Victory. One could experience it in many ways. Euphoria was a common reaction, but not Shepard's style. Shepard allowed himself a brief smile, and immediately felt like fighting again, because this victory didn't mean the war was over.

Rebuilding of the Citadel began in a matter of days, and though the biggest repairs were done quickly, it looked like restoring everything would take a great deal of time. The same could be said about the seemingly impossible task Shepard faced. He had proof, but was it enough to convince the galaxy of it's imminent danger?

For now, the Alliance's intentions were mostly getting Shepard out of the cameras. They had no problems with having Shepard's picture shown everywhere on the galactic media, though. It was good press for humanity, after all. They just weren't fully comfortable with what Shepard could say.

But it wasn't like Shepard felt the need to tell about what he knew. He didn't avoid the press, but met them only with encouraging words that were never elaborate or specific. Not out of respect for his orders, but because he knew very well that talking about the Reapers on television would bring more harm than good. And so, he was a hero to the public, but behind the cameras all his superior officers (not to mention the Council itself) questioned his judgment.

He would be leaving in a few hours, on a mission to end the Geth invasion attempt. It was a clever way of punishing Shepard and the whole Normandy, an unremarkable clean-up operation. He had ran away on a grounded ship, after all. The assignment would have been welcomed by everyone, (after the high pressure they had suffered for the last months) if it weren't for the fact that the war wasn't over yet. This mission was not only a tedious punishment, it was also a dangerous obstruction.

He only accepted it because he had no real leads. Even if he didn't have to stay for the cleanup, he wouldn't know exactly where to start looking. Prothean archives, maybe. Take a more calm look at what was found on Ilos, find out as much as possible about the Reapers. There were many things to do, and probably they all were more productive than eradicating Geth. The worst part was that no one else was looking into it. If Shepard didn't prepare the battleground to face the Reapers, then who would do it?

At the very least, he could be gathering help. He still had his squad with him. He knew they would leave eventually, some sooner than others, but they all had shown they were ready to follow Shepard. And the whole crew believed in him, so they would follow his orders. Even if those orders took them on a useless geth hunt.

He found some solace in thinking that it would only take a few weeks, no longer than two months, and that then maybe he could assemble all evidence on the Reapers. They would have to be very careful with that, as the wrong wording could mean the difference between being believed, and being dismissed. He would have to take a second look at all data disks, and assemble everything for a dossier...

The elevator doors opened, he reached the bottom of the citadel tower, and the now clean air of the Presidium greeted him. They were still rebuilding, scaffolding covered a great part of the buildings. There was no traffic, and all lakes had been temporarily drained to facilitate work. At least the lighting had been restored to its natural daylight imitation and artificial sky.

A lot of people were reunited at the bottom of the tower, though not all were waiting for him. In fact, very few journalists were around, and they were all conducting interviews already. He saw Emily Wong speaking with an Elcor diplomat. The woman smiled at him and winked an eye, Shepard silently nodded at her with sympathy. Nobody really noticed him, oddly enough, but after all the presidium had it's own natural share of celebrities. They could make him go unnoticed.

Only a small group of humans and aliens was specifically waiting for him there, sitting next to a now empty fountain. Wrex was standing pointing to it, talking to the Quarian rather enthusiastically.

"...and if there were any, I bet they are dead by now, don't you think?"

Wrex was joking. He was in a good mood. Except for him they all looked a bit tense.

"Shepard", said the Quarian, "how did it go?"

"Nothing unexpected. The same words we've all heard before, and it doesn't look like they're gonna change their minds any time soon."

It sure was disappointing. Sending a spectre to fight scattered Geth units... Not a very heroic task to follow Saren's defeat, but it could be worse. Or so he wanted to believe.

The rest of the crew was dismissed, at least for the day. They had yet to decide what to do next and communicate it to Shepard officially, but for now, they were with him.

And Garrus stayed with Shepard to discuss just that, though at first he only joined the Commander in his walk back to the spaceport. Battling Geth wouldn't be much of a punishment, after all, if he got to do it next to the Turian.

"So... Did it really go like that?", the alien asked.

"Word for word. Not just the same arguments. They could have played me a recording of our last meeting, and it would have been exactly the same."

"Hmm. I bet they were trying to convince you as much as you were trying to convince them."

"Well, I can't give up now. I know they look, sound and act like they're a lost cause, but it wouldn't feel right to just leave it be for them."

"I know. Just in case they forget it, right?"

They kept walking for a while, through the recovering normality of the Presidium, and later, the Wards. A lot of shops were still closed, and nearly all clubs and bars. The mood wasn't exactly festive, but at least people looked like they were recovering their morale.

"So..." Garrus broke the silence again. "how is it going to be?

Shepard turned to look at him, and tried to read the turian's face. Recognizing his confusion, Garrus added: "I mean, after the Geth are gone. What will happen?"

Shepard shook his head. "I'm not sure. We'll probably need to start by reviewing all data gathered on Ilos..."

"Well, of course" interrupted Garrus. "But I was talking about the crew. The Normandy. All of us."

"I don't think the Alliance will take the Normandy away from me. They're angry with our improvised escape, but we'll live it down. And about you... You all have to decide what to do next. You're part of my crew, but beyond this mission I have no longer authority over any of you."

"Spectres are meant to work alone, right" he chuckled "How could I forgot that one!" he joked.

"Were you worried about your plans? You told me you wanted to reapply for spectre training, after rejoining Csec."

"Yeah, and I still look forward to that. But I would also stay with you, if you asked me to... Commander."

Shepard almost stopped right on the spot, but kept walking calmly through the street. He was used to shows of respect and loyalty from his men, but Garrus' words hit a spot that made him look at him, and smile.

"I appreciate the trust", he said. "And thank you."

It was at that moment that he stopped walking. With military stoicism, he offered Garrus a handshake. The turian laughed, but accepted.

"Well, I believe we all think pretty much the same."

"And I'm grateful to all of you. But you have your own aspirations, and the fact that you're willing to delay them to serve with me, is something I really appreciate."

Admirable, indeed. It was the longest smile he had held since the great victory.

So Garrus would stay with him for now, and after the clean-up...

He probably didn't have the courage to make him stay. As much as his heart wanted to have him close, he couldn't have him give up his dreams of becoming a spectre. Of making a difference, in the turian's own words. Letting him go would be the reasonable thing to do.

Letting him go? Of course. Because he needed his presence, wanted him there somewhere on the squad. He wanted to keep him there, close, in case he decided to tell him once and for all. Were there really other reasons?

He couldn't keep the turian around forever. Considering how cautious he was being, waiting for courage to confess would lead to a very vague, and certainly distant deadline. But what moment could be appropriate to deal with the matter? Wasn't the aftermath of a battle good enough for a confession? Wasn't this exact quiet walk through the Wards the exact, perfect moment to say "let's hang out together"? "You mean something to me"? "I wish I could know you better"?

He just had to do it. In fact, the chance couldn't be any more perfect. They walked next to one of the few open bars. The place was packed, but pleasant. But they kept waling, until the bar was behind them, and it was too late to say "want to go for a drink?" because they were gone.

"It's just my opinion, commander" Garrus drove him out of his trail of pessimistic thoughts, "but I think you need as many allies as you can find. Maybe you don't see it this way, and I repeat that it's just my opinion, but I think this whole Reaper thing may leave you quite lonely in the eyes of your opponents."

"I agree with you. The Alliance isn't being exactly helpful, for example."

"Yeah. I think it's better if the entire crew stays with you. It will give you and your mission a stronger appearance, all in all... A lot of people will want to bring you down. Humans, non humans... Well, you heard the council. I think our presence would help you. That, and also, we look better in the vids."

He laughed. Shepard wondered if Garrus had been like this before leaving Csec. Or ever. He looked... happy. He looked like he had hope for the future. And Shepard...

Shepard didn't have a place in that future. Not directly, at least. Maybe they would join the fight together, but they wouldn't be together, and they never would be. Garrus had talent, he had potential, and one would have to be blind to ignore that. And if he didn't get to work on his own somehow, his true strength would likely never show.

"You look thoughtful, sir" Garrus said, more seriously "Is there anything wrong?"

The question caught him off guard due to its candidness. Of course, the turian was talking strictly like a soldier, concerned for his commanding officer, but it still felt nice to be asked that. It showed that Vakarian was more perceptive than one would think of Turians. They were a highly militaristic society, after all. No place for emotions in the armed forces.

"No" he replied, "it's fine. I just want to be done with this operation."

The alien gave him a thoughtful look. Something in his gaze looked different. It was miles away from the severe, stoic posture he had days ago. Miles away from the turian watching and learning, from his place next to the mako. Right in that moment, he almost seemed to have a smile on his pointy mouth. And his head was leaning, only slightly towards the right. What did that mean? What would Garrus become?

"Then let's go fight some more geth." he said jokingly. "Hey, isn't that what we're best at?"

They left for the docks. They would be leaving in a few hours. The moment had long passed, and Shepard hadn't said anything at all.

But there were difficult times ahead. It would be absurd to add more worries and ties. He had good friends, good soldiers by his side. Even if he didn't have someone closer, he could handle it. After all, that's how he had been fighting his whole life. But then again, never before had he been interested in someone like that.

The elevator ride to the docks was the longest Shepard had ever made, or it felt like that. That would be the last moment they shared alone together, because on the other side the Normandy and the rest of the crew awaited for weeks of uninterrupted work.

But instead of talking, when Garrus noticed his gaze fixed on him, all Shepard did was pat him in the back with a smile. Garrus nodded back, smiling too, and the elevator doors opened. Shepard's smile faded, and with it all optimistic feelings he had.

All his longing felt heavier than ever, so when things really went to hell, it didn't take him by surprise.

Things went to hell very quickly.

The Normandy didn't stand a chance. Even without a full damage report, he could see the ship was lost. He managed to hear Joker through the radio, saying that the attackers were not geth, and that statement had made him shudder for a moment. Then of course things had happened too fast to stop and think. He tried to put out fires in vital systems, but there was no use. He had to get himself, and Joker, out. With that thought, and only that thought in mind, he set to escape the burning wreckage that was the Normandy.

The silence of space greeted him as soon as he reached the upper deck. He tried to keep his step on zero gravity, as he dodged heavy floating pieces of the ship. He tried to look up, through the now completely destroyed upper hull of the ship, to take a look at their attackers. Who could have detected the Normandy so accurately? Who had weapons that could tear the ship apart so easily? He couldn't think of any technology, any weapons that would match it's characteristics. Even the sound it made was different from other mass accelerators.

But he didn't see anything, except for the looming planet that occupied most of his vision, and more wreckage that floated away. They were close to the planet, but they could still make use of the shuttles. However, eventually the remnants of the Normandy would fall in it's atmosphere.

The stubborn idiot was still in his seat, and Shepard knew well it wasn't because of his condition. It didn't take him long to realize the Normandy was lost. He didn't take it so well, but at least they were ready to leave now.

The ship was barely holding together. In a few minutes the pieces would be scattered, and completely unrecognizable. Whoever did this, would pay.

They were ready to go. He only had to press the launch button, the launch button just next to him... But everything was reaching a critical state. The unknown enemy was still out there, still firing, relentless and unstoppable. He would live to face them, he would live to make them pay.

But his hand lost grip, and the blast from one of the last explosions pulled him away. With one last effort, he released the pod, securing Joker's survival, and floated away violently pushed by the blast.

Shepard was now adrift, and he knew it well. The attackers wouldn't fire at him directly, systems couldn't target something of his size among the rubble. All he had to do was keep calm, and remember his instruction. But he didn't have a chance. Before he could act, he started to hear a hiss that could only mean one terrible, terrible thing.

A panic he had never experienced in his whole life overwhelmed him.

There was a leak in his suit. He tried to reach the module on his back, but it was useless. The force of the blast had damaged the tubes that connected his armor's life support with his helmet. The inertia of the explosion kept him plummeting as fast as it had thrown him, while he tried to struggle with the tubes, trying to seal it in some way.

Dammit, why did he had to die in such a way? After all the beasts that could have eaten him, all the weapons and angry aliens he had faced, was he going to perish from a mechanical malfunction? It was way too soon. He had so many things to do!

The struggle became completely desperate. He waved his arms, his legs, feeling how his lungs failed to bring him air. Any worry he had about being lost in space disappeared. In fact, gradually every rational thought left his mind. Fear of being caught in the planet's atmosphere, fear of being crushed by the heavy wreckage, or fear of being captured by his assailants. There was only one thought in his panicked mind.

I'm going to die.

He felt his entire body hurt, almost burning, desperately asking for oxygen that wouldn't come. His muscles started to go numb, as did his mind, while his vision began to fade away. The last thing he saw was a golden light beam, and a blue glow beneath him, possibly the planet's atmosphere. It was sweet and peaceful, like an ocean. Like the sky of his homeworld.

His thoughts became erratic, his brain was shutting down. A faint smile appeared on his face, as pain abandoned him, and he couldn't hear his breathing anymore. The blue started fading away too, but not before it became the blue of an eye, then the blue markings of a turian face. Four words echoed in his mind before everything faded to black.

Should... have... told him...