Alright, I found this deep within the old ruins of a 2 GB memory stick. I don't remember when I wrote it. I figure why not share it with the world? I haven't seen the 3rd Addams Family movie, and I'm positive almost none of you have either, so the non-canon of this doesn't matter. Unless it IS cannon, which wouldn't totally surprise me. Don't look up the 3rd movie. It's not even worth the time to download it.

I guess I wrote this for "Teh EVULZ", which to me seems to be a combination of Evil and Lulz.

Enjoy.

I really only had me to blame for my position, just like when it came down to it, it was my fault for the bruises, scratches, and the bite-mark scar I received.

I distinctly remember how this started.

"I just don't think the butcher knife to the ribs was really the greatest response to his question, Wednesday."

"It was a stupid question." She gives me the usual blank and angry look, and returns to washing the blood down the sink.

"Pugsley did have a point," I shrug, but step away slightly, in case she decides to try anything. "It's actually-"

"Are you agreeing with him, or are you saying you want to have sex?"

"What, what, what?!" I have had more than one night terror about the predatory look she currently has me trapped under. "I'm not saying you're opinion had no basis, but the fact that you haven't..... had it.... does add some bias, and-"

She took a step forward. With the knife. "Shut up."

"Okay." I back up slowly. I shouldn't of said anything, that was stupid, I was being stupid, I-

"Come here."

"WHAT? NO! WEDNESDAY!" I walked away faster as she came after me. "No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry! Stop! This isn't fair, you know I don't have the lungs for running. Especially with all this dust, and you there's a lot o- AAUGH!" I feel an icy grip on my shoulder which slams me into a wall. I close my eyes as I see the arm wielding the knife move towards me. THUNK.

I open my eyes slowly. The blade is a good five inches into the wall beside my head. Her free hand moves to my collar.

"I told you to shut up." And she pulls me forward. It's really only the third kiss we've had. It's just as awkward. Maybe it's only awkward for me. There's not really a way to tell. I can't ask or anything, maybe I'm over analyzing this... She yanks me towards the entry hall and towards the stairs. I gasp, realizing I've forgotten to breathe, stumbling over myself, trying to keep up.

Despite the amount of time that has passed, and changes, she still dominates me in every way possible, and if she didn't, I would still obey, in fear of the consequences. I know what she's capable of. I still have Amanda's retainer.

She pulls me into a hall I haven't been in before. I jump as I look into an open doorway to see a massive bat winged octopus as a bed.

"That's my brother's bed."

"What?"

"Shut up!" She pulls harder. This must be a good shirt to be taking this kind of damage.

I am roughly shoved into another room, and pushed onto the bed. I watch as she yanks the curtains closed, and the room suddenly plunged into darkness.

"Oh, I think I see what you're getting at now." I say weakly.

"Take off your clothes." I hear the sound of a zipper being pulled.

"Yeah." I sigh and kick off my shoes. "Yeah, okay."

"Breathe Miss Addams! Breathe!"

"Let go! Let go! It's going to break!"

"AAAUGH I'm going to KILL YOU JOEL."

The grip tightens and my fingers are crushed further. "Do what you wish, but let go first!" I keep tugging to no avail. "Please, please, please that's all I ask, WEDNESDAY!"

I can't tell if she's actually in that much pain, really trying to hurt me as revenge, or both. "AAAAAAAAAUGH!" We scream at the same time, and finally the nurse steps in.

"Miss Addams please, let go of his hand! You're almost done, then we can administer anesthesia!"

"It's going to break, it's going to break, it's going to break,-" She turns her head to me, and I know the next one is on purpose.

In the waiting room, a dark cast of characters look up as they hear a scream. A pale woman turns to her husband, and they smile.

"Sweet memories, Mon Cherie."

Next to them, one Glicker grips the other tighter. "Oh Barry! I knew he couldn't take this! Much too young, he's squeamish! What if he's fainted in there?-"

"Please, he's a man now! I'm sure he'll be fine. You DO know Wednesday is having a CHILD in there, right? This isn't always about him you know."

"Is that your family?" A girl asks a boy in a dark gray suit.

"Is that YOURS?" He sneers. She ignores him and continues.

"I'm so excited! My sister's always wanted a baby for SO LONG, her and her boyfriend were going through a rough patch, but the baby solved everything!" She gushed.

Pubert just looked at her smugly. "I'm sure."

"What about you?"

"This baby wasn't an accident, but it wasn't wanted. It was birthed from rape." His lips twitch in a near smile.

The girl looked shocked. "Was she raped?"

"No, but he was."

The Glicker wife pales. "Oh my poor boy, I never-"

"Shut up, you said you wanted grandchildren, Julie."

"Alrighty, Mr. Glicker, as soon as the cast is done, your wife is in room 66, on the maternity floor."

"...The 6th floor?" He would rather clarify the humor than raise the point Wednesday was not his wife. Yet?

"Yes, and elevators are right through those doors. Congratulations."

He nodded. His hand still hurt.

Joel took a deep breath and opened the doors to the waiting room.

"Boy or Girl?" Asked Pubert.

"Addams?" Pugsley asked smugly.

"Well..."

"Joel! What on earth happened to your hand?!" As his mother scurried over to fuss over him, he sighed.

"Well it's sure as hell not a 'Glicker'..."

This may, or may not be continued at some point. I would also like to incorporate certain aspects of HPL's writings. Responses or Reviews would be nice, especially if you want this continued, or have input or criticisms. Flames I will laugh at. Ideas are welcome too. Aren't I pleasant?