Words I Hate To Say…

"Here comes the rain again; falling from the stars,

Drenched in my pain again; becoming who we are,

As my memory rests; it never forgets what I lost."

-Green Day, 'Wake Me Up When September Ends'

"Harry?" said Hermione in a rather terrified voice.

No answer, just a grunt. She moved closer to the shape in the bed in front of her.

"Harry? It's time to go."

"I'm not going" he said, like a disgruntled child. At least he was finally speaking again; they were making progress.

"You have to; you'll regret it forever if you don't."

The shape in the bed shifted, sitting up to face her and she studied the face in front of her for any sign of her best friend. The eyes were still green, but red around the edges, the hair unwashed and unkempt. But somewhere in there was Harry James Potter, she just needed to find him.

"Hermione. It's quite simple. I'm. Not. Going" was all he said before rolling over and (she assumed) going back to sleep.

She sighed, gave it up as a bad job and returned to the common room where Ron and Ginny waited.

"No luck?" Ginny whispered. Hermione merely shook her head.

"I tried to warn you, you know" Ron said. Hermione and Ginny both shot him a stop-talking-right-now look. Not surprisingly, he shut up fast. He put an arm around both of them, walking towards the door. Before they reached it however, they heard a familiar voice calling out to them- albeit quietly. They wisely decided not to say anything as Harry caught up with them, dressed in classic funeral black. Ron relinquished his sister to his best friend and they quietly walked out into the sunshine for the funeral service of Albus Dumbledore.

Hermione Granger sighed as she looked around the Great Hall. It had been less than a year since Dumbledore's funeral, and now the wizarding community was trying to find a way to say goodbye yet again. The dead lay around her, some she recognised. Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, Fred Weasley and (oh, how her heart broke, how much it hurt) Colin Creevey. Others, she vaguely knew, had seen them in passing in the halls. Each still, peaceful face broke her heart, the ceiling matched her mood, dark, rain pouring, but you could still see the twinkling of the stars. To her, each twinkling dot seemed to represent hope. It represented every one of her friends and family that had survived. It had been three hours since she, Harry and Ron had spoken to Dumbledore. Harry had since retreated to bed, Ron joined his family at Ginny's bedside and she was left wandering the castle. Her bones ached, she felt like curling into a ball and sleeping, but knew she wouldn't get anywhere doing that. Just nightmares, so she wandered, surveying the damage.

The Owlery would have to be rebuilt, as would Hagrid's hut and the North Tower. She'd overheard several students claiming that the Hufflepuff common room had been destroyed, but was unsure having never been inside and not knowing where it was located.

She checked the kitchens, where she found the house elves treating their wounded, and mourning their dead. She'd left quickly after coming across the still bodies of Kreacher and Winky. She'd continued walking, avoiding going outside (Merlin knows what was out there), eventually finding herself in the Hall, where she realized she'd been standing for the past 20 minutes, staring at the sky as if she'd never seen rain or stars before. She walked through the bodies searching each face for the one she was looking for. Finally, the face of Fred Weasley loomed out the darkness.

They were alone in the hall, with only the distant stars and the glow of the torches around the wall. She knelt, taking his hand in hers.

"Hi. It's me, Hermione. I don't know why I'm here really. I just got the sense that you shouldn't be alone tonight. No one should be alone tonight" she whispered, her voice cracking.

"Oh Fred, I didn't want you to die. I didn't want anyone to die. What are we going to do? George isn't speaking to anyone, Harry won't get himself checked out, and Ginny's falling to pieces. We're lost, and I can't begin to figure out where to start looking" she continued.

Tears began streaming down her cheeks, and she collapsed onto him, landing in the exact place that Arthur Weasley found her the next morning. He lifted her into his arms, and carried her up seven floors to place her in a warm bed next to Harry's. Then, he went downstairs in an effort to comfort his wife.

Ronald Weasley sat in a hard backed chair between his two best friends. Harry, to his left tossed and turned, shouting nonsense, while Hermione cried even as she dreamed. He wanted to do something, anything to help them but found he couldn't. Instead, he turned and left the room, walking down to the Great Hall where he bypassed his brother's body, again wishing he could do something, anything for his parents, his siblings, George.

George hadn't moved since they went to see Ginny. The battle had taken a lot out of her, Madam Pomfrey had told them. They weren't sure if she'd wake up. George, suffering enough, had gone dead silent. He now sat beside her, silent but sturdy, clutching his little sister's hand, willing her to wake up. Not just for him, Ron knew, but for Fred as well.

He passed Neville and Luna, sitting over the body of Colin Creevey. Tonks and Lupin, waiting for someone, anyone, to come and claim them. He wondered if anyone had told Andromeda yet. Finally, he reached the raised platform, finding himself face to face with Professor McGonagall.

"Excuse me miss. I'm here to help with the wounded, if you want me."

"Mr. Weasley, really, you should be with your family."

"Please, I need to help. I can't help them. I need to help someone."

She studied his face, her eyes a mix of sorrow and pity then handed him a bottle of dittany and pointing him to his first patient.

Hours later, his father came running to him.

"It's Harry, he's woken up and is asking for you."

Without a word, he handed the bottle to McGonagall and took off at a run, bursting into the dormitory to find Harry sitting up with Hermione on one side of his bed, and Ginny perched on the other. Ginny still looked weak, and confirmed this when she spoke.

"I only woke up two hours ago, Madam Pomfrey only let me out to see Harry. He said he needed to speak to me."

Ron nodded, not really understanding, until Hermione stood, and gestured to him to help Harry out of bed. She supported Ginny and together they all shuffled the long walk to the Headmaster's office.

Inside, waiting for them, were Kingsley Shacklebolt, Flitwick, McGonagall, his parents, brothers (minus George, who must have returned to Fred), Fleur, Neville and Luna. They had saved a couch for the four of them, but there was only room for Harry and the two girls. Ron, instead opted for the arm, next to Hermione.

"Is this everyone?" Kingsley asked then, after a nod from the room "then, let us begin. I've asked you all up here to discuss what has happened over the past year."

"Kingsley, surely this can wai-" McGonagall started saying, but he cut her off.

"I'm afraid not Minerva. It might hurt less to discuss this later, but it is imperative that we understand what has happened, while it is still fresh in our minds. We need to know exactly what has happened, so that we can ensure it never happens again. If this discussion will disturb you Molly, or you Arthur, or anyone in this room, please feel free to leave. I won't, I refuse to force you to talk if you don't want to."

Nobody left, but his speech did earn a 'well said' from the portrait of Armando Dipped and a 'couldn't have said it better myself' from Dumbledore's. Looking heartened, he continued.

"I think we shall begin with Harry, Ron and Hermione. The rest of us have a vague idea of what each other were doing."

And so the trio talked, taking turns, interjecting when someone had forgotten something. Tears streamed down Hermione's face, and Ron felt them on his own. Once they'd finished, there was silence in the room, only to be broken by Arthur, who was looking up Dumbledore's portrait (the subject of which had left the painting as they told their story).

"DUMBLEDORE! Get back here and face me like a man, you coward!"

"Dad" said five voices warningly around the room.

"Arthur" said another four, but it was Flitwick's that continued

"Arthur, stay calm. He's dead. There's nothing you can do to him."

"I can yell at him. And I plan to. DUMBLEDORE!!!!!"

"Arthur, really" said McGonagall, her eyes filled with tears.

"I'll keep yelling till you get back here and face us!!!!!!!"

"Arthur….." said Kingsley.

"DUMBLEDORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Dad…" came the five voices.

Neville, Luna, Hermione and Harry were watching the scene in amazement. They were, so far, the only ones who hadn't spoken. Except, Ron realised, for his mother. Molly Weasley sat next to her husband, staring not at the empty portrait, nor at Arthur, but at Harry, Ron and Hermione. She looked she was resisting the urge to run over to them.

"Albus Percival Brian Sulfuric Dumbledore!" she suddenly shouted "get back here now!"

"Wow Mum, did you just middle name Dumbledore?" Charlie asked, looking very much like he was trying not to burst out laughing.

To Ron's amazement, it worked, Dumbledore slinked back into the frame looking rather shame faced. There was silence for several moments, both of his parent's waiting for the other to start.

"Arthur? What are you waiting for?" Molly finally asked "you wanted Dumbledore, you got Dumbledore."

Dumbledore visibly relaxed when he realised that he'd be getting an earful from only Arthur. Big mistake.

"WELL? WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE? AND IT BETTER BE A BLOODY GOOD ONE!"

"Excuse for what?"

"FOR PUTTING THREE TEENAGERS IN MORTAL PERIL FOR A BLOODY YEAR. THEY ALMOST GOT KILLED I DON'T NOW HOW MANY TIMES."

"Seven" said Molly's voice, unusually quiet "seven times Arthur. That's seven times my sons and daughter never came home. Seven times that we would have found ourselves always wondering what had happened. And then, they get through it all, they manage not to get killed, only to find out that it doesn't matter? That Harry has to die anyway? That they have to fight, after they spent a whole year doing just that, that they have to fight and watch as all around them, the people they love fall?"

If possible, Molly's quiet questioning seemed to scare the room more than Arthur's anger.

"Molly, I am truly sorry. You must understand, Ronald had a choice, he didn't have to go."

"He went to be with Hermione and Harry."

"Hermione didn't have to go either, only Harry."

There was silence for a few minutes, Dumbledore seemed to realise that he'd said the wrong thing about ten seconds after he said it.

"And that's meant to make it all better? They're my children as well Albus. Don't pretend to me that you didn't know that they'd go. Never try to pretend that you thought otherwise. You almost got my children killed seven times, because they had to keep it all a secret. I've fought in this war, I've given up a lot to this cause. I lost my brothers, my friends. I've lost a child, I almost lost all of them. I deserve an explanation. A reason why we should all forgive you."

"Molly, I have no explanation. I also, care deeply about them all, about you. Every loss sustained last night and the nights before, have broken my heart as much as yours."

"How dare you" said Percy suddenly. He moved out of the corner where he'd been half hidden in the darkness, and Ron saw that he too had been crying, but now his face was twisted in anger.

"How dare you pretend to know what she's thinking, what she's feeling. You'll never know. You'll never understand. You've never sat, waiting for news of your missing son. You've never waited for your other son to come back. You've never stood in battle, unsure of your loved ones, hoping, praying that they're all right. You don't know what it's like to lose a son, none of us do but them, and so don't you dare pretend to understand their pain."

"Perce. Stop" said Bill, placing a hand on his brother's arm, which he shook off.

"No I will not stop. He's to blame! He's the reason I left! He told me to!"

There were many gasps all around the room. Dumbledore looked- if it were possible- even more ashamed of himself.

"He made me leave, made me hate myself for 3 years! It was always the wrong time to come back! There was always more work to be done! More and more and more until it was too late! I came back, and Fred died! He died and he never knew that I loved him. He died not knowing Bill. He died, he's de-" his words drowned in his sobs, as he collapsed into Bill's arms. The room remained quiet for several minutes, then Luna spoke.

"If you'd like Minister, we'll explain what's happened at Hogwarts this year, while everyone calms down."

"Thank you Miss Lovegood, but I think I was wrong to do this so soon. Another time I believe" Kingsley responded.

As they all stood to leave, Bill and Charlie half carrying Percy, Ron helping Ginny, Kingsley called Hermione and Harry back.

"I know this is a hard task to ask of the two of you, after the year you've had, but could you please document the casualties here in the castle? I can ask someone else if you'd prefer."

"No. We can do it. We'd like to. I'll make a list of the injured as well if you'd like" was Hermione's answer.

"I would be most grateful Miss Granger."

And so they turned and left the office, ready to face the daunting task ahead of them.

When they reached the main group, Neville leaned in to whisper in Hermione's ear.

"Are you and Ron together now?"

"Yes."

"I hate to say I told you so….but that's not true. I love getting the chance."

A/N: Thoughts? Queries? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone? Let me know by pressing the little button below. Yes, we will hear Percy's story soon. I promise. I hope you all like it anyway.