with him.

In a peaceful, sun-filled mansion, Kuchiki Rukia frowned at the sudden disturbance in Renji's reiatsu. "Nii-sama, I think Abarai-fukutaichou is being attacked…"

Kuchiki Byakuya nodded his answer to her silent question. "You may go."

She was gone in an instant. Her shunpo had gotten better, he noted. He returned to his afternoon tea, sipping it elegantly.

Minutes later, both Renji's and Rukia's spiritual pressures were highly agitated. Knitting his eyebrows imperceptibly in annoyance, he placed his teacup down and set off to rescue his younger sister and his wayward lieutenant.

At that precise moment, Shihoin Yoruichi flash-stepped up to him and snatched his kenseikan. "Gotcha, Byakuya-bo!"

"Not right now," he intoned.

Yoruichi pouted, keeping up effortlessly. She tugged his hair in an attempt to incense him. "Little Byakuya!" He ignored her.

They arrived in front of the Tenth Division offices. There were strange squishing noises, thumps, and the occasional scream coming from inside. These noises did not intimidate Kuchiki Byakuya. He regally slammed the door open.

To his credit, he didn't even bat an eyelash. He simply strode over to the fray and began to fish out his sister.

Yoruichi licked her lips in anticipation. With an evil smirk, she shoved Byakuya in before diving in herself.

This, of course, did not go unnoticed to Soifon (who certainly did not have an entire unit of her Stealth Force stalking Yoruichi in case that dirty Urahara bastard tried to steal her away again). In a flash, she appeared in the room and swam into the pile of bodies. "Yoruichi-sama, come back! This is dangerous!"

At this moment, Kurotsuchi Mayuri arrived with Kurotsuchi Nemu in tow. "I hear the sounds of massive copulation!" he declared. In response, the strange squishing noises, thumps, and occasional screams increased in volume and intensity. The pair of scientists approached the orgy and stopped right near the edge.

"I must observe and collect samples. Nemu, you filthy girl, the equipment!"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama," the girl said monotonously. She dumped her pack on the ground and began to empty the backpack of ropes, straps, chains, oddly-shaped beakers, several tubs of chocolate sauce, and a whip.

Kurotsuchi Mayuri sighed in frustration and kicked her in the left kidney. "No, no, you dunderhead! The sample collecting equipment, not the bondage equipment."

"Sorry." Nemu unzipped the outer pocket of the backpack and pulled out a handful of massive syringes, a scalpel and jars filled to the brim with formaldehyde.

"Do it faster!" he demanded, kicking her much harder this time.

Unfortunately, at this moment, an errant blow from Hitsugaya's sword managed to nearly decapitate Nemu. She lay limply on the ground, lifeless. "Useless, useless! How could you fail me when such prime specimen are at hand!" He began to repair her. Her moans soon joined the ecstatic sighs coming from the rest of the group.

Several blocks away, Zaraki Kenpachi heard thumping and screaming and…squishing. He wasn't sure about the squishing, but thumping and screaming definitely indicated a fight.

"Do you hear it too, Ken-chan?" Yachiru chirped. "It sounds like a fight!"

"Yes."

"Let's go!" His lieutenant picked out a random direction and pointed at it. "It's this way!"

Miraculously, they managed to find the source of the noise quickly and found themselves outside the Tenth Division barracks. A manic grin lit Kenpachi's scarred face. "Can you smell the fear?"

Well, perhaps not fear, but it smelled like something.

"In there, Ken-chan!"

He didn't need to be told twice. The bloodthirsty captain destroyed the wall separating him from…a lot of sweating, naked people who were certainly not fighting (at least not in the conventional sense; Kuchiki Byakuya was using utsusemi to literally be in three places at once, but he didn't seem to be using it to fuck people over in the usual manner).

Kenpachi Zaraki stared. The smile melted off his face. He had really wanted a good fight.

Everyone froze.

Kusajishi Yachiru squealed in delight. She leapt off Kenpachi's shoulder, scrambled over fourteen naked bodies and triumphantly grabbed the tubs of chocolate sauce. "Ken-chan, look! They have sweets!"

Kenpachi Zaraki was going to have a fight and he couldn't care less about the state of (un)dress his opponents were in. "Unsheathe your swords!" he demanded.

Some suicidal smart-aleck in the crowd decided to reply, "We already did, can't you see?"

All hell broke loose.

Several days later…

"Why does everybody keep staring at Byakuya whenever they see us?" Ichigo whispered to Renji. The three of them were headed toward the training grounds, Byakuya striding several yards ahead.

"Because Kuchiki-taichou is a kinky son of a bitch."

Ichigo twitched.