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Mass Effect: The Things that need to be Parodied: Endgame

In the briefing room…

"Alright!" Shepard commented. "We know where Saren is headed and we have the coordinates to our relay. Let's go catch him!"

"We can't" Tali said.

"What now?" Shepard groaned.

"The Mu relay is in the Termius systems. Going in there will trigger a war."

"Umm… stealth systems, anybody?" Shepard asked.

"Saren will be there with mass of his fleets. You need to contact the Council and ask them for help." Liara said.

"Oh, alright. I guess I have no choice."

Shepard walked up to the navigational map of the bridge with Joker on the line.

"Commander, we've just got word from the Citadel. A joint fleet is emerging, and Ambassador Udina wants us to meet him on the Citadel."

"About time! Take us in, Joker. I want the Normandy to be at the heart of that fleet."

Back on the Citadel…

"Good job, Shepard." Udina said. "The Council is finally taking real action against Saren."

"Yes," the Turian Councilor said. "We've set up patrols around the Mass Relay that lead towards the Citadel. If Saren tries anything, we'll stop him dead cold."

Shepard was bewildered. "One ship going into the Termius Systems won't start a war. Send me, and I'll be quiet."

With that, the Turian Councilor responded,

"You detonated a nuclear device on Virmire. Archaic as it sounds, that still made a lot of noise. I wouldn't call that subtle."

"What about the Reapers?" Shepard said.

"Only you have seen the Reapers," The Asari Coucilor said. "And only in visions."

"Secrecy isn't Saren's greatest weapon; the Conduit is. We need to find it."

The Salarian Ambassador scoffed. "He's tricking you, Shepard. There is no Conduit."

"Wait, you mean to tell me that Saren sent his Geth to several planets, sent his right hand to find the coordinates to a lost relay, tried to capture and possibly torture a Prothean expert, just for a distraction? Excuse my language, but are you high?"

"Yes, I am high. High above you in the chain of command."

Udina faced Shepard, "It's over, Commander. We've won! Now is the time for you to sit down, and shut up."

"That idea is just as bad as the American version of that show. This isn't over!"

The Turian Councilor chimed in, "Ambassador, I get the feeling that Commander Shepard isn't willing to step down."

"You've been a big help Commander, but it's time for you to get out of the way. I've locked the Normandy's controls, so you can't leave."

"You bastard!" Ashley cried. "You're selling us out!"

"Nothing personal, Commander. Just politics."

"You're going to regret this, Udina. I swear it!" Shepard then left off, only to return to the Normandy.

On the Normandy…

"Stupid bureaucrats and their stupid politics." Shepard grumbled as he went to his locker. When he angrily threw some stuff around, he found Ash by his side.

"Fricken' Udina. I always knew in-game politics always got in the way."

"So, that's it?" Ashley asked. "Game over?"

"Not by a long shot! Udina may have grounded me, but I'll stop Saren one way or another."

"That's the spirit, Skipper! Listen, whatever happens, I just wanted you to know that… I want you to be happy."

Shepard smiled, "Thanks, Ash. I want you to be happy, too."

"Just don't expect me to be all lovey-dovey all the time." With that, Ash helped Shepard off his feet. However, she underestimated her strength and his weight. They nearly collided, only to feel each other's warm breath. With a slow, steady pace, the two began to move closer to each other and-

"Captain, urgent message," Joker said over the PA.

"Dammit, Joker! I'm going to-" And with that, Commander Shepard said a plethora of obscenities that would've made this fanifiction receive an 'M' rating. He continued this, until he cooled down 5 minutes later.

"-sideways! (Sigh) Now, what did you want?"

Regaining his composure, Joker shook his head. "Oh! Captain Anderson wanted to see you at that club, Flux. He said there's a way to get you off the station."

"You better head out, Skipper. Can't keep the Captain waiting…"

Flux…

Heading out with Garrus and Ashley, Shepard found Captain Anderson waiting at a table.

"Heard about what happened. I tried to get a message to you before they ambushed you, but my wireless plan cut out. Damn Verizon."

"Well, now what? Saren's already nearing the Conduit and the only ship that can get me there is grounded."

Keith David leaned in. "I know you're angry, and so am I. I have a plan to get you off the station. One of my plans could be to either trespass on Citadel Security, where I might probably get shot, or go into the Ambassador's office and-

"Ambassador's Office." The entire crew said in unison.

"I was hoping you'd say that. Now, are you ready-"

"Are you rrrready?"

An odd silence fell on the table.

"I said, 'are you ready'?"

"Are you rrrready?"

"What is that?" Shepard asked.

"Nothing! Now, I want to know if you're ready-"

"Are you rrrrready?"

"To get off this station!" Captain Anderson yelled.

"You bet. I'll be in the Normandy if you need me."

"Make us proud, Shepard."

However, the curious Turian asked, "Commander, I thought you always told me to obey the rules?"

"Garrus, when BS politics are involved, anything goes."

"I like the sound of that."

However, back at the table, Captain Anderson sighed, putting on a tophat.

"Oh alright.

Transmogrification central!
Can you feel it?
You're changin'
You're changin'
You're changin', all right!
I hope you're satisfied
But if you ain't
Don't blame me
You can blame my friends on the other side!"

The song ended and naturally, the crowd went wild. Captain Anderson took a bow.

Ambassador Udina's office…

Typing away at his computer, Udina felt surprised to find Keith David entering his office.

"Anderson? I didn't send for you. What are you-" Udina was quickly silenced with a quick hook to the face.

Meanwhile, back on the Normandy…

Shepard and Joker waited patiently for the greenlight to signal. Just when it looked like the plan wouldn't fall through, the green light signaled.

"Get us out of here, Joker!" Shepard yelled as he made his way back to the bridge. Joker smiled and quickly took off, chasing after Saren and his attempts at the Conduit.

Nearing Ilos…

Shepard stood watching his screensaver with all the lights turned off.

Suddenly, a voice from behind came, "Skipper?"

Shepard stood up, "Don't you think we're past nicknames now?"

The Gunnery Chief smiled. "You'll always be my captain, "Oh Captain, My Captain."

"You know Whitman?"

"I did, but I got it off of Dead Poet's Society.

Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.

You know, Fraternization could be a long list of things added to the list of court-martials. You ready to deal with the consequences?"

"Ash, I just pulled a Star Trek III. Do you think I really care what happens now?"

"Star Trek III? Spock died?"

"No, that was Wrath of Kahn." Shepard said.

"You… talked to God?"

"N-no, that was The Final Frontier."

Ash shook her head, "I don't- Oh! You went back in time and rewrote all of our destinies using Red Matter."

"No! That was J.J. Abram's Star Trek, which despite having a script full of plot holes and plot devices from Alex Kurtzman and Bob Orci, had very good direction as well as great acting on everyone's part. I stole the ship! Kirk defied orders and stole the Enterprise."

Ash rubbed the back of her head, "Sorry, I'm more of a Next Generation girl myself."

"As I was saying, at this point, I really don't care about what they do to me."

"During that whole time, not even once did I feel I was worth fight for… You make me feel good enough."

Shepard smiled, "I love you, Ash Williams."

A rather awkward pause came between the two. "Umm… that didn't come out exactly right. What I meant to say was-"

"Shut up and kiss me, you fool!" Ashley cried as they forced themselves upon each other.

They slowly embraced each other, sensually and delightfully. After a very good toss in Shepard's bed, Ash awoke, only to find the Commanding Officer fully dressed.

"Well now, I guess that's a new way of saying, 'Drop down and give me twenty'."

Shepard smiled. "Like what you saw?"

Ashley shrugged. "Actually it was so dark, I could barely see a thing."

"Yeah… it's that damn light. I have to get that fixed some day."

Joker spoke through the intercom. "Nearing Mu Relay. ETA 5 minutes."

"Well, looks like it's almost time."

Ashley spoke up, "Shepard. In case we don't make it, no! You know what? If you want to know, you'll just have to come back to me. Come back to me, and I'll let you know how I really feel."

Nearing Ilos…

After successfully passing through the Mu relay, the Normandy could do little but to witness the fleet of ships before them."

"Lotta Geth chatter out there, are you sure we're safe?" Pressley asked.

"Stealth Systems are online. They won't see us, unless they look out a window."

"We need to get down to the surface," Liara stated.

"Nearest landing zone is 2 clicks away from Saren's position."

"That's too far, we'll never make it in time," Liara said.

"Drop us in the Mako…" Shepard gritted through his teeth. "We should be able to- drive."

"You need at least 100 m for a Mako drop. Closest I can find to Saren is 20 m."

"20 meters?" Ashley cried, "We're never make it! Find another landing zone."

"There is no other landing zone! I looked!" Pressley cried.

"We have to try!" Tali said. "It's are only option."

"It's not an option!"

Shepard winced, "Ow, Ash, that was right in my ear."

"It's a suicide mission, we should-"

"I can do it." Joker said.

"Joker?" Shepard said.

"I can make the shot. Just get in and I'll do it."

Shepard cried, "You heard the man! Let's suit up!"

Before he left, Ash stopped him for a brief moment. "Umm… Skipper. I was wondering if- I could, join you this time."

Shepard grumbled. "Aww… can't you wait for Mass Effect 2?"

Ashley simply frowned.

"Fine! You and Liara, get suited up!"

The Normandy quickly swooped down. Below, Saren was nearly unaware of the situation, but quickly ordered his troops inside while sealing the door. After they narrowly crashed towards the wall, Shepard and crew were faced with a minor setback. A door.

"Looks like we can't blast through this door," Ashley said. "Shame, too."

Liara looked around, "There must be a security console nearby that we can use. We must hurry."

Shepard nodded. "Alright, let's-"

"Wait! You didn't level me up, yet!" Ash said.

"Oh, fine! Here, lemme see…" After a few quick moments, Shepard was done upgrading his unused squadmate. "Let's do this!"

The crew followed a pathway. Using their sharp skills, they mostly mowed through the Geth forces using their powers (with the exception of Ashley who didn't have powers so she simply just shot at things.)

However, they were quickly stopped by two Geth Armatures shooting electric shots.

"Alright, as long as we take cover and avoid the shots, we can-"

A loud gasp showed Liara on the floor unconscious.

"Dammit! We've already played this joke!" Shepard said, taking cover. He and Ashley managed to slowly diminish the Geth's health as they constantly took cover and Shepard tried this best to revive Liara, only for her to die several mote times. Luckily, the managed to defeat the Armatures and move on.

Much, much, later…

"Oh, God!" Shepard cried. "I've managed to use up all my medi-gel on these ridiculous conflicts. Do the people at Bioware hate us?"

"Possibly," Liara stated. "That or the difficulty curve has been significantly increased to excuse this as the final level of the game. There's the security console, we have to catch up to Saren."

"Unless he's already found the Conduit," Ashley quipped.

"That is a risk we will have to take." Shepard unlocked the door, only to have a corrupt data cache come in.

"Look, a Prothean message!" Liara said.

"Hmm… so long… must add lots of ginger… filthy, filthy girl… too small…"

Shepard said nothing, hearing his squadmates discuss amongst themselves.

"I can't understand it. It's in Prothean." Liara said. "Shepard, do you understand what it's saying?"

"Ohh… somebody spank me! Momma needs more… bad, bad… oh! OH!"

Shepard stuttered, "Uhh… it's just a distress call about the Conduit. We- we should go."

"What does it say?" Liara asked.

"Nothing! I-I mean, it's too damaged to figure out. C'mon, we should get out of here."

The crew took another Elevator up, returning to the Mako.

The Commander sighed, "Okay. I may hate this stupid piece of junk, but it's our only way to reach Saren. So… let's do this!"

And so, Shepard started the Mako and drove cautiously. However, when rockets began firing at them, Shepard did his best not to get hit. His best wasn't very good.

After running over any resistance, Liara marveled at the many Statis Pods they had uncovered.

"Look at this! It is marvelous. This must be the last shelter of the Prothean resistance. There are hundreds among hundreds of pods out here."

Ash commented as well. "Umm… yeah. Let's save the galaxy first, and then admire the view."

The crew then ran into a wall, unsure what was going on."

"What's this?" Liara asked.

"It's an ambush!" Ashley cried.

"No! I believe that this isn't Saren's work. I think we're supposed to go to that door to the right."

Shepard nodded. The crew then took another elevator beneath the surface, trying to see what was below. The crew felt surprised to find another Prothean VI waiting at the nerve center.

"I do not sense the taint of indoctrination upon you, unlike the one who came here before…" The VI said.

"I-I don't believe this." Liara said. "An actual working Prothean VI!"

"Not only that," Ash said. "But I can understand it, too."

"Yes, I decided to study your language and speak to you for the sake of plot convenience. My name is Vigil.You come seeking the Conduit. But in order for you to understand how to defeat it, you must understand the cycle of extinction that has been plaging the galaxy for hundreds of years. The Citadel is your center of government, yes?"

Shepard nodded.

"That is unfortunate. You see, we Protheans, also established the Citadel as our center of government. We were caught totally off-guard when the Reapers attacked. You see, the Citadel is actually a giant Mass Relay leading into dark space."

"Wait, then how come no could tell it was a giant Mass Relay?" Shepard asked.

"The keepers prevented such poking and prodding so that no one could actually learn of the true intentions of the Citadel. There we became fat and complacent until the Reapers came in and destroyed our entire civilization. It was Sid Meier all over again…"

"So there's no stopping it?" Shepard asked.

"Luckily, the few Protheans that survived gather together to prevent this from happening. When the Reapers intend to invade, they send out a signal to the Reapers. However, we blocked this and made sure it couldn't happen again."

"Unless a jerkass Turian decides to open the signal! Saren will let the Reapers in."

"Yes. He plans to use the Conduit, a Mass Relay that leads inside the Citadel to open the gate. You must take this OSD, which I have conveniently prepared in case someone was stupid- I mean, brave enough to venture and stop Saren. It should be located near Citadel Tower. We spent many years preparing this, so much so that I had to shut off the status pods in order of friend ranking via ProtheanSpace."

"Huh, seems a bit unfair." Shepard said.

"It was necessary in order to weed out the unwanted. I have sensed that Saren has not left yet. You can catch up to him but you must hurry."

"Thank you, Exposition and Convenient Plot Device. You have saved us all."

"Shepard," Liara said. "Don't you want to know more about the Protheans? Vigil doesn't have much time left."

"Liara, remember when I said that some things take priority over others?"

"Yes…"

"Saving the galaxy is one of them."

"You're right…" Liara sighed.

After what seemed to be a rather awkward elevator ride, Shepard and crew hopped into the Mako and drove forwards.

"It's sad to see the civilization that may have found the one thing to defeat the Reapers was wiped off the face of the galaxy."

Ash shrugged, "Well, easy come, easy go. Let's find that Conduit and stop Saren."

Shepard sucked in his breath, "This could be a bumpy ride…"

After barely managing to survive several encounters with Rocket troopers, Rocket drones, Geth Colossi, amongst other things, with barely a sliver of health left, Shepard and crew finally managed to find the Conduit, glowing brightly in the distance.

"Look at it; it's beautiful!" Liara said.

"No time to admire the view! We've got to get to it before it closes and this blockade isn't going to make it easy for us!"

"Wait…" Shepard said. "We're supposed to run a blockade of Geth Armatures with the slowest and bulkiest vehicle in the Alliance Navy?"

The two women nodded.

"Oh, stick me in a school and call me Furious Ming, this is going to be a pain in the ass…"

Meanwhile, in Citadel Space…

The beginning of Saren's fleet began to invade the Citadel. With a quick volley of energy shots, they decimated the number of ships in front of them.

"This is an emergency!" An Asari cried. "Evacuate the Council! We have to close the Arms. Hello? Hello!"

But, it was too late. Just as if they had watched The Adventures of Pluto Nash, the remaining Asari inside were dead, killed by Geth hands.

Back on Ilos…

Seconds passed by. Shepard and crew were taking heavy damage. They tried to follow the designated road, only to receive heavy damage along the way. They ran past the roadblock, praying to their individual deities. And just when they thought it was game over, once more, they quickly shot up towards the Conduit, being at the mercy of the Mass Effect Relay.

Near Citadel Tower…

The guarding Geth were caught by surprise only to be run over by a random Tank which quickly tipped over by their demise. Shepard and crew managed to crawl out of the wreckage, to find the Mako a tipped over mess.

"Wow, somehow I'm glad this thing broke down when it did."

The crew continued forward, only to be ambushed by several Husks and Geth. But by this point, Shepard didn't even have to signal to Liara to defeat the swarm of Geth and thus remained victorious. They found a nearby information console and decided to… consult it.

Shepard commented, "Hey, it's AVINA, the VI that I have never used. Can you provide us with some additional exposition?"

"O-o-o-of course. Casualties by the millions. Several emergency systems off-line. Michael Bay films playing in every sector.

"Wow, worse that I thought. What about Ambassador Udina and Captain Anderson?"

"Specific locations of civilians unknown. Citadel must restore peace before counting of casualties can commence."

"Come on!" Shepard barked. "Saren's got enough of a head start as it is, we've got to hurry!"

And so, Shepard and crew took the elevator up, praying they weren't too late.

Too late…

Saren shot a nearby Keeper and reached the command console right near Citadel Tower.

After typing a few keywords essential for complete domination, the Citadel Arms closed very slowly, but not before Sovereign flew past, and at times through, several ships only to merge with the Citadel. Its giant tendrils took control, and managed to shut down major systems, including the elevators.

"Sovereign's locked down the elevator!" Shepard cried, while pulling out his pistol. "Suit up! We're taking the long way around!"

With a quick shot of the pistol, the Normandy ground team stepped right outside… only to walk on the Citadel's outside surface.

"For a moment there, I thought we would float for a brief moment." Ashley said.

"Sorry, Ash. 2001's probably a movie we aren't ripping off… much. To the Council chambers!"

Many, many battles later…

"Huh," The Commander commented to himself. "Who knew one of the perks of zero gravity was to defeat all opponents with Lift."

Shepard and crew barely made it to the Citadel Tower. There, they found Saren working busily on the console.

"Hmm…" The Turian said, "My Spectre senses are tingling. Grenade!" He shouted as the crew scattered out of its blast radius.

"You're too late, Shepard!" Saren said. "Within a few moments, Soveriegn will have full control of the station. It's not too late for you to join us!"

"Saren, get out of the way! I have to stop the Reapers!" Shepard said behind cover.

"Don't you understand? Reapers think all organics are 'meatbags'. But if we work with the Reapers, we can preserve our way of life!"

"Saren, are you dumb enough to actually believe that giant robotic cockroaches are going to let us live? C'mon!"

The Turian snarled, "Don't think you can sway me like you did on Virmire, Shepard. I remember the conversation clear in my head…

Shepard talked from cover, "the Reapers will kill us all and you're just a sap!"

"Am not!" Saren replied.

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Are not."

"Am too. Wait…Dammit!"

"Because Sovereign knew this, it implanted me with a number of upgrades to strengthen my resolve."

The Commander gasped in shock, "You let Sovereign implant you? Are you insane?"

"Call it what you will, but I am stronger than ever before. You can't persuade me otherwise."

"Can too."

"Can not."

"Can too."

"Can not."

"Can not."

"Can too. Wait. Oh, God, what have I done?" Saren screamed in agony.

Shepard saw the opportunity and used his CHARM dialogue. "Saren, you're stronger than you look. Fight him! Join with me and we can beat it together."

"No! But I won't let it win. Goodbye, Shepard," Saren said while pointing a gun towards his neck, "Thank you."

After a quick trigger pull, Saren collapsed toward the glass floor and fell into the garden below. Needless to say, Shepard was messed up by this very sight.

"Brilliant tactical maneuver!" Liara cried.

"Yeah, I can't believe you actually talked Saren into killing himself."

"But-but…I didn't mean to…"

"Ssss-sure you didn't…" Both Ashley and Liara said at the same time. Shepard tried to ignore those facts and headed straight for the console.

"Vigil's data file worked. I'm inside the mainframe."

"Quick!" Ashley cried, "See if you can open the station's arms before Sovereign takes control of the mainframe."

"See if you can open up a communications line." Garrus said.

Just then, Joker's voice appeared, "Normandy to Commander Shepard. I repeat, Normandy to Commander Shepard, do you read?"

"Not really, I just tend to wait for the movie adaptation."

"Very funny, Commander. Listen, I'm sitting here with the entire Auturus fleet. We can come in and stop Sovereign any time you want!"

"Shepard," Ashley said. "Do you really want to open up the station arms now? A lot of our boys are going to die if you try to save the council."

"Excellent point, Ashley. But perhaps a second opinion is in order. Liara?"

"We should let the Council die." The Asari said.

"What? Liara, you're supposed to be the counter-point! It's your race that's going to face the consequences if the Council dies."

"After what I've seen, complete and total anarchy could replace the Council and it would still make more sense."

"Oh, come on! They're not that… well… maybe… we should save them in good conscience!"

Joker commented, "Really? Don't you think that… I dunno… millions of our soldiers lives are worth more than 3 people?"

"Joker, not you too?"

"I'm just saying… millions of soldiers, three people, millions of our soliders, three people we don't like…"

"Just do what I say!"

"Oh, alright!"

Outside the station's arms…

"This is Admiral Hackett. Our orders are clear. Save the Council. I repeat, save the Council."

The Auturus fleet groaned in unison. Rather than doing what any other military force would do and say… disobey orders, the pilots stupidly, I mean, valiantly gave their lives for three bureaucrats. That's right. Millions upon million of lives were sacrificed for three aliens who essentially mocked Shepard when prompted.

And so the Destiny Ascension was saved, and whatever remained of the Auturus fleet, which is to say wasn't much, swooped in and began their attack on Sovereign.

Meanwhile, back inside…

"Hmm…" Shepard said. "Since this is an RPG, I should make sure the main bad guy doesn't regenerate and take on a 2nd form. Go down there and make sure he's dead."

Both Ashley and Liara dropped down to the garden below. While Liara was about to check Saren's heartbeat, Ash made things simple: she shot him in the head.

"He's dead." She said through the com.

Shepard sighed, "Oh, good. For a moment there, I was afraid we would have to go through a tedious, overly long boss battle with far too much health and-"

Suddenly, the whole station shook as Sovereign seemed to inject his energy. The station Shepard stood on gave way as he slid down, only to see a horrible sight. A glowing red Saren, with red energy glowing within him.

"Oh, me and my big mouth…"

Saren leapt away as he began shooting fireballs the size of a Krogan's head towards them. The crew took cover behind a wall, as Shepard devised a plan.

"Okay, Ash, you're the tank. You distract Saren's 2nd form while me and Liara shoot at him. Liara, I expect you to put up a full Barrier while I-"

"Uhh… Commander…" Liara said.

"What?"

The Asari showed the new Saren, trapped within her Lift radius.

"Are. You. Kidding. Me?" Shepard yelled.

"All that time sidequesting, leveling up and checking my equipment all for a boss battle that's defeated by Lift? That does it! Why can't Bioware make hard bosses? First Jade Goleming Master Li and now this! Was Malak the only hard boss? No. Because I can beat him with my eyes closed!"

"Uhh… Shepard…" Ashley said.

"No! They need to make harder bosses! They should have a gallon of health, be able to attack from all sides, not die because of one spell, have a dozen of his minions come out of the woodwork and… I don't know, teleport!"

Meanwhile, in the Dragon Age: Origins development team…

"Hey, guys! I have some great ideas for the Archdemon!"

Back to the final boss battle…

"Where was I? Oh, yeah. Let's kill this thing and get our ending." Shepard said, plugging bullets into the new Saren.

Meanwhile, with the Auturus fleet…

A single laser beam from Sovereign decimated much of the fleet, as the Normandy was one of the few standing.

"It's too strong!" said a random soldier. "We have to pull back!"

Admiral Hackett responded, "That's a negative. We can't afford to lose the Citadel. Bring that monster down!"

Meanwhile, back at the final boss battle…

"Keep firing! Law of every RPG is that the Final bosses aren't really that hard!" Shepard cried. Surely enough, with enough bullets plugged into him, Saren finally went down. This in turn, caused a chain reaction. The defeat of Saren meant an opening for the rest of the Alliance fleet. When disabled, the pilots took note of this and fired their most powerful shots, besides Joker who had to make a badass turn in order to unleash the final blow.

Thus, after Sovereign had become pieces, one of its part flew towards Citadel Tower…

"Oh, ship! Go!" Shepard cried

But alas, it was too late… Sovereign's toe had already collided with Citadel Tower.

Later, amongst the wreckage…

A light from an omni-tool appeared. "Captain Anderson, they're in here!"

Thus, none other than the beautiful, black voice of Keith David arrived.

"Take it easy! You're safe…Where's Commander Shepard?"

Liara and Ashley shook their heads, to reveal a rather large toe where Commander Shepard was last standing. After a brief pause, the Captain looked away.

But, wait! The background Orchestra swelled and a shadow was caught moving in the background. Could it be?

Yes! Commander Shepard was alive and well. Holding his side, he continued forward with an awkward grin on his face.

"Why did you do that for?" Captain Anderson asked. "We might have left you there and your wounds would've been untreated."

"I dunno. I guess I wanted a last minute emotional pull from the audience. Ow! My spleen."

Afterwards, in the epilogue…

"You wanted to see us, Councilmen?" Ambassador Udina said, being joined by Captain Anderson and Commander Shepard.

"Yes, we did." The Asari Councilor said. "We realize the sacrifice the Alliance has made during this time and we wish to extend our hand in aid."

"And while we cannot return the many human lives that valiantly gave the theirs," The Turian Councilor said. "We feel it is time for Humanity to take its place in the galactic stage. We would like the Alliance to become a part of the Council."

"On behalf of the Alliance," Ambassador Udina said. "We accept."

The Salarian Ambassador spoke up, "Your courage and willingness to conform to Renegade options is an inspiration to us all. Your nomination for the next person would be useful, Commander."

"Keith David." He said without hesitation.

"Wait! Are you sure…" Ambassador Udina said.

"Let's see… Should I pick the stubborn beaurucrat who locked me out of my ship or the person who helped me get off this station, for if he didn't, we'd all be dead meatbags by now? Oh, and let's not forget the fact that he's voiced by Keith David."

"Fine, I'm just going to sit back here and pout." Udina said.

"Well, what now?" The Asari Councilor asked.

"Now?" Shepard said as the Orchestra began to build up once more. "The Reapers are still out there, and I'm going to find them."

As the Commander left, Keith David gave a final line.

"Shepard's right! The Reapers are still out there, and only united can we send them back into Dark Space!"

Thus the game ended with a picture of Shepard in front of a space station. The Orchestra swelled, and Shepard gave only one final order to Joker.

"Oh! I love this song! Turn it up!"

"Aye, aye, Commander."

"I have wondered about you

Where will you be when this through

If all goes as planned

Will you redeem my life again?"

(A/N: What exciting adventures await Commander Shepard? Will the Old Crew still be there? Will he still have to manage an annoying inventory? Will the horror known as the Mako still be there? Find out in Mass Effect 2: Electric Boogaloo.)