The Cookies, a bleach fanfic

Title: The Cookies

Summary: Orihime has made cookies for all of Seireitei. God help them all.

Characters: Various ones from Bleach

Word Count: 4,681

A/N: Originally supposed to be a part of my holiday drabble collection, I wrote it and figured it would be too long, so I'm posting it as a one-shot. Please bear with its montrous length and give it a chance, I did work hard on it, so...enjoy!

Obviously not an adherent to Shunsui Kyoraku's personal philosophy of 'Holidays, aka, every day should be all play and no work", Ishida Uruyu had just finished his three hour bow practice, worse for wear, going through at least 5 sets of capes (oh the horror!), receiving multiple scratches, getting his white clothes stained with dirt, etc. In short, he was tired, wet, and cold. And hungry, very, very hungry.

So when his nose burned with the wonderous aroma of freshly baked cookies straight from the oven, he really didn't have a say in the matter as his nose temporarily gained control of his brain , and led his body to the 10th division building and to-

"Ohayo, Ishida-kun!"

-Inoue Orihime.

Ishida almost, almost started drooling. In front of him, was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. Mountains, and piles, and stacks of frosting-coated chocolaty goodness in a circle neatly arranged in a decorative centerpiece. (A/N: Sorry, Ishihime fans, he wasn't talking about Orihime here)

He had never told anybody, but he had always had a bit of a weakness for chocolate cookies; munching on them really helped him to get into the rhythm of sewing.

Of course he couldn't just take one, it would be ungentleman- like plus it would just look bad, stealing cookies from an innocent looking Orihime. Maybe if he talked to her a little, she might just give it to him..."

"Inoue, what are you doing here?" Yes, a good introduction can always open up a situation.

"Oh, me? I wanted to make some cookies for Santa, so Rangiku-san said that I could use the 10th division's kitchen, so I made them in there. I made a little extra, so I decided I would give them out to the shinigami that were passing by, you know, to give them some extra holiday cheer!"

"You baked all of those cookies all by yourself?"

"Yep!"

"Ishida was starting to feel a little uneasy. What had Ichigo told him about Orihime's cooking again? Something about it being bad? But it looked good and it smelled good, so it must taste good too, right?"

Flashback

"COOKIES!!!!!" yelled a short, little pink missile, wait no, it was a girl... "Ooh, Big boobies, you made some cookies? Well, I'll take this one, and that one, and ooh! This one looks really chocolate-ty, I think I'll have that one too!"

Wait… this wasn't his flashback. And hey! That little midget was stealing his- no Inoue's cookies.

"H-Hey- what are you doing? - those are Inoue's cookies- for-"

"Its mmmk, big booibies, said, I culodahve smeo coookies wneh sheasw doenno," Ishida had no idea what the little girl was saying, she had stuffed too many cookies into her mouth, like a chipmunk. (Translation: It's ok, big boobies said I could have some cookies when she was done")

Well, her cooking couldn't be that bad, maybe her food was old or moldy when she served it to Ichigo; this little girl apparently thought that it quite delicious actually.

Ishida suddenly remembered.

Flashback:

"What's wrong with Inoue's cooking?" asked a puzzled Ishida.

Simultaneously, Ichigo turned green, Chad turned white, and Tatsuki turned into a grayish color in between.

"Nothing's wrong with Inoue's cooking, it's just a little unique, some of them are even semi-normal like honey and red bean bread,"said Tatsuki, rather hurriedly.

"Pickled Mushroom Jellyfish with Ice Cream and Curry,"was all Chad said (and needed to say)

"What's wrong with Inoue's cooking? I ate dinner over at her house one day, because we were working on a project together, and the noodles she made were purple and moving on its own, by itself, I tell you,"said Ichigo with a look of pure horror on his face.

End of Flashback

But maybe her cooking habits had changed; maybe she had realized that other people didn't always like her interesting food combinations.

But then again, this was Orihime they were talking about…

"Hello, Orihime-chan"

"Oh, Ukitake-taicho, hello! Would you like to try some cookies?"

Orihime called this man with long, silver hair Ukitake-taicho. Wasn't he the same guy that was Kuchiki's captain, the one who wasn't in very good health? Eating one of those cookies could seriously damage him; according to Ichigo, it had made some people even faint. If the food was strong enough to send the bodies of normal, healthy young adults into massive chaos, what would it do for this sick, old man? He had no love for the shinigami, but he didn't want this man to die either; his death would forever be on his good conscience if he didn't stop him from eating that cookie"

"Why certainly, Orihime-chan, I'm sure that anything you bake will be wonderful," Ukitake replied cheerfully.

'Here you go!"

Ukitake held the cookie up and was about to take a big bite when-

"NOOO!!!!! DON"T DO IT!!!!!!" yelled Ishida as he lunged out to snatch the cookie.

Too late, Ukitake had already taken a big bite.

…And did not explode, choke, puke, die, or get blown up into little tiny pieces.

" Wow, these really are quite strong, I really enjoy the spice that they have; it gives it a lot more flavor to it. Excellent job, Orihime-chan"

"Re-really? Thank you Ukitake-taicho!"

Ishida had never felt more humiliated before in his life. Bah! Ichigo was probably exaggerating things as usual. If two regular, normal people (does Yachiru count as normal???) ate her cookies without harm, they were probably safe. After all, he was still hungry…

"Inoue-san, do you mind if I try a cookie as well?"

"Oh! I almost forgot! You have to try one too, well, here you go!"

Ishida analyzed the cookie. Chocolate, semi-sweet, average size, red and green frosting in the shape of a snowflake, it looked perfectly delicious. He took a bite.

His head exploded.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Spicy, it was really spicy!!! He felt like he was going to spew fire from all the holes in his body, his eyes, ears, nose, mouth. How in the world could she-they, eat this stuff?

He managed to get out

"I-Inoue- What- What did you-put-put into this- cookie?!!!!!"

"Well, I added honey and red bean paste to it to give it some sweetness, and it has wasabi and hot sauce icing on top- see, that's how I got the colors so bright. Oh yeah, I also burnt it to make it extra crunchy and crispy, and added a secret ingredient to keep it all together."

"Ishida, are you ok? You look sort of queasy and pale? Are you getting a fever? Is it because of all the cold weather recently?"

"Hahahaha, Look at the pretty butterfly…it's so cute… Oh no! It's flying away, come back pretty butterfly, come back!" was the last thing Ishida said before he did a pirouette and blacked out.

What Happens Next / The Casualties Rise

Soifon and Omaeda quickly shunpoed through the streets of Rukongai, after successfully completing another mission. They quickly made it into Seireitei, and flashed by the 13th division, 12th division, 111th division, 10th dvision…

"Taicho, Taicho, We have to stop here! Look! They're giving away free cookies!!"

"Correction, I do not have to stop here, and I will not. I do not care about whatever you do but make sure that you are back in the 2nd division barracks before the next mission, no exceptions."

"Maybe eating here will finally keep our refrigerator with some food in it this time", muttered Soi Fon under her breath as she shunpoed away.

"HAHAHAHAA!!!! SCORE!!! Now where to start…" laughed Omaeda.

" Hello, would you like to try some cooki-"

"YES!! HIT ME UP WITH EVERY KIND YOU HAVE!!!!"

He did his little happy dance. Today was the greatest! He got free food, and not just any food, but chocolate cookies, from a really cute girl, too!

He stuffed the entire bunch down his throat

'Hey, this is some pretty good-"

He fainted.

"Ohayo, Hinamori-chan! Would you like to try some of these cookies? I made them all myself!" said Orihime proudly.

"Wow! I never knew you cooked Orihime-san! I'd love to eat some of your cooking, it looks really good!" replied Hinamori.

At that moment, Hitsugaya happened to be making his way back to his division when he heard Hinamori say "Orihime… Love…Eat…Your Cooking…"

That alone was enough to worry him. A lot.

Past experience, had warned him away from anything Orihime made. Unless you were suicidal or had an extreme need for pain.

Hinamori couldn't eat that. Who knows what it would do to her, if she ate it? He saw grown men puke and faint from her cooking. He made a promise that he was going to protect her from anything that was going to harm her, and right now, she clearly needed protecting from that cookie.

Yum… chocolate cookies were her favorite, and she hadn't had one in such a long time…looking at the one she held in her hand brought back memories…

"Hey, Hinamori"

"GAH! Shiro-chan, when will you stop sneaking up on me like that?"

"Whenever you decide to stop calling me Shiro-chan"

Success! She still had the cookie in her hand. Now he only had to find some way to get the cookie out of her hand, and get her away from Orihime.

"But I don't like calling you Hitsugaya-kun, it's just too wordy and makes me feel like I have rocks in my mouth when I say, plus Shiro-chan is such a cute nick-name too, besides it's just sort of your name, only shortened! And-"

"Give me your cookie"

Hinamori blinked. "Oh, you want to try some of Orihime's cookies? She has lots of them over here, I'll go get one-"

"No, I want that cookie."

"Eh?! But this is my cookie, Shiro-chan, and why do you want this one? There are plenty more over there-"

"No, I want that one because….it has the most chocolate."

"But Shiro-chan, you hate chocolate"

"No, I don't"

"Yes you do!"

No, I don't"

"Yes, you-"

Why did she have to be so stubborn, cute, wait, not cute, and goddamn innocent? She was making his job that much harder…

Gah, if I don't hurry up and take the cookie, she'll end up eating it… Time for some more drastic measures… In a blink of an eye, he had snatched the cookie and stuffed it all into his mouth before Hinamori could blink.

"Hey! Shiro-chan, that was my cookie!! But how was it, I mean, was it good?"

He didn't answer her back; he was too busy trying to resist the urge to puke on her. God, the things he did for her…

Let's see…NO, it had to be one of the worst things he had ever tasted in his life, and that included Matsumoto's lunches of Sake mixed with Wasabi and Peanut Butter, (he still shuddered at that memory) and he was about to tell her that when:

He saw Orihime, looking at him with unrestrained joy and hope, and just the hint of worry; the puppy dog look, the ultimate weapon of mass destruction for the innocent and cute. Hell, it was so good that even Kuchiki-taicho, that old stiff, wouldn't be able to resist it.

He groaned. "Yeah, it was… good"

"That's great! Can I have another cookie Orihime," asked Hinamori cheerfully.

"Sure!"

Hitsugaya's eyes widened. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Not again…."

Mission: FAILED

"Unohana-taicho, the shinigami keep flooding in! Some are reporting signs of a stomach virus with the common signs of puking, fever, and stomachache, but others have been knocked out cold or have started talking to themselves and having delusions. We don't know what is causing this, but most patients have been babbling about something to do with cookies, but other than that, no connection has been made between all the cases. The number of cases is still increasing and we're running out of room to hold them all in!"

"Thank you, Isane, you may go back to attending the shinigami now."

"Hai, taicho."

Alone again, Unohana-taicho analyzed the situation. "What was out there?" She had not seen such a large casualty number since someone had given the 11th division lieutenant a full bag of candy for Halloween 20 years ago. It had taken two months alone just to restore all the buildings damaged in Seireitei…

She knew one thing though. Whatever thing out there that was causing this epidemic must be very powerful and destructive indeed…

"Would you like to try some cookies?" asked a cheerful Orihime to a not so cheerful Ikkaku.

Ikkaku simply stared at her like she was crazy. Cookies? Who the hell just randomly gives out cookies??? Wasn't this the chick that had the food Rangiku really liked to eat from while it just made everyone else puke? "Sorry, but I don't want one."

A fist came slamming down on his shiny head. "You fool! A man never says no to a beautiful lady, especially when she's offering you food, damnit," shouted Iba.

"Yes, take the cookies Ikkaku! Orihime is beautiful so her cookies must be beautiful to the taste buds as well!" added in Yumichika.

"Oi, if you think that it's so tasty, then why don't you eat it."

"Idiot, she didn't ask me, she asked you"

"But I told you, I don't want it-"

"But it's bee-yoo-ti-ful!!"

"Shut up, Yumichika, no one cares-"

Iba had enough of Ikkaku's unmanliness; He grabbed a cookie and shoved it down Ikkaku's throat as he was arguing with Yumichika

The effect was instantaneous.

"WH-What-is-this? This is the nastiest thing I've ever eaten- What the hell did you put in this woman??" choked out Ikkaku before he gaped one shuddering breath he went down for the count.

Orihime was almost on the verge of tears. "Is my cooking really that bad?"

"Of course not, they're just much too hardcore for a wimp like Ikkaku to handle!"

"Don't worry Orihime-chan, it's because the sheer beauty and power of your cookies are much too strong and pure for the destitute blandness of Ikkaku's unattractiveness; he could not stand tall in the overwhelming tide of true gorgeousness in your cookies!"

"Oh…OK!"

"Kurosaki-kun! Kuchiki-san! Would you like to try some of my cookies? I made them all myself!" called out Orihime to Ichigo and Rukia, who happened to be passing by the 10th division today.

Ichigo and Rukia blanched.

"Ah, sorry Inoue, but we just ate lunch and we're so full-I mean, we couldn't possibly eat anymore."

"Oh really? But I spent all morning making them, and I don't want them to go to waste…" said Orihime with a sad little smile on her face.

"Ichigo, you baka! Of course we'll try some of your cookies, Inoue!"

Ichigo shuddered. He didn't like that look on Rukia's face. It usually meant that he had to do something embarrassing, painful, or both.

"Really?" asked Orihime hopefully.

"Really?!! Are you insane-"

"Ah, can I talk to Ichigo, before we have some of your cookies, Orihime?"

There it was: that creepy smile again. This wasn't going to end well for him…

Group Huddle Time

"Are you insane, Rukia??? You know what Orihime's cooking is like-"

"Yeah, but haven't you thought about Orihime's feelings you insensitive dolt. If we don't take the cookies, we'll break her spirit! (A/N: Really, Rukia?) I mean, are you going to say no to that face" Rukia pointed in the direction where Orihime was currently using her patent puppy-dog look to coerce an unfortunate shinigami into trying one of her cookies.

Ichigo's shoulders slumped. "Ok, Ok, I see what you mean. So how are we going to get out of this alive?."

"Ok, here's the plan: we get the cookies from Inoue, remember that I'm late for an important meeting at the 13th division, shunpo away, and throw the cookies away"

"… Did you really have to draw that out? ...What is that? Is that me???… And what sort of plan is that? How is that less mean than just telling her we don't want any?"

"Shut up, do you want to eat Orihime's cooking or not?"

"…Ok, we'll use the plan."

End Group Huddle Time"

Here you go!" said Orihime as she handed the cookies out.

"Thank you Orihime, but oh, look at the time, I'm late for a meeting at the 13th divison, I'll have to eat your cookie on the way. We should hurry and go now, shouldn't we Ichigo?"

Ichigo stared. Was she serious? She thought that Inoue was going to fall for that? "R-Right, We should go now."

"Oh, I don't want you guys to get into trouble, you guys can go; have a good meeting!" she said as she waved goodbye.

Near the 13th Division

"I can't believe that actually worked…" said Ichigo.

"Yeah, now all we have to do is get rid of these cookies," replied Rukia.

Just as she said that, Omaeda finally woke up from his cookie induced slumber.

"Oy, my head, what happened?"

"Look, it's Omaeda, I hear he really likes eating, anything at any time, just go and give the cookies to him," whispered Rukia to Ichigo.

"Why does it have to be me, why don't you do it?"

"Because he doesn't know who you are so he can't retaliate, plus I really just don't want to be near him…"

"Why you little-"

"Just go!"

"Hey, here some cookies for to you to enjoy-bye!" said Ichigo as he stuffed the cookies into the 2nd division lieutenant's mouth before shunpoeing away with Rukia.

For the second time that day, Omaeda fainted.

Amid the growing pile of dead bodies, one certain pink haired lieutenant was busy following the trail of cookie crumbs and cleaning through all the food like a vacuum cleaner.

"Yummy!!!! All these cookies are really tasty, almost as good as candy, and even better, they grow up from the ground in cookie plants!! I wonder if Ken-chan would let us keep one… But no one else is eating theirs. I asked Baldy if I could have his but, he didn't answer me, the big meanie head! Everyone's lying on the ground too, they must be really tired! Is it nap time yet??"

"Oh well, look! COOKIES!!!"

"Na-nao-Chaaaan!!!!!!!"

"Look, Nanao-chan, I brought you some cookies because you haven't had lunch yet, isn't that nice of me to do, how about you reward me with a kiss-"

"I would've had lunch if you stayed here to finish the paperwork, taicho."

"Ah, silly Nanao-chan, life's no fun if all you do is work; have a little fun! Oh, and also have some cookies."

"Taicho, I think your problem is that you don't have enough work in your life…speaking of which there are a couple of documents that you specifically need to go over and-"

"Have a cookie, Nanao-chan!"

'Sigh. If I eat the cookie will you do your work?"

"Anything to make my Nanao-chan happy!"

Well, she was hungry. And if she could get Kyoraku-taicho to do his work, it would just be killing two birds with one stone.

She took a bite and fainted. (A/N: anyone see a pattern here?)

Shunsui started to panic. "Oh, my, poor sweet, Nanao-chan, Is she alright?, Is she hurt?, What happened? Is she breathing? Oh dear, it doesn't look like she is… In order to save dear Nanao's life, I will lean down and give her the blessed kiss of life! (aka CPR)"

He knelt down so he could see her face and slowly leaned in closer till their lips were almost touching…

And then reoiled back, as if he had been stung.

What was that god-awful smell? It was like a combination of wasabi, jalopenos, and mustard, with just a hint of red bean, maybe? Whatever it was, it smelled bad, he almost had to cover his nose; was it coming from Nanao's mouth???

On second thought, maybe he would let the 4th division come take a look at her…

'The fat oaf. I give specific instructions telling him to be on time, and what does he do. He slacks off here, eating cookies, how typical," muttered Soifon, as she navigated her way through Seireitei, hunting down her lieutenant.

There! She spotted his abnormally large body over there near the bushes, surrounded by anthills of cookies.

"Oy, hurry up and get up. Do you know how much time I wasted trying to hunt you down?" she said as she started kicking him.

"Useless fool, can't even eat a bunch of cookies properly either…"

Wait, there was something in the world, Omaeda couldn't eat? She grinned.

Finally, her special kitty cat sugar cookies could be saved!

(From that day on, the 2nd division cookie jar was never without a constant top layer of Orihime's cookies (with Soifon's super secret kitty cookies hidden at the bottom), and Omaeda never touched the cookie jar again. According to him, just touching the jar gives him bad juju and indigestion…)

Interesting, how very interesting.

This cookie, through some currently unknown process had gone through sub-molecular transmutation and had changed in isotope number, which increased its toxicity, to make it almost like an inorganic material. Yet strangely enough, it had the toxicity levels of cyanide but certain individuals had no side-effects, while others had mild symptoms, and even while others had severe symptoms, even if they had the same amount of the substance.

How fascinating….Now if he only had some more data….

"Nemu, classify this substance under poisons in the West Lab and go to the 10th division to obtain more of them; we'll need about 20 more to conduct the experiments; I want to know everything: side affects, molecular structure, antidotes… "

"Hai, Mayuri-sama"

"And you," Mayuri pointed at an unfortunate shinigami and smiled.

"How would you like to have some cookies?"

He was such a genius.

Renji was standing outside Byakuya's office with a camera, taking the cookies he got from Orihime into a nice, empty old cookie package that he found lying in his office, in which he would place the cookies that he would present to his taicho, and then spy on him to take pictures of him eating the cookies and then sell them, use them for blackmail or both.

Gods, Kuchiki-taicho was such a stiff sometimes, and Renji couldn't wait to see how he would react to the cookies. Personally, he was hoping that Kuchiki-taicho would run around like a headless chicken like Kira or start laughing uncontrollably and see imaginary things like Ishida….(well, maybe not like Ishida, now that was scary…)

Really, he had no idea where he came up with these great pranks! And Kuchiki-taicho would never suspect a thing, and even if he did, he could just say that the cookies must have gone bad or something, that it was the company's fault.

It was foolproof.

'Taicho, you've been working hard all day, and you must be really hungry. Would do you like some of these specially made cookies?"

Byakuya coolly glared at him from the top of his paperwork.

"Renji, your feeble attempt to feed me food unfit for human consumption is as apparent and obvious as your poorly disguised feelings for my younger sister or your garish tattoos."

Oh, Burn, Renji, Burn…

"Kira, I think you need to get out a little more. You look paler than a piece of paper, and are like, officially the most depressing person to be around, and trust me you have some pretty tough competition. It's tough, without the captain, but that's no excuse to do nothing and mope around. Geez, I knew you weren't always the most passionate person, but now you practically have your own raincloud following you saying, "look at me, I'm an emo!"

And so began Hisagi Shuuhei's quest to get Kira happy again.

"Maybe you should talk about it, with like Hinamori or someome, someone who knows what you're going through, or sake, sake always helps. Or maybe eve-"

"Hello! Would you like to try some cookies?"

"Yeah. I'll have one for Kira here."

Kira spoke up for the first time. "Eh, sorry Hisagi-senpai, but I don't really want a cook-"

"Just eat it, maybe it'll make you feel better."

"Well, ok..." Very hesitantly, Kira took a tiny mouse bite into the cookie.

And immediately proceeded to run around in circles screaming as if the world was ending, like a headless, retarded chicken.

While Kira was experiencing the joys of Orihime's cooking. Hisagi was chatting it up with Orihime.

"Wow, your cookies have a lot of pep in them. Do you mind if we interview you about the cookies for the Seireitei Communication, it's the Seireitei newspaper. I've never seen Kira act this wild; this is exactly what Kira needed to get out of his slump! -"

Kira chose this opportune moment to run into a wall.

And Now: Special Cameo by everyone's favorite Lord of Hueco Mundo, Aizen-sama!!! (Take that, Gin!)

What was wrong with Soul Society? He knew that they were weak and inferior, but not this pathetic. He actually was giving them a bit of break, strengthening his forces, and they were doing even worse off than they did during his betrayal.

And didn't they clean the roads anymore? All these bodies just laying there were such a hassle… then again, no one would ever notice if they were missing, and he was running low on humans, -ah subjects to experiment on…

"Hello, Would you like a cookie?"

Why, yes, yes he would. He was the ruler of a land where there were giant worms and underground forests teeming with hollows of every sort, but no running water or cookies. And really, nothing was better than sipping tea and eating cookies while formulating a plan to utterly decimate your enemies.

He took a bite.

Aizen-sama, the all-powerful, ever-glorious, deceptive, Leader of the Arrancar, the Betrayer of the Shinigami, the ooh-look-at-me-I'm-so-badass-I-can-stop-a-sword-with-just-my-pinky guy was not the same guy who started crying- flat out bawling from a single cookie.

It was not him.

What sort of torture was this unnatural thing? Forget the Hōgyoku, the way to godhood and ultimate power was through cookies. Now all he had to do was to get the girl to Hueco Mundo…

(And now you know the true story behind Orihime's abduction to Hueco Mundo)

End of the day…

"So, how did it go?" asked Rangiku, as she came to pick up Orihime.

"Rangiku-san, it went really great, even better than I expected! I sold out and everyone really seemed to like my cookies!"

"See, Orihime, I told you everyone would like them, I mean how could they not?"

"Yeah, everyone seemed to like them so much that I was even thinking about helping to cook food for the holiday banquet this year!"

"Really? That's great!"

Accident Report

Date: Dec. 18, 2009

Time: 9:00 AM- 7:00 PM

Place of Occurrence: All throughout Seireitei, mostly concentrated around the 10th division headquarters.

Cookie Incident of '09

Scores of Shinigami, (exact number unknown, estimated to be quite large, around 300, possibly larger) reported symptoms of a new sickness, with said symptoms ranging from stomachache, puking, pain, indigestion, headache, temporary insanity, spells of fainting, and even temporary delirium. Was not focused on any one division or rank, high-ranking shinigami and shinigami without rank alike both were affected by illness. Damages to nearby buildings were extensive due to the shinigami that displayed the symptoms of delirium and insanity. The 4th division ran out of medical supplies treating most of these patients, and request more money for new supplies.

All of the cases were later linked to one individual, Orihime Inoue (see Ryoka Incident for more information), and more specifically, cookies she had baked that morning. Cookies were said to be unedible, containing a mixture of normally edible ingredients such as jalopenos, honey, wasabi, etc. (See attached ingredient list) including a secret ingredient she refuses to elaborate upon. Cookies were also classified as a level 5 poison by Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi.

Total damage cost is quite high, estimates are currently at 1 million dollars, but may be expected to rise due to the lack of shinigami to carry out reconstruction tasks.

Conclusion: Inoue Orihime is never again to step into a kitchen in Seireitei again. Ever.

fin

Please Review! Or Orihime will force-feed you her cookies (Jk) ,but please, do review!