I Wanted More for Myself

Her waist long hair was like a shadow flowing behind her. She had golden brown eyes that were filled with the will that only a woman could possess. Her fair skin was flawless, and often compared to marble. Her figure was shaped like that of a goddess. Her name was Zhen Ji, and she was born for greatness.

But today would be far from what she considered to be greatness. For today she would be married to Yuan Xi, the weakling son of the warlord Yuan Shao. How could a beauty like her fall into the hands of such a man?

She had fallen into his hands, not fallen for his touch. As much as she hated it, she would be married to him to strength Yuan Shao's hold on the north, her home. The strength of the emotions she felt for going back home could not be measured. She longed for her father's small, but homey mansion. She shouldn't call it small considering they were the wealthiest family in their region, before Yuan Shao came, but they did good with their wealth. They had many well paid servants that would otherwise be living on the streets. The Yuan's servants were paid with meals and a roof over their heads, something the Zhen's servants were given in addition to their generous pay. She missed the family of the Zhen house. There, everyone was considered a part of the family which resulted in the importance of rank fading away.

Everything was so cold here in Yecheng. She didn't know what other word to use to describe it. It wasn't cold meaning the weather. The further south she went, the warmer the air was. It was cold, meaning emotionless. It was like living in a brand new house that had not been settled into yet. The Zhen's house had always been filled with the pottery or paintings she and Jing Jia had made. The only things that hung on the wall here were maps and the Yuan's golden seal.

Even she had turned cold since she had been here. If Jing Jiawasn't here, she may be lost already.

She turned and looked in the mirror. She had a mirror back home, but not one that hung on the wall. The reflection of her face was perfect. The entire mirror was perfect with its gold fame and smooth glass. She may be a beauty rivaling the Lady Diao Chan, but she was emotionless as any statue.

"Come now, is that a face for a bride?" Shao Len asked.

Shao Len was her other maidservant. She was thirty years her senior. Her father had sent Shao Len with her when Yuan Shao took her from the house.

"Shao Len will take care of you like a mother and Jing Jia will continue to be your friend in that place."

Those were her father's words. It was the last thing he said to her that day. She would see him and her brothers again today, after the ceremony, when she was a married woman.

"Considering that the bride price Yuan Xi paid was letting my father keep his position and life, why should I be happy?" She asked.

Shao Len finished tightening the lace on the back of the dress and responded;

"Such is the norm. We're women in a man's world. We can only try and make due with what we are given."

"What if we're not given enough? What if we need more?" She questioned.

"That's our curse."

"Zhen's has a point, I want to do more than wait on her all my life." Jing Jia added. "No offense intended of course."

"Jing Jia!"

"It's alright Len. I wanted more for myself than to be waited on." She reassured.

Jia giggled, but Len shock her head.

Jia had never been gifted with social graces, but Zhen had never minded it. Shao Len on the other hand, was very proper and never tested the lengths of what she could or shouldn't say. That was the reason her father picked her to go with her to the Yuan's. That was what he said anyway, but she also knew that it he chose her because Len knew how to care for a child. She could barely stand the thought of bearing Xi's child, but at least she would have Jia and Len.

"You should consider being Lady Zhen's handmaid an honor. She is marrying the son of the most powerful warlord of our time." Len told Jia.

"But I don't love him!" She interrupted.

"You will learn to love him." Len reassured.

She highly doubted that.

"I can't imagine the kind of mind washing Yuan Xi will have to do to accomplish that." Jia added.

Zhen smiled. Len was less than amused.

"Jia, learn to control you're tong or our lord will have it removed."

Zhen turned to face Len.

"I don't want you to ever call any of the Yuans 'lord' or any other title of respect in my presence, but if one of them is here, then you may so that you won't have your tongue removed." She ordered. "Otherwise, their name will due."

Len raised her eyebrows for a moment then shock her head in disapproval but she didn't respond, which was wise of her.

None of the Yuans deserved to be called 'lord'. She felt slightly different about the Lady Liu, Yuan's Shao's Wife. Lady Liu had embraced her like a mother would. Her mother had died years ago. She grew up with her father, three brothers and three sisters.

"You look beautiful." Len stated.

Zhen looked in the mirror. Len had pulled her hair in a bun under her halo like headdress that had a blue veil flowing down to the floor. She had a bold golden collar with a bright turquoise jewel in the center and was adorned with other gold jewelry all over her body. Her blue off shoulder dress fit tightly regardless of the weight she had lost since she arrived here three days ago. How thin could the Yuans expect her to be?

The dress was elegant, but she hoped she would be wearing it to her wedding except with a different man. She could never forget Wang Bo. He was her eldest brother's best friend, and best looking one. She could picture his well shaped body in her head without even looking at one of the paintings she had made. Oh she missed him. He could have been the warm light in her life. He was always laughing and smiling. She did plenty of things she wouldn't normally do just to get a response. The only flaw in him was that he couldn't keep up with her when they went riding.

She smiled when she remembered how they snuck out one night and went to the lake. That's when he had taught her how to swim. She had been terrified of the water before then. Wang Bo just had a way to make her trust him. Maybe it was the brightness in his eyes when he smiled, or the way he watched her when she was working in the garden. Whatever it was, she missed it.

She heard absolute silence on the other side of the door. She sighed, it was time. Jia and Len would watch the wedding from outside a window. Zhen had begged Yuan Shao to let them be in the reception, but his mind could not be changed. Servants were servants, and they should barely be allowed to breathe in his presence.