Hidan vs. Edward Cullen

Breaking Dawn

Today, marks the beginning of the quest to search for the mystical original Twilight manuscripts.

In most Quest/Adventure series, usually the mystical object is in the hands of a museum with a thousand or so security sensors, guards, etc.

Unfortunately I am a cliché author (I dearly apologize for this but Meyer is also unoriginal so you can't have a go at me for this) and being said cliché author, before the chapter begins, Pein and Konan did research on the two halves of the manuscript of Twilight. According to Wikileaks, The first half of the manuscript was in the possession of Team Edward, was in a museum dedicated to the Cullen family.

Then, according to the official Facebook group, the second half was owned by Team Jacob, and was heavily guarded, no doubt by the boyfriends of a few Team Jacob fans and the furries of the Twilight fandom in a forest somewhere in Washington State. This meant the script Team Edward possessed must also be heavily guarded, like an expensive diamond would in a museum.

By the time Konan had came back with Pein to retrieve Edward, Kakuzu was gone, Edward was gone, Hidan cursing at Konan and telling her how much he fucking hated her for being so fucking slow, as Alice had appeared and managed to get Konan's paper off Edward when Hidan was cursing at the sky behind his back. Rambling on about why Konan should have stayed put in the kitchen instead of becoming a kounichi, Konan simply gave him a few papercuts, and three days later, Hidan was curled up, snoozing on the lounge as he took a break from destroying the vampires. He was still pissed that Edward got away, but Pein pointed out that vampires couldn't heal that well, so Hidan was gleeful at that.

"Next time," Konan had forced Hidan into a corner (after realising Edward had gone), using her paper coffin technique, "Throw the vampire off the building into a sewer so the other vampire won't find him!"

"Aksjdhs!" The silver haired man replied angrily before being tortured to more paper cuts.

4:29pm.

Edward was now on his lounge, waiting for a vampire from Volterra to appear to "heal" him. Somehow this got out and was the front page of Cullen Daily for the past few days, and according to the magazine, "personal nurses" came in to view Ed's injuries every day. Edward and his family never actually picked up the magazine, as they didn't seem to look at magazines, and since only Carlisle cleaned up his wounds, minus the arm he was currently missing, (lying at his side getting ready to be stitched back on) Bella was at his side, it was safe to say that Cullen Daily sprouted bullshit.

What was very interesting about the whole ideal was Edward's right arm. He now only had his left arm to do unspeakable naughty things at 2am now, but his right hand, halfway to his elbow, didn't piss out blood like normal human beings – it did kind of before, but now the blood was all sparkly and clumpy and ewey and grotty, like the glitter glue/paint you squeeze out of bottles when you were a kid to make faces out of paper plates.

Bella wasn't disgusted by the whole ordeal. She was however concerned for dear Edward's safety, and she realised that Edward was in actual danger, like worse than usual kind-of-danger. Edward had been in World Wars before, so it wasn't like he was new to the whole violence thing.

Alice was sitting on the chair opposite, eyes closed, concentrating, as if meditating. But no, she was actually searching for visions that the Akatsuki would attack again.

"Have you seen anything yet?" Bella asked Alice, looking concerned. Alice looked like a bird perched on a stick when she concentrated. Her eyes flicker red to the floor where Bella mopped up the goo of Edward's blood.

"This is the 5th time in an hour you have asked," said Alice. "No."

Bella fell silent again. It must be really boring being a vampire. I mean, most days Edward's family probably hang around doing nothing.

Carlisle's car turned up to the house. He and Esme got out, Esme holding a shopping bag with food she got from the store for Bella. Edward kind of groaned and rolled over to his side.

"Carlisle says he's home."

Edward must be deaf now too.

Mary Sue #1 and Mary Sue #2 were bored. They were secretaries at the Team Edward museum. They were paid $40 an hour and they were fairly good at their job.

"Hey!" A girl with bright blonde hair in a ponytail at bounced up to them, chest proudly displaying I sparkle. She had a rather deep voice, the sort that you would see at a drag queen show. She beamed and put her ticket on the counter.

"One pass to the Team Edward exhibit, please!"

Mary Sue #1 got up from her seat. "We are going to have to inspect you and check your belongings." She said seriously, looking up and down at the girl as if thinking that she was an enemy.

"What, un?"

"It is a regular procedure," the other Mary Sue looked under her desk for her metal detector (vampire light saber) and a blue box full of stuff which had been confiscated from the Team Edward and Jacob members. These included weapons, something disgusting which was rotting, the usual mobile phones and leg razors.

The blonde looked at the razors and smiled sweetly. "I don't have anything that will destroy anything. I really love Edward stuff and I promise to never hurt anything, including the cardboard cut-outs." Mary Sue #1 shook her head. The blonde then got out her bag. She wore it around her waist which was terribly unfashionable. The Mary Sues looked at the bag distastefully. "I've only got clay in here, un."

Mary Sue #2 looked at the ID card. Then, at the folder where it had the photos of banned people in them, the culprits including most of Team Jacob. At the very end of the pages there was a small list of 'criminals'.

She put her finger on the page entitled Akatsuki. Then, she turned to the other Mary Sue.

"This man is part of Akatsuki!" she accused him, pointing her finger, "We can't let him in!"

Mary Sue #1 looked confused. "Are you saying...? She's a he?"

"I'm a woman! Look! Breasts!" The blonde pointed at her chest. One of the Mary Sues jumped over the desk and pulled at the blonde's upper half.

"...Oh."

"Thank you," the blonde said sweetly with a trace of venom, rearranging her dress. She snatched her clay bag back and ignoring the Mary Sue's protests, and silently smirked to herself, walking off. A few girls were littered here and there, mainly taking photographs. Then, she met a man with a hood on his head.

"How the fuck did you get here first, un!" With a poof! The woman transformed into a man, no fake bits, no dress. He swished his hair out of his face and looked around.

"I'm magic." Tobi said simply.

"Whatever. This place smells funny."

"Like teenage girl hormones, Sempai?"

Deidara sniffed. "Precisely."

Tobi reached into his pocket and took out the map. He pointed to the centre of the paper. "We are here, at the Edward and his family sculpture." Deidara looked up.

"That sculpture is not artistic," his eyes roamed over the faces. "Look too realistic. The mouths, however, do not. They look a little offside..."

"The Part 1 Twilight manuscript is on the other side of the building. Leader says we can either blow everything up and get to it but he has warned us that Kakuzu or his army might be guarding it because they got tipped off."

"Damn. We must find a way through if Kakuzu is guarding, un."

Tobi then looked up at the cardboard cut-out of Edward which was next to the sculptures. "Why don't we try and pretend to be vampires?"

5 minutes later, Deidara and Tobi – I mean, Edward and Bella suddenly appeared suddenly in the middle of the museum. They were beautiful, the windowed ceiling gave off a light while made Edward sparkle like a precious diamond on a museum.

"Why do I have to be Bella?" Deidara grumbled, poking his jacket. It clearly wasn't his style.

"Because it would be easier to be Bella because you have long hair." Tobi said simply. He didn't get the voice entirely right, partly because Madara didn't bother watching Twilight but instead flickered through the book.

Deidara rolled his eyes. Stupid Tobi. He looked at the map once again, and saw that the map showed that the manuscript was in a heavily guarded part of the museum. "Come on, this way."

"Oh. My. God."

"Holy shit..."

"Is that Edward?"

"What is SHE doing with him!"

Deidara and Tobi looked each other, horrified. Fangirls!

Tobi was about to run as fast as he could, but Deidara grabbed hold of him before he could. "We need to get the manuscript." He muttered.

"That means we run!"

"No, dumbass, it means we walk there because there's security around, and they can trust us."

"Are Edward and Bella getting a divorce?" a girl came up to them and asked, looking horrified that Edward and Bella were fighting.

They smiled and shook their heads.

"Sorry, she's got the time of the month." 'Edward' apologised to the girl. The girl raised her eyebrow. Deidara elbowed him in the ribs.

"Gentlemen don't say that, un."

The crowd squealed, with words such as "angry" and "Bella" and "BDSM" lingered around. A few girls were breathing heavily, as if their fantasies had just been constructed in front of them. Deidara put on a forced smile.

"Hey everyone, we're here to look at the manuscript. We've been talking to Team Jacob and they want us to reunite the two together, un."

"So can you show us where it is?"

There were murmurs.

"You are going to have to talk to Kakuzu first." Mary Sue #1 and #2 had come along to see what the fuss was about. "He's in charge of the manuscript and security. He's going to have to verify you to see if you are real."

Fuck! He knows that Edward is injured right now. Tobi and Deidara looked at each other, uncertain. "I'll go," Deidara offered, "Edward can stay here." Mary Sue #1 nodded. "He can talk and ask the questions for the ladies here."

Madara's sharingan managed to seep through to his Edward image, so his eyes turned red. Fortunately, Deidara had read all 4 books and knew that red eyes meant lunch time. "Uh..." said Mary Sue #2, looking wary, "How about we take Edward somewhere?"

There was an uproar from the crowd whom obviously didn't see red.

"I'll be fine," Tobi assured, although his voice didn't quite match the real Edwards, "I will wait for you here, Bella."

Deidara made his way to move away (accompanied by three security guards, a large group of girls and plenty of paparazzi) but Tobi grabbed his arm.

"Good luck."

The crowd cooed.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" they chanted.

The look of horror appeared on Deidara's face for a split second, but passed before anyone noticed. He shook his head. "Maybe next time, sorry."

"Her lips are a little sore from the last photo shoot," Tobi explained. "But they will be in the next issue of Cullen Daily." Girls nodded and whispered, and parted as Deidara went one way, and Tobi was taken away to answer questions for the ladies and sign autographs.

"It's an honour to meet you, Bella." One of the security guards beamed at him. "I have your Playboy centrefold in my bedroom."

"Uh... thank you." Deidara smiled warmly at him. He looked around while they walked to the manuscript. He saw a corkboard with horrible fanart, three cars on display, newly polished, with a sign behind the rope telling them that Edward owned these previously. He then passed a souvenir shop with, you guessed it, Team Edward and merchandise. Deidara cringed at he remembered Pein searching the internet for freaky Twilight merchandise and stumbled across a pale pink (to be kept in the fridge) sparkling long... yeah. Mary Sue #1 (the other went with Tobi) suddenly stopped her. "What?" he snapped as they passed anti Team-Jacob propaganda.

She pulled out a knife. "There might be Team Jacob x Edward fans around." She looked around. "This might get risky."

"I can handle myself."

"Of course you can, and fell off a cliff." The girl teased. She was trying to talk as if she was familiar with Deidara.

"I did not fall. I jumped, un."

A girl who was hanging around the Anti-Team Jacob propaganda section suddenly whipped around as she heard Bella's voice. Her face transformed into fury, as she lunged, nails sharp, at Bella. Deidara instantly pulled out some clay, but the Mary Sue jumped in front and threw the knife. The girl dodged and jumped.

"I HATE YOU BELLA!" she roared.

"SHE'S A TEAM EDWARD X JACOB FAN! DUCK!" Deidara ducked and the girl went crashing into security guards. It took quite a while to clam the girl down. As the guard took her away, she spat in Deidara's face. "I HATE YOU!"

Deidara was genuinely confused. He almost – just almost – felt sorry for Bella. But he didn't, but looked concerned as she was carried away. He rubbed the spit away with his sleeve.

"Sorry," the Mary Sue apologised. "You probably get that all the time."

"...Pretty much."

They came to the part of the museum which was heavily guarded. The floors, the walls, the ceiling – was steely grey chrome, just like in the movies. It would be wonderful to destroy, un.

Every few metres, a guard was positioned. The Mary Sue went up to the thick door, and put her fingerprint onto it. It beeped and opened.

"Thank you, but I think I can go from here," Deidara nodded at all the twenty-five extras that decided to come along. They all smiled and used this as an opportunity to get autographs and snapshots. After about ten minutes Deidara was clearly getting cranky, so he asked them to leave. They were waving as they left. Finally. He then walked through the door, and the door shut, echoing.

"Kakuzu is up here." Deidara jumped, as the Mary Sue that let him in walked past him.

"I can do it by myself," said Deidara quickly. "Really. I should be meeting the Team Jacob leader in a few minutes, un."

"Since you have not been here, I'm pretty sure the system wouldn't know your fingerprint."

"Yeah..." the lights were really bright in here. Deidara wished he had his eyepiece with him. A security camera swivelled in at them as they walked through another door. This time, there was no doorway, they had entered an office. Kakuzu sat at his desk, and looked down at the two when they appeared. Deidara felt anger. Fucking Kakuzu! He wanted to smash him right then and there. On Kakuzu's desk was a computer, which showed that he was on eBay. Paperwork sat in front of him, and behind him was a painting of Edward.

In front of him, in fact, was a little gem which Deidara would like to call 'the manuscript'.

"Kakuzu sir." The Mary Sue bowed and Deidara noted the use of honorifics. "I have Bella Swan with me. Team Jacob wants peace with Team Edward and reunites the manuscripts together."

"Why was there no email or phone call before you came?" Kakuzu's eyes did not leave his computer. He switched tabs and was now watching Tobi getting interviewed by channel Cullen. "I would have known if there was some sort of agreement, I do have spies in Team Jacob, after all."

Whatever. Deidara rolled his eyes. "We didn't know the number, sorry and we were at Edward's when we sorted the agreement out and Carlisle only has the yellow pages up to 1986."

"Who sorted it out the agreement?" Kakuzu picked up a form.

"Jacob, of course."

"I will have to fill this form out first."

There were a few scribbling and then Kakuzu finished the form off with a signature.

"Before I hand over the manuscript, we need a DNA test first, to see if you are Bella." Said Kakuzu flatly.

Deidara mentally groaned.

"Look, it's not necessary; I'm supposed to be meeting Team Jacob in a few minutes."

Kakuzu shook his head. "This is to keep the Akatsuki out."

"They went after Edward!" Deidara feigned a almost saddening, frightened look.

Kakuzu looked up. "Funny, Bella and Edward should be in Forks right now, Deidara."

Black threads appeared from under Kakuzu's blazer, like tiny snakes. Deidara lunged for the script before the threads did. In the process, he managed to get out a bit of clay and throw it at Kakuzu.

"Genjustu wa... BAKUHATSU DA!"

The blast went through the entire office and racked the whole museum. This was the sign for Tobi to run. Deidara and the Mary Sue were thrown to the ground and paper fluttered everywhere. Deidara assumed they were Kakuzu's papers from his bookcase and desk, but his mouth dropped open when the Mary Sue who had helped him turned into Konan in a puff of smoke.

"Konan!" oh he was glad to see her.

"RUN!" The smoke alarms were going off, and the water from the roof had already started. Konan flew out of the window, and Deidara threw a piece of clay into the air and it transformed into a nimbus cloud. He jumped on top of it, barely missing Kakuzu's arm which wasn't attached to where it should be. He threw more clay into the window, which then exploded with a deadly force.

Deidara flew down towards the street, where Tobi was being chased by screaming girls, which were more interested in the sparkling man before them rather than the fire engines bellowing past. He jumped onto the cloud as Deidara got out a cigarette lighter and burnt the manuscript, letting the crisp burnt paper flutter to the ground. He then followed Konan's direction, back to the hideout.

"So long, TEAM EDWARD!" he yelled at the people on the ground. "NEXT TIME DRAW BETTER FANART!"

How to know if the manuscript had disappeared? Pein refreshed Google News every two minutes. At this point in time, exactly five seconds after detectives went into the office of Kakuzu's to inspect the damage, they found no manuscript and declared the manuscript to be a great loss, especially to those who were actually into the series. But something weird had happened, to Edward and Bella.

Deidara was back, looking gleeful and went off to the pub, Konan returned to her partners side, Itachi and Kisame had nicked off to Forks, where Hidan currently was. Madara was watching Pein break his keyboard by punching in various keywords in Google News with such force that the laptop looked as if it was going to break.

"Leader." Hidan's voice suddenly interrupted. "I was pretending to be Carlisle just before and about a second before I could stab the fucking vampire he disa-fucking-ppeared!"

"Deidara managed to get rid of the manuscript."

"Funny, Hidan said, "I went and searched for them, because they like, vanished. It was weird, dude. Anyway I found them in a meadow. And why are they in that meadow anyway, nearby doing the same thing again and again?"

Sun shimmered against the sky. It was a beautiful golden sunset. And it was spring. Spring meant mating season – I mean flowers. Bella lay back on the grass and Edward hung over her, staring at her lips. His arm dropped off, glitter glue leaking everywhere.

"It's hard not to try and kiss you..." Bella murmured, lifting her head a little, ignoring the fact her vampire boyfriend's arm just fell off. She was mesmerized by his golden eyes and glittering body and blood.

"What's stopping you?" Edward asked quietly.

"Mm..."

Suddenly, the sun shimmered against the sky again. The sunset was beautiful. And it was spring. Bella lay back on the grass, hair flowing everywhere. Edward looked over at her.

"It's hard not to try and kiss you..." she whispered.

Edward blinked.

"...Didn't you just say that?"

"My theory is," Madara clapped his hands together when Pein told him of what Hidan had just witnessed, "They should be in the same loop again and again. Hidan found them, and Kisame probably just tore Forks apart."

"I have a theory," Konan piped up, on her own computer looking at Wikipedia, "According to Meyer, she had a dream that they were in the meadow... "

"So half the manuscript has been destroyed, but they are still together, and Edward still has his injuries, I am guessing." Pein said.

"Yeah he does," Hidan spoke clearly, interrupting. "Can I sacrifice him now?"

"Technically, he's dead, so sacrificing him won't work. But do whatever you want."

Pein heard a maniacal laughter and what seemed to be the sound of diamond against a scythe.

Sun shimmered against the sky. It was a beautiful golden sunset. Edward now had no ribcage and his head was hanging off. He was better off for dead.

Bella ignored this little shamble and lay back on the grass and Edward hung over her, staring at her lips, blood dripping onto Bella's face and body.

"It's hard not to try and kiss you..." Bella murmured, lifting her head a little, and then coughing when Edward's blood managed to drip into her mouth. She was mesmerized by his golden eyes and sparkling body.

"Whad's stobbing ou?" Edward asked quietly, his voice thick.

"Mm..."

Itachi and Kisame were hopelessly lost. In a forest. For hours. "Excuse me." Itachi walked over to what seemed to be the shape of a dog. "Do you know where the Team Jacob manuscript is?"

The dog ran away. Itachi sighed.

"This is ridiculous." Kisame muttered, throwing his samehada into a tree in anger. The samehada scraped off the bark.

"Now, now, Kisame." Itachi said. "We have to go by Leader's orders."

"We were told to get rid of Part 2 by the time Part 1 was destroyed! Part 1 is destroyed, and we are in the middle of no-fucking-where!"

"Calm down, I'm sure we will be able to find it."

There was a puff of smoke, and Itachi and Kisame jumped back into their fighting positions just in case it was Kakuzu. But no, it was Hidan, all covered in blood, grinning like he had just been allowed to sacrifice the entire world to Jashin. "Guess fucking what!"

"What." Came Itachi's monotonic voice. He was not in the mood to listen to Hidan's tales of his glorious religion.

"I fucking killed Edward Cullen!"

There was a pause as Kisame raised his hands to clap unenthusiastically.

"Well, kinda." Hidan scratched his cheek. "Part 1 got destroyed and the girl and him were in a limbo in this field and so Pein said I could chop his arms off and it was really gross, man-"

"So you tortured him."

"...Yeah. He's got no head now," said Hidan in a tone that was as casual as getting himself a glass of water.

"But they are still in limbo?" Kisame asked.

Hidan shrugged. "Maybe since he's got no head it won't work?"

"If we destroy Part 2, he will completely be gone forever," Itachi said. "Can we please get on with the mission?"

Kisame rolled his eyes and dug his samehada out of the tree. "Yeah, if we knew where to go."

"Oh, and Pein told me to tell you that the manuscript is that way." Hidan pointed east. "Aaaand you are nearly there, by the way."

"Don't be so loud," hissed Kisame, "You might attract-"

Out of the shadows, came three huge, hairy beasts.

"...Werewolves."

It was around the maybe 20th or 21st time when Edward tried to kiss her with no head that Bella's common sense came through, the fact that all she was doing was sit ups by falling onto the grass again and again, with glitter-glue all around her. But she didn't move. She couldn't remember why Edward was dead, his eyes moving, but facial expressions dead.

He was virtually a vampire zombie.

It had to be a nightmare.

She sat back down, tears in her eyes.

Until, what seemed to be a massive plant came out of the ground.

"Dinner."

Zetsu licked his lips as Bella began to scream.

"There is no such thing as Akatsukiland." Jacob transformed into a human. "You tried to fool us."
"But I was joking."

One of the wolf-boys perked up, "Hey, isn't that the dude who killed Edward Cullen?"

"It is too!"

"That's awesome!"

The three Akatsuki members stared.

"Yeah, I did." Hidan said, and then got his scythe out, "We are here to take the manuscript... so hand it over."

The wolves burst out laughing, echoing in the forest. "Have fun."

Kisame and Hidan looked confused. Itachi as per usual remained indifferent.

"You really want to go against those Team Jacob fans?" Seth said. "I wouldn't."

"They're a bunch of tough nuts, unlike the majority of Team Edward." Leah said.

"And their boyfriends are there." Supplied Seth. "They've got dead people hung around the place. It's just like Pirates of the Caribbean."

"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure." Hidan, Itachi and Kisame already walked past them. "See you!"

Team Jacob fans weren't your ordinary girls. Some of them were trained in martial arts. Some of them had their boyfriends with them. They could kick ass.

Gary Stu was circling the manuscript. He'd heard the Part 1 manuscript was burnt by terrorists, according to his Facebook feed. It was his time to circle the manuscript, which was held in a perfectly sculptured glass case. Bullet proof, of course.

"Hey."

His girlfriend had come over, holding a cup of coffee from Forks Starbucks. "It's nearly time for your shift to finish." She smiled at him. "How much did you get this time?"

"Dunno." As long as he had money, he didn't really care. His girlfriend admired the manuscript.

"It's beautiful." She read a passage from the page. "Our love is as strong as theirs."

"Hold it, right there." Hidan, whom had stolen someone's aviators (from a hung prisoner of war with a Team Edward tshirt on) in an effort to look cool while he kicked ass.

"Akatsuki." Gary Stu growled. "Did you kill everyone? Even the bank manager here?"

"What manager? I didn't do it." In fact, Itachi had just genjustu'ed everyone. Speaking of Itachi, he appeared from the trees, blood leaking from his eyes. He really strained himself this time. "I wouldn't know. Everyone's asleep. I think."

There was a small rumble in the ground and Zetsu appeared, the dirt breaking the surface. The two Team Jacob people's eyes widened; this was just getting crazier and crazier.

They were cornered.

"Just hand over the manuscript." Hidan raised his hand. "And no one will get hurt, except for the ones whom are not from Jashin."

"Oh, really!?" the girl shrieked and pointed at them, ignoring the fact Hidan just death-threatened her. "Edward is dead! Bella is probably dead by now!"

"So?" a paper butterfly came into view.

"Twilight has ruined literature." The butterfly transformed into a woman. "Do you remember the good old Dracula? The good old Harry Potter?"

They didn't say anything.

"The days that boys resembling Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner would be chased down the street with knives by screaming girls?" They still didn't say anything. "The days that friends were friends, and now schools and workplaces are divided because of Team Edward and Jacob? The world is in chaos. We need peace."

Gary Stu ignored Konan's little speech. "I'm only here for my pay check." The girl nudged him. "And my girl, of course." She smiled and he put his arm around her. "I may not like Twilight as much as she does but trust me this is the best job I have had."

Girls going after dangerous boys was a bit like Bella's style.

Zetsu looked specifically at the boy, who gulped. "Especially ones with money."

"Nice talk, but clearly they aren't reacting." Hidan pointed out but got ignored.

"It's all about the money." Gary Stu said.

"It is."

Hidan was frustrated. He needed to kill someone. And this Gary Stu could do just well. There was a yell, and he ducked instantly. Team Jacob girls had woken up. All of them carried weapons. A large girl in front even had a wolf headband and a wolf's tail in her belt. Being taller than Hidan, Hidan almost felt like a mouse in front of her. She lunged at him with a spear, and Hidan dropped to the grass. The other girls howled and it was a fight!

The silver haired man did a swift kick which she jumped over, doing a back flip as her hands touched the grass, kicking Itachi unintentionally in the face, causing a bloody nose. Hidan got up and threw his scythe in her face, but missed.

"Am I-"the girl managed to trip him up and he fell down, "Seriously going to have to resort to ninjutsu here!"

"Ninjutsu?" the girl sneered, "You mean in that kiddy show, Naruto? That show is so fucking lame."

Hidan was angry. "Excuse me, bitch?"

"You heard me." She spat in his face. "Who the hell thinks they are ninjas these days? Seriously?" She blocked his punch. "Ninjas are for losers! And-"There was a crunch as Zetsu bit onto her leg. She screamed, and then there was no more of her.

Hidan turned around. At least 5 had ganged up on Itachi. It was obvious Itachi was kind-of blind, and obvious that the girls didn't seem to want to go near Kisame. He turned again to the manuscript. The Gary Stu had used a log to break the glass casing and was about to run off.

"NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!" He threw his scythe, which scraped the boys elbow. He pulled the rope back and grabbed his scythe, using tomato sauce sachets from MacDonald's he picked up earlier to create a triangle circle. Gary Stu's eyes widened and Hidan knew – just knew – that the boy had an idea what was going to happen as Hidan's skin went black.

"THIS IS PROOF EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN IS NOT IMMORTAL!"

Hidan plunged the scythe into his chest, and the boy dropped down in an instant, dropping the manuscript. Without bothering to wait for the usual pleasure from the scythe to settle in, he took it out and threw it to the ground and stalked to the boy who went up in a puff of smoke. Kakuzu lay there, unconscious.

Picking up the manuscript, he then used his bloody sythe to stab the pages, just like Harry did to Tom Riddle's diary in the Chamber of Secrets.

The Cullen coven, which only just heard of what was happening via Alice, were so close to catching them as they ran as fast as a blur towards the sacred manuscript, they jumped high in the sky and if they had an extra few seconds, they would of met their match and killed Hidan once and for all. As soon as the manuscript was gone, they exploded.

It started raining red glitter.

Hidan was grinning as the pages were ripped, stabbed, and abused. Fucking Yes! Kisame came over, holding Itachi in his arms. Then, the shark man stared at Kakuzu in confusion. "He was the guardian of both manuscripts? How greedy is that? He didn't even put up a fight; he was using the copy technique till the very end."

"Should I stab myself four more times to kill him?" Hidan asked.

"What are you, stupid?" Kisame put Itachi next to Hidan, and he wobbled into Hidan, red glitter stuck to his cloak. Hidan cringed, being his usual homophobic self, but put Itachi's arm around his shoulder to keep him steady.

Red glitter was still pouring down. Zetsu started coughing, as red glitter was vomiting out of his mouth.

"You ate a sparkling vampire?" Kisame asked, side stepping the sick. "That's ... yeah."

Hidan started cackling. "You ATE him! I can't believe you ate him! That's just disgusting!"

"I was hungry."

"Ew." Came Konan's response.

"Shut up, all of you." Zetsu snapped. "That was your fault!" the black side told off the other side. "...You were hungry, not me. I think I'm going to be sick even more." He threw up even more over the bridge.

The manuscript was ripped up into tiny little pieces, and Hidan threw the paper into a river with his free hand. He led Itachi over the bridge. He was happy. No more fucking vampires! He felt a twinge for the wolves. They would have made good subordinates for Akatsuki.

But he didn't really care.

The world was buzzing, wondering why Facebook had 500+ RIP Edward Facebook groups. Pein hadn't managed to hack into Facebook yet to delete them, as he had deleted contents from almost every internet website with a "Twilight Virus" he had created. Kakuzu had reappeared claiming to have no memories of what happened. Meyer didn't write books. Girls around the world had proper, healthy relationships without dumping their boyfriend because they didn't act like 'Edward'.

Five days later, Pein was really getting pissed off. The news had nothing to report on Twilight – of course – but there was this little shit of a boy which popped up in every newspaper he read. And he was getting really, really fucking sick of it.

"Who is Justin Bieber?"

/End