I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist and am using the characters created by Hiromu Arakawa without her permission, purely to spread the love.

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Mission: Impeccable

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"Colonel," Hawkeye said, and there was something odd in her voice Roy could not quite place. "There is a young lady here to see you."

Uh-oh. Roy ran down his mental list of recent and past indiscretions and couldn't imagine any young ladies who would call on him in the office. They'd have to have clearance to get on base, for one thing, and Roy was always careful not to mix business with pleasure. Gallantly, he said, "Don't keep the lady waiting, Hawkeye, show her in."

Roy settled behind his desk, deciding that looking busy and important was better than friendly, just in case the young lady wasn't. He glanced up from his paperwork as Hawkeye ushered his visitor in.

The mystery woman was shorter than Hawkeye, but made up for it with a fashionable urn shaped hat, complete with a feather spray and a short net veil that hid her eyes. The hair that was visible was a striking shade of bright gold. Her matching deep red suit was the height of fashion, sporting a narrow tailored waist and wide boxy shoulders - a look Roy personally found too masculine for most women. She made up for it with a high collar of frothy lace, which spilled down her chest, both hiding and hinting at cleavage. Roy appreciated a woman who didn't feel the need to thrust her tits in his face. He'd find them on his own when he needed them. The rest of the outfit came together nicely - demure tailored skirt, matching gloves and bag - in fact, the only jarring note was that instead of the typical pumps, the young woman was wearing high equestrian style boots. To Roy's disappointment, not a bit of her legs were showing.

Hawkeye bowed slightly and backed out, shutting the door behind her. Ordinarily, she would have announced the young lady's name. Roy wondered if she'd refused to give it, and if so, how did she get on base? He wracked his brain, trying to place the bright blonde hair. She seemed so familiar...

"You utter bastard," she hissed.

That voice, that phrasing, that was ringing a bell. Roy knew it... "Please have a seat, my dear, and I'm sure we can talk about this in a civilized manner." Whatever it was.

"Oi! Don't 'my dear' me, you, you, you... bastard!" She pointed at him accusingly. "If you laugh, I will transmute you into your chair and it will take a mechanic, an upholsterer and doctor to get you out."

"Fullmetal," Roy said weakly, and it was physically painful not to burst out laughing. It was only what Roy was fairly sure what he'd need the doctor for that kept the smile off his face. "You look stunning." He was certainly stunned.

" 'I have an easy mission for you this time, Fullmetal'," Edward mimicked, doing a rather good job. " 'Just go and interview the Starlight Alchemist about the lens she invented.' You forgot to mention she'd joined a convent!"

Really, Intelligence wasn't what it was when Hughes was alive. Alex just didn't have his attention to detail. "I did mention she'd retired as a State Alchemist to pursue independent research; the government simply wanted some reassurance that her work didn't compromise national security."

Edward threw himself down in one of the armchairs in front of Roy's desk, belatedly checking to make sure he hadn't dislodged his hat. "She had a nervous breakdown and is hiding with the Sisters of Mercy over in Stoneyvale. The reason was a man, and his name was Lt. Col. Voisin, but don't worry about that, because he's in Dublith at the moment on leave."

"Fullmetal, you are forbidden to go to Dublith for the near future."

"I knew you'd say something like that."

It was completely out of character for Edward to give up so easily. Roy's eyes narrowed. "Where is your brother?"

Cheerfully, Ed replied, "In Dublith, visiting our teacher."

Roy found himself looking forward to reading a report on how a certain Lt. Col. Voisin was beaten to a pulp by a housewife and a little boy. Not that Alphonse was really a little boy; 17 or so years had passed since he was born, even if his body hadn't aged all those years in the gate.

"You talked to Starlight, then?"

"I now know a lot more than I needed to about the peculiar wobbles in the orbit of star number 29347. She's nice lady, and a really smart mathematician, and she isn't going to hurt anyone except maybe to make their ears bleed. The Sisters told me she's happy there and seems to be recovering. Starlight did give me her watch back, she said she just forgot about it." Edward dug around in his pocketbook and then tossed the State Alchemist symbol to Roy. "The lenses are fairly ordinary, it's the way she set them to refract the light. I can't see any military applications, but she promised to mail in a final report anyway."

"And your charming outfit?"

Edward blushed and said darkly, "No men allowed in the Convent, and she won't come out, so how else was I supposed to talk to her? ...you sure I can't go kick Voisin's ass?"

Dismissing that question as rhetorical, Roy asked, "Where did you get the clothes? You almost fooled me."

The blush deepened. "Mrs. Hughes. Where else? Winry lives in coveralls and combat boots and I've never seen Lt. Hawkeye out of uniform."

"Try to keep Gracia out of military business, Fullmetal."

"I do! I told her it was a practical joke I was going to pull on you, to see how long I could fool you. For a bet." He sighed. "We had a hard time figuring out how to hide the automail - it kept running the stockings."

Edward in silk stockings was an image Roy really didn't need to be having at work. "How did you get on base?"

"I just flashed the pocket watch, like always." Ed tugged up the peplum of his jacket to show his watch, neatly pinned to the narrow waist of his skirt. "I don't think I fooled Hawkeye, but Havoc hit on me."

"I wouldn't want you to lose your bet." Roy stood up.

Ed gaped up at him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, it's nearly noon, and I don't often have such pretty company."

"Pretty!" Edward spluttered, then said archly, "Are you offering to buy me lunch?"

"I am."

"Well, ok then." Ed bounced up, taking a moment to check his hat and smooth his skirt. He hesitated, then frowned at Roy. "This isn't some weird pervert fantasy of yours, is it?"

"It wasn't," Roy purred, and held the door for Fullmetal.

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AN: Originally written for the Kink Meme at Live Journal for the prompt: Ed has to disguise himself as female for an undercover mission. He looks stunning, much to his dismay xD