This John Shepard's profile is: earthborn, war hero, engineer and medic. Physically you can imagine him as you want, but I have in mind the default Shepard when I write.

A romance between him and Garrus Vakarian. I'll try to tie the relationship's development with the game story, but I'll probably leave the ending for when mass effect 2 is released (so I can tie the relationship somehow, even if Garrus is not there)

Also, bear in mind that english is not my main language.

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Shepard sighted and let his smile wear off, while he put an end to his last thoughts. Instead, he looked back in time. For a moment he wished he had someone around to answer whether he had ever been in love or not. "How silly", they would say, "That's something you just know". But Shepard didn't know. Was love easy for everybody?

Shepard remembered his years as an orphan on Earth. Back there, where the most important thing was fitting in, Shepard had learned quickly how to defend himself, both physically and verbally. Therefore, he always fitted in, though now he remembered how close to lose that status he had been. Gang leaders liked him, he was good at sports, a good fighter, and didn't speak too much. Maybe that's why he had kept that status, why the others didn't notice his indifference towards certain things that were vital for them.

He remembered how, sometimes, they would have access to adult material. Back then their ignorance only allowed them to speak about speculations, and things they had heard. Growing up there would probably make those boys misogynistic adults, with a very crude and superficial perception of the female gender.

Shepard didn't feel truly comfortable around all that. When they gathered to talk about it, he just nodded, he laughed, he looked, without saying anything. But he never made up his mind about that. Never looked at anybody like that. He didn't feel that sudden urge that seemed to move everybody around. Shepard remembered. How foolish.

In the academy, things changed. They got complicated, specially at the beginning. He remembered those first days with a lump in the throat, but he felt better when he became aware of the fact that they had been over gradually, turning him into what he was now.

At that age Shepard was handsome, athletic, and had an interesting past as an Earth orphan. With that reputation, girls appeared on his door in no time. Shepard wasn't oblivious to that blatant interest so many female cadets had on him, but he never answered that attention.

Come to think of it, he could have earned himself a very inappropriate reputation because of that. But there were other factors. He was a though boy, and he was good at the expected stuff, so the other guys liked him. He never made enemies, and was kind of popular. He was good at sports, he liked weapons, and was very good with computers. He didn't flirt with the girls, but maybe because he was too manly for poetry.

Besides, by the time the girls got into picture, nobody would have questioned Shepard's sexuality. Him? A simple glance, and you could see a future military leader. A remarkable soldier. His looks, his ways, his habits… Nothing but the predictable fitted the role.

But Shepard never felt that "other thing" either. For a while, in those first times at the academy, he doubted. He thought about it. Even feared it. But eventually he got his answer, and it was very clear. There was no "special someone", one gender or the other. Plain and simply.

Or not so simply. After all, indirectly, his peers were asking him to fill in his role as an ideal man. He only had the "womanizer" part left to become a champion, a legend amongst the students. That's why, when one of the girls had enough determination to ask him on a date, Shepard accepted.

He remembered those weeks with some embarrassment. He smiled, and blushed. The girl had known, and made clear, what she wanted. Shepard, in the meantime, couldn't stop asking himself why he was with her, every single day. The physical part was intense, and he tried to value it as his friends would in that position. He could admit how pleasurable it was, on a shallow level. But how could it work? He never knew what to talk about with her, and instead he ended listening, politely.

Eventually, she broke up with him, when it was clear that studies and training were Shepard's priority. He never really worried about what she would speak about him after that, but whatever it had been, it didn't have a major impact in his reputation. Some of his friends even tried to cheer him up, when there was no need. And of course, girls kept showing up.

For a moment, Shepard wondered if he had done the right thing rejecting the girls that followed up. He never told his friends the real reason, though they never really asked. Shepard feared being called a loser at that point, and missing the opportunity to "score" with all those girls was something only a completely insane young adult would do.

But Shepard wasn't insane. He was trying to be the best. It was odd to see a boy from earth refusing to party all time, but in the end everyone understood that Shepard didn't want any distractions at all.

His occupations also worked as excuses to reject those dates. He studied more, attended more classes, increased his physical training, and joined several sports teams over the years. He didn't have a second of his time to lose. So, eventually, girls stopped showing up at his door, because they knew he would be too busy. And when he entered active service, and fraternization became prohibited, there was no more open flirting. Not like there was a need for it. They were adults now, and everybody expected them to focus on their job, like professionals. Like Shepard had been doing all along.

Life in the army sounded foolish when he was young, on earth. Fighting next to professionals, under other's command. "Law" sounded strange in that street jungle. As he grew up, it was surprisingly more and more appealing. Every year his gang would lose one of his members to one misery or other. Violence, drugs. That was the usual. And Shepard didn't want to risk the possibility of becoming something else. He thought that maybe there was a place for him in that world of law and obedience, thought and action, authority and power. Years had taken the idealizing spirit away, but he felt good inside the reality he discovered as an adult. He was a remarkable soldier. A heroic example.

He suddenly wondered whether living by that stereotypical role was something positive, or negative. He was good at his job, he had the right amount of nerve and brain necessary to act accordingly to any situation. He was strong, intelligent, brave, and confident. He was commanding over four different alien species. There was nothing unremarkable on him.

Everybody would assume an ideal soldier's personal life was as perfect as them. Perfect, like it was included in the role. But he didn't quite fit that part.

How much would journalists dig into his past? They would be meticulous like archeologists, but would they put a special effort on his love life? Would they notice the lack of significant others in Shepard's life? He considered searching the database for information on that first and only girlfriend he had. Just to calm himself, he acceded the database, and discovered that Alice (so that was her name) had graduated with honor, and was serving in the navy. If the press asked her, she would make short and concise declarations. Soldiers were well trained for that, and she wouldn't risk her reputation by speaking inadequately about matters like a long forgotten boyfriend.

That sudden worry he felt made him realize about how odd his personal life really was. He had never missed anybody to talk about those "frivolous" matters, at least by professional standards, and now all that trivial stuff appeared to him as a matter of life or death. He was used to it, but now thought it would be convenient to have somebody around, a trust worthy friend, to know if what wandered his mind was acceptable, or censurable. To confirm or discard, to share conclusions and what ifs on accepting those thoughts and feelings.

Because his automatic reaction had been ignoring all of it, like a fun irrational thought. Then he tried to justify himself, and not give much relevance to his increasing curiosity, when in his free time he started reading articles about turian society and culture. Investigation. Interest in the galactic community. Shepard had to make a good example and act as a bridge between humanity and the other species, right? He wasn't a politician, but he would be fundamental on the building of that bridge, if everything worked fine.

So, in the end, he was once more committing himself to the job, like only the best could do. Studying and understanding his allies was a comprehensible need, as the leader of the Normandy's crew. But that task also felt like something he would do even if he wasn't required too. When he realized, he felt uncomfortable.

"Accepting it" wasn't so easy. But rejecting it seemed a lot more difficult for him, every day that passed. Whenever they talked, whenever he walked on him on the small alliance vessel. Something had made that curiosity appear, and the novelty led him to conclude, among other things, that maybe he was experiencing that thing everybody used to talk about. When you can't stop thinking about somebody, for a seemingly undetermined reason. When you flinch when you see them enter the room, or when your pulse quickens because they're close.

Shepard thought that, after all, none of these things were distracting him as much to affect his professional performance. So taking five minutes off to think about it wasn't really wrong, if he could then return to work with a cold mind.

He swallowed, and stood up. It was time to discover if he was as nonchalant as he had always appeared, and if his mind was cold enough to work without giving more thought to his fixation with Garrus Vakarian.